To move out and leave 17 year old?

[Teesstar]

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

Not sure what OP wanted from this thread, unless she actually thought people would think it was a good idea??

@Teesstar

Right I have a clear message from this thread that you believe I am being unreasonable. I am likely to damage my son apparently….

Interestingly you have all brought me down as a mother saying I am selfish and only thinking of cock as one person said, however none of you have mentioned my 17 year old sons father.

As I mentioned in my Starting post he REFUSES to do his share. He won’t have him over night because their spare room is a walk in wardrobe!!!
Yet her 32 year old son comes first every time.

It’s just me the mother that is selfish.
Because I am a woman I should be the one to do all the caring, financially as well.

I have said clearly that my son is happy as are my older sons they are living In the safety of their grandparents home, and sharing the bills responsibly. My 17 year old will literally sleep here, he will be treating our home as his can come and go with his own key as can the 16 year old my partner has.

I have just mentioned all this to my eldest son who was like omg this so works for our family!

I don’t know what possessed me to share this as it has nothing to do with anyone anyway and we know how to do this and love our children whilst loving each other too.

I’ll leave it there.

Why ask if you’re being unreasonable and then go all bitchy when you’re told you are unreasonable? I digress! Crazy!

Whatever you do, do NOT have any more children. You have already mucked up more than enough lives between you.

Sounds like you're not in a position to move in with your boyfriend and need to both prioritise your kids tbh.

Dont understand why people are so determined to make a 17 year old into a small child ?

I moved countries, 3000km at 17. My H went to university at 16, moving from a small farm in the middle of nowhere to the capital city.

(I moved countries by myself I mean at 17, )

@Bonheurdupasse

Dont understand why people are so determined to make a 17 year old into a small child ?

I moved countries, 3000km at 17. My H went to university at 16, moving from a small farm in the middle of nowhere to the capital city.

That was your choice though. And good for you. But taking a young person's secure base from them and giving them no proper safety net can cause massive issues, as many people have already shared.

OP you asked if you were being unreasonable, the majority said you are (and not because you're a woman, as many have said the dad isn't winning any prizes for parenting either), and now you've got the hump because people gave the opinion you asked for

@fedup2017

My mum moved in with my stepdad when I was in lower sixth and my sister in yr 11. They were about a mile away. At the time I would have said I was cool with it and liked the independence. Now as the parent of teens myself I wonder wtaf she was doing. Our relationship has never really recovered in that we don't really have a mother / daughter relationship. I speak to her infrequently and we are not at all close. I spent my late teens sleeping around and drinking too much and have had therapy as an adult to deal with the feelings of low self worth.

That's not to say that your relationship will be fine but in my experience it's not in the best interests of your child.

I think this is a likely outcome. He'll be absolutely fine at the time, might even think it's cool. But it will probably leave its mark and cause him issues later on.

@Teesstar

Right I have a clear message from this thread that you believe I am being unreasonable. I am likely to damage my son apparently….

Interestingly you have all brought me down as a mother saying I am selfish and only thinking of cock as one person said, however none of you have mentioned my 17 year old sons father.

As I mentioned in my Starting post he REFUSES to do his share. He won’t have him over night because their spare room is a walk in wardrobe!!!
Yet her 32 year old son comes first every time.

It’s just me the mother that is selfish.
Because I am a woman I should be the one to do all the caring, financially as well.

I have said clearly that my son is happy as are my older sons they are living In the safety of their grandparents home, and sharing the bills responsibly. My 17 year old will literally sleep here, he will be treating our home as his can come and go with his own key as can the 16 year old my partner has.

I have just mentioned all this to my eldest son who was like omg this so works for our family!

I don’t know what possessed me to share this as it has nothing to do with anyone anyway and we know how to do this and love our children whilst loving each other too.

I’ll leave it there.

I suspect you asked because you know it's wrong. Living apart from a parent is one thing (with potential bad outcomes in itself). Having a parent CHOOSE to live apart from you is another.

@Bonheurdupasse

Dont understand why people are so determined to make a 17 year old into a small child ?

I moved countries, 3000km at 17. My H went to university at 16, moving from a small farm in the middle of nowhere to the capital city.

Did both of you have a home to return to if you wanted or needed to? Did you both choose to make the moves you did? If so, then it’s nothing like the OP’s scenario.

My parents moved abroad when I was 17 and I was left at home with my 19 year old sister. We too thought it was cool, but I went totally off the rails and now realise I have abandonment issues. I wouldnt do it.

@Bonheurdupasse

(I moved countries by myself I mean at 17, )

So did I. For 7 years. But even after those 7 years I still had a home and even a bedroom which was mine to return to.

Girls should share a room your 17 year old son should have his own room.
Yes yabu.
Slow down and wait until he is ready to earn and support himself.You are his mum,you can't pass parental duties to his brother's because you have a new man.
Either don't move,get the girls to share of opt for a four bedroom house.
But put his welfare above your love life,he needs you.don't make him feel an inconvenience

I have looked up OP’s other posts and
a) her older son (who would essentially have responsibility for 17 year old) doesn’t seem very sensible at all and last year he was not paying rent and going out all the time

b) was with a different man less than 2 years ago who was an arsehole about her body so this new man can only have been on the scene for just over a year at most.

You are selfish and deluded. Read through the comments and be honest with yourself @Teesstar

It's a terrible idea.

My 17 year old will literally sleep here, he will be treating our home as his can come and go with his own key as can the 16 year old my partner has.
I don't understand this? Is there a bedroom for these boys or not?

Why would they want to "come and go" in a house there's no room for them to live in?

@saamantha19881

No way, this will cause him to have abandonment issues

Oh dear, armchair psychiatry at its most achingly simplistic.

Oh please stop trying to make excuses

Your are putting your relationship before your son

Own it at least instead of this pathetic act and trying to get validation that you are doing the right thing

Are you for real? If you are then you sound a long way beyond silly and selfish. You have been with this man for less than two years and you're planning to move yourself and your 12 year old in with his family already. And leave your 17 son with the choice between living with his mother and a whole new family or keeping his own room and his existing life with his brothers. Don't be daft. And your only question is how you would feel not living with your 17 year old? Don't be selfish.

You are planning to mother your DP's four year old and you are asking whether you should proritise that over mothering your own children? well your own children still need you - in a different way but still very imporant way. Which includes providing them with the best home you can and your presence til they're ready to go.

We honestly wouldn’t be doing this if we believed our children would be damaged by it.

That's wishful thinking - that you can do what you want and your children wont be damaged.

You seem to have no ability to imagine the long-term effect on your own children. It sounds as if your parents had a messed-up marriage and you have no idea how to maintain a family. Be sensible. You have a decent place to live. Stay there with your own family at least until the 17 year old is old enough for independence.

you have all brought me down as a mother saying I am selfish and only thinking of cock as one person said, however none of you have mentioned my 17 year old sons father.

I'd aleady figured his father was selfish and useless. How does you starting to act in a selfish useless way as well make it better for your son?

I have just mentioned all this to my eldest son who was like omg this so works for our family!

You are asking your 23 year old child for advice? How immature are you? They're supposed to look to you for role modeling not the other way round.

I’ll leave it there.

Sure.

I don’t know what possessed me to share this

A flicker of common sense?

This is so sad. That poor boy :( I'll never understand how people can behave this way.

@Bonheurdupasse

Dont understand why people are so determined to make a 17 year old into a small child ?

I moved countries, 3000km at 17. My H went to university at 16, moving from a small farm in the middle of nowhere to the capital city.

How is this even similar?

We're you packed off abroad with 2 older siblings, one who smoke copious amounts of weed and another one who doesn't seem to give a shit about anyone?

Did you have a home to go back to? Did you choose to do this? Did your dh?

Besides which, those to situations make you an exception. Most 17 years old would not and could not do this well.

I saved a deposit bought my first house at 19. Moved about 30 miles from where my family was to afford it. Doesn't mean every 19 year old should be able or should be ready to do this.

And again, if it had gone, tits up I had a my parents home to go to. And I wasn't buying a house to live with 2 very questionable older siblings.

Its quite obvious, from the other threads, op is running away. She has lost control of her household. She is fed up of parenting them all, even the youngest by one if the threads. But I imagine she can't leave him.

I don't think Op really wants to think about what she is doing (ie getting to getger with someone who is willing to ditch his child like her ex has) too much. She just wants out. And instead of tackling the problems with her adult children in her house, she is running away. She is just leaving the mess behind instead of actually trying to sort for the good of herself and the 17 and 12 year old.

Its the easier option for her. Not for any of the kids involved. But for her it is.

No, my DH's mum did this to him, though she was also neglectful in other ways. Now they barely speak and their contact between each other is limited to special occasions only. She doesn't have a relationship with her grandchildren, she's self centred and not bothered. Don't be like this.

Absolutely disgusted that any caring mother would even consider this.

Selfish to the core.

You need to look for a 4 bedroom house or stay at home with your kids for a while. I'm sure you could cope with spending a few nights a week with your new partner?