To move out and leave 17 year old?

[Teesstar]

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

My mum did this to me and my brother over 30 years ago. It still hurts. It was the wrong thing to do and permanently damaged my view of her and how much she loved us. She only recently admitted she regrets it.

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12) They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3754743-Help-to-take-back-control

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parents_of_adult_children/3935785-Anyone-else-just-wish-they-would-move-out

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parents_of_adult_children/3971126-Sick-of-my-lazy-21-year-old

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3971145-21-year-old-son-taking-the-piss

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4057994-To-put-my-foot-down-with-DS1

...they don't sound really mature. Leaving your 17 year old with the older two seems like a bad idea, but sounds like you've had enough of them all.

On a separate note, I feel really sorry for your partners 16 year old, sounds like he is basically being turfed out!

Well there you are op! What an absolute awful mother you are @Teesstar

It’s not a good idea.
My mum did this to me and my brother.
She thought oh your 17 you will be fine.
I wasn’t fine my brother wasn’t fine.
It affected us a lot.
I don’t really have a good relationship with her because of it, I don’t think I have ever forgiven her for it.

My mum did this to my brother. He was 17, I was 20 and had already left home.
He came to live with me.

It damaged our relationship with our mum irreparably and we barely speak to her anymore. Don't do it. I'm a parent now myself, a similar age as she was then, and I look back and wonder how she could be so selfish.

Just stay in your parents house for now. Let your partner move in the new house spend weekends there and be around in the week. Still consider that your main home for now. I really think you should be there until at least 18.

It's so different to him choosing to leave you for say Uni or to flat share. He can always come back. You are leaving him with no real backtrack

Oh jesus I just saw the other threads. You cant leave him with his brothers if they are truly that bad. Your running away from a situation.

Oh dear OP, YABVU, HTH

Poor kids ..yours and your partners

Can't believe you are both kicking out 2 children so you can live together

Whataboutism at its finest op.

@Penistoe

Whataboutism at its finest op.

Read the previous threads linked below...

and yet another crap merchant disgracefully leaves their own thread because they expected a different answer. It will come back on you OP, you reap what you sow ...

From your responses, it's clear you were only ever after people agreeing with you. If you were so convinced of the rightness of your plan, you'd never have asked.

@PheasantsNest

You are incredibly selfish. Never ever choose a man over your children.

This with bells on

Of course your 17 year old doesn't want to share a room and not should he have to.

This is one the most selfish threads I've ever read on here.

I don't get the argument 'his dad is shot so why I can't I be......its because I am a woman isn't it'.

Ffs, it's shit when your kids dad is shit. But that makes him a shit. You then being shit isn't all of a sudden ok. And it's not about being a woman. If the kids dad was dad of the century, you being shit wouldn't be ok.

Its not ok to be a shit parent and put your partner in front of the your kids. But we aren't talking to him.

And, also, if kids having a shit dad is something you are about why are you shacking up with a man that's doing exactly what your 17 years old dad is doing. It's ok for your new partner to be shit, but not ok for your 17 year old dad is shit. Very hypocritical.

At least posters just think you are all shit and are applying the same logic to all of you.

Sorry I think yabu I would
Never leave me 17yo to live with a new partner

I think you should wait to move in with your partner TBH. Many 17 yr olds need an involved parent at home just as much as any other age. Plus you’re giving him the message that you value him less than your new partner. You’ve only got a few more years with the 17 yr old anyway. No way would I do this.

After just reading your other threads, what an earth are you thinking even considering this? Your poor son, I really feel for him.

OP, what was the point in posting this if you're still going to go ahead with it?

I think it's irresponsible. Not only has he been abandoned by his father, but now his mother, too.

I don't understand how you can even think this is OK? All for a man. And yes you moan to say it's all down to you, you are his mother.

Aibu? Yes
No I'm not
Ok then crack on .

My mum did this to me when I was the same age. I never really forgave her, felt abandoned and ended up moving far away when I was 18. My life was a struggle for many years and our relationship - though ok now - has never recovered to what it was before.

When I tell people about it, they are extremely shocked and think it’s awful.

You’ve not been together all that long. What’s the harm in waiting a year OP? It’ll give your DS a chance to finish college and move on to uni/full time work, whatever he has planned next. It’ll also give you a chance to get to know you DP better before making the commitment to move in. I’m sure all the other kids involved will also be glad not to have to change everything about their lives quite so imminently for what is essentially quite a new relationship.

I think YABVU for this.

Terrible idea. You've struggled with the kids on and off for the past two years - whilst divorcing their heroin addict of a father - eldest using the house like a hotel / you like a maid, coming and going at all hours. Second son a stoner. Third an up all nighter on Xbox. And fourth with MH issues.

Abandoning three of them in your parents' home so you can play happy families with your new squeeze, along with his various much younger DC? Recipe for disaster. No wonder your eldest wants shot of you.

You sons dad has totally let him down. That’s total crap. However you have the chance to show him his mother will always be there for him and puts her children first. Delay this for a year or so - your partner will still be there.