Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

@TwinsandTrifle

Don’t cook and clean for him. Who the hell is he? Just pay for your rent and half the bills and live like an equal partner with him doing half of the household chores!

The irony, if you read the OP, is this is what he is stating.

All this "I'll do all the housework and be a maid" is OP trying to offer things he hasn't asked for, in place of actually paying rent. Essentially she wants to live rent free but it's ok because she does all the cleaning. He hasn't asked for this at all. He wants her to pay half of her current housing costs. She's £700 up a month (less £20 a week child benefit)

There is no irony. I’m saying they should be equals. I’m telling her that she shouldn’t treat him like she’s a servant to a queen but she should also treat herself like an equal by paying half.

@TwinsandTrifle I’m not the one who needs to read the OP again.

50/50 is exactly that…you mention that in fact it won’t be 50/50 as you would take on childcare cooking cleaning etc.

Sorry if I am out of tone saying this but it sounds more like he is after a live in nanny and housekeeper.
Tread carefully- maybe you need to consider if this is the right move for you. If you could afford it- you could always buy and let out so you have an asset.

OP I would really recommend getting some legal advice first. A friend ended up effectively homeless and at a significant financial loss from a very similar situation, so I really sympathise with your concerns over security - they are absolutely valid. It seems like he’ll be benefiting significantly from your financial contributions, especially given the disparity between your wages - I think a lot of couples would contribute proportionally to what they earn but obviously that’s personal preference. I certainly wouldn’t contribute to a partners mortgage if my name wasn’t on it, after seeing what my friend went through. I really hope it works out for you OP, whatever you decide.

Sorry if I am out of tone saying this but it sounds more like he is after a live in nanny and housekeeper

You’re spot on. This may have been his aim from the start.

Imagine how much he would have to pay for all that childcare and domestic work.

Oh OP, I know I’m late to the thread, but I’ve been there. I have up out stable, amazing home once. It was a disaster for myself & my 2 children. I was a lot worse off & when we broke up, I payed a lot more in rent, for a place I didn’t like & in an area away from where we were previously living. Nothing became available for another 2 years, then we had to live again… and now I’m paying more rent than ever. Don’t do it. Stay as you are & carry on dating. If I had my time again, then that’s exactly what I’d do. It’s not ideal, but please don’t move into together (and more importantly out of your secure home) unless you can commit to each other and plan a proper future together.

Sorry for typos, due to the stress I went through, I suffered a stroke & have vision loss.

If you are thinking in terms of security, perhaps it is better to stay in your own home. If marriage isn't on the cards then you are probably safer to retain your independence. I don't know which of you is right - I can see both points of view - but if you are having different opinions re money now, it does ring a few alarm bells.

Be careful! My first marriage started out like this and I ended up paying him rent even after we were married, in fact, for a total of 3 years until we bought a house jointly over a year after the marriage. I had paid the rent willingly (though it had to be in cash and there was no record kept of my contributions). At the time, I believed that I was being modern, independent and fair, and I paid half the food bills and doing the lion’s share of household tasks too. He earned two and a half times my salary.
Like you, I worked full time a distance away and he could walk to work in 10 minutes. However I was considerably younger than him and hopelessly naive, and the whole ‘rent’ business set the tone and put him firmly in control financially for the rest of our relationship with no joint account.
I never found the equality or true partnership I sought.
In short, it was the start of a number of abusive and highly controlled years for me.
Ironically, when I left him, he smeared me by telling people that I had never contributed to our home - though my rent was paying half his mortgage.
Your man may be a great guy but please be careful.

If he wants you to pay half then you go on the deeds to the house....simple.

Solicitor can work out how to protect his already paid for asset, i.e protect the money he has already paid off on the mortgage but from now - you are co-owners and you also pay down the asset. So say he's paid off £20k so far, if you sell the house whatever profit the house makes he is allocated £20k first, plus whatever money he put into the house as deposit and then you split the rest 50/50.

Tell him that's your deal. You're either a team or your not - right? ;-)

This isn't uncommon and solicitors are used to doing this sort of thing, it's straight forward and shouldn't cost a fortune to have a solicitor draft the contract.

Then you become a homeowner too! And you guys can get on with your life. If he doesn't want to do that then you don't pay rent. If you're paying rent it's on your own place. You're not a lodger. You're a partner!

When my OH, who I've known since 2013, asked me to move in with him, I said I would not be giving up my flat (that was fair enough) and no sex unless we were married. He had young children of 7 and 10, mine were well older, working and had their own homes.
As we got to know each other and talk about priorities, he mentioned that his DC lived with his ex, go to private schools and that they would always come first. His parents came next then his group of close friends.
I remarked that as there were only ,
3 places on a podium, it was clear that my value to him was far less, therefore I was not interested in furthering the relationship.
As he had really pursued me from the start and continued for 7 months before I agreed to meet in person, I wondered why, a year later, he mentioned his top three priorities. When I pulled him up about it, he looked startled and tried to backtrack.
Our finances were similar, banking and legal professions but mine were not drained by supporting my AC and I had a mortgage free house after divorce.
I wasn't going to be a friend with benefits or 4th priority, even with 'Masses of love' as he put it.
Funny how things change.
I'm happy relying on myself and not wondering if or when the dynamics might take a direction I don't want to follow.
Living with a partner and giving up what you have is unsettling if the scales are weighted in the other party's favour.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, as the old proverb goes.

Op are you planning to have a child with him ?

@Talktalkchat

Women… wanting equality but not really

Equal salaries are about equality when it comes to splitting things. Otherwise it's financial abuse.

@Kinko

If he wants you to pay half then you go on the deeds to the house....simple.

Solicitor can work out how to protect his already paid for asset, i.e protect the money he has already paid off on the mortgage but from now - you are co-owners and you also pay down the asset. So say he's paid off £20k so far, if you sell the house whatever profit the house makes he is allocated £20k first, plus whatever money he put into the house as deposit and then you split the rest 50/50.

Tell him that's your deal. You're either a team or your not - right? ;-)

This isn't uncommon and solicitors are used to doing this sort of thing, it's straight forward and shouldn't cost a fortune to have a solicitor draft the contract.

Then you become a homeowner too! And you guys can get on with your life. If he doesn't want to do that then you don't pay rent. If you're paying rent it's on your own place. You're not a lodger. You're a partner!

That is very good advice. It really doesn't sit right with me that the homeowner should be profiting out of their partner. The interest i see slightly differently but his house he will always have it and any money that is chipped of the capital of the mortgage.

The number of women who end up on the relationship boards giving it DP is Lording it up, but circumstances have changed and i can't afford my half the bills, I'm skint. This is where it starts. Paying equal shares when he way out earns her. I bet half the heating bills on his big house will be about as much as she was paying in her rented flat.

OP tread carefully.

Solicitor can work out how to protect his already paid for asset, i.e protect the money he has already paid off on the mortgage but from now - you are co-owners and you also pay down the asset. So say he's paid off £20k so far, if you sell the house whatever profit the house makes he is allocated £20k first, plus whatever money he put into the house as deposit and then you split the rest 50/50.

Good luck finding any home owner signing up to that deal.

@Comedycook

Half of bills and all food is a great deal for him imo

That was my thought.

Tell him that if you pay half the mortgage as "rent," you will expect him to pay for half of the food and toiletries (except makeup, etc), and to do half of the housework, and present a chart with chores on it.

Why are you doing the cooking and the cleaning?? No way start like this. If he wants 50/50 on the bills you want 50/50 on all the chores and stick to it. If not you will live to regret it xxx

You’re right to listen to your gut feeling on this. Not sure why you were planning to buy ALL
food do all cooking, cleaning, childcare. It seems he’s looking how much he can get from you, far from creating equal partnership. Red flag, especially with kids involved. Stay put.

Has he quantified everything or just the things which he is contributing?

Are all the hours that you would be spending cleaning his 4 bedroom house of zero value?

Even if money wasn't an issue here (it is), there is a big time issue too, in terms of extra cooking and cleaning (a bigger house with double the number of people) and extra travel.

Overall, would this mean a better quality of life for you?

@DillonPanthersTexas

Solicitor can work out how to protect his already paid for asset, i.e protect the money he has already paid off on the mortgage but from now - you are co-owners and you also pay down the asset. So say he's paid off £20k so far, if you sell the house whatever profit the house makes he is allocated £20k first, plus whatever money he put into the house as deposit and then you split the rest 50/50.

Good luck finding any home owner signing up to that deal.

I don't need luck, i know countless people who have been in this position. It's really not that uncommon! If a young couple buy a house and one of them was gifted £50k by their parents, or has inheritance money - do you not think there is a way to protect that money?

Here is a straightforward example
Person A buys a house for £100k. They put down £10k deposit and pay off £10k in mortgage payments.
They meet the love of their life who doesn't have an asset.
Person b moves in and they want to pay down the mortgage jointly together. They instruct a solicitor to put partner b on the deeds and draft up a contract.
Solicitor drafts a contract where £20k gets ring-fenced but after that it's 50/50. 10 years later the couple split up.

The house is now worth £200k. Jointly the couple paid down £50k during their relationship, leaving £20k in mortgage (50k + 20k on the original borrowing of a 90k mortgage loan)

The house is divided

£20k goes to the bank for the mortgage
£20k goes to person A
£140k then gets divided 50/50
Person A walks away with £90k
Person B walks away with £70k

If this guy is playing with a straight bat, it's really not a big deal at all.

OP you just need a decent Conveyancer (Property solicitor).

While OP will not have the same rights as a tenant, if she makes regular rental payments, those could be considered mortgage contributions. This would possibly give her a Beneficial Interest. Additionally, when there is a child involved Family Law gives her more rights of residence, should they separate.

A regular rental payment would be considered as taxable income for the partner, so almost half of that should end up going to the tax man. (As he already earns 100k). OPs original suggestion of paying more on household costs and housekeeping actually would avoid the tax issue but give her less “rights”, while setting woman’s equality back 80 years.

In this situation it seems as if a Cohabitation Agreement or Living Together Agreement, (kind of like a prenuptial) would be advisable. This would give the OP more of the security she’s giving up by moving in with him and at the same time help them identify if they can agree on their finances while finding out if their blended family will work.

If they can’t work out a way that they will all benefit, financially and security, well then that’s an answer in intself.

I agree with the last two comments.

So say he's paid off £20k so far, if you sell the house whatever profit the house makes he is allocated £20k first, plus whatever money he put into the house as deposit and then you split the rest 50/50.
This happened to my daughter years ago - she put in a lump sum and it was protected when he cheated on her and moved out. Except, the lump sum was treated as a percentage so she got back 30% of the equity (which is what her lump sum represented when they bought the house) and then they split the rest 50:50.

Am in a not dissimilar situation to you, OP. Was perfectly happy living in my modest 1 bedroom flat. Have moved into my DP’s house which is much larger and more expensive to run than I ever needed or wanted to live in. We aren’t married. I live rent free and he pays all bills. We split costs like childcare, food, holidays 60:40 in proportion to our income.

Don't move in with him until you can afford to buy a house together. Why would you put yourself in a precarious position where you and your child could end up homeless in the event of a split?