Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

[fib88]

I think you’ve been unreasonable to yourself! …you’re missing a major point here, he is actually making himself vulnerable by asking you to pay half the mortgage and bills he is in effect giving you “an interest” in the house if you split up you would be entitled to a pay out of his property value ….Unmarried partners walk a fine line if couples split but if you can show you have contributed towards the house he risks having to share a percentage of it with you!… he’s also probably not allowed to sublet if he said you were a lodger …. He’s the one at risk

[NotMyselfWithoutCoffee]

If you were really equals he would be doing half of the housework.

[CatherineCCP]

Take legal advice as contributing to his mortgage may be classified as "beneficial interest" (financial interest) in his property - he may be less keen on you paying rent if he realises this!

[Darlingx]

There was a lady in this exact position but years down the line. She was paying towards his asset and they hadn’t married. If you move in together and want to play wife as in doing his housework whilst raising your child you need a piece of paper . The marriage certificate. Then your role as playing wife happy families at least you have a contract and its all on paper rather than a role in theory. He could take advantage of your urge for a home and you could get stuck there doing his housework on what feels like home but is his house. Lady on previous thread starting using her money to do the place up and made it their home whilst busy raising the child and then was stuck years down the line because he never married her. No try before you buy. If he wants a live in woman doing his housework , paying the bills under his roof he needs to show it’s not a trial run and marriage means he is as invested as you are to the future success. It’s a bit old school and harsh but there is too much to lose your independence for starters you could have got a cleaning job to put money aside for a deposit on your own flat instead of cleaning his house. He gets all the fringe benefits of a housekeeper with add ons if you are doing the domestic load unpaid

[TatianaBis]

@KotteK

While OP will not have the same rights as a tenant, if she makes regular rental payments, those could be considered mortgage contributions. This would possibly give her a Beneficial Interest. Additionally, when there is a child involved Family Law gives her more rights of residence, should they separate.

A regular rental payment would be considered as taxable income for the partner, so almost half of that should end up going to the tax man. (As he already earns 100k). OPs original suggestion of paying more on household costs and housekeeping actually would avoid the tax issue but give her less “rights”, while setting woman’s equality back 80 years.

In this situation it seems as if a Cohabitation Agreement or Living Together Agreement, (kind of like a prenuptial) would be advisable. This would give the OP more of the security she’s giving up by moving in with him and at the same time help them identify if they can agree on their finances while finding out if their blended family will work.

If they can’t work out a way that they will all benefit, financially and security, well then that’s an answer in intself.

Really good post.

[IM0GEN]

@CatherineCCP

Take legal advice as contributing to his mortgage may be classified as "beneficial interest" (financial interest) in his property - he may be less keen on you paying rent if he realises this!

That’s why most of these men pay the mortgage and bills themselves and have their female partner pay for food, holidays, evenings and days out, petrol and car repairs / insurance . Even when they make her contribute towards the utilities, they are always in his sole name.

They are smart enough to make sure that they pay for everything that increases in value and she pays for consumables and things that decrease in value.

It’s funny how all these men know that living together/ engaged has no legal status and that common law wife is a fiction. Yet so many women claim to have no idea until he throws her and their kids out on the street because he’s met someone else.

I wonder if it’s a class taught to boys only in school.

[Darlingx]

MatildaTheCat

Exactly ! I have seen this on previous threads where the woman has got emotionally involved in raising and nuturing her child ( children) feathering the nest as part of that role and because it’s under his roof and she is already on a lower earning salary so she is already having a lower rate for her time so thinking so I should do the domestic load because she probably wants to be creating a family unit. Without marriage that role is out of contract. Either create a contract legally like a marriage certificate or get married or stay renting and get a housekeeping live in role to save money for an asset to fall back on if things don’t work out.
By paying rent but now increased bills, commute, no security and no savings but for the gentlemen’s agreement that you are planning to build a home in name together why not get married? Getting stuck for years maybe depending on externals you would be kicking yourself. Get the legal paperwork side before the romantic household dreams you probably crave .

[Lockdownbear]

@IM0GEN it's so true yet far too many of these threads women pile in and support the man paying the mortgage, you can't expect to live for nothing

I certainly think it would be a legal fight to claim anything out of a house regardless of what you put in if your neither married or on the deeds.

I remember circa 20 years ago telling my friend if anything happened to her DP his half their house wouldn't go to her, common law meant very little in Scotland. It would go to her partners family. She honestly thought I was talking nonsense.
Then phoned me a week later to say thanks, she'd spoken to a lawyer who said "your pals right".

[fourminutestosavetheworld]

There's no way I'd let a partner move in with me unless he was willing to pay 50% of the cost of running this house.

Yes, I'd be better off than living here alone.

But he would also be better off paying 50% of mortgage/bills/food here than when he was when paying 100% of costs of running his own home, so we both benefit from the partnership.

I'd adjust it to make it fair when taking net salary into account but wouldn't be fiddling around attaching financial values to chores and so on, the division of labour is a separate issue imo.

In fact there are a number of separate issues muddying the water here. OP has said she is putting furniture in storage and taking a risk if it doesn't work out. But her dp will be busy making accommodations and adjustments to his home life when he is used to having his house to himself. That sort of compromise is just part and parcel of combining lives. And ultimately, if op is worried that they will never move on to buying a shared home, or that she will come to resent 'contributing to his asset' then they are just not ready to move in together. Wait until you're both sure and buy together.

[jacks11]

So, you want to live rent free? You need to pay your way and paying half of your bills is only a small percentage of living costs. You don’t want to contribute to his asset but want to live there, in his shoes I would be expecting contribution in lieu of rent (and would be happy to have some sort of formal agreement about notice etc). Offering to pay 50/50 bills is rather unfair in my opinion. Though maintenance/repairs/upgrades etc are up to him to fund.

[Crabbyboot]

I am in this situation but it's me who owns the property not my partner. We split everything 50/50. Why should you expect to live somewhere rent/mortgage free? You would be paying rent if you lived elsewhere anyway.

[Darlingx]

TatianaBis

Sorry if I am out of tone saying this but it sounds more like he is after a live in nanny and housekeeper

You’re spot on. This may have been his aim from the start.

Imagine how much he would have to pay for all that childcare and domestic work
Oh but with all the fringe benefits of an agony aunt and lover thrown in !

[DillonPanthersTexas]

I wonder if it’s a class taught to boys only in school

It is, the girls are in the classroom next door being taught to syphon part of their income into a divorce fund, that all money a partner earns is 'family money' and what they earn is 'their money' and that if you move in with a high earning individual he is by default a tight fisted skinflint if does not let you live for free

[Lockdownbear]

@Crabbyboot

I am in this situation but it's me who owns the property not my partner. We split everything 50/50. Why should you expect to live somewhere rent/mortgage free? You would be paying rent if you lived elsewhere anyway.

But I he was paying a mortgage to be elsewhere he'd be contributing to securing his financial future.

If he was renting I've no doubt he'd also have his name on the council list waiting for a lifetime tenancy.

Why haven't you encouraged him to buy a share in your house?

[AICM]

IMOGEN

Not a class taught in school to only boys just common sense.

I've seen this exact advice given to women on this website numerous times over the years.

[TatianaBis]

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I'd adjust it to make it fair when taking net salary into account but wouldn't be fiddling around attaching financial values to chores and so on, the division of labour is a separate issue imo.

Adjusting it to make it far wrt salary is exactly what he has not done.

Do you ask your partner to do 100% of the domestic work while you do none due to the “nature of your job”?

[AICM]

@DillonPanthersTexas

I wonder if it’s a class taught to boys only in school

It is, the girls are in the classroom next door being taught to syphon part of their income into a divorce fund, that all money a partner earns is 'family money' and what they earn is 'their money' and that if you move in with a high earning individual he is by default a tight fisted skinflint if does not let you live for free

[Blossomtoes]

If he was renting I've no doubt he'd also have his name on the council list waiting for a lifetime tenancy.

Good luck with a single person getting social housing! He’d never get on to the list.

Why would she want him to have a share in her house? She’s paid the deposit and buying costs and satisfied the mortgage criteria. It’s the biggest asset she has and she’s expected to encourage someone else to take a share in it while contributing nothing except some rent.

There are some real pisstakers on this thread.

[DillonPanthersTexas]

Not sure if I am living in a bubble but I don't know of a single couple (where one person is a home owner) who instructed solicitors to hand over property equity the moment they moved in together. Some of the examples being set out above detail decade long relationships, I get the need for financial security over those time frames. But what we have here is folk demanding an equity share straight away. Who in their right mind is going to sign over a % of their property to someone they might have only been seeing for 12 months or so? It's a huge risk. It's nice for the person moving in, they don't have to spend years saving up for a deposit the get on the property ladder. If the home is in an up and coming area with rapidly rising property prices the person who moved in can walk away 18 months later with a huge sum of money. The original owner might not be able to buy the other party out so they have to sell their home to honour the financial agreement.

Not exactly an incentive is it? "Hey why don't I move in with you? If it does not work out 1 year down the line you might lose your home and I will have a nice deposit for my own pad"

[Pearshaped20]

I'd be very wary, you will have no rights to anything should you split up especially if you're not married. Everything will be in his name. The salary difference is huge for him to be asking you to pay half and please don't agree to do all the house work, childcare and cooking that also should be shared equally especially if you both work. I'd stay put for the time being and have a really good think. You have to think of your child in all this and security is important. The fact you are asking your question about the fairness of all this I think you already have doubts. Good luck

[Wriggleon]

My dp moved into my house, he pays a set amount monthly toward bills, food etc. This works for us as we are both better off than before, you need to have a proper conversation and I would not be offering to do all the housework, cooking etc.

[TatianaBis]

@Pearshaped20

I'd be very wary, you will have no rights to anything should you split up especially if you're not married. Everything will be in his name. The salary difference is huge for him to be asking you to pay half and please don't agree to do all the house work, childcare and cooking that also should be shared equally especially if you both work. I'd stay put for the time being and have a really good think. You have to think of your child in all this and security is important. The fact you are asking your question about the fairness of all this I think you already have doubts. Good luck

What he’s asking of OP speaks volumes about his character and motivation for getting into this relationship.

I would be questioning the whole relationship.

[Embracelife]

&A regular rental payment would be considered as taxable income for the partner, so almost half of that should end up going to the tax man.*

No
Rent a room is tax free first 7k

[Embracelife]

He can claim it as tax free allowance
www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/the-rent-a-room-scheme

[FindingMeno]

Hmmm.
I'd be wary of the whole doing the lions share of the housework and cooking part in amongst all this.
The cynical part of me says that a live in cleaner and cook who also pays a good chunk of living costs and contributes to rent is a bloody good deal for him.
Stay put and keep your independence and be in charge of your own security.