Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

Hmm so he gets half of everything paid, meals cooked and a cleaner and still wants half the rent? How about he does half the cooking and cleaning and school runs too..

He sounds very tight, especially as you have offered to cook and clean.
Not impressed!

Given the disparity in your earnings, I am horrified.
I was better off than my ex, he lived with me most of the time and I would not have dreamt of asking for rent or bills.
He helped a lot with handy stuff and I was happy with that.
British men are unbelievably tight.
As a Russian girlfriend said, “ I won’t date British men because they expect women to pay for everything!”

PurpleOkapi

Im talking to and about the OP - the situation and thread is not about you. Neither is your comparison to do with what I said, youre cherry-picking.

Why should the OP cook clean fuck a man + make his finances a whole lot easier, at the expense of her own life and finances? Hes not even her husband. If he turfed her out of his house next year she'd have no rights whatsoever. Homeless, with her son.

Thats all.

I don't think what he is suggesting is fair.

I do think you need to make a contribution however.

The concern I have with the arrangement he's suggesting is that the savings you will both make by combining household are disproportionately being allocated in his favour.

For example with her contribution to rent, bills, food etc he could be £500 plus "up"'a month. In her case, even with half rent, the increased bills mean she'd benefiting less than half of that.

This is also exacerbated by the very large difference in their income.

Part of the issue is the premise of spilling everything 50/50, especially in light of the fact that 50% of some of those costs represents an increase to the OP.

They need to look at the finances as a whole and agree a contribution that see's them both benefit equally wrt the overall savings and ideally that should also be in proportion to income.

Will he put you on the mortgage? Seems only fair if you're contributing. It's what my boyfriend did when I moved in with him.

There’s another angle too, if OP moves in and then loses her job or is ill and can’t work— she won’t be able to claim anything at all living with such a high earning partner and yet we have a guy who clearly likes to cost things up and no doubt I feel would be far from generous , especially when she might be dependent on him. I’m sorry I don’t like the sound of a guy earning 100k level not being satisfied with food, 50% of bills plus OP acting as an unpaid childminder , cook and cleaner. Clearly a lot of ladies on here don’t value other peoples fairly considerable contributions one bit if they aren’t contributing financially —

Legal position I think is clear - she has no rights unless they’re married. No title over the property, no rental agreement.

If he said perhaps pay £300 and a bit towards food then maybe that’s okay - given your current salary and costs. Every penny from you pretty much is pure profit for him and he doesn’t need it. Then you could save for any problems.

Sorry if this has been covered before. He can still be a good guy and a bit blinkered on money - no one’s perfect.

He’s not “a bit blinkered”, he’s just tight.
Very unappealing.

@Crikeyalmighty

There’s another angle too, if OP moves in and then loses her job or is ill and can’t work— she won’t be able to claim anything at all living with such a high earning partner and yet we have a guy who clearly likes to cost things up and no doubt I feel would be far from generous , especially when she might be dependent on him. I’m sorry I don’t like the sound of a guy earning 100k level not being satisfied with food, 50% of bills plus OP acting as an unpaid childminder , cook and cleaner. Clearly a lot of ladies on here don’t value other peoples fairly considerable contributions one bit if they aren’t contributing financially —

Yep - liberal feminism is pretty capitalist!

@FreshFreesias I know…..was trying to be a bit positive since presumably he’s got some redeeming features. The OP seems sensible and wouldn’t be with him for no reason. But she shouldn’t pay what he’s asking in any circumstance.

I think you should both pay 50% of everything and share the housework fairly depending on work etc. And you should have a contract drawn up regarding your living situation to protect you in some way.

As a Russian girlfriend said, “ I won’t date British men because they expect women to pay for everything!

Where as Russian women when it comes to daring are renowned for their financial generosity.

After mulling over your posts and the replies, it's maybe time that you thought about the dynamics of living there apart from costs.
Does his child live with mum?
How old is he/she and what age is your child?
Have they met and do they get on?
How often does his child stay with dad and for how long?
How would you feel if his child always got first dibs if there were choices re holidays or meals or anything.
Would you and your child have your own bathroom (especially important if the children are boy/girl or any other combo)
Would his child respect your and your child's privacy ie: not go into your rooms?
If you are buying all the food, what if his child took more than their share of tasty fridge treats so none left for your child?
I say this as it's often the children who cause tiffs between adults.
You might feel you can't say much as it's his house even if you're paying rent.
It's a big leap from independence to accomodating two or more other people who have more of a 'right' to the home.
If you sell your furniture, it will cost a lot more to replace if you decide to split and storage fees can mount up. You will need to insure it.
In fact, you are going into this arrangement, naked, insofar as giving up so much to live on shaky ground.
If you've ever watched MAFSUK or AUS, you'll know that living as a couple with one having the upper hand in living arrangements, no matter how good the sex or how much in love you think you are, is never a good thing.
You may find that his standard if living us beyond your means to contribute half. Sky packages can bite.
Will you have your own TV room where you and/ or your child can watch what YOU want without having to contribute to Sky?
What about council tax? Will your rent contribution cover it? Don't forget you'll be buying food for at least 2 more people and more if his DC brings friends home to dad.
Does he do dinner parties or have lad's nights when they watch rubbish films and order in pizza and beer. Where will you go?
I hope you think of all the things that you may have pushed to the back of your mind as they will surface sooner or later and it may lead to confrontation.
I wish you a happy future whatever you decide.💐

Will he put you on the mortgage? Seems only fair if you're contributing. It's what my boyfriend did when I moved in with him.

Several people have proposed this, what do you mean exactly by 'put you on the mortgage' a % of the equity? How much equity?

Seek advice from a reputable source. You need to be protected here.

My DH sold his house and moved in with me but he didn't make any money on the sale of what he owned with his ex. He contributed a set amount to the household and we were planning to get married (our 10th anniversary this year).
You are right that you and your child need security, what you should be doing is paying in the pot in a way that is proportional to your income. So if he earns more, he pays more. Paying 50/50 when one earns more and has more to gain is not equitable.

Yes you should contribute but you need an agreement. www.lawsociety.org.uk/en/public/for-public-visitors/common-legal-issues/moving-in-together-getting-a-cohabitation-agreement#:~:text=A%20cohabitation%20agreement%20is%20a,before%20you%20move%20in%20together.

Move into his house but don't pay him rent. Keep you place for at least 6 months just incase. Too many of my friends moved into others place but after a few months decided they had made a huge mistake. Now they had to rent a new place at a higher rent and try to redo. Agree to separate account which both deposit half of food. He can pay for his own expensive add ons. Split chores down the middle. This will cause so many problem if you try to change it later.

If the only saving the OP is making is half her rent ie: £700, don't forget that she has to pay storage fees for her furniture, extra travel costs and food and household shopping for 4 not two plus half of the bills which will be a real kick in the teeth. Won't be a lot left to save if he adds his wine preferences to her shopping list +++

Are you coming back, @Beachshell???

@LoisLane66

If the only saving the OP is making is half her rent ie: £700, don't forget that she has to pay storage fees for her furniture, extra travel costs and food and household shopping for 4 not two plus half of the bills which will be a real kick in the teeth. Won't be a lot left to save if he adds his wine preferences to her shopping list +++

She could easily end up paying more than he does with absolutely nothing to show for it if they split up further down the line.

People are talking like cooking and cleaning cover rent and he's onto a winner. They don't. He's presumably got eating and not living in a hovel covered with his 100k otherwise OP wouldn't think of moving in.

You've both got kids OP, whats the end goal for this move? Is it a test run for how the families blend, a move for convenience/to save money or is there a concrete plan for marriage very soon? What happens if you fall out, or the kids fall out or he just decides he doesn't like the extra people in his space? Ideally you should stay where you are until you both know and are comfortable with what will happen if it doesn't work out.

can i just add, i wouldnt move in.

I'm of the view of you both bring equality to the table. So if you are both contributing the same, and its do-able - fab. You two are not.

You will resent him, you will resent the setup (i would!). Any consolation, I was the opposite way and my partner moved in, who resented paying me half bills/rent! It was not an equal footing to the party.

So I would either sell, rent a house together or buy a house together. Start equal.

Could he put you on the mortgage? And then you contribute the amount he's asking for in rent towards the mortgage but it gives you security then in the actual property?
I agree that otherwise its a risky move for you and leaves you in a vunerable position should the relationship not work.
The alternative is he sells his house, you both rent together somewhere mutually convenient and save in the meantime. That might work out cheaper if you end up with a lower council tax code etc. Would also mean the house isnt "his" so you BOTH keep furniture etc and it's a far fairer balance. Otherwise it could be a bit like you are a live-in maid and nanny and paying for the privilege.

This isn't true, it would be considered rent. I have a friend in exactly this position, all her contributions to the mortgage and running costs carry no weight. However, her contributions to improvements do give her an interest.

I'm surprised that is the advice your friend was given. My understanding is that contributions towards the mortgage (ie paying rent) and towards home improvement both have the effect of creating a beneficial interest.

I have known several people in this position and the partner who owns has not taken any payment towards the rent/mortgage.

Landlords make money from tenants, why on earth would that be part of a relationship?!

My fiancé paid half of everything including mortgage when he moved in. Why shouldn't you pay rent?!