Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

[Ashitaka]

Half rent (put other half in savings), half bills, half shopping

dont pay all the shopping, thats unbalanced.

[Warmduscher]

I hope that if you do end up paying half his mortgage as rent, that you will only pay half of all other expenses and do half the cooking and housework?

[Ashitaka]

@Beachshell

He wants me to pay half of what I’m ‘saving’ so in effect that’s already £700, plus half of all the bills… some of which I would not have in my own home (expensive sky tv package, much, much higher bills and council tax). I currently live in a flat and him a 4 bedroom house.

so your rent for your 1 bed flat is 1400?

[MinnieMountain]

Half of everything makes sense.

If you choose to live together it should save you both money.

I’d query the Sky TV package if it’s a lot and you wouldn’t have chosen it yourself though.

Don’t do the majority of housework and cooking! Presumably he manages to get it done currently.

[mobear]

I do think you should contribute more than 1/2 the bills but I don’t think you should be out of pocket, so you should take account of extra commuting costs, storage etc. Perhaps if you split what you’re saving down the middle then you both have the opportunity to put away the same amount each month for your future, and if you split you’ll both walk away with the same amount.

When my DP moved in with me he paid me an amount which was around 1/2 the bills (although, not always) and it built up a lot of resentment on my side as I was struggling as it was and he had loads of cash (also a very high earner, whereas I was not).

[Rainbowqueeen]

You should not be doing all the cooking and cleaning no matter what his hours are. He is presumably able to cook and clean at the moment so you moving in shouldn’t change that. How did that suggestion even come about?? Why does he think you should be paying rent when he won’t be contributing to the household jobs ?

For me the issue is that you have no security. He can kick you out with no notice whatsoever. I would only agree to pay rent if you are given the corresponding security that a tenant would have. So a signed legally enforceable document which gives you rights.

[JaneLivesHere]

You need to look at the whole thing again. You say The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, but on reflection it doesn't seem like this is the most logical choice.

I wouldn't move in with anyone and do all the housework! Why would you do that?

[DeathStare]

The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house

If its increasing the school run and your commute I'm not sure this is true. Is it just your child that would be living with you or does he have children living with him too? I'd be loathe to uproot a child if I could avoid it.

Why doesn't he move in to your rented place and split the rent and bills. That way you can put the money he gives you into savings. He can rent out his place. If you later decide to buy somewhere together you will both have a contribution you can make yo the deposit.

[AnnaSW1]

I don't see why you expect to live rent free. all rent is paying another person's mortgage

[Sweetchocolatecandy]

Most of the population have to pay rent or mortgage so what makes you so special that you think you should live for free? It’s embarrassing that your boyfriend had to even ask you, most decent people would have just offered to contribute.

[MrsRobbieHart]

I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

So he’s currently living in a shit hole and hasn’t eaten since he started his job?

Doubt that somehow.

[Recessed]

I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

This sounds like a recipe for disaster. What's the "nature" of your jobs? Do you work very very part time? Don't go in like this OP, as the domestic skivvy. Actually the whole thing sounds a bit precarious to me. I'd hold off for now until you are ready to enter on an equal footing.

[MrsRobbieHart]

By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work.

This plus the extra housework and cooking you’ll be doing- Doesn’t sound like this move has any benefit for you OP. Other than saving some rent money.

Stay where you are. Don’t uproot your child for a really bad offer.

[NapoleonOzmolysis]

His way will cost you more. Financially as his bills are higher than yours are now, you then pay the rent on top, plus extra on petrol for school run and storage for your furniture. Time and effort wise you would be cooking for 4 not 2, and cleaning a 4 bed house not a 2 bed flat.
You also have the additional power imbalance coming from the lack of security- he can chuck you out at any point, and you wouldn't have the cash reserves to easily find somewhere else because living with him is a higher cost.

What are the advantages to you here? There's a compromise to be had here somewhere but he needs to understand what he is asking of you.

[Billandben444]

First of all I voted YABU but having thought about it YANBU. as long as it doesn't cost him more by having you both live there, why should you pay full rent - he's not your landlord and you have no protection and could be turfed out at a moment's notice. I'd split all the other bills down the middle and tell him you'll give him half your current rent and save the rest towards a joint home in the future. Well done for discussing it first.

[Beautiful3]

So he wants this to be a business, where he is your landlord? Not your partner? I find this so weird. I would expect to pay half of all bills and food, but not towards his investment. The house is not yours, he could kick you out at any time. If he sells it, you would get nothing from it. I personally would move in with him for a year, if it works out well then ask him to sell it and buy else where 50/50 together. If you do that then you'll need to save up your own money to pay towards the new home.

[Aprilx]

I don’t think you should pay for 50% of his house without having a stake in it, but he is not asking you do that nor anything like that. He is asking you to contribute half of what you currently pay in rent, so your disposable income will go up, that seems very reasonable.

Don’t throw you doing housework into this, how demeaning, you make yourself sound like a live in maid.

[PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside]

It doesn't sit right with me, OP.

You currently live in a flat. He wants you to move into his house, and halve his living costs.

This is an increase in spend for you and it sounds like you're the one making the sacrifices.

In a romantic partnership, the partner in better circs should be supporting their other to make the change - not splitting the finances down to the last penny.

Your suggestion of splitting (higher) bills and paying food costs , plus the additional challenges moving to a different area with no security, are enough.

Doesn't make him sound like a keeper, I'm afraid.

[PomegranateQueen]

How does this move actually benefit your child? You are basically putting your child's security into the hands of an unrelated man. Carry on renting until you can come to a secure arrangement, ie married, jointly owned home.

[romdowa]

Why not just split everything 50/50 ? Would make it a whole lot easier.

[ClareBlue]

There is always a power imbalance in these situations, whichever partner owns the mortgaged house. The only really fair way is to rent or buy together and for him to rent his house out or sell. If you move in there will always be the default situation 'its my house's and you might always feel that. Also he will benefit from the asset and reduction in bills by whatever you pay. I have daughters who have been here.
The only real solutions I've seen are you add all your costs up before and after, including travel etc and what you are saving you put half into a joint savings and what he is saving the same. If you buy together this goes on the new house. If you split then you split the savings. You'll have put more in but you will have lived rent free.
It's very pragmatic and not romantic but you are in a more vulnerable position and that has to be recognised.

[Saoirse82]

Sorry, but you should be paying your way, I'm aghast to think you shouldn't have to? If you're not happy to pay towards housing costs then you should continue renting. You'll be saving a fair bit already by living with him, its only fair that you are both financially better off by living together.

[FrownedUpon]

I think he’s being fair. I don’t see why you should live rent free.

[MsHedgehog]

So you want to live rent free?

[Beachshell]

Nothing makes me so special, I’ve been paying rent for years.

When I rent I’ve got a contract that gives me rights. I can’t be asked to leave with no notice. I can ask for a fixed term so I have security. I’m currently in a 2 bedroom flat with a wonderful landlord who responds to requests and repairs immediately which is very difficult to come by. In his proposal, I’m paying him rent with none of the security that being a tenant provided me and my child. Plus, I am paying half of bills which are a lot more expensive than I’m paying currently, due to it being a larger property and having bills I wouldn’t pay in my own home. I’m also commuting further, having to get rid or sell my furniture. It’s a lot of risk for me and very little risk for him.