Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

OP needs to pay half of all the bills including rent. Don’t say shit like you’ll do all the cleaning and cooking. I’m sure a grown man on 100k can clean and cook for too. If the amount is less than the 1400 paid on her rent, she can safely put that in a savings account. That money can be used if they split.

I’m actually surprised so many think OP shouldn’t be paying rent. If a man did the same… It’s also not a 50/50 split when the OP is bringing a child. Judge Judy rages at cases like this. Saying you’ve bought towels and cook Sunday lunch doesn’t cover ‘rent’.

OP wants her man to say ‘come live with me and I’ll cover everything, you just cook dear’ and he’s thinking, yeah come live with me, but this ain’t a free ride.

Don’t move in with him and stay where you are OP.

He’s not a landlord by moving in she has no rights and he can make her Homeless overnight

So paying ‘rent’ is foolish without a rental agreement.

I know someone who did this he took a dislike to something she did - they had a child each and he just turfed them out she never got the sentimental stuff back - ever

A partnership means equity not equality. If he's making more money than you then you shouldn't be paying the same amount towards bills and rent, mortgage etc You should both be paying a percentage. £500 out of a 3k salary is not equal to £500 out of an 4k salary salary. He's asking you to be his roommate, not his partner. My husband makes 5 times more than me and he pays mortgage, bills, half the food, holidays, things we do on our dates and 100% of child costs. My ex boyfriend who I used to split everything 50/50 was 1 - never going to marry me and 2 - selfish and immature

OP, I agree with you. All risk for you and none for him.

People are saying its equal and fair for you to pay half the rent as well as bills...I don't think it is at all.

If you and him lived together say in your own joint owned home. He earns 100k and you earn 30k. The person who earns more picks up more bills.
My partner earns more than me so he picks up more bills. So we roughly have the same disposable income..

He earns over 3 times your salary and he wants you to pay half of his mortgage with no stake on the property which he can fling you out at any point?

Not a cat in hells chance I would agree to that.

So household income would be £130,000 of which you earn £30,000 . That's 23%.
You should pay 23% of outgoings.
But that's still not giving you security of tenure. And you'd be doing all the skivvying.

As pp said:

Stay where you are. Turn this around and suggest that He could move in with you and pay 50% of your rent and rent out his house. He can pay 50% of your bills, do your laundry and cleaning, feed you and be generally more inconvenienced.
I don't think he'd be quite so enthusiastic.

Never marry a mean man. I think you need to have a real conversation with this man and then think carefully about what you want to do.

I haven't RTFT. He is NBU to ask you to contribute I don't think.

To make it fair I would be splitting only essential bills. Extra luxuries are his decision to buy, the fact that you benefit from them also is just a happy perk for you that you get for being his significant other.

The only thing I would obviously be taking into consideration is any disparity between your earnings and the difference in cost to you, if it was more expensive for you to contribute to the mortgage, but it sound like that isn't the case.

Oh and if he earns £100k and you earn £30 then bollocks to all that.

I was assuming you were both typical earners.

I wouldn’t move in in these circumstances, keep your flat until you’re both sure you want to commit to each other through CP or marriage, if that means living with him for a few months while maintaining your existing financial arrangements he should be ok with that given his salary. You and your dc need and deserve security and a partner in a strong financial position who doesn’t understand that is missing something really important.

Please get some legal advice to clarify exactly what your legal position would be living at your boyfriend’s house and also what would happen in the event you split up. You need to be clear about the financial and security implications of both scenarios from a legal perspective. If you can’t afford a solicitor, try the Citizens Advice Bureau.

Good luck OP.

Actually no no bollocks, I agree with other posters saying it's pretty normal.

Yes living there without any agreement or marriage is not smart, but neither is it fair to live there rent free, if he is not comfortable with that.

Sounds more like a formal arrangement than a relationship. It all depends on what you're happy with OP. I moved in with my partner and he didn't ask for any payment at all. What I earn, I use as I see fit, which is usually food, house stuff, eating out etc. We're now married and I do 95% of the housework due to his job. We're happy this way.
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like you describe as much as some plant be happy in mine.
To be fair, it starts from when you're dating, I never went on a second date with a guy who wanted to go Dutch. Some would say old fashioned but I was lucky to find someone who sees it the same way. Do what makes you happy, don't go along with it just because it's what people say is right. What's right for one, isn't for someone else.

OP you'll be a housemate providing cooking cleaning company and sex on top of paying towards food bills mortgage etc. A win-win for your man, not so much for you.

Ignore pro-patriarchy minded women saying 'so what, your rent now is paying towards your landlord's mortgage isn't it?'

You are not cooking and cleaning for your landlord. Neither are you living with and sleeping with your landlord or even in a relationship with him. You pay rent to your landlord. That is it. The attempted comparisons are so stupid. Implying youre planning to land on him empty-handed and sut there paying nothing.

If I were you Id stay put. Keep your financial independence for the sake of yourself and your son. You dont need to move anywhere where you will take a financial hit for the sake of a man.

& if you'd want to be married before moving in with him then good for you, you've the right to your boundaries.

I agree @Treesandsheepeverywhere the only problem is the OP's partner doesn't seem to be one of those guys, so OP I think the issue is the dynamic rather than with any moral or social obligation to pay rent or whatever.

You're not happy to give up your independence if it means paying his mortgage. He's not happy to have you and a dependent living there rent free. You guys will just have to do something else.

Get legal advice.

No dont. How can you save for a place of yr own if you are paying him rent. If you were married you could afford to contribute.

@minatrina

No doubt I am absolutely going to get trashed for this, but if my partner earned £100K+ and I was on £30K, there's a 0% chance I'd pay for any bills at all tbh. I absolutely wouldn't entertain the idea of splitting ANYTHING 50/50.

And I'd feel so dirty if the situation were reversed and I was asking a partner to pay bills and I earned a lot more than them, let alone a difference between £30K and £100K?!? It just seems so grotty to me.

Exactly! Why be in a relationship with someone you don't trust in the first place. If the shoe was on the other foot I'd do the same and not expect him to pay when I earn 3x more. Seems there just not well suited.

I think you are rushing in to this,stop and think about the negatives and the few positives.You have an excellent landlord and it is nearer to work and the school.It is very difficult to find rental property now and prices are rising so if it all goes wrong you may be homeless.Storage is expensive.Wait and see how the relationship goes for a while longer then if you want marriage before committing you will have your answer is he a keeper.Good luck.

@DeeCeeCherry

Ignore pro-patriarchy minded women saying 'so what, your rent now is paying towards your landlord's mortgage isn't it?'

I'm a high-earning woman with a lower-earning partner. If I dare expect him to contribute some portion of his earnings to the roof over his own head, does that make me "pro-patriarchy"? Or are you just a sexist who thinks the rules should be different for women? Perhaps that's because, being a shameless sexist, you can't imagine the situation existing with the sexist reversed. After all, everyone knows high-earning women are just a myth, like unicorns.

If you will be paying half of the mortgage then tell him you want to be Co - owner of the house.

*sexes reversed.

Agree that you should pay in proportion to your income, half rent and half bills, also food etc should be shared, as should housework and all other tasks. House maintenance etc should be paid for by him as it's of benefit to HIS asset. Can't you store your furniture there , with 4 bedrooms, rather than pay for storage. He does sound like a bit of a CF though as you had already said you would pay for all food and do all housework etc.

@TheFairPrincess

I agree *@Treesandsheepeverywhere* the only problem is the OP's partner doesn't seem to be one of those guys, so OP I think the issue is the dynamic rather than with any moral or social obligation to pay rent or whatever.

You're not happy to give up your independence if it means paying his mortgage. He's not happy to have you and a dependent living there rent free. You guys will just have to do something else.

True @TheFairPrincess, it's the dynamic. I was once in a relationship with an abusive and possessive guy who offered to pay for 4 years of my studies. I was desperate and it would have been a life saver, but I refused as I knew there would be strings attached and would have meant I couldn't ever leave him. Everything was tit for tat, and although I loved him to start with, I realised that I had to get out. I would never be comfortable in a what's mine is mine/what's yours is yours relationship. OP has to find someone with the same outlook as hers otherwise there will be resentment from both sides.

I think a contribution would go a long way, you would be paying rent otherwise. Maybe not 50/50 but some gesture, along with bills etc. I wouldl rxpect to pay towards the mortgage of a partner while living there but not half maybe? Explain you would like to keep some as a reserve. Always a difficult one with love and finances! X

Also, if he insists, you could suggest becoming joint owners, which I don't think would go down too well. Back up plan lol.