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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

999 replies

Beachshell · 24/09/2021 09:33

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Talktalkchat · 25/09/2021 21:33

Op - has no house, has no ring and has no plan.

The guy has already made arrangements for his cooking and cleaning already. He doesn’t need a live in maid.

OP can benefit by saving money (her living expenses are cut by half) as well as have a long term partner.

Who decided who to move in? OP hasn’t answered that.

Blossomtoes · 25/09/2021 21:34

My understanding is that contributions towards the mortgage (ie paying rent) and towards home improvement both have the effect of creating a beneficial interest.

If that was true nobody would have lodgers.

LaDamaDeElche · 25/09/2021 21:37

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.
Don't do it. The fact he is asking you to do this when he earns so much more than you, knowing you have a child and are taking all the risks of things don't work out, doesn't make him sound like a good person.
LaDamaDeElche · 25/09/2021 21:38

Also, on your salary, I'm assuming you get tax credits, which you also lose. You would be foolish to do this.

DavidRosesJumpers · 25/09/2021 21:44

If that was true nobody would have lodgers not so, the law recognises the relationship (albeit there is no automatic claim and it's not straightforward legally) - and that relationship status is different to a landlord/tenant which is about profit.

Cherrysoup · 25/09/2021 21:44

@Beachshell

Because I’m not his tenant, we’re meant to be partners working towards our future together. He’d be paying his mortgage irrespective of whether I lived there or not. He’ll be saving money on his bills plus food shopping. It’s not the same as renting from a landlord at all - with a landlord I am protected by law, I can’t be chucked out with no notice, I don’t have to sell my furniture, I can choose to live in an area that’s most convenient for me…
Then don’t move in with him. You cannot seriously expect to live rent free just because you’ll have a longer commute etc? That’s bonkers.
Weonlyhavealoanofit · 25/09/2021 21:47

Can he move in with you and rent out his house? What would the appropriate arrangements be in these circumstances? He would do all the cooking and housework and pay half the bills plus a compensatory sum representing his reduced mortgage payments? This isn’t going to work, you are sacrificing too much. If you move into his house you lose all your security plus you have committed to being a servant, cleaning and cooking (without pay) for your landlord.

DavidRosesJumpers · 25/09/2021 21:48

Also, on your salary, I'm assuming you get tax credits, which you also lose. You would be foolish to do this. Is child benefit affected by cohabiting? Presumably he would have to repay OPs child benefit.

Embracelife · 25/09/2021 21:49

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.
And you plan to move in Do most of the housework Pay all bills

be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

You are nuts

He s got himself cheap housekeeper.
Why you offering to be the housekeeper?
He caN afford a cleaner housekeeper

Stay in your own house

Or move in on basis your rent goes to a housekeeper

Don't be his maid.

Why would he marry you
When you offered all this for free?

sleepyhoglet · 25/09/2021 21:51

How much does he pay in mortgage?

I would base things on your and his salary which is unequal. He pays 70% and you pay 30% . These percentages should apply to mortgage, bills, food etc.
Open a join account and put a percentage of your wages in there to cover these things.

Embracelife · 25/09/2021 21:55

. Plus the other things mentioned; childcare, cooking, cleaning. Which by proxy often falls to the woman

Why?
If you move in
On your combined salary 130k you pay cleaNer babysitter housekeeper

But don't move in
As you will have no security
What dies your child say?
Where does child go if it goes belly up?
Does child have another parent they caN go to?

Talktalkchat · 25/09/2021 21:59

Women… wanting equality but not really

ManifestingJoy · 25/09/2021 22:02

@Talktalkchat

Women… wanting equality but not really
but... she can't build her own nest if she's feathering his?

He should care about that.

Leverover · 25/09/2021 22:03

Don’t cook and clean for him. Who the hell is he? Just pay for your rent and half the bills and live like an equal partner with him doing half of the household chores!

TwinsandTrifle · 25/09/2021 22:05

He s got himself cheap housekeeper.

He hasn't asked, she's offered.

Why you offering to be the housekeeper?

Because she's trying to substitute paying actual money by saying she'll do all the cleaning, and pocketing the £1400 rent she's no longer paying herself by moving in with him

He caN afford a cleaner housekeeper

He probably can. He doesn't want one. And he hasn't asked her to be one. He's asking her to pay for the roof over her head at 50% of what she currently pays. And no amount of "but she loses £90 child benefit" justifies her entitled attitude to live rent free because she'd prefer to do all the laundry. And all this pearl clutching about security. She's provided none for herself, she's in a rented flat. So "worse" case scenario, she ends up back in a rented flat again. Just like she is now, at her own hands. Except she's saving hundreds more a month, every month she lives with him. If he chooses to put the money she contributes off his mortgage, or in the bank, that's his call.

TatianaBis · 25/09/2021 22:05

@Talktalkchat

Women… wanting equality but not really
She’s not wanting equality if she’s prepared to do 100% the cooking and domestic work for free. That’s very unequal.

Not what you meant though is it?

Feelingoktoday · 25/09/2021 22:08

When my boyfriend moved into my mortgage property he paid me rent. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all.

TatianaBis · 25/09/2021 22:10

@TwinsandTrifle

He s got himself cheap housekeeper.

He hasn't asked, she's offered.

Why you offering to be the housekeeper?

Because she's trying to substitute paying actual money by saying she'll do all the cleaning, and pocketing the £1400 rent she's no longer paying herself by moving in with him

He caN afford a cleaner housekeeper

He probably can. He doesn't want one. And he hasn't asked her to be one. He's asking her to pay for the roof over her head at 50% of what she currently pays. And no amount of "but she loses £90 child benefit" justifies her entitled attitude to live rent free because she'd prefer to do all the laundry. And all this pearl clutching about security. She's provided none for herself, she's in a rented flat. So "worse" case scenario, she ends up back in a rented flat again. Just like she is now, at her own hands. Except she's saving hundreds more a month, every month she lives with him. If he chooses to put the money she contributes off his mortgage, or in the bank, that's his call.

Good grief.

This post is pretty much why women end up in shit situations with men - because they can’t see the wood for the trees.

New rental needs a deposit, good landlords are hard to find, furniture storage is expensive.

Thinking that paying for food and doing all the housework is a good deal.

Do you really not have that nouse to see this is a bad bargain? To actually read when a bloke is trying to take advantage of you?

TwinsandTrifle · 25/09/2021 22:10

I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

People really need to read the actual scenario. She's not paying "rent" to him and doing all of the above.

She's trying to pocket the £1400 rent she's saving by no longer renting her flat, and not pay him any "rent" at all by offering to pay for food and do all the cleaning.

He hasn't asked her for any of this additional crap. She trying to wangle out of actually paying her way.

TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine · 25/09/2021 22:11

He is clearly not considering your actual costs, no you won’t be paying rent on your current flat, but bills and commuting costs will rise. Once what your half of those, plus the increase in your half of the food costs (assuming he eats more than you, or has more expensive tastes given the income disparity) has been worked out, plus something to allow for your increased commute time, then you can see what is left. Don’t pay the entire food bill as it could be huge! Half of whatever figure you are actually saving by moving in could then go into an account to be used for joint things such as holidays with the children, with half being retained by you for potential costs if the move doesn’t work out. You need a timescale agreed too, eg you review every three months and if after a year it’s going well you get a change to the mortgage paperwork making you tenants in common, with your percentage relating to the amount you pay. I do understand him not wanting to risk you taking advantage, but he needs to not take advantage of you either. Definitely do not do all of the housework etc., if it’s going to a partnership of equals!

Inexpertjuggler · 25/09/2021 22:14

IMO, the fairest way is for each person to pay in the same percentage of their earnings to an account, out of which all joint bills are paid. So if you pay 50% of your earnings, and he pays 50% of his, and that covers mortgage, bills. Food, utilities, that’s fair, no?

TwinsandTrifle · 25/09/2021 22:16

Don’t cook and clean for him. Who the hell is he? Just pay for your rent and half the bills and live like an equal partner with him doing half of the household chores!

The irony, if you read the OP, is this is what he is stating.

All this "I'll do all the housework and be a maid" is OP trying to offer things he hasn't asked for, in place of actually paying rent. Essentially she wants to live rent free but it's ok because she does all the cleaning. He hasn't asked for this at all. He wants her to pay half of her current housing costs. She's £700 up a month (less £20 a week child benefit)

TatianaBis · 25/09/2021 22:19

@TwinsandTrifle

Don’t cook and clean for him. Who the hell is he? Just pay for your rent and half the bills and live like an equal partner with him doing half of the household chores!

The irony, if you read the OP, is this is what he is stating.

All this "I'll do all the housework and be a maid" is OP trying to offer things he hasn't asked for, in place of actually paying rent. Essentially she wants to live rent free but it's ok because she does all the cleaning. He hasn't asked for this at all. He wants her to pay half of her current housing costs. She's £700 up a month (less £20 a week child benefit)

How do you know what he asked for?

OP just said she would be doing the cooking and housework “due to the nature of our jobs”. If he didn’t have input into that I’ll eat my trilby.

She doesn’t want to live rent free, she doesn’t want to be taken advantage of.

TwinsandTrifle · 25/09/2021 22:25

She doesn’t want to live rent free

Except that's exactly what she is angling for. Read the OP again. He says contribute to house cost, and bills. She's only wants to pay bills and then offering overboard "maid service" thinking this equates to her not paying any "rent".

Funnily enough, he's not down with her pocketing £1400 a month, all at his enablement, while he pays for her and her DD, because she's offering to do housework that he's already been doing without her there.

BigFatLiar · 25/09/2021 22:29

Simple solution - don't move in together, stay as you are.