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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants me to stay home as he has covid

179 replies

ericaandfamily · 24/09/2021 08:53

DH tested positive for covid yesterday after 4 days of symptoms (he self isolated from the day he had symptoms).

I am office based and double jabbed. I have a work event in London today and then I am meant to be seeing friends after (friends I haven't seen in 2 years).

If we are double jabbed, work are not allowing us to work at home - they want everyone in the office.

DH has a temperature and says he aches, has been sleeping on the sofa with a duvet. I am out of the house from 7-7 this week at work so I've been avoiding him (in a nice way) as I get in from work, shower and then have been watching TV in the bedroom as he is sleeping a lot. Apart from handing him paracetamol, making him dinner and drinks of course.

He says I should go to work then stay in tonight, he is 30, healthy, double jabbed. Yes, he is poorly but is able to shower/move about etc.

We don't have any children.

He has now got the complete ump because I still want to go tonight, my friends are aware of his positive covid test, I am wearing a mask in public still and using antibac lots and have done throughout the pandemic. Touch wood, I haven't had it.

Am I unfair for leaving him on his own today? He has bottles of water, I made him breakfast, he has paracetamol and cold patches for his head. I feel like a shit wife for wanting to go out because he said it's selfish and now I don't know what to do!

If he was unable to move/breathless then yes I would absolutely stay in but I have my phone on me, I am not drinking, he's 5 days in with symptoms.

Any thoughts? Fully prepared to be told I'm unfair.

OP posts:
raspberrymuffin · 24/09/2021 11:25

2 things:

  1. My DH has cancer and we're waiting for treatment to start. He works in retail and for the time being is still going in to work because there is a limit to the amount of paid time off he can have and he'll need it more later. Did you know that if you test positive for COVID they will delay treatment, even for cancer? So you could go out tonight, pass it on to one of your friends, your friend goes into the shop my DH works in tomorrow and passes it on (it's an old building and they do their best with the ventilation but it's not great) and then suddenly oncology won't see him for his first appointment next week because of the risk he passes it on to someone with a compromised immune system. He is the best person I have ever met and doesn't deserve to die aged 42 because he had the bad luck to get cancer in a pandemic.
  1. Sometimes perfectly healthy people get COVID really, really badly. Perhaps your DH is worried this could happen to him while you're drunk and far away and can't hear your phone ringing.
WhatyoutalkingaboutWillis · 24/09/2021 11:26

When I got pinged 2 weeks ago by the NHS test, my work wouldn't allow me to come in until I had a neg PCR test result.

FaceForRadio1973 · 24/09/2021 11:26

I fully agree that he will probably be fine left alone for that time, and probably won't need mothering.

I also kind of agree that you may have to go out to work. (Although I'd be a bit disappointed that your employer won't consider working from home).

Personally I think that chosing to mix with friends is a very bad idea. It certainly isn't necessary like working.

Even fully vaccinated, who knows what nasties we can spread? Surely it makes sense to limit contact as much as possible.

If it were me, I would also try to limit my contacts at work too.

BoreiPuriHagafen · 24/09/2021 11:27

@pelosi
I get that, but I operate under the assumption that anyone could have COVID at any time, so I am meticulous about washing hands as soon as I arrive anywhere. I think that’s what everyone now has to do

Washing your hands on arrival isn't going to stop you catching COVID from someone in the venue.

it shouldn’t limit people like OP, who is excited to see her friends after 2 years. They’ll be able to catch up after the event and talk about the event.

Wow! She's so excited! Being able to 'talk about the event' afterwards is definitely more important than being with your ill partner or not passing COVID on to any number of people!

Lorw · 24/09/2021 11:28

He obviously doesn’t want you to go out and it has nothing to do with ‘you may pass on Covid’ 🙄

CarlaH · 24/09/2021 11:30

Oh lord the washing hands thing still being quoted as a way of avoiding covid.

It will make no difference whatsoever although I suppose it will stop people getting other nasty things like norovirus I suppose.

Frazzled2207 · 24/09/2021 11:30

It doesn’t sound like you need to be very worried about him so I would go out. Can you order him a takeaway or get him some nice m&s food if he has an appetite?

CaptaNoctem · 24/09/2021 11:33

I wouldn't want you to come if I was one of your friends group. In fact I'd be quite annoyed if you did.

Double jabbed or not you could still pass it on to me. I'm not particularly paranoid ( I no longer wear a mask) but sensible precautions are still required even if not legally mandated.

CraftyGin · 24/09/2021 11:36

I would stay in in the evening.

He's asking you to, so he really wants you to. "In sickness and in health".

Gilly12345 · 24/09/2021 11:37

If the boot was on the other foot then would you be happy with him going out after work?

Yummymummy2020 · 24/09/2021 11:37

If he doesn’t normally mind you going out with your friends and is feeling quite unwell and wants you to stay in, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t if it’s not an essential thing, purely just to be kind rather than necessary? I would myself, aside from the Covid thing. If he was controlling and never wanted you out that would be different of course.

Briony123 · 24/09/2021 11:38

Being allowed out if double jabbed was to save the economy. It is the reason cases are still sky high. To be responsible, you should only go to work if you cannot wfh and should not go anywhere else (in populated areas).
Sky high cases wouldn't matter if no one is being hospitalised, but they are (vast majority being unjabbed through choice - but that's another topic). This is reducing the ability of the health system to cope with other health issues.
So whilst legally you can do anything you want. The vaccinated going out and about is dragging out this whole situation.

Heronatemygoldfish · 24/09/2021 11:39

A colleague I work closely with tested positive this week. I would normally be going out to a voluntary event tonight but I asked everyone else going to this event how they felt ( emphasising I would entirely understand if they said no) and they said they'd be happier if I stayed away this week, even though I've tested neg (so far!) and missing it means more work for them.

I am also relieved as I don't want to risk others either.

OP I'd suggest you ask how your friends feel. Doesn't look like there's much choice as far as your work goes, sadly!

eeyore228 · 24/09/2021 11:39

Your friends may well know and therefore have an option but the poor sods that end up serving you for dinner etc wont have the same opportunity extended to them though. But that's ok because after they are being paid to do a job.

Hopeful201 · 24/09/2021 11:40

My DS had COVID, we were both double jabbed-so PCR, limited contact with DS, wore my mask when out and stayed away from people as much as possible. I didn't go to a big fun work event, just in case as I didn't want to feel the guilt of potentially passing it around IYKWIM.

FakeFruitShoot · 24/09/2021 11:41

It sounds like he might be feeling grotty, or frightened, but maybe he is just bored and wants to spend time with you!...

It wouldn't be a question in our house as we are limiting all unnecessary contact while our child self isolates with a positive test. Yes, we have to work and her siblings have to go to school but it's a cost benefit analysis for us. We are missing a Baptism, a party, a birthday celebration and a meal out each. It's the least I can do for my friends. They would also say it was "fine" for us to go along but I think would feel pretty fucked off if we did end up passing it on, and a few would feel pressured to say it's fine when it wasn't really 100% fine...

Silverswirl · 24/09/2021 11:42

@HeartsAndClubs

Since when did guidance replace common sense and common decency?

Strikes me that all too often because something suddenly becomes guidance people treat it as if it’s mandatory, rather than exercising common sense and doing what is right compared to just what they want.

Going to work when someone in your house has tested positive for COVID is unavoidable. But going out when you are in a house where someone has tested positive for COVID is monumentally selfish because you can merrily be spreading COVID to all manner of people.

If your DH is actually self isolating then that’s one thing, but he isn’t. No, he’s not leaving the house, but he should be confined to one room with you leaving meals etc on a tray. You should be having 0 contact with him, but as things stand you are knowingly coming into contact with COVID every day and then heading out to spread it around.

A one off PCR test isn’t enough if you’re exposing yourself to COVID every single day.

But seems that a lot of people don’t realise what self isolation actually means.

The dh might not need looking after but we do see plenty of posts on here from OP’s who say they’re ill and don’t want their DH to go out on. Piss-up with their mates after having been at work all day because they just don’t want to be on their own any more, and the response is generally that the DH should stay home.

Oh don’t be so bloody ridiculous. Meals on a tray. Jesus Christ. By the time he got a test shes already been fully exposed. It’s a bloody cold for the vast vast majority now adults are double vaxxed. Honestly I despair
pelosi · 24/09/2021 11:43

[quote BoreiPuriHagafen]@pelosi
I get that, but I operate under the assumption that anyone could have COVID at any time, so I am meticulous about washing hands as soon as I arrive anywhere. I think that’s what everyone now has to do

Washing your hands on arrival isn't going to stop you catching COVID from someone in the venue.

it shouldn’t limit people like OP, who is excited to see her friends after 2 years. They’ll be able to catch up after the event and talk about the event.

Wow! She's so excited! Being able to 'talk about the event' afterwards is definitely more important than being with your ill partner or not passing COVID on to any number of people![/quote]
Again, I get that, but it’s the most I can do, keep my hands clean and carry on with my life.

She doesn’t have COVID.
She has a negative PCR test.
Her friends are aware.
Her DH is a dick.

Whoopy1 · 24/09/2021 11:43

If this was a woman at home with Covid and her husband was working for 12 hours and then said he was going out with his pals, he would be getting called selfish and unreasonable!

MrsLCSofLichfield · 24/09/2021 11:44

I'm double-jabbed and whilst I understand your work situation, I would not be happy if I found out I'd been socialising with someone who'd gone out knowing that their live-in partner had COVID.

pelosi · 24/09/2021 11:45

@CraftyGin

I would stay in in the evening.

He's asking you to, so he really wants you to. "In sickness and in health".

Whilst he trotted off quite happily on a stag do whilst OP was miscarrying.
RandomMess · 24/09/2021 11:45

When he has a cold does he call it flu and don his dressing gown of doom?

Beseen22 · 24/09/2021 11:46
  1. I wouldn't go because of the risk of infection. Yes we need to learn to live with it but I wouldn't go out if my friend's husband had influenza or norovirus either. I'd say "oh that sounds a bit rubbish, keep that to yourself and let's hang next weekend". If it were myself I'd think..I'm so glad that the restrictions have stopped so I get to make this decision and its not against the law for me to meet my friends but I'll risk assess and see them next weekend instead.
  1. Covid is often the kind of illness where some can muddle along OK and need a lot of rest and then all of a sudden spike a temperature. Then their temp jumps right up to 39.8 and sats drop and pulse spikes. So in hospital if someone is stable we check their observations every 4 hours but if someone has covid we generally make that 2 hourly because they can become pretty unwell so quickly. If my husband was a bit scared about being in on his own when he was ill I would stay. Admittedtly that is my marriage and not yours and I doubt he would go away to a stagger in the situation you described earlier.

I'm glad you have taken the steps you can with PCRs and LFTs and outside dining if you do decide to go out.

FlorenceWintle · 24/09/2021 11:49

@MrsLCSofLichfield

I'm double-jabbed and whilst I understand your work situation, I would not be happy if I found out I'd been socialising with someone who'd gone out knowing that their live-in partner had COVID.
Read the thread, she’s said several times that her friends know.
FlorenceWintle · 24/09/2021 11:50

@WhatyoutalkingaboutWillis

When I got pinged 2 weeks ago by the NHS test, my work wouldn't allow me to come in until I had a neg PCR test result.
Which the OP has had.