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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School keeps taking away my daughter's shoe

517 replies

Dryrobeandnoknickers · 23/09/2021 17:18

This week my Year 7 dd's school is running some baseline tests for them and on Friday we received a message from the school to let us know about these tests and ask that they bring in some headphones.

Neither dd or I own any headphones that would work with the laptop and I completely forgot to borrow some over the weekend.

On Monday during the first test she explained to the invigilator that she didn't have any, but luckily they had spares. She was told that she could borrow them in exchange for one of her shoes so "that she didn't steal them". This happened for several of the tests so she had to sit in the hall for several hours without a shoe and feels like she was being treated like a thief, and that it was humiliating.

She has now borrowed a pair of headphones for the rest of the week from a family member but chatting with some other parents this seems like a commonly used approach at the school.

I asked the school for their side of it and have just received a response saying "in the past we have loaned headphones to students and they have forgotten to return them and this has cost the school a substantial amount of money to replace them. We feel we have taken a light-hearted approach to loaning headphones to students who have forgotten to bring their own into school."

I'm pretty annoyed about how this was handled - my daughter felt it was degrading and that it not pitched in a light-hearted way but she was treated as though she might be a thief.

If I asked a colleague at the school I work at if I could borrow a pair of headphones and they asked me to give them my shoe in exchange I'd feel pretty frustrated about being treated like that too.

AIBU and this just how things work at secondary school and I'm being too precious and naïve about how to manage these things?

I know that its not the biggest of issues in the greater scheme of things but it has really grated on me and I really want to raise it with the school. Surely they'll get more out of the kids by treating them in a respectful way (which their behaviour policy states they should) and if/when there are any issues and they don't treat the school property with respect then they should be given a consequence and the parents should pay to replace them. Why not simply count out the 10 sets of headphones at the start of the test then count them back in at the end?

AIBU to challenge them on how they do this? I'm guessing an email from me isn't likely to change things but really feel I should say my piece.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 23/09/2021 19:14

I don't like it, but I can see what drives it and why the school need to do something.

I wouldn't bother saying anything. It isn't as though they asked her to strip off.

mrsm43s · 23/09/2021 19:15

I think it's a blinding idea.

But since you don't, I'm sure you won't completely forget to ensure that your child has the correct equipment for school again.

Blurp · 23/09/2021 19:15

I'm not keen on this at all. I would have found it embarrassing and distracting to have one shoe missing while doing a test (I was always on edge in exams and it didn't take much to set me off). And in the event of a fire alarm going off (not unheard of during exams, let's face it) she would have to go outside with only 1 shoe on.

Better solutions would be some combination of:

Make sure school headphones are big and distinctively marked so they can't be smuggled out easily and kids won't be keen to steal them

Make a note of who borrowed headphones and get them to hand them in before anyone leaves the hall. Or a teacher goes round while everyone is still seated and collects them in.

Take a schoolbag instead of a shoe as a deposit.

Marmelace · 23/09/2021 19:15

Wouldn't it be easier to just take both shoes.

edenhills · 23/09/2021 19:18

They do this at my kids school. The kids find it funny.

Tailendofsummer · 23/09/2021 19:20

OP should have reassured her dd there was nothing to feel embarrassed about and the school were just making sure no one could forget to return them. She'd have felt better after that than all this hand-wringing.
The school clearly had allowed for not everyone to have their own, it was not a punishment for not having any.

VividImaginationAgain · 23/09/2021 19:21

Ds3’s secondary school take their mobile phone in exchange for pens or calculators. Ds3 has ADHD/ASD so his phone spends most lessons on the teachers desk. He can leave home with three pens in the morning and be borrowing by lunch time!

IveNameChangedAgain2020 · 23/09/2021 19:22

I can't believe what I'm reading. It's bloody humiliating and other PPs are right - what if you just couldn't afford headphones? Surely we should treat children how we would want to be treated? This is infantilising.

Megistotherium · 23/09/2021 19:25

I think it's kind of funny. I'm sure they don't think students actually steal them, but most likely forget to return and misplace them if they aren't reminded. And it's quite difficult to miss you are missing a shoe.
So yeah, if you didn't forget it, you didn't have to borrow it in the first place, so no harm done, really.

FrippEnos · 23/09/2021 19:28

@IveNameChangedAgain2020

I can't believe what I'm reading. It's bloody humiliating and other PPs are right - what if you just couldn't afford headphones? Surely we should treat children how we would want to be treated? This is infantilising.
And if the child didn't give the equipment back should we be charging them with theft? Or making them pay for the equipment that they don't return?

We don't do either because they are children, so we find other ways to make sure that the equipment comes back.

Somuddled · 23/09/2021 19:29

It isn't about seeing her to be a thief but rather that children are forgetful. By not having a shoes, there is no way for your child to mistakenly forget to return the item. I actually think it is a great approach.

Cherrysoup · 23/09/2021 19:29

A colleague used to have several 2 foot long pens that she’d lend out. It was probably a bit humiliating for the child, although most loved borrowing them, damn hard to write with tho.

I think a shoe is a fair swap. You’re not going to forget that.

I do wonder if kids have become more precious in recent years. One complained the that another teacher asked if she should play the violin him when he was upset at getting detention. Had I complained about this as a student, I’d have been told tough, get over it, do better next time. I was ultra sympathetic, our school doesn’t use that kind of language to children, we’re very careful about how we speak to the students, but it’s a big change from even 10 years go.

Holly60 · 23/09/2021 19:30

It’s so students don’t forget and literally walk off with them. As soon as they walk away they realise they don’t have a shoe

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 23/09/2021 19:33

I wonder if the school has a risk assessment for pupils being barefoot in class 🤔

izzybobsmum · 23/09/2021 19:35

In my DDs case, her pencil had been stolen by another pupil who refused to give it back. The teacher obviously didn’t fancy getting involved in a ‘sir she took my pencil debate’ so just took DDs shoe instead….

Haudyourwheesht · 23/09/2021 19:35

This used to happen in the school I work in! The kids found it hilarious and it was a good way to get your pencils back at the end of the lesson. We couldn't do it now though. We'd get parental phone calls. People have lost their sense of humour.

lannistunut · 23/09/2021 19:35

I think it is weird and a bit embarrassing for kids who like to keep their head down.

I am Hmm at the idea everyone should be perfect and can afford everything, never forget anything.

izzybobsmum · 23/09/2021 19:39

Do you reckon I should do it to my boss at the next service area meeting? He always forgets his laptop and asks to borrow pen and paper from me. Maybe I should take his shoe? 😂

CoronaPeroni · 23/09/2021 19:39

It's not done to 'humiliate' or even slightly embarrass the student. It's an exchange. The school would have probably gone through numerous ways of trying to collect the equipment back in and this way works the best for them and the students. It's quick at the end of the lesson before the students have to move on. Most of the alternatives on here assume all the time in the world to tick off, sign out etc.
Someone mentioned getting a cold foot. Grin

Porridgealert · 23/09/2021 19:41

@lannistunut

I think it is weird and a bit embarrassing for kids who like to keep their head down.

I am Hmm at the idea everyone should be perfect and can afford everything, never forget anything.

I can't tell you how many learners showed up for gcse exams with no pen, never mind calculators etc. They just expected that someone would be there to bail them out of the problem. If they can't remember for an actual exam, how many do you think forget for just run of the mill lessons?
lannistunut · 23/09/2021 19:44

@Porridgealert when I was teaching there were plenty.

My point is that not everyone can afford things, not everyone is just forgetful.

I assume you have met a poor person at some point in your life?

Russell19 · 23/09/2021 19:53

I think its funny

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 23/09/2021 19:55

If you visit the Imperial War Museum you can read (so I am told) a similar tale about Douglas Bader, which is why you never see a photograph of him wearing headphones.

ShinyMe · 23/09/2021 19:56

@Babyiskickingmyribs

There is a famous bar in brussels that takes a shoe as a deposit for certain particularly large and expensive beer glasses - like a small yard glass shape. They string the shoes up on a rack hanging from the rafters. It’s supposed to be funny but also stop people running away with the cool beer glass or refusing to pay the fine for breaking one. I bet one of the teachers at your daughter’s school has been to this bar…
Holy crap. That's not the Coffin is it? Many years ago as students we were nearly arrested (or scammed out of lots of cash) by that bar insisting we had stolen their skull glasses, and they would call the police if we didn't pay their "charge". We were only saved because i happened to speak french and made them call the police, and proved we hadn't got any skull glasses stuffed down our pants. They were SCAMMERS.
MamaNorth · 23/09/2021 19:57

Two dc at secondary here and really why did she feel ‘humiliated’? Surely she felt ‘a bit embarrassed’. Not exactly the same. The teacher didn’t dance about the class room laughing at her.

She just forgot to get some headphones, people are always forgetting things. It’s only a big deal if you make it one.

I would work on your resilience, this is a not a useful trait.

‘Prepare your child for the road, not the road for your child’.