School keeps taking away my daughter's shoe

[Dryrobeandnoknickers]

This week my Year 7 dd's school is running some baseline tests for them and on Friday we received a message from the school to let us know about these tests and ask that they bring in some headphones.

Neither dd or I own any headphones that would work with the laptop and I completely forgot to borrow some over the weekend.

On Monday during the first test she explained to the invigilator that she didn't have any, but luckily they had spares. She was told that she could borrow them in exchange for one of her shoes so "that she didn't steal them". This happened for several of the tests so she had to sit in the hall for several hours without a shoe and feels like she was being treated like a thief, and that it was humiliating.

She has now borrowed a pair of headphones for the rest of the week from a family member but chatting with some other parents this seems like a commonly used approach at the school.

I asked the school for their side of it and have just received a response saying "in the past we have loaned headphones to students and they have forgotten to return them and this has cost the school a substantial amount of money to replace them. We feel we have taken a light-hearted approach to loaning headphones to students who have forgotten to bring their own into school."

I'm pretty annoyed about how this was handled - my daughter felt it was degrading and that it not pitched in a light-hearted way but she was treated as though she might be a thief.

If I asked a colleague at the school I work at if I could borrow a pair of headphones and they asked me to give them my shoe in exchange I'd feel pretty frustrated about being treated like that too.

AIBU and this just how things work at secondary school and I'm being too precious and naïve about how to manage these things?



I know that its not the biggest of issues in the greater scheme of things but it has really grated on me and I really want to raise it with the school. Surely they'll get more out of the kids by treating them in a respectful way (which their behaviour policy states they should) and if/when there are any issues and they don't treat the school property with respect then they should be given a consequence and the parents should pay to replace them. Why not simply count out the 10 sets of headphones at the start of the test then count them back in at the end?

AIBU to challenge them on how they do this? I'm guessing an email from me isn't likely to change things but really feel I should say my piece.

[TheWeeDonkeyFella]

I understand the school not wanting to lose kit but I wouldn't like to sit in a work meeting with one shoe missing, I'd find it quite distracting.

[Porridgealert]

@campion
Depends on the school- some are very strict on the lack of a planner in a lesson. And one left behind would have a name on it so go find the owner.

But then you've put the onus back on the teachers to do the chasing up. The school is trying to teach the students responsibility. Not that they can do what they like because someone else will run round and sort out the problem for them.

[senua]

BluebellsGreenbells So YOU didn’t buy headphones and it’s the school who are embarrassing her?
Right …

OP If it had been on the equipment list at the start of the year then I would have. It wasn't and was only requested on Friday. Yes - its my fault I didn't borrow any over the weekend, I was feeling like shite and forgot. Does that mean its acceptable for the school to humiliate my kid for my mistake? Nope.

It's DD's fault. She's in High School now; she's got to learn responsibility. I would have thought that if you worked in a school yourself that you would know this.

[starfishmummy]

For a school test, then they should provide the necessary equipment to every one. That's how it used to be done. 30 kids, 30 headphones to come back. Count them as they are returned and no one leaves until they are all accounted for.

[CaptaNoctem]

Humiliated? Oh for goodness sake. Does no one teach their child resilience any more?

My children (and their friends) would just have found this extremely funny.

It’s an effective way of getting school property returned and doesn’t discriminate against rich or poor. Mine were always forgetting to take in bits of kit. No one gave it a second thought.

[ChloeDecker]

I would have saved up to buy her some but I don't have the luxury of being able to just Amazon Prime some to turn up the next day this month.

Just in case anyone wants some cheap headphones, these are £2.65 on Amazon.

[GivenchyDahhling]

I’ve heard of this. Personally, I don’t want to have 15 year old boys’ shoes anywhere near me so I wouldn’t do it! However, I do ask for phones in exchange for calculators. Funnily enough, I always get my calculators back.

[TwoLeftSocksWithHoles]

I went to a bowling alley and they wanted BOTH my shoes before they would let my borrow a pair of their bowling shoes.

To be honest their shoes were far more stylish than my old plymsols and I did think I might let them keep mine and I'd have the bowling shoes... (I didn't in the end)

[User135792468]

I always used to give the option of a shoe or a mobile phone. They always give a shoe. Stop being so precious, it’s a bit of fun. Next time, make sure she’s prepared and it won’t be an issue. My current school would just issue a detention. Would your dd prefer that? I’m guessing she gets her flair for the dramatic from you.

[megletthesecond]

It's a seemingly clever idea but actually really nasty for some kids. My youngest would feel distressed by it and take it out on me and then be hugely anxious it might happen again and put her off school even more.

[trumpisagit]

It's brilliant. I wish I had taken a (stinky) shoe, from all the kids who borrowed!/stole my pens when I was teaching.
The reasonable answer is bring in the correct equipment like everyone else.

[izzybobsmum]

This happened to my daughter when she was 13 at school. All because she asked to borrow a pencil. She did question the teacher at first, thinking he was joking, but he was deadly serious. She was humiliated, and if there had been an alarm of any kind would’ve had to have gone out with no shoe on.

I thought it was utterly bizarre and infantilising. Maybe if my DD was habitually forgetting stuff, but it was a total one off. Adults forget stuff all the time and we don’t take their shoes off them do we?!

I did mention it to school when I contacted them about something else, and they seemed a bit non-plussed too. They had had lots of complaints about this particular teacher in general, and he no longer works there…

[Spikeyball]

"Would make more sense to pass over a homework diary or something similar if they still have those..."

Kids that forget stuff all the time generally don't care about not having a planner.

[Porridgealert]

@Percie
Basic to you, maybe. But if short-notice and out of the ordinary that isn't basic with the way autism effects me.

Firstly, it's not out of the ordinary to take in extra stuff for school.
Secondly, the op's DD had all weekend to source headphones. You could buy them off Amazon and have them delivered the same day or next day. You could get some from supermarkets that are often open 24hrs and are open Saturday and Sunday. Or you could borrow them. The op had no problem borrowing them, she just forgot.
Thirdly, you're implying that if you had a month's warning, you wouldn't have forgotten. You would still have had to remember to put them in your bag the night before so it wouldn't have made any real difference.

I have organisational issues. I lose sleep over it. I'm a copious list maker. I put post its on the front door to catch my attention. I have to put things near the door and still forget. So I do understand. But it's of no use to my employers to say, I forgot. Instead I have to learn to do better.

[Ozanj]

Expenses related to a child’s education are worth it & should be budgeted for wear possible. There isn’t any type of headphone a school uses that you can’t get for under a tenner. I just got an all singing, all dancing, microphone / bluetooth / audio / usb headset for £12 from Sainsburys. It wasn’t even on offer.

[JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon]

What is wrong with taking the name of the pupil borrowing something and calling those pupils to the front of class to return the item before dismissing the class? It would be a pain for stuff like pens but worth the effort for expensive kit.



Alternatively my teacher friend used to buy the most obnoxiously colourful sparkly pens with stuff on the end and would lend those out as they were a) uncool so the kids didn't like using them and were more likely to sort one out themselves b) really obvious to spot at a distance to get them returned

[Ozanj]

£12 for 2

[Mummyoflittledragon]

The baseline tests don’t last long. Not very nice but a very practical solution. Teens simply can’t forget a shoe.

[ChloeDecker]

What is wrong with taking the name of the pupil borrowing something and calling those pupils to the front of class to return the item before dismissing the class?

Nothing wrong with it per se but I would hazard a guess that the parents complaining about their child being humiliated handing in a shoe would also consider this humiliation too.

[Karwomannghia]

It’s a bit odd but it really worked!

[NeverDropYourMoonCup]

Phone, shoes or bus pass guarantee a return. Otherwise you can (and do) lose £350 of headphones by half term and nobody gets to borrow any until the following year.

[Cocomarine]

You can see where your daughter has learned her ridiculously precious attitude from.

You forgot to get some for her - that’s the bottom line here.

[LegoCaltrops]

How do you propose that tye school deal with the issue @Dryrobeandnoknickers? Pupils arrive at school with missing/inadequate/broken equipment, are loaned some by the school, inevitably sometimes it goes "missing" or is damaged. I'm not saying your child has or would have done this, but it happens. The school has to find the money to replace these items, & needs to know who are the children who are persistently careless with borrowed equipment. Schools are dreadfully underfunded. How would you deal with it?

[CloseYourEyesAndSee]

Teach your daughter to give less of a shit. She won't be the only one having to sit with one shoe.

My DS had to hand over his whole school bag in exchange for PE kit the other day. I fully understand why they do that.

[Kite22]

This is a long standing and very common sense approach to pupils borrowing things they have neglected to bring to lessons. It has been done for a pencil or a pen for ages.
Pupils don't usually feel humiliated. I agree with this poster: I think you are most upset because your daughter felt bad about it. You getting annoyed probably reinforced her feeling of embarrassment. Perhaps if you had just laughed, she would have been OK, but, of course, it's difficult to backtrack now.

If anyone did feel humiliated, then it probably means they remembered all their kit for that teacher next time. A bit of a life lesson if you will.
Reminds me of the swimming costume that was lent to anyone who forgot theirs when I was at secondary school. Amazingly, after anyone in your class had to wear it, just once, no-one "forgot" their swimming costume ever again. ergo - it works.

I'm amazed how split the vote is, tbh, I would be interested to know how many of the voters have dc in secondary.