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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School keeps taking away my daughter's shoe

517 replies

Dryrobeandnoknickers · 23/09/2021 17:18

This week my Year 7 dd's school is running some baseline tests for them and on Friday we received a message from the school to let us know about these tests and ask that they bring in some headphones.

Neither dd or I own any headphones that would work with the laptop and I completely forgot to borrow some over the weekend.

On Monday during the first test she explained to the invigilator that she didn't have any, but luckily they had spares. She was told that she could borrow them in exchange for one of her shoes so "that she didn't steal them". This happened for several of the tests so she had to sit in the hall for several hours without a shoe and feels like she was being treated like a thief, and that it was humiliating.

She has now borrowed a pair of headphones for the rest of the week from a family member but chatting with some other parents this seems like a commonly used approach at the school.

I asked the school for their side of it and have just received a response saying "in the past we have loaned headphones to students and they have forgotten to return them and this has cost the school a substantial amount of money to replace them. We feel we have taken a light-hearted approach to loaning headphones to students who have forgotten to bring their own into school."

I'm pretty annoyed about how this was handled - my daughter felt it was degrading and that it not pitched in a light-hearted way but she was treated as though she might be a thief.

If I asked a colleague at the school I work at if I could borrow a pair of headphones and they asked me to give them my shoe in exchange I'd feel pretty frustrated about being treated like that too.

AIBU and this just how things work at secondary school and I'm being too precious and naïve about how to manage these things?

I know that its not the biggest of issues in the greater scheme of things but it has really grated on me and I really want to raise it with the school. Surely they'll get more out of the kids by treating them in a respectful way (which their behaviour policy states they should) and if/when there are any issues and they don't treat the school property with respect then they should be given a consequence and the parents should pay to replace them. Why not simply count out the 10 sets of headphones at the start of the test then count them back in at the end?

AIBU to challenge them on how they do this? I'm guessing an email from me isn't likely to change things but really feel I should say my piece.

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 23/09/2021 22:26

I think this is really effing bad, and it's not something I've ever heard of in any school. It's actually wrong on so many levels. I'd be furious it's totally unnecessary, if they dont come back they should just charge the parents. There's better ways of dealing with items not being returned than by degrading and humiliating the vulnerable

MissMaple82 · 23/09/2021 22:28

I'd be tempted to put in some formal complaint because it really is a socially unacceptable practice

Ilovetoddlerssaidnooneever · 23/09/2021 22:28

@Babynames2

Oh and if students need to borrow blazers/ties etc from student services if they’ve ‘forgotten’ them, we ask for house keys/mobile phones/cash to be left. You have no idea how much stuff goes missing if the school don’t have some sort of ‘deposit’ to ensure return.
Last year my school lost 300 ties that were "borrowed", at around £7 a pop. That's £2000+ down the drain!

A lot of posters seem to be missing that the point is to avoid equipment going missing in the first place, rather than being able to chase it up.

Also, as teachers we tend to have a pretty good idea of our pupils' backgrounds. If we know money is tight we are more likely to buy them headphones to keep than to take a shoe. But thanks for the vote of confidence everyone!

Djifunrsn · 23/09/2021 22:29

I think it's fine. You aren't going to walk off with the headphones if you haven't got a shoe on. It's not about stealing, more of a reminder not to accidentally walk off with them.

FrippEnos · 23/09/2021 22:32

MissMaple82

if they dont come back they should just charge the parents.

Some parents complain when their child is sanctioned for not returning equipment, do you really believe that they would pay for equipment not returned?

Ilovetoddlerssaidnooneever · 23/09/2021 22:32

@noblegiraffe

Massive final salary pensions and absolutely loads of shoes. #teacherlife
And clocking off at 3.15 each day
MrsHamlet · 23/09/2021 22:33

We never got the money we billed out to the parents of a child who picked up and threw a computer monitor. It was on cctv.

SymbollocksInteractionism · 23/09/2021 22:34

I would have hated this as a teen. I've had bunions my whole life and would have been mortified having to take a shoe off.

YANBU

Feedingthebirds1 · 23/09/2021 22:37

@Tailendofsummer

I'd love to know what the kind of things people in other jobs (you know, the real life ones) buy to bring into work that is comparable to what the average primary school teacher buys for her work each year.
And 'work to rule'??? That'll be those teachers still up doing their marking at midnight and working most Sundays to prepare classes for the next week (including all the extra work to allow for differing learning styles), and spending half their six weeks holiday that gets so many people saying teachers have it easy getting ready for the new academic year. Won't it?
HelloDulling · 23/09/2021 22:38

@noblegiraffe

Massive final salary pensions and absolutely loads of shoes. #teacherlife
Truly, it is the only profession left where the one legged man is King, now that pirates get such a bad rap.
notthemum · 23/09/2021 22:38

@Porridgealert
I was definitely a perturbed by your comment to Percie, who was attempting to explain her thoughts on this (which I thought she did very well).
I worked with both adults and children with autism for many years and can assure you that as Percie said this incident would be much more likely to produce a meltdown, possibly a severe one, extreme future stress and not as you suggested help her remember.
Please don't use these throw away comments when you clearly do not know what you are talking about.

Percie. 💐💐

freshFortunes · 23/09/2021 22:39

@noblegiraffe

Massive final salary pensions and absolutely loads of shoes. #teacherlife
No pairs that you can actually wear though 🤷‍♀️ I display mine in a glass cabinet...like a serial killer...
JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 23/09/2021 22:39

Think it through.

What's going to happen in a fire evacuation if a child bends over to put their shoe on in the doorway 🙄

Macncheeseballs · 23/09/2021 22:41

Why don't you have headphones yourself, they're very cheap

Comedycook · 23/09/2021 22:41

I think it's fine and that you should make sure you send your DC into school with the equipment they need.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 23/09/2021 22:44

When I was at school in the dark ages (the eighties and nineties) the teacher wouldn't have let use leave our seats until all the equipment had been returned.

Itsbeen84yearss · 23/09/2021 22:46

Ha one of our teacher trainees did this years ago and got into trouble. Most schools frown on this kind of thing

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 23/09/2021 23:07

A shoe is a good aide memoire for the child; by senior school I think requests like the one made should be achievable. It's not a school teacher's job to chase up after children who might've forgotten to return property.

By this age you are teaching children not just facts, but independence and accountability for consequences arising from their choices. If your DD doesn't like giving up a shoe she knows what to do.

inpixiehollow · 23/09/2021 23:07

I've left my phone in the hairdressers before when I've had to nip to the cash point so they don't think I'm doing a runner. I do think you're overthinking it a bit.

Donutdisaster · 23/09/2021 23:09

Yabvu
Get her some headphones then Hmm

ladycardamom · 23/09/2021 23:10

YABU. Maybe send her with a cash deposit?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/09/2021 23:43

Oh good grief… this is the angst of the day?!

Your DD learned a good lesson…Have all of her required things. You learned a good lesson…provide the things your daughter needs.

If this psychologically scars her until the end of days you have bigger worries and need to focus on those. If she is having issues facing up to slight inconveniences and feeling uncomfortable, it’s time to teach her some resiliency.

Honestly, you (global you) all wonder how kids grow into confident adults? It’s no secret, it’s by learning from mistakes and getting through day to day irritations. It’s learning how to laugh off taking a test with one shoe on… it’s making a joke to your friends about the bounty you had to pay on a silly pair of headphones, it’s commiserating over the forgetfulness of parents (insert teenage eye roll here), it’s by realizing that showing your socks to all is not the end of the world.

That is how kids gain confidence and learn how to deal with the ups and downs with life.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/09/2021 23:48

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon

Think it through.

What's going to happen in a fire evacuation if a child bends over to put their shoe on in the doorway 🙄

Do your children wear shoes 24/7? What happens when they are in the changing room after PE? How about using the toilet? Seems to me that is a straw man argument. 🙄
DesdemonaDryEyes · 24/09/2021 00:14

It’s a common way of dealing with loaning equipment apparently.

No harm done.

BabyYouKnowMyHandsAreDirty · 24/09/2021 00:38

I’ve never heard of this. Weird AF.