AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

[belfastlass]

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

My mother's adoption records she ordered herself a few years ago. I'm not sure why she ordered them and then just let then just let them gather dust.

This particular comment shows clearly your total lack of understanding of the matter

@belfastlass

"As stated, this is my family story too, and yes I do have a 'right' to know. I didn't ask to be born, and not into a family with such a messy background. The fact that my parents have spent their lives ignoring basic truths is their problem not mine, now that I'm an adult"

Your talking like a sulking 14 year old. Get the hint, your mum doesn't want to talk about it. You have a right to nothing. It's their personal history not yours. Do you really think she wants to drag all those feelings she had as a 12 year old back to the surface? You might feel all the wiser for knowing but she's the one dealing with the emotions.

You know she was adopted, know your fathers side had problems too. You don't need to know anymore than that. Unless they want to tell you. Which I suspect they don't.

As an adoptee I am incensed by what you have done. How can you not see that biology is totally irrelevant here? What matters is who your real family are, those hat brought you up and loved and cared for you. You are trampling over your family and their feelings and probably going a long way to destroying your relationship with them. Personally I'd be more concerned about rebuilding my relationship with my real and current family than looking back to those who may share a bit of dna and nothing else.

OP, you have had some harsh replies on here, I think because you doubled down on your original opinion and were not able to see things from your mum's perspective.

I have sympathy for you as I had a similar story in my family of origin, where my father wanted to keep secrets about his own behaviour and the existence of other family members. I judged him heavily for that, and my judgement of him and subsequent actions to uncover the truth put a barrier between us. I didn't realise how my own behaviour had contributed to the deterioration of our relationship until long after he died.

While some of the replies have been overly harsh in their wording and must be hard to read, I hope you will think of the spirit of the replies and the impact of your actions on your parents' feelings while you still have time to repair the relationship between you and your parents.

You are being selfish and naive about this OP

My gran has “no past”, no people from her past in her life, no family. My mum thinks there may be a history of abuse . I would never disrespect either of them by digging around

As my curiosity does not trump their feelings.

They want the past to be left in the past.

Your mum can now never approach her birth family on her own terms. You stole that from her because you felt nosey. She wasn’t given a choice about her adoption and you ripped away her choice about whether she wanted to revisit that trauma let alone in what way. She is now stuck with the narrative you have set and that is spectacularly shitty.

This!

My mother's adoption records she ordered herself a few years ago. I'm not sure why she ordered them and then just let then just let them gather dust.

Can you really not imagine?

@Muttly

I think you have to respect that in all likelihood your parents have experienced trauma from the events you are casually describing (adoption can be enormously traumatic for some people and your father’s situation equally so) and your parent’s likely cope with that trauma by sweeping it under the rug. Your search for your history is absolutely something you should do for you but you do not need to involve your parents in it and retraumatise them in the process. There are many sources of historical documents available to you to try to work out your history.

Forcing your parents to engage in something that is traumatic would be a very insensitive thing to do in the context of what you describe.

Exactly this.

You are presuming your mum knew she was adopted herself from a young age. A few generations ago, it wasn't the done thing to talk about or admit to adoption. The same with children being removed from their parents.

Their reasons for keeping quiet are much more than simply being difficult to annoy you. Respect that.

It’s totally out of order to reach out to your mother’s birth family. That was her decision alone to make and adoptees should be in control of that decision. It can be extremely distressing to be pushed into unwanted contact with bio relatives and feel very violating.

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

Have you ever thought that your mums personality will have been deeply shaped by her adoption

You say that she is always trying to please and doesn't like confrontation. That's a pretty common thing to see in adopted children. They have been rejected once and they try really really hard to conform and be good and not rock the boat because they fear that one wrong move and they get rejected and moved on again.
It's called hyper compliance and is a well recognised phenomenon.

Maybe have some empathy with her over that rather than criticising her personality.

Op, read this, and then read it again as needed.

You don't seem to see your parents as actual people who would have been affected by their circumstances.

I wonder if you'll be able to hold back whatever it is you find. You seem to want to find information to triumphantly prove yourself right in your search.
Grow some empathy OP

I am an adoptive parent and I can’t believe what you did to your mum.

Of course it’s true that it’s better to bring issues to light and you’ve clearly been influenced by whatever psychotherapeutic approach you’ve engaged in. But there’s an important point about consent too, and you’ve ridden roughshod over your parents’.

Why does your need for this information trump the wishes of the people a step closer to the situation?

You mum was adopted and she's never pursued finding her biological relatives, yet you've gone ahead and contacted them without her consent?

That's so harsh, to ignore your mum's wishes like that and blow open a situation that you have no idea what it will lead to. Those biological relatives you've contacted may have had no idea and now, thanks to you they have found a relative that doesn't want to make contact. Who does this help?

This isn't just a paper exercise, is it? This is real life, people's lives.

I think you need to really think about the impact of your actions and stop thinking of your wishes and desires here and respect the wishes and decisions of the other people involved in this.

your being selfish , just because you want to know ,your mother doesnt , . you sound almost scornful of her ,as if her not wanting to upset her adoptive mother is some sort of crime and being a bit too nice is some sort of horrible personality trait .

not everybody wants to dig up all the family skeltons , some things really are best left alone and thats obviously how your mum and dad feel .
i have a messy family background , lots of relatives , one suicide , lots of half brothers and sisters , 2 sisters iv never met as my mum had them adopted , iv got no deisire to know or meet them , it is what it is , and i havent allowed it to shape me into the person i am today ,

i dont meant to sound spiteful , but you come accross as playing a bit of victim here , its all your familys fault apparently , and you wont feel better until you have got them to tell you every secret there is
im not understanding how your mother being adopted as a child and your dads distant relatives losing custody of whoever has ruined your childhood and made you a person needing therapy and not wanting to have kids

I really love family history research too. However, you need to realise that what’s an interesting area of research for you is actually someone else’s life. I think you’re being unreasonable.

OP I think you should carefully consider the possibility that you owe your parents considerably more respect than you show them. Honour thy father and thy mother would seem good advice in this instance.

You come across as insufferable, arrogant and entitled. You also sound very young.

@Stompythedinosaur

I think I'd feel the same as you op. Your family history belongs to you as much as to them. I don't think they have the right to keep it from you.

Every single person has every right to decide what they share with others about the lives.

The OP has massively overstepped, they knew their mother didn't want to find their biological parents, but that was ignored and she went ahead anyway. The OP has no idea what trauma that caused her mother when she was taken away from her parents, and she certainly has no right to open that can of worms just because she is fascinated (or just down right nosey).
Same goes for trying to find out what happened to her father's relatives.

By contacting the mother's family she has opened people up for hurt and disappointment. The new relatives will want to meet her mother. The mother doesn't want to meet them. All hurt that could have been avoided had the OP followed her mother's wishes

You sound very uncaring and unsympathetic.

If you chose to continue, just don't discuss it with your parents. It's obvious that discussing it is causing hurt to them for whatever reason.

‘ As stated, this is my family story too, and yes I do have a 'right' to know’

No you don’t op, you really don’t.

My mum was adopted too and when she passed away we looked for her biological mother. To say I treaded carefully is an understatement, I didn’t know what circumstances she had my mum in or if this would’ve brought up lots of trauma for her. Or whether it would’ve caused her family issues me going to find her.
I treaded so incredibly carefully.

You are selfish op. You’ve gone against your mother’s wishes and dived right in giving no thought to anyone else but yourself. How dare you be so thoughtless and entitled.

Yes, you are being selfish. This is clearly something which upsets your parents and causes them stress and yet you’re pursuing it relentlessly. It’s interesting to you, so you’re disregarding their feelings about it (as the people actually involved in these traumatic-sounding situations) to satisfy your curiosity.

My mother's adoption records she ordered herself a few years ago. I'm not sure why she ordered them and then just let then just let them gather dust.

I can't imagine why she doesn't confide in you

Your mum is a people pleaser, imagine how bad things are for her that she's been firm with you over this. What an awful way to bully your mum, you can't even see how wrong you are.

It is an interesting discovery journey you have embarked on OP and it must be frustrating not being able to get more information from your own parents.
I know absolutely nothing about such research but wanted to say you could consider trying to be more accepting of your mother's behaviour.
Only she knows how she truly feels about her own situation. She might not be able to verbalise it because she may well be very conflicted about everything within herself and finds it difficult to shape a clear opinion about it all even in her own thoughts. Her 'doormat not wanting to upset anyone' attitude may reflect completely different in her own head. I wouldn't dismiss her as a doormat on this particular topic. She may not be able or willing to face her history and wants it all to go away. She may also feel overwhelmed by your father's presence when it comes to this subject so a further reason for her not wanting to address talking about it especially in his presence. She may be very alone on this topic however much others close to her are aware of circumstances.
It strikes me that this is her story that she is not ready, willing or able to deal with at all. She clearly attempted to but something stopped her (lack of courage, curiosity, drive or fear of what she'd find or uneasiness about your father's attitude).
On top of her all internal decades long struggles, you come along and wouldn't let off. Give her time and space. Find what you can or want on your own but don't involve your mother. She is not ready and she may never be. She may well have a much more complex view of her own situation than what it looks like from outside. She doesn't have to share this with you and she might not know how to do it anyway. Let her be. And don't dismiss her outward attitude, it may be a 'surviving' mechanism to cohabiting in relative peace with your father. It would be sad but not unique.

I should clarify: . the possible custody issue was with my father's grandparents, not his own parents, so traumatic yes but not directly affecting him

Yours words OP, not affecting him. So if it doesn't affect him why does it affect you to the point you believe you have a right to delve into someone else's life.

You or anyone else has no right to do that, that is their history not yours, these events happened long before you were born.

Your mother should have been the only one to instigate finding her birth family. I think you are totally out of order for doing that. Not everyone cares about biological links. A parent is more than DNA!
I don't think it is an unusual attitude from your parents. Many families have skeletons in the cupboards which is where they wish to keep them.
I think you should drop the subject with them. They clearly want nothing to do with it, or would prefer you didn't. If you feel the need to continue do so in private. Don't ask them about it, don't tell them anything you found out. It's not fair to force something that interests you onto others!

So you’ve found some relatives and spoken to them and regret it, and regret telling your mum about them.

As long as you got what you wanted though eh?

Absolutely appalling behaviour op.

My dad really loved family history. He did both sides of his family back a couple of centuries and found the expected kind of scandals (my favourite was his great aunt May and the farmer). He then started on my mums side.

My mums dad left when she was very small and she never saw him again. Talking about him causes her great pain and her brother won't mention him at all. Do you know what my dad did? Nothing. Because it would have caused distress. I remain curious about that side of my history - we know my grandfather had at least one previous family he also abandoned so I have 3 or 4 uncles and I imagine a boat load of cousins out there. But it's my mums choice to leave it as it is her pain.