AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

[belfastlass]

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

Contacting your mother’s biological family without her express consent overstepped the live and I can understand why they are both unhappy with you.

Line*

As stated, this was a personal project. My mother ordered her adoption records a few years ago as stated - I naively thought she would want to carry on the search and that by my searching further it could even help bring us closer together as we have drifted apart in recent years. Things developed far more quickly than I anticipated and I probably did not not think things through properly, and I can now see that I was wrong to involve her in my search without explicit permission and I regret informing her about what I found - so yes, mea culpa. As stated, I will carry on the search but not involve them in any way unless they ask, which is what I should have done from the start. I accept that.

However, that is the one overstep I have made. I have not mentioned anything else to them, I have not harangued them for documents or information, I have pushed them to talk about things they don't wish to. My father's issues I've never mentioned once to him, my information there comes from a discussion I overheard once between two uncles. My research has been completely with open-source materials, facebook etc. Honestly that's quite depressing if you ask me that I have to skulk about like some private eye rather than have an honest conversation about things with them but so be it.

Apologies if I come across to harsh or uncaring. Reading back it sounds like I am screaming at them for information they don't want to give, which is not the case. Obviously I am sensitive to their feelings. It's an emotive topic, and it probably links in too closely with wider issues e.g. what I'd call their poor parenting skills, and the effect this has had on and my siblings, for me to be objective about it. Which is why I accept that I should have kept this as a personal project. That said, I also reiterate my right to know about my own background.

• have not pushed them to talk

@belfastlass

I should clarify: . the possible custody issue was with my father's grandparents, not his own parents, so traumatic yes but not directly affecting him . My mother's adoption records she ordered herself a few years ago. I'm not sure why she ordered them and then just let then just let them gather dust. . I have been conducting this as a personal project. I only informed my parents as I thought they might wish to know some of the things I found out, however as they seemingly don't then I will carry on my research but just not inform them.

Also, I can see the point of people here calling me selfish. However by this logic, to research this further I will have to wait until my parents are dead, by which time any possible relatives will likely also be dead even if I can find them by that point, and I will be very old myself.

As stated, this is my family story too, and yes I do have a 'right' to know. I didn't ask to be born, and not into a family with such a messy background. The fact that my parents have spent their lives ignoring basic truths is their problem not mine, now that I'm an adult.

Frankly this is is a philosophy to life I've grown to absolutely loath - ignore difficult issues, pretend they don't exist, cover for people's psychological maladaptations rather than challenge and improve them, people's feelings trump everything including the truth. It ruined my childhood and teenage years and is a major reason why my family is not very close today, and why I've decided not to have kids myself. This is the basic idea behind psychotherapy - bringing uncomfortable truths into the light for better mental health. Sensitively yes, but knowing that not dealing with an issue will cause far more damage in the long-run than the pain of confronting it in the short-term.

Good lord, can you really not understand why your mother might have ordered her adoption records but not want to take it any further? Are you really so lacking in imagination and understanding that you cannot think of any valid reasons why your mother might not want to take things further? I would have thought it fairly reasonable to assume that she was curious and so got the records, but then decided that she knew all she wanted to know at that point. She may, or may not, change her mind in the future. That is her prerogative and absolutely her right. And absolutely not for you or anyone else to tell her that she must do something different.

There are lots of reasons why she might have decided not seek contact with her biological family- simply not wanting to know any more as she feels her adoptive family are the only ones she needs; fear of the unknown or that she won’t like her biological family or that they won’t live up to expectations/that she won’t live up to their expectations; fear of upsetting her adoptive family; or fear of rejection by her adoptive family, are all perfectly possible (or a mix of any of those factors).

It is not your right to decide if or when your mother should deal with “uncomfortable truths”- how very conceited of you to assume that you do. You might not like that other people may not deal with things as you choose to, or think is right- but that does not mean you get to dictate how other people manage their lives. You do not seem very “sensitive” to me. And yes, it is incredibly selfish to decide that your mum must “deal” with this/know more/have contact with her biological family because YOU are interested. You have no right to decide this on her behalf. You come across as a sanctimonious know-it-all with all the sensitivity of a dead fish.

By all means, find out this information for yourself, as it is clearly important to you. Though quite why it is imperative to understand why your grandparent was removed from the custody of your great-grandparents, I don’t know. I can understand the curiosity and wanting to know, but if your dad doesn’t want to talk about then that is his right too. As for your mother’s situation- if your mother has told you she does not want to know more, then you should respect her wishes, unless or until she says otherwise. Doing anything else is not just utterly selfish, it is cruel.

Few are saying you can’t research your family history or be in contact with your mother’s biological family, if that is what you wish. I don’t think you have to wait until your parents are dead to do that research either. But it IS selfish to demand your mother be involved if that is not what she wants.

I disagree with many of the posters here. It is your family history as well so I would urge you to continue your researches but leave your parents out of it. If you have discovered some "new" relatives perhaps they can help you in your endeavours and fill in some gaps.

I came from a family with a "secret" and like yourself I knew bits and pieces but not the whole truth. My grandmother told me the entire story when I was 18. However she made me promise not to speak of those matters to my own parents until after her death. I kept my promise and it was only many years later that I attempted to get them to address the truth. Now both my parents are dead. However learning about the "family secret" has helped me to understand many painful things about my own childhood, and conversely, about why I grew into the person I am.

This is interesting for you but your parents are not interested, on the contrary it upsets them, so do whatever research you choose but do not involve them. Don't ask anything or tell them what you have found out.

OP, your parents sound a lot like my DF -- which is why I agree with PPs who advise not to bring your parents into this. Just do your research and never mention it to them again.

It's incredibly frustrating, but that's how it is (or was) for that generation. My DF was so curmudgeonly with his family history and even his own life story. If asked he, like your father, would get angry and go off and sulk! In general society when I was growing up in the '70s and ''80s there was a huge list of things that were "not talked about" by my parents' generation: Menstruation, domestic violence, mental illness, "illegitimate" birth. Here in Australia, if you had indigenous ancestry but could pass as white, you kept it secret. Likewise if you had convict ancestry.

We're a much more open society now, which has been good in many ways. But it is still hard for the oldies who had a secretive style of polite behaviour drummed into them, even when they had nothing much to keep secret.

@jacks11

If you had bothered to read my latest post, you would see that I said I now regret contacting the biological relatives (to clarify, a cousin and half-brother - who surely have a right to know in any case?) and will not be pursuing it further with my mother, and probably not with the bio-relatives. As stated, things developed very quickly and in my enthusiasm I did not think things through.

As stated, I mentioned my discoveries to my mom (which I now regret doing), she said she isn't interested, and I then dropped the issue with her. I have not been browbeating and bullying her into it as you seem to imply, I am not forcing her hand or hectoring her to do something.

If you read what I wrote you would see that we actually agree - that I have a right to research my family and that my mom has a right to be left out of it. Ignoring the latter part of that was the mistake I made and which you are right to take offence at.

My feelings about the matter are just that - my feelings, based upon my own knowledge about my family. I am venting about them online as I cannot do it in real life. I cannot help how I feel about the situation. That is what people do online and on this site especially - say raw emotive things they wouldn't dream of saying in real life.

I agree you have a right to investigate your family history, but I think the attitude to your mother than you exhibit in your first post is unreasonable and indicates a complete lack of awareness for how painful many people find adoption. You say your mother mithers on about not wanting to upset people while, at your own admission, you went bowling in contacting relatives without considering the possible ramifications - this makes it sound like you are really a bit too immature to be pursuing this the way you have. You may have a right to investigate but in the absence of a pressing need to, for everyone else’s sake, you should perhaps put the brakes on for a few years until you can develop more compassion and better judgment.

I'm glad you are not exploring your mother's biological relatives further. I find it pretty outrageous that you blatantly disrespected her wishes and blamed her for them. If you gave them your mother's details, that was a pretty major breach of her privacy.

II now regret contacting the biological relatives (to clarify, a cousin and half-brother - who surely have a right to know in any case?)

No. They do not have a right to know. Why on earth would they? Do you have any understanding what adoption actually is and how it worked?

No one has any rights here except your mother (who had no rights at all when adopted). You sound very naive and very self-centered. Did it never occur to you that your mother had her own feelings about her adoption that were more important than your wish to know your ancestors?

But to answer your original post

Yes you are being unreasonable

Yes you are being selfish

You know your parents esp your mum are not the sort of people who are open etc about things they find sensitive.

And on top of that your mum was adopted which is massively personal and sensitive.

You saw she got the info about her bio parents. It was gathering dust. So you assured she wanted to find out more and went ahead? Gathering dust = not doing anything with them. Did you really think, knowing her that she was delving into her past?

You say that them brushing things under the carpet is something you have disliked since you were young.

You must have known that questions etc would not be welcome. So why are you asking? To upset them? To make a point that you don't like their behaviour?

You contacted some of your mum's birth family? What the hell? Does she know? Who did you contact? How?

That was bang out of order.

You could have gone about it quietly. For your own interest. Birth certs etc and all that.

I mean usually it's family tree isn't it? Why did you contact them what did you say you wanted?

I'm sorry but you are totally out of order.

My mum loved family history as a hobbie and she discovered as part of that that her dad had been married and had another family before marrying my gran. She had half siblings in the US she knew nothing about. This was something that neither of them had chosen to tell my mum and he was now dead and gran old and frail.

She decided that if her parents hadn't wanted her to know then she would not go around 'confronting' gran about it. She wasn't desperate to contact any of them anyway. I know she was very curious about it and would have loved to find out more but she chose to respect that they clearly hadn't wanted to talk about it ie to put gran's feelings over her own curiosity and I do admire her for that. In fact when gran died it turned out she had left a 'to be opened after my death' letter explaining it all. It was stuff that would not be considered a huge scandal these days. Basically they had an affair and he left his wife for her and she was ashamed of it.

Whatever your personal beliefs about the therapeutic value of confronting difficult truths it doesn't mean everyone has to agree. Some people are able to function better with psychological defences and it can be harmful to rip those down. By no means is it best for people to be confronted about things against their will in an uncontrolled way. Any decent therapist would tell you that.

I am glad you decided not to mention it to her again and in fact I think you should apologise for upsetting her. It is much more her story than yours and I would agree with her that you had no right to contact her relatives without her consent. Any rights you or anyone else have in the matter should be secondary to hers as she actually went through the experience.

I am very interested in family history so I understand your curiosity but you talk about your parents in such a dismissive way that you don’t come across very well. Researching and finding out nuggets of information is like a puzzle but it is not meant to hurt the family that are in your life now. For you it’s a project an interest but to your parents it’s their own lived experience that you seem to be intent on trampling all over in your effort to “get at the truth” show more respect for their feelings and carry on your research privately.

Have you ever thought that your mums personality will have been deeply shaped by her adoption

You say that she is always trying to please and doesn't like confrontation. That's a pretty common thing to see in adopted children. They have been rejected once and they try really really hard to conform and be good and not rock the boat because they fear that one wrong move and they get rejected and moved on again.
It's called hyper compliance and is a well recognised phenomenon.

Maybe have some empathy with her over that rather than criticising her personality.

As an adoptee, I find your breach of privacy appalling. You have no clue what it is like to be adopted. None.

You are be breathtakingly selfish and naive.

You don't get to decide how other people deal with their trauma or their stories. It is beyond arrogant to think that you know better than they. If you want to encourage your mother to go to therapy, alone or with you, because she seems unhappy, that's fine. If you want to go to therapy yourself, have at it. But adoption is a personal matter, and your feelings don't trump hers.

Not for the record that all adoptees feel trauma. But you don't get to decide how they feel, positively or negatively.

Depending on the age of your mum and where she lived, and of course the situation when she was Pg.

In plenty of countries including England, unmarried young women in large numbers were essentially forced, or forced full stop.. To give up their newborns.

There's other considerations too. Did her birth mum have a baby adopted for whatever reason and her family came later. And they don't know?

The circs around the birth mother may well be very sensitive. Depending on when, where. I mean in general women don't want to give up newborns and the reasons for doing so are pretty likely to be upsetting, sensitive, possibly it's a secret, I mean who knows. I mean could be anything. A really awful thing.

Did you consider all that before contacting the relatives of her birth mother?

From your posts I'm guessing the answer is no. Because if you had. Leaving it well alone. Or doing it though documents and by yourself and not mentioning it. Is what you would have done.

Did you think about that

@belfastlass

Well, I’m glad that you will back off from trying to involve your mother in your research into her biological family- but I do think you need to apologise (if you haven’t) as you really have overstepped the boundaries of what is reasonable and an apology is owed.

I think you also need to reframe how you think about this issue- you say are infuriated by your mother for not wanting to know more about her biological family, but as you have no right to be involved in what is a very personal decision I just cannot see the basis for being infuriated? That implies she has done something wrong- she hasn’t, she has just not done as you wish her to or as you think she should. She is not doing it to hurt you, I wouldn’t have thought. It does sound like you haven’t had an easy childhood, so maybe you have your reasons for sounding a bit contemptuous regarding your mother- but on this one, I don’t think it’s for you or anyone else to sit in judgement.

Likewise, your father is not obliged to talk about something that he finds difficult just because your curiosity is piqued.

And no, your mother’s cousin and a half-brother do not have an automatic right to know your mother’s details, as she had already decided that she did not want contact with them. You were, and are still, free to contact them on your own account but should not be passing on information to them about your mother.

Your parents obviously both have great difficulty in opening up and/or relaxing into their pasts. Given you obviously need to explore your history why don’t you write them a letter each explaining your feelings. Hand deliver them the letters (in their hands) and ask them to write back to you, hand delivering their letters to you. This may well give them the supportive distance to open up to you.
If it was my letter I would tell them clearly and explicitly that whatever happened in the past you will not judge or disparage your fore-parents’ lives, struggles or decisions. Your parents may well be worried that you’ll judge their families.
And always remember, “the past is a foreign country; they do things differently there”
Good luck x

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

Have you ever thought that your mums personality will have been deeply shaped by her adoption

You say that she is always trying to please and doesn't like confrontation. That's a pretty common thing to see in adopted children. They have been rejected once and they try really really hard to conform and be good and not rock the boat because they fear that one wrong move and they get rejected and moved on again.
It's called hyper compliance and is a well recognised phenomenon.

Maybe have some empathy with her over that rather than criticising her personality.

This. I have a similar messy history with all sorts of ugly abandonments and family violence mixed up in it.

The rule is, whomever is closest makes the rules. In our case that means my mum gets to lead an anything related to her mum and dad. I wanted to investigate 20 years ago and didn't because my mum wasn't ready. She wants to know a little more now (she raised it) so we have looked a little more.

Please have compassion. Curiosity doesn't trump trauma.

I have also researched my family history. I used an online site once I had entered my immediate family, I was then given other trees in common with mine. I found my dad’s cousin. Due to divorce my dad had not had a lot of contact with his fathers family, so it was lovely to reconnect with them, he also sent me the photos from an album belonging to my grandfather. Sadly my dad was very ill and later died so although I showed him what I had found, it didn’t really mean much to him.

All I have done is find out the names and dates of my ancestors, I haven’t been able to learn much at all about their lives. So it was a lovely way to spend some time but falls a bit flat when all you discover is ages, census forms but no real life story as such.

Tread carefully, just because you feel the need to know everything, doesn’t mean everyone else around you is the same. You might also be opening a can of worms