AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

[belfastlass]

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

Do the dna. You'll be linked with others having shared ancestors, and might be able to find out more that way. It's not unreasonable to want to know your history. You might have to leave your parents out of it, though, as they don't want to be involved.

I agree. Research your roots, but don't discuss it with your parents. Good luck.

I can see why your background (working in online investigations) may be making investigating your own family something you want to do, but you are approaching this in a deeply selfish way.

Their trauma trumps your curiosity, and your behaviour has been selfish. Even your later posts are deeply self centered, and full of negative opinions about your poor parents parenting (which may or may not be justified, but the fact that you are so comfortable labelling their parenting as 'poor' saddens me.

I think this may be a situation where your Asperger's plays a role. Perhaps it's time, at least for a few years, to find a new hobby.

My mum is adopted and I only found out once i was nearly adult. I was extremely curious, and asked my mum if she would like me to research it and sensitively discussed with her the implications of what we may find out, i.e. the grief she may feel say finding out she had missed out on knowing a biological sibling. I really don't think anyone should research someone else's adoption without their consent - it is not a kind thing to do, however curious you are. With mum it work out well and bought some lovely additional family into our lives, but easily could have been more painful.

I agree with a previous poster who suggested apologizing to them both for contacting her bio family members. I am/ helping an adoptee learn about their bio family. They are not pursuing it much now after two close bio family members were found and did not reply to their messages. But at least we traced and know their maternal line, and that side a couple of hundred years. No further ahead on who their bio father is, can't tell from the dna matches.

I think in your place I would continue to research, but I'd stop speaking to your parents about it, at this point. I wouldn't involve them in it at all. No sharing of personal information about your parents, no putting anyone you find in touch with them, etc.

They don't have to "cooperate", no matter what their reasons are, but you're right that it's your family history, too, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to know more about your roots. Out of respect for your parents' feelings, I'd not keep pushing the subject when it's obvious they don't like it. Just do it privately and discreetly.

.. my searching further it could even help bring us closer together as we have drifted apart in recent years.

I can see why.
What you did was appalling and yet you still don't seem to grasp that.

Unbelievably selfish, myopic, naive. You have a long way to go, and even then I don’t think you’ll find what you’re looking for.

And, your “doormat” of a mother has much more of a spine than you give her credit for.

I'm shocked you seem to blame your mum for not wanting you to find her birth family. Quite frankly, your feelings on this are irrelevant. This is her adoption, her past. You had no idea how she feels about being adopted and just bombarded her with information. And no, the people you found did not have a right to know.
Your fathers past may not be easy for him to talk about and that wouldn't change Just because you want to know.
Your feelings don't get to trump theirs in how they feel about their past.

Frankly this is is a philosophy to life I've grown to absolutely loath - ignore difficult issues, pretend they don't exist, cover for people's psychological maladaptations rather than challenge and improve them, people's feelings trump everything including the truth. It ruined my childhood and teenage years and is a major reason why my family is not very close today, and why I've decided not to have kids myself. This is the basic idea behind psychotherapy - bringing uncomfortable truths into the light for better mental health. Sensitively yes, but knowing that not dealing with an issue will cause far more damage in the long-run than the pain of confronting it in the short-term.

That is stuff you talk to a therapist about. It's not something to tackle by involving your parents in questions they don't want to get involved in.

There were effects on subsequent generations of children being removed from families (because of death of a parent, poverty, parent sent to prison, as well as abuse and neglect) and sent to orphanages, industrial schools and the like. The experience of removal and 'care' reshaped lives in ways that were often negative. The same goes for adoption, where the fact of adoption was considered a blot on the child's sense of self worth, a hidden shame, with adoptive parents considered to be charitable for taking in such babies or children.

Associated trauma from society's attitudes and from harsh treatment was visited on the affected children and on their children, and down the generations. You have seen this. You have lived this.

If you want to continue to research, then I would advise you to do it without involving your parents in it.

Another one who thinks you are being selfish. No-one has "rights" when it comes to information which has been kept from them - presumably for a reason. What you did to your mother is appalling, her feelings are far more important than your need to know your ancestry.

There is nothing to stop you doing research, but your parents have made it clear they don't want to be involved so leave them alone, and don't take it upon yourself to meddle where they've made it clear they don't want you to.

Finding out about adoptions / kids being taken into care, isn't really what family history is about. You seem to be more interested in digging up the dirt on your family.

People who are genuinely interested in their family history do not go trampling on their parent's feelings or wishes. You need to back off and examine why you feel so entitled to ignore your parents' feelings .

You sound like a domineering bully, how dare you do that to your mum. Adoption is such a personal thing. If your mum wants to find them she will.

Your dad who has probably been affected by the trauma of a parent being taken away (( and in those days there will have been major abuse and neglect for that to happen)) has every right to be pissed off with you both for trying to rake up his past and for what you're doing to his poor wife!

Honestly, I'm aghast that you think this is ok😳

If you want to research your history join a few geneology groups and leave the ones who don't want to be involved out of it.

I hope this is a wind up as I've never read anything so selfish and self centred in all my life.

Your poor Parents, You have serious boundary issues, infact I would go as far as saying your behaviour is damn right cruel towards them.

All the best op, I myself is adopted via my step dad, I've not a clue on who my biological farther is, I'm guessing he had his reasons for disappearing when I was conceived. I have thought about it at times that I could have a whole other family I don't know of, but at the same time it's where would I begin to research and even then how successful would I be vs time invested in the project, unfortunately my philosophy has to be, they will have to find me.

People who are obsessed with their family history seem so self-involved to me. They put so much time into finding things and act like it’s some kind of relevant historical research but mostly they are just digging up what is often highly personal and often painful information about dead people who aren’t there to stop them. Or they are desperate to find out that their grand-uncle’s half cousin’s mother had an illegitimate child by the earl of somesuch and then gleefully post it on Facebook.

One of my cousins found out by accident that our grandfather had an affair with another spouse in the family. I don’t know if my gran knew at the time but she would be absolutely humiliated to know that it’s the talk of the cousins. Just because someone is dead doesn’t mean they don’t deserve respect or privacy. Yeah I’d like to know generally where my heritage lies and any medical issues but beyond that I respect that the people who know the situation have told me what they feel comfortable sharing.

So yes OP I think YABU, selfish and careless with other people’s feelings

Your mum can now never approach her birth family on her own terms. You stole that from her because you felt nosey. She wasn’t given a choice about her adoption and you ripped away her choice about whether she wanted to revisit that trauma let alone in what way. She is now stuck with the narrative you have set and that is spectacularly shitty.
It’s also achingly obvious that you did this because you dislike your family and were looking for a better one. It’s like that childish wish that you were swapped at birth and your real family are royalty except most people grow out of it.

OP as an adoptee I have to agree with previous posts that you have overstepped the mark in relation to both of your parents personal history and you owe them a huge apology, although I guess forgiveness won't come easy for them due to the hurt they are suffering right now. I feel so sorry for both of your parents, specially your DM as I can relate more to her situation.

If anyone in my family went behind my back, trust me, feathers would fly!

Yes, you are curious but that doesn't give you the right to share your DM's personal information with other people, be they relations or not, it doesn't matter. This was a huge invasion of her privacy and I think you need to step back from this and find another 'interesting' hobby.

So to answer your own question...Am I being selfish? the answer is a huge YES from me!

Why is searching your family history so important? I won’t be able to find anything on mine as my parents come from a small island. No one was sure of both my grandmothers date of birth as there wasn’t any record so they just picked a day. This was very common. I’m not that bothered about researching my family history, these people are dead. It seems to me that you want to discover secrets rather than the actual history of your family. It’s as if you’re on the show “who do think you are?”

I can’t believe this. This is truly awful behaviour from you OP and you should be ashamed of your selfishness and thoughtlessness.

You do NOT have any right here. Your mothers biological family are nothing to do with you and they are not her family; her adoptive family are. Blood means nothing. Equally this cousin and other biological relative do NOT have a “right to know”.

You have behaved so awfully here yet keep defending it. You have no right. This is their life, their past, and they have a right to privacy.

Gosh OP! One of my parents is adopted and has always been clear that they didn’t want to know more. I am curious of course, but I understand that it isn’t my right to find out anything further when my parent doesn’t want us to and is alive. I think it’s incredibly inappropriate that you have found and made contact with your mum’s biological family. As others have said, your curiosity does not trump your mother’s trauma. It’s a huge violation.

You sound like an arrogant bully who just wants their views affirmed.
If you want to bully your own patents because you
" Didn't ask to be born" then continue on with your
"Research" .Your lack of empathy and contempt for their feelings is chilling

OP it sounds like you are really angry with your parents for other reasons, and you're using this research almost to punish them. I would respectfully suggest that you work through your anger with a therapist, as well as your frustration about not getting what you want from your parents now.

Just stop and have some respect. Wait until your parents are gone if you want to pursue their backgrounds for goodness sake. Even your DF, doesn’t matter if it was his grandparents, he will still likely be affected by inter-generational trauma. You seem to have absolutely no understanding of such things. It’s all about you and your scorn for your parents for ‘not facing things’. You lack such basic understanding. Just leave it for goodness sake and have the good grace to pick it up once they are gone if you must.

My family are a quagmire of secrets with the older generation. Some of us know some, put it all together I doubt any of us alive still know it all. My grandmothers background is taboo. My DM once asked and was told to ‘just leave it, never mention it, first and last warning’. My DM said she had never seen her mother look that way in her whole life so, it was never mentioned again. Even when my grandmother died my DM still had respect for her mother and left it well alone as will I. If my kids had tried turning over rocks while my DM was alive I would have been furious. If they ever want to in the future I don’t really care as enough people are now dead and time has gone by no one should be upset by it at this point but I wouldn’t actively encourage or support them, up to them but I’d hope they let sleeping dogs lie. I figure people should still have dignity in death in a way and there should be something to taking secrets to the grave so personally I wouldn’t do it. Anyway, still plenty of other secrets in my families older gen, siblings who were really parent/child etc. Can’t imagine what all of this would add to my kids lives though so I don’t imagine I’ll ever have cause to mention what I know before I go. These sorts of secrets don’t continue on in our generations as society is different, official records can’t be fiddled, social media etc.

You have issues with your parents and your upbringing which as others suggest would be better addressed in therapy. I don’t really get the connection you’re making between your upbringing and finding out details on your family’s history. Your mother doesn’t know details about her adoptive family so it’s not like anything there is going to shed light on her parenting skills etc.

[quote belfastlass]@jacks11

If you had bothered to read my latest post, you would see that I said I now regret contacting the biological relatives (to clarify, a cousin and half-brother - who surely have a right to know in any case?) and will not be pursuing it further with my mother, and probably not with the bio-relatives. As stated, things developed very quickly and in my enthusiasm I did not think things through.

As stated, I mentioned my discoveries to my mom (which I now regret doing), she said she isn't interested, and I then dropped the issue with her. I have not been browbeating and bullying her into it as you seem to imply, I am not forcing her hand or hectoring her to do something.

If you read what I wrote you would see that we actually agree - that I have a right to research my family and that my mom has a right to be left out of it. Ignoring the latter part of that was the mistake I made and which you are right to take offence at.

My feelings about the matter are just that - my feelings, based upon my own knowledge about my family. I am venting about them online as I cannot do it in real life. I cannot help how I feel about the situation. That is what people do online and on this site especially - say raw emotive things they wouldn't dream of saying in real life.[/quote]
Op has backed off out of consideration for her mother/parents, which she has explained above, therefore is not being selfish. She just wanted to talk about it on here as she cannot in real life.

I have some sympathy as I grew up knowing nothing about my family background and it was a taboo subject, especially with my mum who would put on a sour, plaintive face if it was ever raised. I did find out eventually which was a great relief and no harm was done.