AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

[belfastlass]

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

I think YABU in not considering or understanding that your mum doesn't want her background dug up.

This might be a fascinating history project for you. For your mum it's her life, her whole sense of belonging and family and identity. If she's chosen not to find it out for herself, it's because she doesn't want to confuse and complicate all that. Please leave her alone.

Genealogical information is available and out there for all to see.. If you want to research yours mothers family then do it but don't involve her with what you find, clearly she doesn't want to know for her own reasons.
My evil mother in law didn't want me to delve into her ancestral line, purely for the fact that she didn't want me to know. But dh wanted to know so I cracked on with it.
I think she thought that if she didn't tell me anything then I wouldn't find anything out.. oh contraire.....

I'm adopted and if someone looked up my birth parents without my permission I would be pissed off! I get you, it's nice to know background but that particular part is a no go area. It will be hard for your mum so that was pretty out of order of you. Try to enjoy your family as it is

Oh sorry, didn't realise this was old and have seen the update.

@belfastlass

There have been some very helpful responses on here, encouraging my personal researches whilst warning to be more mindful of the impact on my parents going forward. Others have said the same thing in more blunt and frank language, replete with insightful personal examples - so thanks to those respondents, you have helped put things in perspective. However a large bulk of the replies here have been nasty, vicious personal attacks, with some even being removed by moderators - ironically as they accuse me of being an vile insensitive b*tch who doesn't care about the feelings of others.

The posts I wrote were heavily simplified and written in the heat of the moment. Obviously I do not hate my parents or disrespect them. My feelings are far more nuanced then that. Recognition of some objective facts (e.g. some of their parenting skills were not great) is not the same as dismissing them as worthless or not worthy of respect. Mostly I am sad as I can see that they would have had far happier lives than the ones they've had had they not carried around these hang-ups all their life.
Funny how you think you can judge me based on a few hastily written paragraphs on the internet. If I told you told you the full story of all this maybe you'd be more understanding, but I'm not posting my life history on here for the harpies of Mumsnet to gossip over. If I come across as an egotistical, selfish b*tch, maybe think that it might be because I had to be as I had virtually 0 support growing up from anyone and have had to be 100% self-sufficient in everything? Or that I've been screwed over innumerable times by people I thought I could trust?

I must say it's no surprise to me that almost every year in this country brings a new revelation of some horrific widespread abuse in some home or school going back decades given some of the attitudes expressed here - keep schtum, don't rock the boat, defer to authority, keep things to yourself. Typical English attitude to everything. One of the reasons I'd never raise kids here.

My friend warned me against using this site as it was 'full of snooty judgemental know-it-alls'. Should have taken her advice and think I'll stick to Reddit. Bye.

We can only form opinions on the information you make available.

That information made you sound selfish and uncaring - your fault, not ours.

Enjoy Reddit. It's no less judgemental than Mumsnet.

I understand where you are coming from and why you did what you did.

I was in a similar position with my parents, everything was kept a secret and as a result I had no relatives (that I knew of) and no extended family. I longed to know more about who I was and where I came from. My parents were pretty shit so life was a very lonely existence.

I found out in my late twenties that I had 2 half siblings. And I felt utterly betrayed by my parents for lying to me my whole life. I caused me to question my entire existence.

Once my parents passed I found my birth certificate. This was the first time I had seen it. It turns out the man I have believed to be my father all these years isn't the man on my certificate. Thanks to my parents secrets, I'm now left with an empty hole in my chest. Sadly no relatives (none that are interested in knowing me) and so many unanswered questions that I deserve to know the answer to but never will. Nothing good ever comes from keeping secrets, only pain.

I have considered doing an ancestry DNA test but I'm now terrified of what it will unearth. I'm just glad my children will never feel the way I have, I will always be open and honest with them regardless of how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

why do you expect your parents to jump to your wishes?
Er cause that's their job as parents maybe. I've seen some comments but this one struck me as weird so I finally at page 12 decided to comment.

From the OP's posts, she is the way she is because of how she was raised by her parents. Whatever they did or didn't do has affected her to believe she is the protagost (I liked that comment too) in this story. Since, you know her life is her story.

I'm the superstar in my life (until my kids need me to jump to their wishes and even, then I see it as how they're wishes affect my life).

Are none of you worried about incest or healthcare issues (old adoptions did't really take that kind of stuff into account). Quite gross really. I know I've got myself caught out because of family secrets, so I support OP finding the truth

OP you do you.

[quote A2M4]@belfastlass. I'm adopted and personally feel that you should mind your own business. You cannot even begin to imagine your mum's feelings or emotions. Everyone who has been adopted has been on their own journey. It isn't about you and it has nothing to do with you.[/quote]
That's just it though, when an adoptee decides to have children (in fact when anyone decides to have children), their past is more likely to dictate how they parent. Being secretive about this, will also have a knock on affect to the next generation. the OP clearly feels lost as she doesn't feel connected to her parents, because (i'm guessing) of their obfuscation throughout the OP's life.

It's not simple. And when you bring life into this world it is no longer all about you.

The last 2 posts are absolute nonsense.

The OP is an entitled spoilt brat

How the hell have we got onto incest?

OP you do you.

At the expense of her mother? Why are OP's choices more important?

@PinkSparklyPussyCat

How the hell have we got onto incest?

OP you do you.

At the expense of her mother? Why are OP's choices more important?

Because sh*t happens. And you all can pretend that it doesn’t but I’ve seen what secrets do.

Her mother has done herself all that time. Maybe it’s OP’s time to get the answers she needs so she is not so angry.

@wewereliars

The last 2 posts are absolute nonsense.

The OP is an entitled spoilt brat

In your humble opinion.

Her mother has done herself all that time. Maybe it’s OP’s time to get the answers she needs so she is not so angry.

She has absolutely no right to involve her mother though. If someone started digging around in my past without my consent and then told me about I would no longer be in contact with them. God help them if 'new' family members tried to make contact!

Despite what she seems to think OP is not more important then her mother.

Fultymain5 no not humble at all.

I am adopted and a parent to an adult child and what you have said is offensive drivel.

Apart from anything else, becoming a parent does not mean giving up all rights to privacy.

@PinkSparklyPussyCat

Her mother has done herself all that time. Maybe it’s OP’s time to get the answers she needs so she is not so angry.

She has absolutely no right to involve her mother though. If someone started digging around in my past without my consent and then told me about I would no longer be in contact with them. God help them if 'new' family members tried to make contact!

Despite what she seems to think OP is not more important then her mother.

And she has literally owned that before she jumped ship on this thread.

Wow. I'm with the 89%
YABVVVVVU and egotistical and selfish.
I've not read all 365 messages, but I have read all your posts OP, and can't believe you would contact the relatives of someone who has chosen not to, and made it quite clear they do not want to. That is shocking behaviour and shows total lack of understanding of your parents situations, and total lack of compassion for their feelings.
How incredibly selfish you behaviour has been.
(As the ovewhelming majority have said)

@wewereliars

Fultymain5 no not humble at all.

I am adopted and a parent to an adult child and what you have said is offensive drivel.

Apart from anything else, becoming a parent does not mean giving up all rights to privacy.

It's up to you if you take offense. I can only speak from what I have witnessed. Not hypothesized, actually witnessed and experienced. So you can take the time to be offended or you can thank the heavens (or whatever you believe in, that it wasn't your experience). That it worked out for you.

Your privacy over something that actually affects or potentially could affect your child. But OP is the only selfish one in this scenario.

For the record my point isn't actually about adoption it's about secrets. Secrets the majority on this thread think if they're theirs should remain theirs.

Look when we answer these queries we all bring our own baggage/life experiences. Mine are different to yours as yours are different to mine. And that's okay, but let's not pretend that we're being objective when answering these points, mostly it's projecting.

Faultymain I Amnot interested in what you have to say. You sound about 12.

@wewereliars

Faultymain I Amnot interested in what you have to say. You sound about 12.

If I dont' want to hear from someone I just don't talk to someone. Maybe Iam in fact 12 who knows.

So this is what I'll do. I disagree with you. The world is more nuanced than my sole experience. That's okay that we don't agree.

Yes stick to Reddit as I don’t think this is the site for you OP! You need to go away and think about the consequences of your actions.

Wow looks like OP has done a runner but they do sound like the least empathetic person I've seen on here. They can't seem to see how cruel they've been ..
I'd be so upset if I was their mother. I am nc with my family and don't wish to talk about it. I am happy for my dc to explore that side of the family if they so wish but I'd be incredibly hurt if they went about it in the selfish manner this OP did.

The op did say she was not going to delve or ask her mother any more, she accepted that was insensitive.

When her mum is no longer alive, she can search then if she still wants to.

As a user of the Reddit Adoption board - I DARE you to post there. Mumsnet will have been mild by comparison