AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

[belfastlass]

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

As a young adult, I spent years badgering my mum about researching our family history on her side (my dad died when I was little) and she was extremely reluctant to do so, would change the subject, refused to contact someone in our town with her mother's maiden surname (extremely unusual and I guessed we must be related), and I got nowhere with persuading her.

It was only after her death that I found out why. She was the eldest child and was born 5 months after her parents' wedding. She obviously didn't want me to find that out! I also found out that my mum had not told me everything about her siblings. I thought she had one; turned out there were three, two of whom died in early childhood within a couple of weeks of each other. Why she kept that from me all her life I don't know.

@621CustardCream438

Bluntly, yes you’re being selfish. Your mother’s feelings on her adoption trump yours. I’m staggered you thought your behaviour was appropriate. It’s absolutely not your place to research her biological family and contact them, unless she actually asks you to.

Research whatever you want from public records etc but leave your parents out of it.

This.

There have been some very helpful responses on here, encouraging my personal researches whilst warning to be more mindful of the impact on my parents going forward. Others have said the same thing in more blunt and frank language, replete with insightful personal examples - so thanks to those respondents, you have helped put things in perspective.
However a large bulk of the replies here have been nasty, vicious personal attacks, with some even being removed by moderators - ironically as they accuse me of being an vile insensitive b*tch who doesn't care about the feelings of others.

The posts I wrote were heavily simplified and written in the heat of the moment. Obviously I do not hate my parents or disrespect them. My feelings are far more nuanced then that. Recognition of some objective facts (e.g. some of their parenting skills were not great) is not the same as dismissing them as worthless or not worthy of respect. Mostly I am sad as I can see that they would have had far happier lives than the ones they've had had they not carried around these hang-ups all their life.
Funny how you think you can judge me based on a few hastily written paragraphs on the internet. If I told you told you the full story of all this maybe you'd be more understanding, but I'm not posting my life history on here for the harpies of Mumsnet to gossip over. If I come across as an egotistical, selfish b*tch, maybe think that it might be because I had to be as I had virtually 0 support growing up from anyone and have had to be 100% self-sufficient in everything? Or that I've been screwed over innumerable times by people I thought I could trust?

I must say it's no surprise to me that almost every year in this country brings a new revelation of some horrific widespread abuse in some home or school going back decades given some of the attitudes expressed here - keep schtum, don't rock the boat, defer to authority, keep things to yourself. Typical English attitude to everything. One of the reasons I'd never raise kids here.

My friend warned me against using this site as it was 'full of snooty judgemental know-it-alls'. Should have taken her advice and think I'll stick to Reddit. Bye.

@belfastlass

There have been some very helpful responses on here, encouraging my personal researches whilst warning to be more mindful of the impact on my parents going forward. Others have said the same thing in more blunt and frank language, replete with insightful personal examples - so thanks to those respondents, you have helped put things in perspective. However a large bulk of the replies here have been nasty, vicious personal attacks, with some even being removed by moderators - ironically as they accuse me of being an vile insensitive b*tch who doesn't care about the feelings of others.

The posts I wrote were heavily simplified and written in the heat of the moment. Obviously I do not hate my parents or disrespect them. My feelings are far more nuanced then that. Recognition of some objective facts (e.g. some of their parenting skills were not great) is not the same as dismissing them as worthless or not worthy of respect. Mostly I am sad as I can see that they would have had far happier lives than the ones they've had had they not carried around these hang-ups all their life.
Funny how you think you can judge me based on a few hastily written paragraphs on the internet. If I told you told you the full story of all this maybe you'd be more understanding, but I'm not posting my life history on here for the harpies of Mumsnet to gossip over. If I come across as an egotistical, selfish b*tch, maybe think that it might be because I had to be as I had virtually 0 support growing up from anyone and have had to be 100% self-sufficient in everything? Or that I've been screwed over innumerable times by people I thought I could trust?

I must say it's no surprise to me that almost every year in this country brings a new revelation of some horrific widespread abuse in some home or school going back decades given some of the attitudes expressed here - keep schtum, don't rock the boat, defer to authority, keep things to yourself. Typical English attitude to everything. One of the reasons I'd never raise kids here.

My friend warned me against using this site as it was 'full of snooty judgemental know-it-alls'. Should have taken her advice and think I'll stick to Reddit. Bye.

🤣

Gosh. You're really rude.

You have no high ground here.

Quite a spectacular follow-up tbh.

"How dare you all judge me based on the information I gave you, you DEFINITELY wouldn't judge me if I told you the WHOLE story. But I'm not going to because you all judged me based on the information I gave you 😤"

Somehow I think the "full" story wouldn't change many opinions, OP, judging by your sparkling demeanour and ability to self-reflect...

Riiight, so the posters telling you to crack on are great and everyone else is a judgemental bitch?
Well I guess you'd know one if anyone did....

😂😂😂😂 and off she flounced

I totally agree with you OP and good for you for standing up for yourself. You’re absolutely right, the ‘sweep it under the carpet’ attitude is deeply ingrained and leads to some incredibly serious things being dismissed, like, as you said, abuse. You conceded earlier in the thread that you were going to continue your research privately which I agree is the best idea, in light of both adoption rights and your mother’s general attitude, but it’s honestly baffling to me that so many people think parents deserve unconditional respect and courtesy when they may not have shown that to their own children due to unresolved issues. I have a similar parent. I completely understand where you’re coming from and why you’re the way you are.

If I come across as an egotistical, selfish btch, maybe think that it might be because I had to be as I had virtually 0 support growing up from anyone and have had to be 100% self-sufficient in everything?*

My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

Get to fuck,

Your Dad texts you every day to check up on you but you have had zero support all your life?

My Dad is dead but my Mother texts me mhm....NEVER, I text or call her maybe every 8/10 weeks.

Ive never heard so much self pitying bullshit in all my life. If You are that hard done by you should go no contact with your parents and let them lead the peaceful life they want without your interfering 'this is all about meeee attitude.

Enjoy reddit btw I'm pretty sure you are or will be being discussed on there too!

@ZeroFuchsGiven

If I come across as an egotistical, selfish btch, maybe think that it might be because I had to be as I had virtually 0 support growing up from anyone and have had to be 100% self-sufficient in everything?*

My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

Get to fuck,

Your Dad texts you every day to check up on you but you have had zero support all your life?

My Dad is dead but my Mother texts me mhm....NEVER, I text or call her maybe every 8/10 weeks.

Ive never heard so much self pitying bullshit in all my life. If You are that hard done by you should go no contact with your parents and let them lead the peaceful life they want without your interfering 'this is all about meeee attitude.

Enjoy reddit btw I'm pretty sure you are or will be being discussed on there too!

It’s great that you know more about OP’s upbringing and how her parents have shaped her life than she does!

My parents also ring me every day to check up on me, have driven my belongings around whenever I moved house, tell me how proud of me they are and babysit my dog but guess what, my dad also pinned me against a wall by my neck as a child and emotionally abused my mum and I my entire childhood. You have no idea what her family dynamics were like or that her parents were such beacons of virtue. I’d love to be low contact with my parents but if I don’t call them they call me. Good for OP for having enough self respect to put her own needs first when it sounds like they’ve repeatedly been denied by her parents.

I hear you Belfastlass and yes, good for you for standing up for yourself!

@SaddenedByItAll

I am an adoptee. I am also horrified about PP saying that this is ok and "good for you" etc

I was told by my Mum from as early as I can remember that I was adopted, we were a very open family. She also assured me that should I ever choose to find out about my biological family she would support me the whole way.
She is my Mum, and her husband is my Dad, that is the end of it.

But there are 2 very defined sets of rights in an adoption, first and foremost the rights of the child and then secondly, the rights of the parents that gave up the child for adoption.
I don't know if the rules changed at all over the years, but it used to be that for contact to be made the biological parents and the adoptee both had to approach the adoption register and record that they were happy to make contact.
I guess that DNA testing has ridden roughshod over these rights, hopefully inadvertently!
I have never, nor do I ever envisage making contact, I have my Mum and Dad that love me dearly, and I love them equally.
I would be mortified if somebody took it upon themselves to take away my right and make contact on my behalf.

Perhaps the OP's Mum has rejection anxiety, being put up for adoption once can be harrowing enough, maybe she couldn't face the chance for a second rejection?

What about the biological parents? They will have had to overcome the feeling they were left with when handing over the child, perhaps they have made peace with that and are living their best life, making contact unofficially could rip that wound right open, what if they have gone on to have family since, but not told anyone?

What if neither wanted contact?

Adoption is a very personal thing to two sets of people, and only those two sets of people, nobody except for those two sets of people can fathom what they are thinking and how they feel, even two adoptees will not have the same thinking or emotions about it.

My own view is that I am lucky, I was adopted into a loving family, and I have been fortunate enough to extend that family.
Why would I do anything at all to jeopardise that?
I am not at all into "what ifs" or any "whataboutery", so have no desire to see what may have become of me had the sliding door gone the other way.

I would be surprised if there was a single adoptee in this thread that agreed with the OP's actions, and surely that should tell you all you need to know.

What's done is done and cannot be changed, but please OP, find the strength to apologise to your Mum and set about working on your relationship.

This times a million. This is why OP is so outrageous. Adoption is tricky and an "interest in history" and "wanting to bring things into the light" and "not asking to be born" and whatever other nonsense is absolutely no excuse for digging into someone's adoptive history without permission (and even worse when you know it's unwanted). For the sake of historical research, the adoptive parents are the only ones OP should consider researching. Anything else is outrageous.

Well I’m in the minority and on your side re the family history stuff but your last post is pretty shocking re the stereotyping of the English. Imagine if anyone repeated anti-Irish tropes of yesteryear!

Researching family history can be interesting and many people are curious about their roots but you have really gone too far in contacting members of your mother's birth family without her knowledge.
Your initial post does show a lack of respect and understanding to your parents. You call your Mum a doormat and people pleaser without any thought as to what may underlie that.
It is very poor psychotherapy to bring uncomfortable truths into the light against people's wishes and without giving them any tools for handling the resulting emotions.
You speak of "poor Parenting" without giving any indication of what that means (which has caused a few posters to assume your parents were abusive in some way).
I find your initial post to have elements of "psychobabble". Perhaps it would help if you, yourself talked to someone and learned to see your parents as real people with their own feelings and coping strategies.

As an adopted person if my kids did this to me I would never speak to them again. Horribly selfish.

Un-mumsnetty hugs to my fellow adoptees too. Some opinions on this thread are fucking bonkers. Why should someone else in my family think they have the right to investigate something to private and personal to me?

I must say it's no surprise to me that almost every year in this country brings a new revelation of some horrific widespread abuse in some home or school going back decades given some of the attitudes expressed here - keep schtum, don't rock the boat, defer to authority, keep things to yourself. Typical English attitude to everything. One of the reasons I'd never raise kids here

Who on here is advocating for keeping abuse quiet? There’s a big difference between respecting people’s wishes on their own personal childhood and institutional abuse.

The topic has been on adoption but even in the case of uncovering that your parent was a victim of abuse you have to respect the victim’s wishes even if you disagree.

Skatastic As another adoptee I totally agree!

OP...Also, there are so-called secrets and problems in every family but we should remember that times were so different in previous generations and while later generations think 'things were swept under the carpet' that was how they survived during those tough times.

I also research family history and some of the things that have happened to some parents have brought me to tears...such as one family consisting of both parents and 6 children, then 4 of those children died within 5 days of each other. The eldest to die was 8 yrs old and the youngest just 1 year old and the parents had to pick up the pieces and continue their lives for their remaining 2 children. Not sure how I could cope in that situation...and I know this family is not alone, this kind of tragedy happened quite often. They had no choice but to 'sweep it under the carpet' for their own sanity.

@Skatastic

Un-mumsnetty hugs to my fellow adoptees too. Some opinions on this thread are fucking bonkers. Why should someone else in my family think they have the right to investigate something to private and personal to me?

completely agree. (another adoptee here)

OP You say your parents would have had a happier life had they not “carried around these hang-ups” for the rest of their lives.

These are not “hang-ups”. They are life experiences which happened but which they do NOT want to re-live in order to satisfy your “rights”.

BTW how are you going to ensure that you are not now creating your own “hang-ups”?

Everyone is entitled to keep things private. I do, I reveal so much but not everything. When I am dead it won't matter to me what comes out. Not that there is much but I have a couple of details that I keep to myself. I think I'd have more hang ups if I let it all out, frankly.

Belfastlass unless you are 15 you really need to grow up.

Just read her update. Now raising my handbag and saying “ooooh!” in the style of Vic Reeves. Oh well. Love to all my fellow mumsnet harpies!