AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

[belfastlass]

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

Actually feel quite sorry for your mum. May have taken her years to accept the adoption news. Yes, you’re interested in it but in this situation, her wishes are greater than your need to research your family tree. Can you not see that?

I think of looking at family history as going back in generations so see where they lived, what they did for a living going back in time not just researching DPs, that's something different.

I have changed my name for this. OP I understand your interest and feelings for finding out your family history but please don't involve your parents. I am shaky at even writing this as only my husband knows details of my childhood and thinking of it brings up memories which I do not want to re-live. I have put this past behind me and have a happy normal life so please leave your family out of it.
Incidentally I have 2 adopted children and so far they don't want to seek out their birth parents although I have offered my help if they change their minds. It is for them to decide - not anyone else.

No-one should be coerced into meeting long-lost relatives. I am sorry, but I think what you are doing to your mum is very cruel.

I love history, and family history, too, but I actually think you're being massively selfish and unreasonable. These are painful issues that you're asking your parents to dig up when they're clearly not happy too. It's quite cruel actually. An adoption and children removed from family custody? Could you get more sensitive??! I'm not at all surprised that they don't want to confront painful and upsetting details from the past just to settle your curiousity. I was really expecting to read this and say 'YANBU' but after reading your OP, I really think you are being horribly unreasonable.

Also think it's a bit odd when posters directly ask "Am I being selfish?" and then argue with every poster who says "Yes"

I didn't ask to be born.

Wow, how petulant!

It's really not on to be researching your own parents lives if they do not want to know. One of my parents doesn't know anything at all about one of their biological parents and I've respected that wish even though to me personally it would be interesting. Respect those close to you.

Another thing here is you have no idea at all what kind of problems you have caused for the actual mother who placed your dm up for adoption, there could be a million reasons why she done this. You have said her family didn't know and now you have jumped in there and possibly caused a massive shitshow In another family just because you feel its your right. Reading this has made me so fucking mad on behalf if everyone you have dragged into this.

How your mother’s family feel about you contacting them and then stopping contact

People are projecting a lot about what they think OP's mum felt.

The little OP has said is that her mother's reluctance is purely out of not wanting to upset OP's grandmother. Not the wide variety of other things that some posters imagine the lady felt about it. It is just as plausible that the lady just isn't bothered. My husband views family history as "A bunch of people he never met" so why would he care about them.

I find OP's dad's story very interesting because there is obviously a family trauma there that is part of his heritage & probably emotional background. I would also very much want to understand what happened. There's a big story with my grandmother's aunt being in a terrible accident & left by her husband, these events shaped a lot of the relations on that side of the family -- why my grandmother lost contact.

Bottom line for OP is they aren't interested & you can't expect to make them be interested, but you're not U to want to understand the pictures of what happened. I hope you can make good progress getting info in other ways.

You ask if you’re being selfish and say you regret the way you’ve gone about things, but you still describe yourself as ‘infuriated’ by your parents and you certainly seem infuriated by posters confirming that you are being selfish. Maybe your father is ‘sulking’/legitimately upset because you’re defending pretty unpleasant behaviour.

Also, of course it’s not your history ‘as much as theirs’. It’s their actual lives and all their formative experiences. Family research on relatives you don’t know is just curiosity, a hobby.

Good for you OP!

Bottom line for OP is they aren't interested & you can't expect to make them be interested, but you're not U to want to understand the pictures of what happened. I hope you can make good progress getting info in other ways.

Yes I agree.

"I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives."

I'm interested in this. What documents and where? I didn't realise it was possible for someone else to track down an adoptees birth family.

And I loathe the way you talk about your parents. When faced with conflict, your mum is 'a doormat' and your dad hides away. I think you have benefitted from these character traits actually because I'd have gone fucking mad with you by now.

You're way overstepping your parents' boundaries and upsetting them so you can do a hobby. It's a really discomfiting attitude to take.

Yabu op, so selfish and you come across as so arrogant

Your mum doesnt want to know so leave it alone.

Out of curiosity, for those interested in family tree. Say someone, like the ops mother is adopted, if they were interested is history and family tree wouldn't they be more interested in their adoptive parents history? Surely for a lot of adoptees that's their true family and they'd be interested in finding out more about the people they know? Sorry if that's a totally ignorant comment it just crossed my mind while reading. Imo blood doesnt really make a family

OP how old are you? You sound like an enormous brat and I feel very sorry for your mother.

I do agree that sweeping difficult issues under the carpet is not a good way to approach life and causes more problems (for everyone) in the long term - but it’s human nature. For whatever reason your parents don’t want to discuss these matters, and despite it being frustrating, you do need to respect that.

I have never bothered looking much into my family history because it’s an open (but never discussed in detail) secret that my on-paper paternal great grandfather isn’t the biological parent of my gran. I don’t want to rattle that cage because it upsets people.

I think there’s a line between family history (researching long gone ancestors) and interfering in the lives of the living. You have overstepped that line IMO and yes, been selfish.

Your mother’s adoptive parents are in her eyes (as well as the eyes of the law) her parents. Could you do some family history research on their ancestors instead?

I’m not surprised you and your mother aren’t close. Adoption is something incredibly personal. If she wanted to research it further she would but has chosen not to. She got some documents herself and did nothing. Doesn’t that tell you anything?!
You clearly have no respect for her not only in doing what you’ve done but also call her things like a “doormat” with a tone of nastiness. How could it possibly have brought you closer together?! You are selfish. You’ve pursued this not thinking for a second how she might feel about it. It’s her business way before it’s yours. You should apologise

Your personal project is two other people’s lives. It’s almost like you don’t see your parents as real people. It looks like you can’t make a connection you want with them directly so are looking for meaning outside of them via their history. Even if you find the ‘reasons’ why they are like they are, are you in a place to have an empathetic conversation with them? Or is this about finding the missing pieces for you and your siblings to understanding that it wasn’t your fault why they treated you they way they did? Take the effort & energy from this project and focus on yourself in therapy. It’s a tough place to be trying to find answers to a question you didn’t know you were asking.

@Nancydrawn

You are be breathtakingly selfish and naive.

You don't get to decide how other people deal with their trauma or their stories. It is beyond arrogant to think that you know better than they. If you want to encourage your mother to go to therapy, alone or with you, because she seems unhappy, that's fine. If you want to go to therapy yourself, have at it. But adoption is a personal matter, and your feelings don't trump hers.

This.

You say that your dad's grandparents aren't close enough for him to be bothered by it then why are you looking into your mum's parents.

You're well out of order with your attitude.

I am in a similar position but from the other side. My DS (11) is very keen on researching our family history and we’ve said he can do so on his dad’s side but we’ve told him that we are uncomfortable with him doing it on my side or doing a ancestry DNA test which is publicly available. I don’t have any contact with my family because I was removed from their care, placed on the Child Protection Register and spent time in foster care. My parents are a risk to children and I have refused to have contact with them due to abuse (not that they’ve tried in 25 years). I’ve told my DS that I’d be very upset if they researched or contacted my family. Yes, it’s his family history but it’s my lived experience and trauma and that should take priority. I’m fine with him doing a DNA to find out what percentage of things he is but I don’t want it to be public because he’s 11 and has ASD and my family are toxic.

Your attitude towards your mother is incredibly insensitive.