AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

[belfastlass]

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

Are you being selfish? Yes, this is one of the most selfish things I've ever heard. They have the right not to talk about their past if they don't want to and the arrogance of riding roughshod over your mother shows that you're just as bad as the rest of them. Maybe you're shocked to find she's got an opinion on this after years of the family showing her no respect at all.

My husband is adopted and doesn't want to go searching either. There are also complex emotions behind this which I think as his wife of 20 years I'll never really understand. our children see it as abit of an intriguing story but understand it's his story and It's entirely his decision which we all respect.

I'd be utterly utterly appalled if one of our children searched against these wishes. And then started introducing new relatives wtf. It's an enormous disregard for someones decision, emotions and privacy - Shame on you.

You think your mum doesn't think about this every day? That it hasn't shaped and turned every second of her life? That her not wanting to hurt her adoptive parents is 'not making a fuss' - I actually can't believe I've read this.

I'm just surprised your dad has stopped texting - I'd be reading you the riot act.

It honestly sounds as if you are using this exercise as a very cruel way to punish your parents for not being the people you want them to be.

Is it really worth causing pain and possibly destroying the family you have right now in real life just to find some names on paper and a few distant relatives who probably couldn't care less? What are you truly hoping to achieve here?

Keep searching OP, whatever your parents' feelings are, you don't have to inform them if they don't want to know
But you have every right to know your own history.

My aunt researched as far as finding out that my great grandfather was also my great, great grandfather, Hence the fact that my grandmother was born in the workhouse.
Some family secrets are best left in the past.

To you this is family gossip. It’s exciting and entertaining.
To your parents it’s painful experiences and memories.
You’re being selfish.

Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

Your attitude fucking stinks. You have literally no idea what you might uncover so for you to blithely write it off as your parents psychological hang ups... Well they must be so proud to have raised someone so empathetic and respectful.

"I should clarify"

Why? Because you didn't get the answers you liked?

You have crossed boundaries here and are very unreasonable. I cannot believe you contacted your mum's birth family :o

*😯

It's THEIR family history, not yours. You're way over the line here. Presumably your mum has upsetting parts of her past and if she wants to keep things like that, without discussing them, that's up to her. Totally none of your business. Your poor mum.

I get why it's frustrating for you, but you need to wind your neck in and be a bit more considerate to your mum and why she's a people-pleaser.

You are coming across overbearing and insensitive. Respect your parents wishes.

As am adoptee myself (yes I also have recently requested my birth cert) but I have NO interest in contacting any of my bio family - I have found them online and that was enough to satisfy my curiosity. I have no idea if my birth morther has told anyone in her family about me, so the thought of contacting ANY of her family would never cross my mind as it could literally ruin her life. IF I wanted contact or more details than I have then I would go down the proper channels which includes having to have meeting with a professional to access my own file. That way my birth mother would have some warning that I was looking for more and she could decide if she wanted contact etc. and if she needed to tell her own family about me.

The fact that you've found her cousins is horrendous to me - her own close family may not have known and yet now her cousins know! You could have caused so much damage.

Also someone commented about it not being your family. This is exactly how I feel. I have a family tree that by lovely brother passed to me when my parents passed away (not bio parent but my parents) Now I don't feel like it is my family tree really but I certainly don't feel like my bio family would be either. As far as I'm concerned by family started with my parents then onwards not backwards.

I have a DD who has asked but I have told her straight that I have no interest in contacting bio family and that as far as Im concerned my parents were her grandparents and not my bio parents.

If she decides she wants to investigate more I would certainly hope she came to me beforehand and made sure that it would't stir up problems for my bio family - and yes perhaps to wait until bio mother had passed away.

It's THEIR family history, not yours

err I think you'll find that isn't quite correct...

its sensitive for ops parents but its still all their family history by way of genealogy

@belfastlass

As stated, this was a personal project. My mother ordered her adoption records a few years ago as stated - I naively thought she would want to carry on the search and that by my searching further it could even help bring us closer together as we have drifted apart in recent years. Things developed far more quickly than I anticipated and I probably did not not think things through properly, and I can now see that I was wrong to involve her in my search without explicit permission and I regret informing her about what I found - so yes, mea culpa. As stated, I will carry on the search but not involve them in any way unless they ask, which is what I should have done from the start. I accept that.

However, that is the one overstep I have made. I have not mentioned anything else to them, I have not harangued them for documents or information, I have pushed them to talk about things they don't wish to. My father's issues I've never mentioned once to him, my information there comes from a discussion I overheard once between two uncles. My research has been completely with open-source materials, facebook etc. Honestly that's quite depressing if you ask me that I have to skulk about like some private eye rather than have an honest conversation about things with them but so be it.

Apologies if I come across to harsh or uncaring. Reading back it sounds like I am screaming at them for information they don't want to give, which is not the case. Obviously I am sensitive to their feelings. It's an emotive topic, and it probably links in too closely with wider issues e.g. what I'd call their poor parenting skills, and the effect this has had on and my siblings, for me to be objective about it. Which is why I accept that I should have kept this as a personal project. That said, I also reiterate my right to know about my own background.

Snooping, eavesdropping, stumbling across other people’s private documents… it all escalated quickly… no you escalated it. You have broken the trust of so many people in your selfish quest. You should be ashamed of yourself.

@belfastlass your parents had troubled upbringings. This may be just a fun story to you, but you’re unearthing your parents’ childhood traumas. Your nosiness is causing unnecessary distress. Just stop it!

This is the most disgusting thread I’ve come across in my many years of mumsnet.

My Grandma waited until her Dad was dead before doing any research on his background because he was so fucking traumatised by it and couldn’t talk about it. In fact she didn’t research it until a few years ago, with my help. And what we found was beyond devastating and frankly I’m surprised her Dad functioned as well as he did.

You are GROSS. HTH.

Op isn’t just searching @Hadalifeonce she’s full on making contact with people which is disgustingly out of order.

I've read the full thread, and I still just can't get over the lack of self-awareness in the sentiment that it annoys OP that her mum is a pushover and a doormat, but at the same time OP is upset that her mum is resisting OP's attempt to trample all over her life shaping experiences in the interest of some misguided idea she has a "right" to indulge her interest

@gobbynorthernbird

You searched out an adoptee's biological family without their knowledge or permission? Totally out of order.

Agree.

@EmeraldRaine

Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

Your attitude fucking stinks. You have literally no idea what you might uncover so for you to blithely write it off as your parents psychological hang ups... Well they must be so proud to have raised someone so empathetic and respectful.

Another to say how selfish and immature you are OP. RE why the quote above, this is all about your psychological hangups then isn't it, especially given your disregard for your parents and your frankly petulant 'I didn't ask to be born'.

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

Fair enough to do your research but don't involve your living relatives without their active consent.

^^this

Haven't RTFT.

While I agree that you should have left your DM's adoption well alone - as you now recognise - I think you are getting a bit of a hard time. There were secrets and lies in one side of my family and while I didn't sit there thinking consciously, 'something's off', I was aware that the bits didn't fit together, which deeply unsettled me.

I don't think some posters who are haranguing you have any idea of the level of psychological disquiet that family secrets can cause later generations. I have found out what I needed to (though the relevant people are now dead, and were by the time I got to the truth), and I have told my children, because I think that for their own sense of self they it's better that they know.

But OP, please proceed with caution, and with more respect for your parents than you have hitherto shown.

@Stompythedinosaur

I think I'd feel the same as you op. Your family history belongs to you as much as to them. I don't think they have the right to keep it from you.

Totally disagree, they have the right to decide if they don't want to know about their ancestors.

Why does OPs desire trump theirs?

I understand your curiosity. However you risk upsetting your immediate family here.your new relatives seem exciting.,but you risk opening a whole can of worms here.if you want to keep searching then carry on .you will have to leave your parents out of it though.one thing to remember is that adoptions can be very messy and your dm is obv worried about going further with her own search .

Stop trying to force things on people who have clearly expressed they do not want to be involved.
My ddad had an awful childhood. He never wanted to discuss it. That was his perogative. We have done some research since his death but respected his wishes during his life time.
Ditto my grandmother. She was born out of wedlock which was shameful to her.