AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

[belfastlass]

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

@belfastlass

I should clarify: . the possible custody issue was with my father's grandparents, not his own parents, so traumatic yes but not directly affecting him . My mother's adoption records she ordered herself a few years ago. I'm not sure why she ordered them and then just let then just let them gather dust. . I have been conducting this as a personal project. I only informed my parents as I thought they might wish to know some of the things I found out, however as they seemingly don't then I will carry on my research but just not inform them.

Also, I can see the point of people here calling me selfish. However by this logic, to research this further I will have to wait until my parents are dead, by which time any possible relatives will likely also be dead even if I can find them by that point, and I will be very old myself.

As stated, this is my family story too, and yes I do have a 'right' to know. I didn't ask to be born, and not into a family with such a messy background. The fact that my parents have spent their lives ignoring basic truths is their problem not mine, now that I'm an adult.

Frankly this is is a philosophy to life I've grown to absolutely loath - ignore difficult issues, pretend they don't exist, cover for people's psychological maladaptations rather than challenge and improve them, people's feelings trump everything including the truth. It ruined my childhood and teenage years and is a major reason why my family is not very close today, and why I've decided not to have kids myself. This is the basic idea behind psychotherapy - bringing uncomfortable truths into the light for better mental health. Sensitively yes, but knowing that not dealing with an issue will cause far more damage in the long-run than the pain of confronting it in the short-term.

Are you a psychotherapist, though? And has your mother consented to this psychotherapy? You will most likely be re-traumatising her and causing much more damage than you know. YABVU.

@Inkanta

Good for you OP!

No

I am an adoptee.
I am also horrified about PP saying that this is ok and "good for you" etc

I was told by my Mum from as early as I can remember that I was adopted, we were a very open family. She also assured me that should I ever choose to find out about my biological family she would support me the whole way.
She is my Mum, and her husband is my Dad, that is the end of it.

But there are 2 very defined sets of rights in an adoption, first and foremost the rights of the child and then secondly, the rights of the parents that gave up the child for adoption.
I don't know if the rules changed at all over the years, but it used to be that for contact to be made the biological parents and the adoptee both had to approach the adoption register and record that they were happy to make contact.
I guess that DNA testing has ridden roughshod over these rights, hopefully inadvertently!
I have never, nor do I ever envisage making contact, I have my Mum and Dad that love me dearly, and I love them equally.
I would be mortified if somebody took it upon themselves to take away my right and make contact on my behalf.

Perhaps the OP's Mum has rejection anxiety, being put up for adoption once can be harrowing enough, maybe she couldn't face the chance for a second rejection?

What about the biological parents? They will have had to overcome the feeling they were left with when handing over the child, perhaps they have made peace with that and are living their best life, making contact unofficially could rip that wound right open, what if they have gone on to have family since, but not told anyone?

What if neither wanted contact?

Adoption is a very personal thing to two sets of people, and only those two sets of people, nobody except for those two sets of people can fathom what they are thinking and how they feel, even two adoptees will not have the same thinking or emotions about it.

My own view is that I am lucky, I was adopted into a loving family, and I have been fortunate enough to extend that family.
Why would I do anything at all to jeopardise that?
I am not at all into "what ifs" or any "whataboutery", so have no desire to see what may have become of me had the sliding door gone the other way.

I would be surprised if there was a single adoptee in this thread that agreed with the OP's actions, and surely that should tell you all you need to know.

What's done is done and cannot be changed, but please OP, find the strength to apologise to your Mum and set about working on your relationship.

I would also like to correct the PPs,
The OP's family are her Dad, Mum and their legal parents.
NOT the biological parents.

Comments on here are too harsh and judgemental. Hope OP has stopped reading them.

@Inkanta

Comments on here are too harsh and judgemental. Hope OP has stopped reading them.

None of the comments here are as harsh or judgemental as the OP's.

I do a lot of genealogy and I can understand the drive to know more about your ancestors! I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, you didn’t intend to hurt your family.

Exactly Holly

@Inkanta

Comments on here are too harsh and judgemental. Hope OP has stopped reading them.

Nope, the Op is harsh and judgemental towards her parents, in fact her actions have been nothing short of cruel towards them.

Harsh and judgemental is what the OP has been towards her parents.
Her actual parents, not some randoms on an anonymous forum,

I hope she has read the comments and learns some empathy

OP might not have intended to hurt her family but she has and should step back rather than moaning about her poor mother

@Inkanta

I do a lot of genealogy and I can understand the drive to know more about your ancestors! I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, you didn’t intend to hurt your family.

Exactly Holly

I'm sorry but there are legal rights bestowed upon both the child and biological parents. There is no desire in the world that trumps these rights I'm afraid.

I think out of respect to your parents you should end your research now. You completely betrayed their trust and it doesn't matter that you regret it with hindsight, the damage is done now.

You let your own selfish curiosity take priority over the feelings of your mum. You don't know the details surrounding her adoptions and the reasons why, nor you don't know what life was like for her before she was adopted.

You're lucky your parents are still talking to you. You have completely overstepped the boundary. Who cares about your own bloody interests and curiosity, it's peoples lives your messing with. Do not carry on with this research, ever.

@SaddenedByItAll
“ I'm sorry but there are legal rights bestowed upon both the child and biological parents.
There is no desire in the world that trumps these rights I'm afraid.”
Huh? Since when is there a law which forbids family tree research?

Nrft but yabu! You obviously haven't got a clue about how adoptees feel about their biological history, it is a massively emotional and personal thing that can fluctuate throughout their lives about how they feel about it. It has shaped their whole life.

You can research for you but don't share with your parents if they don't want to know. You should tread very carefully if you do though, you risk upsetting an awful lot of people otherwise. Not just your current family but the biological links you have found too.

[quote Womenopause]@SaddenedByItAll
“ I'm sorry but there are legal rights bestowed upon both the child and biological parents.
There is no desire in the world that trumps these rights I'm afraid.”
Huh? Since when is there a law which forbids family tree research?[/quote]
Clearly there is no law that forbids family tree research, but there is a contradiction insomuch as those involved in the adoption have rights

Wow so inappropriate. This isn't "your" history it's theirs and you are being incredibly insensitive to push them on issues that have undoubtedly caused them distress.

YABVU. Leave well alone or if you can't help yourself then do it quietly in the background without involving your parents or expecting any input from them. I can understand your curiosity but I think you're behaving very selfishly personally.

This is the basic idea behind psychotherapy - bringing uncomfortable truths into the light for better mental health. Sensitively yes, but knowing that not dealing with an issue will cause far more damage in the long-run than the pain of confronting it in the short-term.

You don't get to decide this about other people's uncomfortable truths!

I'm an adoptee. My early life probably sounds quite abnormal if just laid out factually but the truth is I don't really have many unresolved issues about the adoption. I don't consider it abnormal because it was just the hand I'd always been dealt. I acknowledge that "nothing to see here!" might be a defence mechanism but it's one that I'm comfortable with. You could call it sweeping it under the rug, I call it resolving something in my mind and then moving on from it to live my life. I would not appreciate anyone excavating my past to unearth "uncomfortable truths". I have no interest in contacting any biological relatives, I can't see why I'd want to - and that's even having gone low-to-zero contact with my adoptive family. And I certainly don't need anyone to do that on my behalf.

Leave your poor mum and her adoptive background alone!

Op you come across as very selfish and self obsessed it seems your more interested on finding out the family drama rather than your background

You are being massively unreasonable. You want to poke around in the debris of other people's lives when you know it's against their wishes. Dreadful behaviour. People are entitled to privacy about intimate details of their lives if that is their wish. Have the grace to wait until your parents are dead. You wouldn't like someone doing it to you.

I would suggest going on the dna database and you can research privately but leave your parents out of it, they have made their wishes clear

@RavingAnnie

I disagree with many of the PPs. They are your relatives too and everyone is an adult so they can make their own decision.

You can force or pressure your mum or anyone else to make contact though. That's her decision and it's very personal.

Digging around in someone else’s adoption is not a “right”.

It’s absolutely out of order.

Ooft op.

YABU and you have accepted that so the only thing left to do is wish you well with your personal research.

Neither of your parents is under any obligation to delve into the knowledge of or contact with any non-dependent relatives - including biological ancestors - particularly where adoption and/or trauma is involved. You will have to refrain from questioning them about it, or updating them on your research - unless they change their minds, of their own accord, and request that you discuss it with them.

Anyway, best of luck with your independent genealogical research. It's a fascinating hobby and there are professional genealogists out there if you ever wished to hire assistance.

The op already said she was going to back off and was sorry she upset her mother.

I do agree, A2M4, that the feelings of an adopted person are difficult for others to understand (I too am adopted).