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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

373 replies

belfastlass · 22/09/2021 23:57

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
WhatMattersMost · 23/09/2021 09:41

Completely agree with this. The normies don’t get it. People who are lucky enough to have uncomplicated families they love and respect can’t imagine it being any other way. Not all parents deserve respect

I am far from a "normie". And while my parents don't necessarily deserve my respect, their choices do. Big difference.

TeachesOfPeaches · 23/09/2021 09:46

Think you've been watching too much Long Lost Family OP

EdgeOfTheSky · 23/09/2021 09:47

I think you need to reflect for yourself how much is ‘enthusiasm’ for history, and how much is feeling that your parents’ reticence and boundaries make you feel emotionally isolated / adrift.

They have both experienced difficulties in their personal histories and found their own way to cope. Living in the present. and it is very intrusive of you to dig about in their own backgrounds.

If you feel emotionally lost, seek counselling, not exposure of their past.

If you love historical research, research your family house, history of village or town or whatever.

But stop blundering about in other people’s sensitive life stories.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 23/09/2021 09:47

Because I agree with her that ultimately truth is more important than people’s feelings. Because when she says they made poor parenting decisions I believe her. Parents don’t command unconditional deference. I agree she shouldn’t have mentioned this to them, but she has every right to continue her research privately whether they like it or not.

So Op's feelings are more important than her poor mother's? Yes OP has every right to continue her research but she has no right whatsoever to upset her mother's life in the search for her precious truth. To be honest, if I was part of the newly discovered family and I found out what OP had done to her mother I would have to think seriously about whether I wanted anything to do with someone so selfish and whether or not I could trust her.

DifferentHair · 23/09/2021 09:51

YABU in my opinion and quite selfish. Your mother should be allowed to process her own feelings about HER own adoption without being ploughed over by your wishes.

You're not the protagonist in this story OP.

Graphista · 23/09/2021 09:53

Wow! Where is YOUR empathy and compassion for your mum?!

Your obsession with family history is no excuse to ride roughshod over her needs as an adopted person!

Even just by the thread title I suspected there was a damn good reason why they didn't want it raked up and was going to advise treading gently.

Instead I'm shocked and angry on her behalf at your complete disrespect for her and total disregard for her wishes!

She has every right NOT to track down biological relatives and certainly not to be effectively forced into having a relationship with them.

You have behaved dreadfully in regard to this and you need to stop that now.

Frankly if you were my daughter I'd have steamed right into you telling you to butt out and be a LOT more considerate of your mothers feelings.

You've hurt her - deeply! Stop doing so

You've also hurt your father re his grandparents. It's absolutely none of your business, is very likely a painful and embarrassing situation he totally understandably doesn't want hashed over particularly by someone so obviously insensitive.

Your post at 0042 is an odd mix of petulance and justification and wanting to punish them.

And you're wrong about psychotherapy too, it's only IF certain truths would actually lead to healing and not cause further trauma to either the patient or others, no decent psychotherapist would EVER say what you are doing is remotely ok.

Your post at 0109 smacks of furious backpedaling!

You're also coming across as extremely arrogant thinking you know better than they do but it's not your experience to understand it's theirs and theirs alone. You haven't even considered the hurt and trauma and damage you've done here.

@TedMullins it's irrelevant what kind of parents they were nothing justifies how op has behaved here.

My father was abusive I still would never have used that to justify doing something as cruel as the op has

2 wrongs don't make a right

YouMeandtheSpew · 23/09/2021 09:54

I can’t believe you seem to think that your mother’s decision to order her adoption papers somehow gives you carte blanche to go digging into something so personal and - judging by her behaviour - painful. Can you really, really not imagine why she might have ordered them and not looked at them?

I also agree with @EdgeOfTheSky. You’re failing to distinguish between a fun history project and real, living peoples’ complicated and painful life stories.

Nc123 · 23/09/2021 09:55

[quote minatrina]@TedMullins the "normies" give me a break 🤣 lots more people with 'complicated' families on this thread disagree with you than agree[/quote]
This. You have no idea what the commenters’ personal circumstances are - my family are incredibly complex on one side and there is more than one adoption and lots not known. That’s why I’m saying YABU - because I’ve seen the distress that can be caused by excavating this stuff even when you’re sensitive about how you do it, which to be honest OP hasn’t been.

Like OP, I don’t have much patience with avoidant people who struggle to confront others myself - but unlike her (it seems) I do have some empathy and an understanding of why they might be that way. OP’s parents and their personal emotions about their own backgrounds should be respected. If OP thinks they need therapy, get them therapy, don’t drag them through this against their will.

BiBabbles · 23/09/2021 09:58

It is hard when our parents and other people we leaned on growing up ignore difficult issues and pretend they don't exist. I'm not sure one's family history automatically fits into that even if the reasons given are around not wanting to rock the boat. We can not want to look into things without actually ignoring or pretending it isn't there, it can just not have the same draw for them as it does for you.

cover for people's psychological maladaptations rather than challenge and improve them

You cannot force someone else to improve their maladaptive behaviours. Unpicking well embedded ones takes a lot of patience and on-going consideration & care, not something you can just challenge someone on.

I mean, if they turned around and said your "personal project" might be a maladaptation to seek out more recognition of the truth than you grew up with and such a drive led you doing something rather thoughtless and risky, I doubt such a challenge would neither do much good for the relationship nor have you seeking another path for dealing with that pain. I know if someone had told me that digging through court records wouldn't give me what I was looking for, that as nice as that formal recognition by seeing that charges would be, that I'd end up with more questions than answers and just a feeling of being failed, I'd probably have told them to feck off. If my parents had tried to suggest that, oh, I'd have had more than a few choice words.

This is the basic idea behind psychotherapy - bringing uncomfortable truths into the light for better mental health.

There are dozens of therapeutic models. Don't use the 'basic' or most well-known one for all situations. That way lies to harm.

It's widely acknowledged in many trauma-informed therapy models that bringing uncomfortable truths to light doesn't always help, it can re-traumatize people and people can pick at that scab over and over. This can become its own maladaptation, even a method of unintended self harm disguised as doing good. Bringing up pain for recognition can give quite the dopamine hit - been there, done that - but it doesn't end up helping our thinking and emotions in the long-term and often leads people to bringing it up more just so they can get that recognition buzz all over again when we feel we didn't get it properly when it happened. I fall into that trap a little too often.

I get the draw - I grew up with a very patchy understanding of my background, I grew up with a lot of rumours, many of which I'll never know the answers to, not confidently. I was in my thirties before I felt sure that my father is actually my father, I'm the spitting image but there were a lot of 'milkman/delivery man' jokes growing up that those doubts lingered.

I'm far less sure on my paternal grandfather, but I've chosen to let that lie - what benefit would it be to anyone else if I dug into the rumours that my grandparents married because my grandmother was pregnant by someone else, that that's the reason my father looks so different and is the only one who didn't follow in my grandfather's footsteps? Honestly, having been the target of malicious lies around my paternity in part because I'm darker and different to my siblings, I can give my grandparents the benefit of the doubt even though I'll never be sure.

DNA tests can be interesting, but there are just as many stories of them causing pain as stories of them causing joy. Just because there was pain for "the truth" doesn't actually mean the pain was worthwhile - sometimes it is, but being the truth doesn't always give pain meaning. It's more complicated than that and with this sort of thing, it's hard to know which you'll end up with. It's a risk, and not everyone wants to take it. There is a difference between hiding from truths we know are there & festering and just choosing to let sleeping dogs lie.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/09/2021 09:59

You describe your mother as a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people

Yet you have treated her in exactly the same way, pushing her around, disregarding her feelings.

Nc123 · 23/09/2021 10:02

You are harming your parents, OP.

Whatever went wrong in your own upbringing, do not persist in contacting relatives who didn’t know about your mother’s existence and adoption. The damage you could do to everyone involved is massive and could last for the rest of their lives.

Keep your future research academic, apologise sincerely to your parents and understand, acknowledge and validate the distress you have caused them.

Anoisagusaris · 23/09/2021 10:02

You sound so selfish and horrible. I saw that as someone with an nc parent and difficult upbringing. I would be so hurt if my children thought my experience and wishes were not valid and that their interest in family history trumped what I went through.

Muttly · 23/09/2021 10:05

Because I agree with her that ultimately truth is more important than people’s feelings.

That is a very skewed view and largely intangible and impossible to enforce. The OP has absolutely no way of gathering some elusive universal truth, no such thing exists. What she can gather are some facts about her past, about her family connections. Truth even for the exact same situation represents different things for different people. Without bringing up seriously painful issues and possibly harming people no one could get to those personal truths and no one has any right to them except the people directly involved in them. The OP has the right to facts from public records as we all do but she has no right to other people’s traumatic truths to satisfy her curiosity.

IdblowJonSnow · 23/09/2021 10:10

Yes of course you're being completely selfish.
Surprised you have to ask.

CliffsofMohair · 23/09/2021 10:10

Your poor mother. Aside from anything you speak about her so contemptuously, that she is some sort of doddering barrier to your shining truth hunt.

thebabessavedme · 23/09/2021 10:15

'I didn't ask to be born' I think I was about 10 when I last said that, my dm said 'no you didn't but you are asking for slap'!

Op, you sound totally self absorbed, selfish and petulant, you are riding roughshod over your parents wishes and feelings, I think you are simply nosy and pissed off that there are some things that you don't know about and that your parents don't want you to know about, why do your wishes and wants trump theirs? Why is what YOU want so much more important?

You have no idea of the damage you may have caused and are oblivious to the pain you may be causing your mum, but hey, she has always been a 'doormat' so you just crack on!

YouMeandtheSpew · 23/09/2021 10:15

I think also it’s worth reflecting on what information you want and why you want it. What need do you have that you think that information will fulfill?

I have a relative who’s obsessed with family history. Whenever we meet he drones on about how his second cousin three times removed won the Victoria Cross in the First World War. For him, I think it’s a lack of identity and low self-esteem. He’s not achieved much with his life so he enjoys the ego boost of finding out that he’s related to someone who did. A bit of reflected glory.

OhWhyNot · 23/09/2021 10:21

I know my grandfather died in circumstances that raises many questions (nothing to do with the family he was away at the time)

Of course I would like to know more but it’s very painful for my dad and aunties/uncles

They don’t want to discuss this so why should I have the right to know the truth

Psychotherapy isn’t as simple as bringing up uncomfortable truths it’s about understanding how you best process them and how they have impacted your life. It’s not as simple as confront, exploring and finding closure (meaning is different to everyone and meaningless to many) Some people feel more comfortable not discussing the therapy is around that, some are comfortable with hating someone it doesn’t consume them, some forgive, some need to talk about feelings that others don’t want to accept or hear about but their acceptance of their own feelings is what is important. Some never get over their trauma and find the exploring detrimental

grapewine · 23/09/2021 10:29

I didn't ask to be born, and not into a family with such a messy background.

You sound about 5. I can't get over that you would seriously write this as an actual adult.

Eralos · 23/09/2021 10:40

Yes you are being incredibly selfish.

WhatMattersMost · 23/09/2021 10:41

This is the basic idea behind psychotherapy - bringing uncomfortable truths into the light for better mental health.

This is psychotherapy wielded both ignorantly and dangerously.

You are not there to heal others. You can choose to heal yourself, though - and right now you're avoiding doing anything but that.

WhatMattersMost · 23/09/2021 10:42

*you're doing anything but that.

Rainallnight · 23/09/2021 10:43

Yes, @WhatMattersMost, I went on to say that the OP can’t do it for other people without their consent

Whatup · 23/09/2021 10:46

I don't know who my dad is if someone had tried to find out about this behind my back or without my permission I would be beyond livid. Keep your beak out you could be destroying lives.

Pedalpushers · 23/09/2021 10:58

Your frankly self involved search for your own 'truth' has left you oblivious to the pain you could end up inflicting on others. You have contacted your mum's biological family, who you say are enthusiastic, knowing full well she wants nothing to do with them - leaving your poor mum's feelings out of it for a second as you seem to, how do you think that will feel for a family who might have suffered their own traumas over the years relating to that adoption, to find the child they gave up only to be completely rejected by them? Do you really think they will be happy knowing where and who your Mum is but never be in touch with her? You are bringing up old wounds for so many people without a single thought for how it affects anyone but you.