AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

[belfastlass]

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

@ManifestDestinee

How do you know her mother was a good parent who deserves OP’s respect?

Try reading her OP, for a start

Nothing in her OP indicates that. In fact she goes on to describe poor parenting. Why is everyone so eager to come to the defence of bad parents, or insinuate that OP is wrong for thinking them bad parents? It’s interesting seeing the rush to defend people who are perceived as the victims, when actually I would hazard a guess that OP’s curiosity and need to research her family tree is a response to the trauma her parents caused her by sweeping everything under the carpet.

You've got to respect privacy and boundaries. It might be interesting and some sort of fun activity for you but a lot of adoptees and people with unpleasant childhoods prefer to look forward and not be defined by the past.

It's your family, your heritage, you have every right to find out about it, good luck

@Pallisers

II now regret contacting the biological relatives (to clarify, a cousin and half-brother - who surely have a right to know in any case?)

No. They do not have a right to know. Why on earth would they? Do you have any understanding what adoption actually is and how it worked?

No one has any rights here except your mother (who had no rights at all when adopted). You sound very naive and very self-centered. Did it never occur to you that your mother had her own feelings about her adoption that were more important than your wish to know your ancestors?

All of this is so spot on.

You're being so unreasonable.

Op has backed off out of consideration for her mother/parents, which she has explained above, therefore is not being selfish. She just wanted to talk about it on here as she cannot in real life.

Perhaps she shouldn't have been selfish at the beginning! She's poked her nose into her mother's business which I understand to a point, but what sort of person thinks it's a good idea to then discuss something so serious with someone who clearly isn't interested. And then to accuse her mother of 'mithering on' about it? If someone did that to me I'd probably never speak to them again.

Nothing in her OP indicates that. In fact she goes on to describe poor parenting. Why is everyone so eager to come to the defence of bad parents, or insinuate that OP is wrong for thinking them bad parents? It’s interesting seeing the rush to defend people who are perceived as the victims, when actually I would hazard a guess that OP’s curiosity and need to research her family tree is a response to the trauma her parents caused her by sweeping everything under the carpet

They might be bad parents, or not, OP does not describe bad parenting. But you haven't noticed that OP is worse! Why are you in such a rush to centre OP against her supposedly bad parents, when SHE is the one causing THEM pain and trauma?
Cop yourself on.

Also, infuriated? Really?

@Macncheeseballs

It's your family, your heritage, you have every right to find out about it, good luck

It's not her family and she doesn't have every right.

Researching your familial history is not going to heal your internal wounds, nor will it give you the parents you feel you deserve.
Learning to live with yourself, perhaps exploring some issues via therapy, with a smattering of radical acceptance might form part of the healing process.
You have a rather formal writing style, which makes you sound rather cold and indifferent to others' feelings.
You sound entitled, selfish, dismissive of and supercilious towards your parents; frankly, you cone across like a total arse. But, I suspect there's years of hurt and a search for identity/belonging/the family you never knew.
Carry on with your search; you will not find the closure/answers you seek.
I did this this to my parents as a very selfish mid 20s girl-child. I caused a lot of people unnecessary pain.

@ManifestDestinee

Nothing in her OP indicates that. In fact she goes on to describe poor parenting. Why is everyone so eager to come to the defence of bad parents, or insinuate that OP is wrong for thinking them bad parents? It’s interesting seeing the rush to defend people who are perceived as the victims, when actually I would hazard a guess that OP’s curiosity and need to research her family tree is a response to the trauma her parents caused her by sweeping everything under the carpet

They might be bad parents, or not, OP does not describe bad parenting. But you haven't noticed that OP is worse! Why are you in such a rush to centre OP against her supposedly bad parents, when SHE is the one causing THEM pain and trauma?
Cop yourself on.

Because I agree with her that ultimately truth is more important than people’s feelings. Because when she says they made poor parenting decisions I believe her. Parents don’t command unconditional deference. I agree she shouldn’t have mentioned this to them, but she has every right to continue her research privately whether they like it or not.

You should respect that your mother isn’t interested in meeting her biological relatives - it’s her choice, regardless of the fact that you might not agree with her reasons

Given your mother is the person who is adopted and you have no idea what that feels like I think you are being spectacularly insensitive. You say your mother is a doormat but are also treading all over her in this.

One of the best and most interesting things I've done is join Ancestry and get my DNA done. Through that I found out that my great uncle was born in prison. My aunt was very upset by this news as she remembers her Grandmother with love, and doesn't want her children to know about this. Out of respect for her I haven't told them, but I know they will feel like I do...it's interesting. And also I surmise that her crimes were committed in order to feed her kids in a time when there were no benefits.
It's a shame your parents aren't interested, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't carry on researching your family history., and if you do meet "new" relatives I hope you love them as much as I love my "new" cousins!

I think you are being very unreasonable. My dd is adopted, she wants to know nothing of her birth family, as far as she is concerned they don't exist. Thst is her decision and her choice. If anyone went snooping around about her adoption she would be totally devastated. People may think that's wrong of her to bury it but it's her life and her choice alone, and her way of dealing with it.

I think you are being incredibly selfish.

Family history can be very sensitive. It has taken me years to even ask for the family documents my Mum has and there are no skeletons in the closet. It just feels lile violating her history to claim ownership.

These are people's actual lives you are claiming a right to through genetics. These are your parents' close relatives, not yours. Nobody has a moral right to know everything about their background. There are many, many stories from the past which people kept hidden. Abortion was illegal so adoptions and multiple children were commonplace. If your Dad's family had children taken away from them, the context is crucial. Child protection records are kept secret for (I think) 30 years after someone dies for a reason. Try to imagine being a child or baby in the situations you have described. Try to imagine being a parent making a traumatic decision because of social situations you can barely imagine.

You gave made your mind up though so I am not sure why you have started this thread. But IMO your psychotherapist's opinion and yours, aren't the only valid ones here.

Honestly Op you are coming across as very unempathetic and insensitive. Exploring uncomfortable topics may well be the point of therapy, but it is crucial that this is done at the client's own pace.
Can you really not understand why your parents might resist these topics? You sound so contemptuous of them. Perhaps they deserve it, or perhaps some kindness may be more fitting

Manifest, it absolutely is her right to find out about other family members , grand parents etc, she just doesn't need to share it

It's not brave or impressive to take other peoples secrets and lives and blow them up for your own amusement. It's not impressive to be vile about your mother while wearing her trauma like a coat.

Perfectly put.

It’s an interest to you

For you parents it brings up a huge amount of feeling they choose not to deal with

Find another interest (can still be connected to history) or don’t involve them. The problem is you will not be able to keep quiet about something you may discover

We have family secrets that are best left there people learnt to live around them and this doesn’t impact my life it impacted my dad and my grandparents. And my dad certainly doesn’t want to deal with these issues

Very very selfish, in my opinion.

You talk a lot about how your parents attitudes shaped your childhood, but seem to have a complete brain fart around their experiences as children, and the hurt they've been carrying since, and that you are adding to. In fact, your attitude feels a bit as if you are adding to your mum being a 'door mat.'

You sound entitled, and so dismissive about their feelings. They don't owe you their history.

Consider them as human beings, not 'just' as your parents. Stop being an arse and apologise to them without making it all about you again.

Sorry but I don’t think that you have any automatic right to know about events that happened before you were even born. And I think it’s incredibly out of order to go and
contact your mothers biological family without her permission. This is interesting family ‘history’ to you, but it’s your mothers actual story.

This is an interest to you - it's your parent's life experiences.

You have no idea what emotional pain you may be causing by your dogged determination to find out about things. They may have suffered traumas you can't even begin to imagine.

If you must research your family, no-one can stop you, but you have no right - NO RIGHT - to put pressure on you parents to talk about things which are obviously painful and private, and to involve other people (your long-lost relatives) to increase the burden on them.

How can you think it's acceptable to do this? You are beyond selfish.

@saraclara

It's not brave or impressive to take other peoples secrets and lives and blow them up for your own amusement. It's not impressive to be vile about your mother while wearing her trauma like a coat.

Perfectly put.

Agree - very well put indeed.

You can clinically examine the information you turn up - your parents can't. This is a raw wound to them and you are rubbing salt into it.

Completely agree with this. The normies don’t get it. People who are lucky enough to have uncomplicated families they love and respect can’t imagine it being any other way. Not all parents deserve respect

Sorry, Edgelord, but few families are uncomplicated. Families are made up of human beings, and anything involving human beings is going to be complicated and messy.

More broadly, this thread is a perfect example of why academic historians have to get ethical approval before doing any research that involves living people. Seriously, you can't go around raking up painful information just to satisfy your curiosity.

@belfastlass

I should clarify: . the possible custody issue was with my father's grandparents, not his own parents, so traumatic yes but not directly affecting him . My mother's adoption records she ordered herself a few years ago. I'm not sure why she ordered them and then just let then just let them gather dust. . I have been conducting this as a personal project. I only informed my parents as I thought they might wish to know some of the things I found out, however as they seemingly don't then I will carry on my research but just not inform them.

Also, I can see the point of people here calling me selfish. However by this logic, to research this further I will have to wait until my parents are dead, by which time any possible relatives will likely also be dead even if I can find them by that point, and I will be very old myself.

As stated, this is my family story too, and yes I do have a 'right' to know. I didn't ask to be born, and not into a family with such a messy background. The fact that my parents have spent their lives ignoring basic truths is their problem not mine, now that I'm an adult.

Frankly this is is a philosophy to life I've grown to absolutely loath - ignore difficult issues, pretend they don't exist, cover for people's psychological maladaptations rather than challenge and improve them, people's feelings trump everything including the truth. It ruined my childhood and teenage years and is a major reason why my family is not very close today, and why I've decided not to have kids myself. This is the basic idea behind psychotherapy - bringing uncomfortable truths into the light for better mental health. Sensitively yes, but knowing that not dealing with an issue will cause far more damage in the long-run than the pain of confronting it in the short-term.

You do not have a right to know anything.

That sounds harsh, but, no, you do not have that right when it goes against the rights of others to deal with their own childhoods in their own idiosyncratic ways.

Human behaviour often doesn't appear to make any sense. For example, you feel confounded that your mother ordered the adoption papers, only to not look at them when they arrived.

Your mother's behaviour here is ambivalent, which suggests pain. I think this needs to be respected, no matter how infuriating it is.

When I was younger, I wanted to know about my parents' families. I got nothing of value to me. I was frustrated and angry. I came to realise that I was never going to get what I wanted from them - and their family history was only one part of that. My parents were who they were: flawed, and unable to reflect on their experiences, and that included being able to look back on their own childhoods and lineage.

You cannot change them. That's the height of entitlement. You may need to accept that you won't get what you want. It may feel unfair. It is what it is.