Page 12 | AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

Plumtree391 · 23/09/2021 11:00

The last post of the op that I read indicated that she was not going to ask her mother any more questions and was actually sorry she had upset her.

OnceUponAThread · 23/09/2021 11:46

Good grief. It's not just telling your mother what you found that was a mistake - it was looking in the first place.

I would say that you absolutely have the right to research the adoptive family as much as you like. I'm not so bothered about you researching your dad's family (other than that you are seemingly indifferent to his feelings) so if you conduct that search privately and keep discovery to yourself then there's no harm.

But researching your mother's biological family when she doesn't want to know is completely unforgivable. Even doing it privately behind her back is a terrible. Adoptees have very specific rights, to protect them. And plenty of people choose not to find out about their biological parents. You've ridden roughshod over that, and completely destroyed any element of choice or privacy she had. All because "you're interested in history" and "you didn't ask to be born".

I don't wish to be harsh but I think this was incredibly selfish, revolting behaviour. And if she doesn't forgive you I will understand why.

How would you feel if you were adopted, had made the decision that you didn't want to know your bio family (for whatever reason) and a family member started digging around behind your back. And finding your half siblings.

Really, really, really shocked that anyone could think this is ok.

Ninkanink · 23/09/2021 12:08

It’s really important to remember that nobody asks to be born. Your parents didn’t either. Rightly or wrongly, and regardless of whether they’re good/decent people or not, they had no control of their birth/childhood. They have a right not to want to engage with things that went before, and whether or not they were good parents is really by the by. I understand that for you knowledge equals power, but you can’t, and won’t, heal yourself by trampling over others.

sbfptw · 23/09/2021 13:48

Hear, hear. The parents do not have to share anything about their life pre the birth of the OP. Trouble is, people share too much in all walks of life. The adage 'don't air your dirty linen in public' is apt, but largely ignored.
So while it may be frustrating, essentially, it is none of the OPs business. Sorry

Polkadots2021 · 23/09/2021 14:11

@belfastlass

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

It's all sounding dramatic OP, leave them to their ways I'd say, and maybe there's pain there you just don't know about which is why they are quiet about it all. Who knows. No point stressing.

Best way IMO is to get a DNA test as you might get some relatives pop up and also some cool info about your ethnic heritage that you didn't already know. You could also look on genealogy sites.

I say this as someone who knows v little about my background, so I get the frustration but don't fret over what you can't control, etc. There are lots of options out there now for finding out your heritage.

Polkadots2021 · 23/09/2021 14:13

To add, you don't need to share this info with your parents or even that you're doing it as it might be sensitive and very difficult for them, for one reason or another.

JudgeJ · 23/09/2021 14:47

@621CustardCream438

Bluntly, yes you’re being selfish. Your mother’s feelings on her adoption trump yours. I’m staggered you thought your behaviour was appropriate. It’s absolutely not your place to research her biological family and contact them, unless she actually asks you to.

Research whatever you want from public records etc but leave your parents out of it.

Totally agree, why do you expect your parents to jump to your wishes? There may be things which they find very painful and despite what may be the current philosophy not everyone wants to discuss the nitty gritty of life.

sbfptw · 23/09/2021 15:04

@Womenopause

OP I haven’t read all the comments but I’ve read your updates.

I have similar issues in my background and I was amazed to see how many people were saying YABU. I firmly believe that you have the right to know where you come from, and your parents’ feelings don’t trump yours. People from “normal” backgrounds seem oddly eager to squash the feelings of people from more complicated families. Don’t take any notice.

Do a DNA test (Ancestry is best). Good luck.

Why are you assumimg that the responders who think the OP is being more than unreasonable come from 'normal' backgrounds. If you bothered to read all the posts, you'll see that many are not. Don't be so damn sanctimonious.

grapewine · 23/09/2021 15:41

People from “normal” backgrounds seem oddly eager to squash the feelings of people from more complicated families. Don’t take any notice.

Oh, FGS! My family is as complicated as they come. I still think OP is being selfish and unreasonable.

Snugglepumpkin · 23/09/2021 15:50

Your parents don't owe you the chance to play tourist in their past pain.
They certainly don't owe you an 'unmessy family history'.
It's not in their control for one to have existed.

For you, this is an easy thing to do.
You are finding out facts about people who you never knew, who can't hurt you as it's all ancient history.

What if you find out that one of these people was sexually abused, or murdered or was a murderer or a rapist?
It could happen & could cause deep pain to a relative closer to that 'interesting historical family member' (as far as you are concerned.)

It does not help or benefit YOU to do this.
It can harm & distress people you are supposed to care about.

No wonder you are not close to your mother if you are always this selfish.

I just hope nobody in your family knows you on Mumsnet because they might be uncomfortable about you throwing around 'facts' that are their lived reality.

YABVU & uncaring.

Eviebeans · 23/09/2021 16:09

I think that what we often don't appreciate when we think about researching "family history" is that back then people were often living much harsher lives than now. Babies born to unmarried women were often raised by their mother, an older sister or other relative or adopted out of the family altogether. No discussion and no choice in the matter. Although at face value it is a generation removed you can have no idea of what impact this would have had on future children born into that family for example. When I look back at my grandmothers' lives I feel sad for what they endured and I can see how that played out in my parents' lives.

CarerCarer · 23/09/2021 16:19

I think you are being incredibly U.

hollyivysaurus · 23/09/2021 16:21

I do a lot of genealogy and I can understand the drive to know more about your ancestors! I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, you didn’t intend to hurt your family. Personally I’d keep researching, not share with your parents unless asked, make it clear to any new family you get in contact with that your parents aren’t open to contact. A DNA test is a good idea if you haven’t already (Ancestry is good). There are loads of Facebook groups that help people in similar situations, there’s a DNA genealogy UK one that helps a lot of people untangle matches from unknown backgrounds.

JustLyra · 23/09/2021 16:27

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

It’s highly likely he doesn’t know details.

Children weren’t given details of things like that. People didn’t talk about past problems or anything that could be “shameful”.

If you are going to insist on delving around in people’s life stories at least learn a bit about social norms of the time and get a bit of understanding.

People from “normal” backgrounds seem oddly eager to squash the feelings of people from more complicated families. Don’t take any notice.

You know even less about people’s backgrounds on here than the OP does about her parents so why not wind the judgements in and just realise that having a complicated background doesn’t necessarily mean thinking your “rights” trump those of the people directly involved.

LaRobeRouge · 23/09/2021 16:31

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Are you serious? She 'acquired' her mother's confidential adoption papers and went behind an adopted person's back to contact the biological relatives! Have you any idea of the sensitive nature of this kind of research? Adopted people have rights and those rights should be respected not belittled and preached at about being weak and avoidant!

Staryflight445 · 23/09/2021 16:45

Funnily enough ancestry is a 2 way street.
What Op has done was clearly not the same.

@hollyivysaurus

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 23/09/2021 16:49

@hollyivysaurus

I do a lot of genealogy and I can understand the drive to know more about your ancestors! I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, you didn’t intend to hurt your family. Personally I’d keep researching, not share with your parents unless asked, make it clear to any new family you get in contact with that your parents aren’t open to contact. A DNA test is a good idea if you haven’t already (Ancestry is good). There are loads of Facebook groups that help people in similar situations, there’s a DNA genealogy UK one that helps a lot of people untangle matches from unknown backgrounds.

I definitely would NOT recommend a DNA test where there are people in the family who have been reluctant to talk about their past, or there are potentially difficult circumstances. It can cause such heartache and force people into discussions which break families apart.

I think the OP has been massively disrespectful to her own mother, and contacting relatives was way, way over the mark. Your curiosity doesn’t trump your relatives’ own wishes and well-being. There may be no coming back from the hurt you cause.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 23/09/2021 17:59

People from “normal” backgrounds seem oddly eager to squash the feelings of people from more complicated families. Don’t take any notice

Jesus wept have you heard yourself? Who are You to say what anyones background is on this thread?

mathanxiety · 23/09/2021 18:15

Truly excellent post, @BiBabbles

RavingAnnie · 23/09/2021 18:20

@gobbynorthernbird

You searched out an adoptee's biological family without their knowledge or permission? Totally out of order.

No it isn't. They are her relatives too.

ManifestDestinee · 23/09/2021 18:21

No it isn't. They are her relatives too

No, they aren't.

RavingAnnie · 23/09/2021 18:23

I disagree with many of the PPs. They are your relatives too and everyone is an adult so they can make their own decision.

You can force or pressure your mum or anyone else to make contact though. That's her decision and it's very personal.

Underamour · 23/09/2021 18:29

Sounds like it’s painful for them to talk about. Losing custody of kids is huge but even more so back then. You can research but you have to be sensitive to their feelings. If they don’t want to talk about things you have to respect that. You are pushing them away with your behaviour

wewereliars · 23/09/2021 18:43

RavingAnnie the op has absolutely no right to go delving into her mother's adoption, especially as it has been made clear to her that this is unwanted.

To have contacted her mother's birth relatives is absolutely beyond the pale. I was adopted in the 60s, in very difficult circumstances it turns out. If my son had done what the OP has done I would be shocked and devastated.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 23/09/2021 18:45

@wewereliars

RavingAnnie the op has absolutely no right to go delving into her mother's adoption, especially as it has been made clear to her that this is unwanted.

To have contacted her mother's birth relatives is absolutely beyond the pale. I was adopted in the 60s, in very difficult circumstances it turns out. If my son had done what the OP has done I would be shocked and devastated.

Your son most likely doesn't hold the level of contempt for you as OP does for her parents