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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to 7 house guests?

189 replies

Bex09787 · 21/09/2021 22:21

I just preface this with saying I’m a bit of a natural introvert..I love socialising for limited periods of time but like to have my space too, especially at home. The problem is my husbands family live miles away which means visits are always extended (1 week or so stays). I know this is part and parcel of being married and I found it fine till we had kids really then I just find it a bit much looking after baby / toddler and guests.

My husbands family usually come in smaller groups but they’ve asked if 7 of them (inc two toddlers) can come for 3 nights...I’ve had to say no but I feel like they probably think I’m being difficult! I’m 8 mths pregnant so pretty shattered and have a 21 month old. We do have a big house but not big enough for that many of them so would mean blow up beds in living room and hallway...just seems a bit much!

Husband has said he’s fine to say no but he’s said he would say yes himself so of course has told them it’s me that doesn’t want them rather than being a united front!

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 22/09/2021 08:36

The lovely thing about them coming to visit you in your house is that it's your house and your rules.

So MiL and FiL share. No exceptions.
SiL and Partner in another room
Kids and BiL in the third room (or spread the kids out throughout the three rooms)

No one is in the living room or on the landing. If they don't like them apples they can book into the nearest hotel to stay and work out where they are all sleeping there!

LookItsMeAgain · 22/09/2021 08:37

Oh and you have a DH problem - whatever the message is, it should be presented as a united front and that you're both singing from the same hymn sheet. He just threw you under the bus there in relation to his family and you saying no.

StrongArm · 22/09/2021 08:37

good lord, you lost me when you got to 8 months pregnant! no bloody way!

and tell your husband to grow a pair!

WhatAShilohPitt · 22/09/2021 08:48

Christ, I’d be saying a firm no to this nonsense. Eight months pregnant, too!

IM0GEN · 22/09/2021 08:50

@SarahBellam

I'd do it IF my DH did all the work - the pre-cleaning, the shopping, the hosting, the cooking, the cleaning, making teas and coffees, providing drinks, planned the trips to the park, and did the post-cleaning. I suspect part of your reluctance is because you'll end up doing all of that.
This.

I’d tell everyone that You have high blood pressure and the midwives have insisted that you have bed rest at home or you will be admitted to hospital.

The camp out in your bedroom with Netflix. Get a little bell to ring when you need your husband to bring you food and drink.

notthemum · 22/09/2021 08:51

Toddlers in living room ? To sleep ? Sorry OP but they are all fucķing mental including your DH.
I'm pretty sure that you won't bog off to a hotel but I think that would be a great idea. I most definitely would be telling DH though that HE will be the one taking care of them. By this I mean everything.

TheGrumpyGoat · 22/09/2021 08:53

No no and no.
Christmas 2019 I said no to 4 house guests (MIL, FIL, SIL and BIL) as I had a then 11 month old (plus a 3 and 5 year old). It was just too much and would have led to all sorts of complex sleeping arrangements. 7 guests at 8 months pregnant with a toddler would give me palpitations!

ivfbabymomma1 · 22/09/2021 09:00

Absolutely not!!!! No no & no again. We have 1 spare bedroom... and if all guests don't fit in there then are they aren't staying over! Not having a sea of bodies sleeping through the house!!

mumwon · 22/09/2021 09:02

minor concern - a little thing called covid with number
in addition with this being totally out of order for a woman 8 months pregnant
& If your mil starts I would take pp advice & go to hotel

RedToothBrush · 22/09/2021 09:03

@LookItsMeAgain

The lovely thing about them coming to visit you in your house is that it's your house and your rules.

So MiL and FiL share. No exceptions.
SiL and Partner in another room
Kids and BiL in the third room (or spread the kids out throughout the three rooms)

No one is in the living room or on the landing. If they don't like them apples they can book into the nearest hotel to stay and work out where they are all sleeping there!

This. If you dont have the room to accommodate them in beds then tough. And your DH needs to stop pandering to this nonsense and to grow a spine and support you. He is a useless weak coward. Tell him that.
Nataliefrances123 · 22/09/2021 09:05

No no no! You tell your husband to phone his mother and cancel all plans of them staying over.
"Its just not convenient for US at this time"

BungleandGeorge · 22/09/2021 09:08

When you say 8 months do you mean 32 weeks or 36 weeks pregnant? Will they help out? Will your partner share the workload? You have enough bedrooms that’s crazy that the in laws would expect anyone to sleep in the hall so they can have their own rooms. Could brother share with Dad? I’d probably say yes as I’d prefer to get the visits out the way before you have a newborn!

frazzledasarock · 22/09/2021 09:10

Would the toddlers in the lounge need supervising?

Your husband is a dick to blame you.

Tell them yes yes by all means do come bring a few extras.

Then then go away for the duration.
If your H wants them he can deal with them.

HoppingPavlova · 22/09/2021 09:21

You are a better person than I. At 8mths pregnant no way I would even had had the 3 to stay.

Chickychickydodah · 22/09/2021 09:29

You don’t have to justify your self to her 7 is too much for anyone , pregnant or not!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/09/2021 09:32

@milian

God no never in a million years would I have blow up beds in the hallway. YANBU.
I wouldn't want that many guests even at the best of times, but as milian says - blow up beds all over? No chance!

What if there was a fire or other emergency? How could people exit safely and quickly? Apart from just the practicalities of putting them down, picking them up, tripping over them . . .

YA definitely NBU

billy1966 · 22/09/2021 09:36

I don't know how women maintain any semblance of respect for a man so weak and sneaky, as to blame his heavily pregnant wife for not wanting 7 guests to visit.

I certainly couldn't.

God help you OP married to such a wuss.

Flowers
dearfanny · 22/09/2021 09:46

I don't know anyone who could accommodate this number of people comfortably. You'd need to live in a mansion. Its just not practical for anyone i know.

I think PIL come alone and then the other bunch come another time. Whether you're pregnant or not. That should be the rule whenever

If they insist on coming en masse, they need to rent an Air Bnb.

Lobelia123 · 22/09/2021 09:48

Agree wholeheartedly with everyone upline....you need to channel your inner Simon Cowell and say its a hard NO from me! And if your husband or inlaws so much as squeak, you can let them all know exactly how selfish, inconsiderate and unreasonable theyre being.

Notaroadrunner · 22/09/2021 09:51

Not a chance would I have anyone coming to stay at 8 months pregnant. I'm at a stage now where we don't have room so it's fine for a niece/nephew to bunk in with mine, but I'm passed the stage of moving my kids out of their rooms in order to put adults up.

I see that 3 of Dh's family are still going to come and stay. I sincerely hope you don't lift a finger in preparation and leave Dh to get their rooms ready, shop and cook for them while you sit back and relax. And once they're gone leave Dh to strip beds, do washing and clean up after them.

TiredButDancing · 22/09/2021 09:55

If your DH's family considers this normal, I can see why it's difficult to say no - DH's family have a somewhat similar approach in that no one thinks its weird for family members to turn up for WEEKS at a time, without any discussion etc.

HOWEVER, I have come to accept and live with this mostly because I refuse to take responsibility for it. And that's what should be happening here. If your DH is the type who will do ALL the heavy lifting - making beds, cleaning, cooking, shopping, thinking, entertaining - then sure, I can see how this is doable (not my preference, but I'm trying to be considerate to family norms). But if it's left to you then the fact that he is even asking demonstrates a complete lack of concern or interest in your needs and I'd be RAGING.

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 22/09/2021 09:57

Noooooo

It’s a hard NO

CharityDingle · 22/09/2021 10:00

@Bex09787

I thought it seemed a bit mad but needed a sense check with pregnancy hormones at maximum. I’m pretty sure he agrees as he didn’t put up a fight but very convenient to blame it on me! His mum is really direct and they’re still coming (so only 3 of them now) and know she’ll comment on it...think it’s probably worth the awkwardness though
As has been said, you have a DH problem. Who in their right mind would think it feasible for seven people to impose themselves on any household, never mind the fact that you are pregnant, into the bargain.

I would love the idea of you disappearing on the day they arrived, but I guess that wouldn't really be feasible. Plus the mess would probably e left for you to clear up, after them.

In relation to your MIL being direct, be equally direct in return.
It's amazing how such people do not at all like receiving the treatment they dish out.

BoredZelda · 22/09/2021 10:01

Nope. Not a chance.

unlikelytobe · 22/09/2021 10:11

DH's family seem tone deaf. Why would you impose yourself on someone when they're heavily pregnant? How can you insist on separate bedrooms in someone else's home?!

Do you live somewhere amazing and the big draw is staying in that location for free? What do they do when they stay? Do they help out?