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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to 7 house guests?

189 replies

Bex09787 · 21/09/2021 22:21

I just preface this with saying I’m a bit of a natural introvert..I love socialising for limited periods of time but like to have my space too, especially at home. The problem is my husbands family live miles away which means visits are always extended (1 week or so stays). I know this is part and parcel of being married and I found it fine till we had kids really then I just find it a bit much looking after baby / toddler and guests.

My husbands family usually come in smaller groups but they’ve asked if 7 of them (inc two toddlers) can come for 3 nights...I’ve had to say no but I feel like they probably think I’m being difficult! I’m 8 mths pregnant so pretty shattered and have a 21 month old. We do have a big house but not big enough for that many of them so would mean blow up beds in living room and hallway...just seems a bit much!

Husband has said he’s fine to say no but he’s said he would say yes himself so of course has told them it’s me that doesn’t want them rather than being a united front!

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 22/09/2021 07:39

If I knew you and knew your inlaws were like this, I'd be offering to host you a however-long-theyre staying baby shower, and of course you're dH of course understands you must put others wants above his for fear of being rude....GrinWink

MichelleScarn · 22/09/2021 07:40

Your not bloody you're dh!

Dunrovi · 22/09/2021 07:44

Not at 8 months pregnant, no way.
Maybe as part of a family Christmas or similar special occasion in the future.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 22/09/2021 07:46

In your shoes I'd be tempted to say that the doctor was worried and you need to be on bed rest.

DurhamDurham · 22/09/2021 07:49

We have family living all over the country and when we get together we'll put up those who we can accommodate in beds but I'd never offer to have more. I could stand to have people sleeping on the sofas or blow up beds, that would be very stressful.
We tend to have either those with very young babies stay with us or the very old, everyone else knows to book into hotels. We automatically book hotels if we're visiting family.

Be firm and stand your ground.

FreedomFaith · 22/09/2021 07:51

@Bex09787

They’d asked to do this when we had a 3 mth old before too (I said no then!)...he has a very big family but I come from a very small family so think we both just see it very differently. I think because our house is big they think it’ll be fine, we’ve got 3 spare bedrooms but his mum and dad won’t share a room so that’s two gone..another for sister in law and Partner, toddlers in the lounge and brother on the upstairs landing was the suggestion! Hmm
I get some people sleep in separate rooms at home to get some sleep if the other snores a lot, but if you can't even manage to be in the same room as the other for a few nights in someone else's house, perhaps they should get a divorce. They will have to suck it up for a few nights in future and I'd be telling them that, they either share like the big boy and girl they are, or they fuck off.

By the way op, I bet they all turn up in the future. You've said yes to 3, I bet the other 4 show up as well and go 'oh well we are here now you'll have to accommodate us'.

Comedycook · 22/09/2021 07:51

Sounds like hell on earth. If it went ahead, I wouldn't lift a finger. It would be up to dh and his family

RedToothBrush · 22/09/2021 07:52

You are 8 month pregnant and in lots of pain and can't possibly do anything and your husband is expecting you to be a hostess and is completely insensitive.

For god sake milk this for all its worth and refuse to do anything and keep complaining about how ill you feel.

Guilt the hell out of them.

Do nothing. And i mean do nothing.

Movinghouseatlast · 22/09/2021 07:56

I had this with my partners family.

We lived in a tiny two bedroom cottage and would get asked if 8 of them could stay!!! So blow up beds in the kitchen and sitting room, basically wall to wall people.

I easily pregnant and had no kids but it was a no from me. Like in your case my partner was fine with it and I was the big bad wolf.

A few years later they asked for 4 to stay, so two teenagers in our sitting room that you had to walk to to get to the kitchen. It was hell as they didn't move their stuff so we couldn't use the sitting room to sit in for a week!

Mothersister · 22/09/2021 08:00

Omg there’s absolutely no way I’d agree to all these visitors, whatever the circumstances. Good god you’re not a hotel! How inconsiderate of them to even ask when you’re heavily pregnant.

Yummymummy2020 · 22/09/2021 08:03

Not a hope until hell would I have agreed, you are right op! You would be mad😂 your husband shouldn’t have said it was you wanting it though, he needs to work on the united front thing😂

C8H10N4O2 · 22/09/2021 08:06

Husband has said he’s fine to say no but he’s said he would say yes himself so of course has told them it’s me that doesn’t want them rather than being a united front!

He plainly isn't fine to say 'no' if he runs to his family and blames you for being the big meany.

Having a large party you can't naturally accommodate should always be agreed between both householders. A grown up partner would simply say we love seeing you but we can't do 7 just at the moment.

Also don't fall into the trap of blaming hormones for a totally normal human reaction - too many women do this.

user1471538283 · 22/09/2021 08:07

7! Dear god! I take it that no matter how many come your DH is doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, entertaining?

I would have said yes and then moved out with the toddler. You could then visit for the odd hour.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/09/2021 08:10

Up to your DH to host them then, isn't it? Including all the shopping, cleaning and prep. I'm sure they'll all muck in with cooking, clearing up and toddler care.

I think I'd leave him to it and take to my bed.

BeggarsMeddle · 22/09/2021 08:11

Your husband is an idiot. And his family sound selfish imposing themselves on you at 8 months. If it were me I'd be doing zero whilst they were staying and I'd expect them to clean the house before they left... not just pack up their crap and leave.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/09/2021 08:11

No way

Only way would be

Parents share a room

Sister in law partner kids in another

Brother in 3rd

Tho obv when baby is here , a room will be theirs so 2 spare

Then what

GrandmaSteglitszch · 22/09/2021 08:21

@Goldbar

I'd let him have his family to stay.

And then I'd book myself an Airbnb for the duration of their visit and move out (leaving the toddler behind) so I could have a nice rest by myself before the baby arrives.

Then I'd make him send me pictures showing everything tidy and beds changed before I came back.

Excellent idea!

Even just suggesting to him that you intend to do that would be great.

clara443 · 22/09/2021 08:22

i'd book the hotel, and disappear for a few nights😁 I'd say I was under the weather but didn't want to spoil the fun😂
Let him do ALL the work, he'll be more considerate next time.

clara443 · 22/09/2021 08:23

and the not sharing a room....you don't get to dictate that at someone else's house.

VestaTilley · 22/09/2021 08:25

YANBU. Nobody needs 7 house guests - particularly not when you’re heavily pregnant!! It was rude of your DH’s family to invite themselves.

Your house, your right who to invite. DH has a right to invite family, of course, but it’s really not on when you’re heavily pregnant, and if you’re not up for it right now then that’s fine.

IdrisElbow · 22/09/2021 08:26

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beigebrownblue · 22/09/2021 08:27

@Goldbar

I'd let him have his family to stay.

And then I'd book myself an Airbnb for the duration of their visit and move out (leaving the toddler behind) so I could have a nice rest by myself before the baby arrives.

Then I'd make him send me pictures showing everything tidy and beds changed before I came back.

This.

Eight months pregnant and I was lucky enough to go on holiday a small DFDS cruise. I really enjoyed the buffet and we had a chaise long in our cabin. It was great.

ForkedIt · 22/09/2021 08:30

That sounds like actual hell.
For comparison, my DH pretty much laughed down the phone when my MiL suggested coming to visit when I was 39 weeks pregnant (and we have a 2yr old); he didn’t even bring the question to my door.

Choux · 22/09/2021 08:31

@Bex09787

I thought it seemed a bit mad but needed a sense check with pregnancy hormones at maximum. I’m pretty sure he agrees as he didn’t put up a fight but very convenient to blame it on me! His mum is really direct and they’re still coming (so only 3 of them now) and know she’ll comment on it...think it’s probably worth the awkwardness though
MIL: it's such a shame my other children aren't here and all 8 of us couldn't stay.

You: yes I'm sorry we had to refuse. in part the timing was bad with the birth being so close but with you and FIL refusing to share a room it means there isn't enough space here to do extended family stays. And it will be even more crowded here when our new family member arrives

IdrisElbow · 22/09/2021 08:33

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