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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to 7 house guests?

189 replies

Bex09787 · 21/09/2021 22:21

I just preface this with saying I’m a bit of a natural introvert..I love socialising for limited periods of time but like to have my space too, especially at home. The problem is my husbands family live miles away which means visits are always extended (1 week or so stays). I know this is part and parcel of being married and I found it fine till we had kids really then I just find it a bit much looking after baby / toddler and guests.

My husbands family usually come in smaller groups but they’ve asked if 7 of them (inc two toddlers) can come for 3 nights...I’ve had to say no but I feel like they probably think I’m being difficult! I’m 8 mths pregnant so pretty shattered and have a 21 month old. We do have a big house but not big enough for that many of them so would mean blow up beds in living room and hallway...just seems a bit much!

Husband has said he’s fine to say no but he’s said he would say yes himself so of course has told them it’s me that doesn’t want them rather than being a united front!

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 21/09/2021 23:26

Tell them No no and no. Say your midwife /dr says that you are to rest and have No stress. Tell your dh the same if need be.
Your inlaws are out of their minds . Your home your rules and that means no cfs

RubyGoat · 21/09/2021 23:35

Tell him, if this happens, he will be doing everything required to facilitate it. All housework, cooking, tidying etc. Before, during & after. You are heavily pregnant & need to rest & relax, for the good of the baby. If they are coming to stay, you presume it's to help you & make your life easier; if not, they should not be staying. Bear in mind you may need to be doing batch cooking, for after the baby comes, & any last minute preparations, so he needs to ensure he/they actively assist with that too, if you feel like this could be helpful! As you'd probably be sorting this out in the last month or so, but if they're in the way...

Wishihadanalgorithm · 21/09/2021 23:35

If DH come, OP, do nothing to facilitate this visit. Not planning, shopping, cleaning, cooking or anything. Midwife has told you that you need to rest as you are displaying signs of stress so you stay put with feet up and the visitors will be well placed to look after you and play with toddler.

Anything other than this is just crazy.

Make it super clear to DH that he has to do everything for this visit and you will not be lifting a finger. If he is so keen to see them, he does the work.

I’d even speak directly to midwife and tell them everything. Wonder if they could speak to DH and tell him this is a terribly unfair thing to impose on you?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 21/09/2021 23:37

“If DH’s family come” the first line should say!

Mistymoors · 21/09/2021 23:43

Absolutely no way would I entertain this !

grapewine · 21/09/2021 23:46

It just would never happen. I had three one time, and it was not a good idea.

What the fuck is he thinking? Just no.

NowEvenBetter · 21/09/2021 23:56

Your husband needs to sort this nonsense himself, not feebly palm it off onto you. Or tell your husband you will be staying at a hotel and he will be hosting, cleaning and parenting alone for the duration, since he wants the house clogged up with —fire hazards— people.

DPotter · 22/09/2021 00:06

Husband has said he’s fine to say no but he’s said he would say yes himself so of course has told them it’s me that doesn’t want them rather than being a united front!

At the point where your DH is 4 weeks away from pushing out a watermelon through his perineum, he can agree to people staying overnight. Until that happens it's a no from me.

Stand firm Bex - say no to 'just' the 3 as well. Unless he's going to take time off work pre-visit to get the house ready and post visit to tidy up. Not a betting woman but willing to put a tenner on that not happening.

Time to channel Nancy - Just Say No !!

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 22/09/2021 00:28

Toddler in the lounge, on an airbed? Just no!
Where do the adults go once little Petunia is asleep at 8pm? What happens when Petunia wakes up at 5 am, alone, in a strange pkace, and runs amok through your home?
I can't believe the sheer idiocy of your husband and his family!

toomuchlaundry · 22/09/2021 00:35

If they came I would be decamping to a hotel and leave your DH to get on with it (including your toddler)

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/09/2021 00:39

OMG why would you even say yes? And your husband is an arse for putting the blame on you.

I'm assuming he was thinking you would do all the cooking and cleaning and hosting? Tell him to do it if he wants them to come and stay.

MilesOfSand · 22/09/2021 00:59

Apart from all the rest of the very good reasons, it’s probably not a great time to be in an enclosed space with seven extra people, including unvaccinated when you’re in late pregnancy.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2021 01:09

Sorry but his mum and dad won't share a room so everyone else has to share a hallway and a living room?

Fuck

That

Noise

DrankEnoughToDrown · 22/09/2021 01:12

I wouldn’t mind as we have the room but I wouldn’t be looking after them all. There’s enough of them that at 8 months pregnant they could take care of all the cooking and cleaning between then.

If I thought the expectation was for me to look after them and we didn’t have the room then I’d say no too. They can book a hotel.

Driftingblue · 22/09/2021 01:26

My sibling and I discovered these great places called hotels. They have them almost everywhere. We use them when we want to visit and it makes the visit so much more enjoyable for everyone.

HadEnoughofOtherThreads · 22/09/2021 01:31

HELL No. And that’s without being pregnant!

Our big extended families are well aware that our spare room is not spare. Plus, they do not live far away enough to not be able to sleep at their own home.
We’re a busy household and do not need any unnecessary disruption/drama.

Your MIL can be as direct as she wants. No means ‘no’.

A nice hotel break sounds nice, but you shouldn’t have to leave your home especially at your stage of pregnancy. Plus, that won’t go down well at all and who will clean up the aftermath before you return home?

Say no to any of them staying, not even three of them.
If any of them barge themselves into your home, you do absolutely nothing as you’re on bed rest. Ensure your DH is well aware of the plan and HIS responsibilities during their stay.

BathMatToe · 22/09/2021 01:46

Idiots.
Just madness. 8months pregnant. Like anyone wants guests at that stage.

timeisnotaline · 22/09/2021 01:56

I missed this bit His mum is really direct and they’re still coming (so only 3 of them now) and know she’ll comment on it...
3 rules if he doesn’t want to leave with his family

  1. He does all the work
  2. He stops any criticism, without any blame or focus on you. He must say things like ‘I don’t think you’re being fair Mum.’ ‘I’m surprised you’d expect us to host so many knowing op is exhausted.’ Using you (to his mum) and I think / I feel. His thoughts.
  3. If he doesn’t deliver all visitors leave immediately, plus him.
BreadInCaptivity · 22/09/2021 02:00

WTF have I just read....

Imposing 7 guests on a house with a woman 8 months pregnant and your DH would probably say "yes".

The mind boggles.

The ask is utterly ridiculous. Even more so in the light that your PIL expect their own bedrooms to the point others would be sleeping in hallways.

Your husband needs a kick in the bollocks. He doesn't get to use you as an excuse to say no to a ludicrous suggestion.

When the reduced party come and MIL "comments" don't take any crap.

Having 7 people to stay is hard work at the best of times (we host for Christmas every year due to size of house and location and can have 8/12 on the day and of those 6/8 stay over) and there is no way I'd do that in late pregnancy (and to be fair our family really help out over Christmas as they understand the burden of hosting, so basically are the "best" guests).

Upshot is your PIL are batshit and your DH is a spineless twit.

Italiangreyhound · 22/09/2021 02:07

If your husband is keen to entertain 7 guests and look after your toddler maybe he will spring for a hotel so you can stay elsewhere and pamper yourself.

But it looks like you are lumbered with three guests now, so hopefully that will be a doddle for your DH.

"know she’ll comment" Whatever your MIL says, just say "I’m 8 mths pregnant so pretty shattered and have a 21 month old." In fact you could go into labour at any time so really they are all being very selfish.

NumberTheory · 22/09/2021 03:07

I tend to love that sort of squashing in together but not at 8 months pregnant or with a babe in arms!

Also, though, I think your PIL are unreasonable to ask you to host so many but not be prepared to share a room. They want their personal needs met at the expense of everyone else in the house. That’s bad form.

If she comments on you not being up for having all seven of them in some way I’d be tempted to call her out on it - tell her it might great for her to come stay somewhere with a room to herself but you don’t find it all enjoyable to be tripping over people in the lounge when your 8 months pregnant and she should perhaps practice being a bit more grateful for what she does get.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/09/2021 04:57

I think they are cheeky to ask to be honest, it's pretty obvious most people wouldnt be up for that many guests at 8 months pregnant.

A PP said this -

I'd let him have his family to stay.

And then I'd book myself an Airbnb for the duration of their visit and move out (leaving the toddler behind) so I could have a nice rest by myself before the baby arrives.

Then I'd make him send me pictures showing everything tidy and beds changed before I came back.

And I think it's good advice. I'd suggest this as am alternative. His brother can then kip in with your husband. You can go and visit some friends or family for parents for a few days. And hopefully he will appreciate just how much work it is having that number of guests when he has to do everything himself.

And his parents should share a room, I think its mad that people have to sleep on the floor as they need separate rooms!

Withgasoliiiiine · 22/09/2021 05:12

Wow, talk about a rhino's hide, 3 of them still coming! You're almost at full term with a toddler, if they want to visit before the baby comes they should get an air bnb so you can relax

HomeTheatreSystem · 22/09/2021 05:17

I absolutely love having houseguests but at 8 months pregnant??? Absolutely no way, not even one guest would be acceptable let alone 7!

SarahBellam · 22/09/2021 05:26

I'd do it IF my DH did all the work - the pre-cleaning, the shopping, the hosting, the cooking, the cleaning, making teas and coffees, providing drinks, planned the trips to the park, and did the post-cleaning. I suspect part of your reluctance is because you'll end up doing all of that.