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Original poster

Which is harder, being a stay at home parent or working full time?

292 replies

guac · 21/09/2021 11:12

I know this will probably vary dependent on the number of children and the type of job. Let's assume the hours of the job and SAHP are Mon to Fri 9-5. Not trying to bash either role by the way, just interested in peoples opinions

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/09/2021 07:32

@Willyoujustbequiet

Definitely SAHP.

I've done both and as a lone parent with no support SAHP was far harder.

In fact I don't know anyone in real life who thinks it's easier.

I found the opposite. I'm a working single parent and I have to get up at 5am to get ready, get DS to breakfast club on time, then I have to spend evenings doing housework after he's gone to bed. Never had to do that as a SAHP, I could do it in the daytime. Plus now I have a manager to answer to and responsibilities at work as well as at home.
gogohm · 22/09/2021 07:33

If you work full time you still need to do a lot of the household tasks when you are not working unless you have a full time housekeeper so of course working full time is harder from a logistics point of view but some parents find looking after young children all day long really hard to cope with so choose to work despite the stress even though they don't have to (Many have to work or need to for career progression, I'm ignoring those, I'm talking about those with a choice).

I was a sahm for 8 years, unlike my working friends I was able to clean, cook, do washing, mow the lawn etc during the weekdays so come the weekends we had family time rather then house cleaning!

beigebrownblue · 22/09/2021 07:33

Just to throw this into the mix...
Single parents come in many shapes and sizes.
Depending on how your ex behaves...dealing with them (as well as kids) can be exhausting in itself, especially if nowadays you have to represent yourself in court etc.

On the other hand, you are the captain of the ship and whether you work full time, part time or SAHP there are aspects of this that are easier than having two parents.

flippertyop · 22/09/2021 07:34

@Waxonwaxoff0 didn't say they were easy I said equivalent. Being a SAHM of a two year old isn't easy. But neither are comparable to being a surgeon are they?

MarshaBradyo · 22/09/2021 07:37

@flippertyop

Well I guess if you are stacking shelves or in the tills maybe they are about the same. Although you have more flexibility as a SAHP. Any type of career type job there is no comparison. Only people who have never done a job like that seem to think there is
Do you mean a career job is always harder?

I don’t agree ime it was the nature of the role that made it better. Plus really good flexible childcare and school age dc helped

TalkedTooMuchStayedTooLong · 22/09/2021 07:37

Depends on so many factors! Single or in a partnership? Supportive partner or not? Income? Number of children? Ages of children? Parent's own personality?

I've done both... 3 kids...with a unsupportive partner whilst they were young and then as a single parent now they're secondary age.

As an introvert I loved being a SAHP and everything ran very smoothly despite me doing all housework/ life admin/ childcare.

Now I'm working life is much more hectic... I do less housework anyway as I have a cleaner once a week and the kids are old enough to help, childcare is less of an issue/ very different... I'd say life is easier now, but that's likely more down to the age of the children and getting shot of the ex than it is working vs staying at home...

MarshaBradyo · 22/09/2021 07:38

I think the posts that generalise as pp re type of job don’t follow for everyone.

Too many variables for someone as a sahm or ft working

Miseryl · 22/09/2021 07:41

@lwonder08 on the contrary, I've had stressful demanding senior position since before my youngest was born, with a lot of responsibility and a long commute. I would still find it easier than staying at home which would make quite ill (mentally unwell).

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 22/09/2021 07:42

Depends on the set up

I was a sahp for small kids , with no family or friends nearby, and a husband who had to travel for work 2 weeks every month. My oldest had severe reflux and cried 3-4 hours a day. That was HARD. Hardest thing ever.

School age kids in friendly village with lots of friends with same age kids? You’re laughing then, very pleasant to be sahp, saved my sanity after first 6 yrs

So it all depends on the set up

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 22/09/2021 07:55

I don't think that can really be answered. All depends on various factors.

I work full time, so does my DP plus he has a part time job too. we also do full time childcare between us and both are exhausting. I honestly don't know which I hate doing the most.

I find that working all day makes me tired and short tempered so when I take over the childcare after work so my DP can go to work, I'm cranky and have zero tolerance for my toddler fucking about refusing to eat etc. When I'm doing daytime childcare I'm bored most of the time and counting down the 13-14hrs my DP is at work.

EekThreek · 22/09/2021 08:06

As others have said, it depends on so many factors. I've been both at various points, with increasing number of children. For me, they were both equally as hard. As a SAHM, I found it hard to be constantly responsible for finding things to do, entertain, distract them so I could do housework in peace. On the flip side, there was hardly any time pressure and doing nothing some days was equally as valid as doing everything other days.
As a working parent, it's hard balancing multiple routines, settings and clubs, and the kids are more tired because we don't pick them up until 6, so dinner and homework tasks all have to be squeezed in before bed, but everybody gets out of the house for mental stimulation and I feel much more valued for it.

I think we can all agree that the hardest parenting is staying at home while working and homeschooling during lockdowns. The worst of all worlds - can't distract the kids with normal clubs, no time apart from each to develop as individuals, no support from family and friends, but all the same expectations of working and schooling and parenting to keep everyone sane and happy. For that matter, any crisis parenting in a pandemic is harder than the sahp/wohp debate.

yoyo1234 · 22/09/2021 08:09

For me SAHM is more difficult but it depends on person and job. I'm back at work following maternity and love it. DH would probably agree with me (and he has about one of the most stressful jobs there could be in a pandemicWink).

TidyDancer · 22/09/2021 08:12

For me, SAHM was way easier and I wouldn't argue I had 'easy' babies. My job is 8:30-5 so pretty much as per the OP scenario. It's stressful in the sense of terrible upper management and bullies not dealt with.

OhGiveUp · 22/09/2021 08:26

I found being a SAHP an absolute doddle. Once I'd got the kids to school on a morning, I had until i collected them the rest of the day to do what I wanted, when I wanted.

babouchette · 22/09/2021 08:27

Working full time with young DC is killing me. I think it'll be easier when they're older so I'm not going to stop working, but I am always exhausted and my house is perpetually chaotic and messy. I found being on mat leave much easier but babies are easier than toddlers!

vivainsomnia · 22/09/2021 08:31

I really don't get those who say that being a SAHM is harder than working FT. Unless you have 5 kids plus, or little terrors and don't know how to discipline, or you feel that you have to entertain them every second of the day, or your FT job is a piece in the cake, mainly involving socialising with your colleague, how can it be easier?

I was always FT mum, single too for many years since they were toddlers, worked in a quite demanding job, and the weeks I took off during the holidays, so both at home FT was an absolute breeze compared to our life whilst I worked.

Cirin · 22/09/2021 08:39

Define 'hard'.

It's a stupid question. I love my job and have a well paid, exciting career. I loved being a SAHM. Neither of these reflect the working poor, or people on zero hours, or who live hard lives.

'Hard' is what whiny kids call their homework. If you want to know about the various benefits and challenges of adult life than ask about that, but 'is it hard' is a juvenile view.

JoborPlay · 22/09/2021 08:42

@vivainsomnia

I really don't get those who say that being a SAHM is harder than working FT. Unless you have 5 kids plus, or little terrors and don't know how to discipline, or you feel that you have to entertain them every second of the day, or your FT job is a piece in the cake, mainly involving socialising with your colleague, how can it be easier?

I was always FT mum, single too for many years since they were toddlers, worked in a quite demanding job, and the weeks I took off during the holidays, so both at home FT was an absolute breeze compared to our life whilst I worked.

I found being a SAHM mentally difficult. Touched out, like I had no value, no time for me or to be me. The housework was never done because we were always creating more mess.

Now I work full-time, the school holidays I take off are very very different to doing it full time and I enjoy it much more. It's the monotony that got me.

MattyGroves · 22/09/2021 08:42

I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone is the same. I think many people would find my job harder and more stressful than being a SAHM. I don't - I find looking after two under 5s very hard work and any extra few mins to do housework more than outweighed by the work they create. And I don't think they are little terrors but if they are home, I have to make them more meals and clear up and get them to tidy their toys etc

whenwillthemadnessend · 22/09/2021 08:45

Definitely working.

I work part time but the days I work the washing piles up the house gets messier. Exercise and time For me is impossible.
Everything is harder to keep on top of.

Part time is definitely the right balance for me. I'd never go full time again.

KnuckleUp · 22/09/2021 08:46

Most mums have experienced both.
I have 2 DC close in age- for me working is harder.

Confusedandshaken · 22/09/2021 08:47

I was mainly a SAHM, I just worked PT occasionally when money was tight. There is no question that combining parenting with working outside the home is harder. It's often more fun/stimulating but the sheer relentless pressure of it is so much harder. As a SAHM you can declare the occasional duvet day when you all lie in, no one gets dressed and you can build a fort and potter and mess around all day. There's no luxury like that when you have a workplace to get to.

Katieandthekids · 22/09/2021 08:48

Done SAHM thing for my twins for 16 months and now working two days a week. I think mentally working a bit is easier but I couldn't work full time yet coz my mum guilt would eat me alive. About to go on Mat leave again for my third bambino and I think it will feel quite weird.

Antsinyourpanta · 22/09/2021 08:55

I was a SAHM to mine when they were babies/pre school age and I did find it hard (baby stage particularly) especially on days with no adult interaction. However once they were school age I went back to work pt and am now ft but it would be infinitely easier to be a SAHM to them now. (Especially as I know lots of other sahm) I'm even looking forward to wfh one day next week which I can very rarely do, because I can do things like put laundry on or start making dinner an hour earlier as u wont need to commute.

THisbackwithavengeance · 22/09/2021 08:56

When I was 18 I au-paired for a wealthy family in Germany. The women had been a management consultant somewhere like Price Waterhouse before giving it up to have 3 children.

She used to talk about how the 'real work' began when she gave up her job to be a SAHM

Given that she had an au pair (I worked 9 to 3 daily plus babysitting) a daily cleaner and someone who came in twice a week for laundry, I wasn't entirely convinced.