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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which is harder, being a stay at home parent or working full time?

292 replies

guac · 21/09/2021 11:12

I know this will probably vary dependent on the number of children and the type of job. Let's assume the hours of the job and SAHP are Mon to Fri 9-5. Not trying to bash either role by the way, just interested in peoples opinions

OP posts:
TolpuddleFarter · 22/09/2021 07:02

I am a SAHM. It is absolutely so much easier than working full time, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's not like the full time workers don't have children to look after too...

AlexaShutUp · 22/09/2021 07:05

I get that being a SAHP can be relentless and dull. And being a SAHP for twins/triplets or for children with complex medical needs must be very challenging. However, excepting those circumstances, I have never understood what's so hard about being a SAHP to healthy NT children.

I think working is far harder, but I guess it depends on the kind of job as well. If you're used to doing piss easy jobs with no responsibility, then I guess being a SAHP is going to be harder than if you are used to something very challenging and stressful.

switswoo81 · 22/09/2021 07:07

Without commenting on the original op at this moment in time I think being at home is definitely easier. School will send home any child who coughs and the absolute fear of getting that phone call and telling work you are going home or realising a child is too sick for school/creche . It's a constant worry for both of us
Being at home removes all that fear and conflict.

Wallywobbles · 22/09/2021 07:08

If it was only 9-5 maybe comparable but it's not. So SAHP much harder. I used to dread the holidays as so relentless. And that's despite the fact that I went back at 13 weeks 4/5 time. (Very normal for France).

Goldbar · 22/09/2021 07:08

I’m gonna guess working IF there isn’t a SAHP there.

This. Having a SAHP makes all the diffence as a working parent. It means you're not always having to try desperately to keep all the plates spinning.

Imo working a 9-5 job AND being default parent is more stressful than working much longer hours and having a SAHP to pick up the slack.

Antsinyourpanta · 22/09/2021 07:08

There are way too many variables to say either way.
Depends on age and number of children, whether any have SEN or additional needs, what hours the other parent works and whether they are equally active in parenting/doing stuff at home, actual job, commuting hours, Whether they have any family support or outsource any tasks etc etc

theseoldbone · 22/09/2021 07:08

There is no answer to this because of wildly varying situations available on both sides.

I've done both. Being a SAHP is a totally different kind of hard. You dont have targets, appraisals, fear of being fired, expectation to be dressed/made up a certain way, arsehole colleagues/clients, childcare worries... the list is endless.

What you do have is boredom, monotony, no definition between start and end of work, no solo walk in to town on your lunchbreak or lunch with friends, no quite coffee break. Also the worry of only one income can be crushing.

Your children see you as default parent so even when your partner is home it's you who does the work. In my experience anyway.

I had a cleaner through both roles which helped massively.

The only thing I can't see as an argument is that sahp parents of school age children can possibly find it as hard work as working parents.

Assuming the kids don't have SEN, what can be hard about 6 hours to yourself every day??

PullTheWeeds · 22/09/2021 07:10

For me, working full time before children was easier that being a sahm. Now working full time and having children is harder because you still have a lot to do when you get home. Even if it's 50/50 with your partner, there's a lot more to 50/50 that there was pre kids.

If you're comparing 2 adults in the same situation/household one ft worker one sahp, then I'd say the worker has a harder job if they also pull their weight at home but if they come home and do nothing because they've 'been at work all day' then I think the sahp has the harder (and much more relentless) job.

I used to feel sorry for dp, coming home and having another (parent) shift to complete after his paid work but I also felt sorry for me pulling a double (parent) shift haha! Managing a family is just hard work I suppose if you're involved, regardless of what you do in the daytime.

Hobbitfeet32 · 22/09/2021 07:12

I’m intrigued as to what all these jobs are that allow a long lunch or stroll into town or lots of coffee breaks. I’m in a very busy NHS job and barely have time to go to the loo!

Elephantsparade · 22/09/2021 07:13

This is very interesting because nearly all fathers work full time wheras more mothers are sahp or work part time so looking at many of these responses it looks like fatherhood is seen as harder than motherhood in general terms

sst1234 · 22/09/2021 07:14

@Iwonder08

People who find a full time job easier than being sahm (unless there is some sort of special needs involved) just never had a job with enough responsibilities. Being sahm is just parenting, being in FT job is a bloody hard work on top of parenting with some sprinkles of guilt for not being there for your child all the time.
Agree 100%
Willyoujustbequiet · 22/09/2021 07:16

Definitely SAHP.

I've done both and as a lone parent with no support SAHP was far harder.

In fact I don't know anyone in real life who thinks it's easier.

MattyGroves · 22/09/2021 07:16

@Hobbitfeet32

I’m intrigued as to what all these jobs are that allow a long lunch or stroll into town or lots of coffee breaks. I’m in a very busy NHS job and barely have time to go to the loo!
Most senior office jobs you manage your own time. I am a senior public sector manager and I sometimes work very late as the role requires but sometimes can take some of that time back with a lunch or coffee with a colleague
LastToBePicked · 22/09/2021 07:21

As pretty much everyone else has said, it depends.

Overall I loved being on maternity leave BUT that is quite different to being a SAHP, as knowing it is time-limited totally changes the dynamic of it.

My youngest has just started school and I work 4 days pw, with lots of flexibility and I think this might be my ideal balance.

flippertyop · 22/09/2021 07:22

Well I guess if you are stacking shelves or in the tills maybe they are about the same. Although you have more flexibility as a SAHP. Any type of career type job there is no comparison. Only people who have never done a job like that seem to think there is

Miseryl · 22/09/2021 07:23

The only time I have been a SAHM was maternity leave and I was definitely ready for both sets to end. It would drive me mad being at home all day, to the point of becoming depressed. I would always work or do something out of the house, even if I didn't need to financially.

flippertyop · 22/09/2021 07:23

@MattyGroves lucky you - I'm lucky to get a toilet break - particularly since Covid when everyone zooms back to back

BuffyFanForever · 22/09/2021 07:23

SAHM hands down harder in my opinion...other “jobs” you get to speak to other people and can move away/ take a break etc if having a not great time. Never get even a seconds break from parenting

Miseryl · 22/09/2021 07:26

@Elephantsparade I work significantly longer hours than DP, have a longer commute and earn more than him. He looks after the kids far more than me and does more around the house. There are a few other women I know in this position, it is becoming more common.

YouJustDoYou · 22/09/2021 07:26

I am a SAHM. It is absolutely so much easier than working full time, don't let anyone tell you otherwise

ENTIRELY depends on the age of the kid, the temperament, do they sleep etc. My first born was a nightmare, work was so, SO much easier than having to raise him (he and his sister's are great now). But toddlerhood was hell. Work for me personally was a piece of cake compared to those hellish years as a sahp.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/09/2021 07:26

@flippertyop

Well I guess if you are stacking shelves or in the tills maybe they are about the same. Although you have more flexibility as a SAHP. Any type of career type job there is no comparison. Only people who have never done a job like that seem to think there is
Bit dismissive of those type of jobs. Just because they're not "career" type jobs doesn't mean they're easy.
Fizbosshoes · 22/09/2021 07:28

In fact I don't know anyone in real life who thinks it's easier.

I know of several SAHM of NT teens. They have well paid DHs and most outsource cleaning, ironing etc. Going to the gym, having hair or nails done, shopping, meeting friends for coffee or lunch, visiting art galleries etc seems easier than working 9-5 , commuting and trying to fit spending time with kids and leisure activities around that, but who knows...?

LifesNotDoneYet · 22/09/2021 07:30

I don't agree - I'm a senior lawyer and find my work much easier than being at home.

At work I'm valued, listened to, I have adult conversations and it's not just drudgery and physically exhausting work the whole time. Yes there are nice bits of being a SAHP, lovely bits, but in general I find my working days much less ardous and energy-sapping.

isitweds9thseptyet · 22/09/2021 07:31

I have never been one apart from two year long maternity leaves. But i would say being a SAHP would have been the hardest for me. But i think it really depends on your personality and situation.

SAHP reduces the guilt factor of being a working parent and is of course good
For kids. But never having time apart at all, never having decent adult conversation, lack of mental stimulation and challenge and always being in mum mode would not have worked for me. I needed my own identity too. I would also have worried about money, and my career too much to enjoy it. And personally our relationship would have felt unbalance and my then partner was lazy and would have happily left all the work to me 'because i was a SAHP'. I think i was a better mum because i worked part time.

I admire SAHP hugely. Their stamina. Their dedication and selflessness. Their ability to put what they think is best for their kids before their own wants and needs. Their patience and constant ideas for where to go and what to do. They are brilliant. And i think going out to work is easier.

I now work full time and am still a good mum.

Nodancingshoes · 22/09/2021 07:31

Both are hard but working full time is more stressful. You have to try to fit in all the parenting things on top of your job instead of that being your job IFYSWIM. That's not to say that being a SAHP is a walk in the park - I know that it is not