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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding date problem

156 replies

scrapingalongthebottom · 21/09/2021 10:47

DC is marrying someone from another European country and they plan to get married there. They have chosen their wedding date for the summer without a courtesy check with myself and DH. DH is a teacher and they have chosen a school day, which is pretty tricky for him. Because the wedding is in another country, travelling there and back will add further days to the wedding. They are refusing to consider other dates and say they have made their mind up with no explanation to us about why this date is essential. DH and I feel pretty gutted that a) everything has been arranged without telling us. b) they knowingly chose a date they knew DH will be teaching. AIBU?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 21/09/2021 10:50

Gosh, that’s pretty bad. Do they understand this may mean you literally can’t attend?

Try to talk some more. You must be gutted.

maddy68 · 21/09/2021 10:51

I'm a teacher. In every school I've worked in they would allow time off for that (unpaid )

Dunrovi · 21/09/2021 10:51

It's your child. Would you rather stay at home and not bother with the wedding than move mountains and take unpaid leave to join your DC on their wedding day?
It's not considerate of them to pick such a difficult date, I do understand that - but you say yourself you have no idea of the reasons for doing so. There might be one.
Some talking would not go amiss here - it doesn't sound like there has been much of that.

maddy68 · 21/09/2021 10:52

And in fairness they must have chosen that date for a reason perhaps it's special to them.

Neveranynamesleft · 21/09/2021 10:52

Can see both sides of this tbh. It's their day so can do as they wish but obviously you, and probably lots of other people, want to join them.
Can DH approach the school head / governors and explain the situation? If you dont ask then you dont get !

Crunchymum · 21/09/2021 10:54

I assume DH is not the child's father?

Still a horrible snub for him.

Will you go without him?

Original poster
scrapingalongthebottom · 21/09/2021 10:55

DH is the child's father

OP posts:
TinnedPotatoesRock · 21/09/2021 10:55

Do you have a close relationship with your son and DIL to be?

Original poster
scrapingalongthebottom · 21/09/2021 10:56

A close relationship with DC, a friendly but polite relationship with their partner

OP posts:
Original poster
scrapingalongthebottom · 21/09/2021 10:59

It's more the fact it has been arranged without telling us even though there is a bit of a problem. Nobody has said they realise it could be tricky but can we see if we can get round it. It's all sorted without telling us

OP posts:
BingBongToTheMoon · 21/09/2021 11:07

That’s a shame.
Have you spoken to your child and explained this? Maybe they haven’t realised that you both might not be able to attend.

maddy68 · 21/09/2021 11:13

Honestly I don't know why you think you should be consulted over dates. Certain dates will be inconvenient for many of their guests there may also be reasons for choosing this date that you are unaware of.

Chloemol · 21/09/2021 11:18

@maddy68

Did you read the post! The father is a teacher, therefore it’s highly unlikely he can get time off, and any child of a teacher would be aware of that

Personally I think it shows they don’t care about the parents. I would be wanting my parents to attend, and would choose a date accordingly

TheLadyGrayson · 21/09/2021 11:27

You’re not being unreasonable to be hurt by this. I made sure my immediate family could make my wedding date before I confirmed it and would have rearranged the date if they couldn’t. I’m sorry but the fact they’ve booked it during the school holidays seems like they don’t care if you come or not. It’s the absolute basics if you know a teacher - what’s your son thinking?? ☹️

Veeeeeeeee · 21/09/2021 11:34

Well that's really weird! Why on earth would they do that? ConfusedAre there any other signs that they, or one of them, is trying to spoil the relationship between you all?

Original poster
scrapingalongthebottom · 21/09/2021 11:36

@Veeeeeeeee

Well that's really weird! Why on earth would they do that? ConfusedAre there any other signs that they, or one of them, is trying to spoil the relationship between you all?
Unfortunately we suspect this
OP posts:
SheABitSpicyToday · 21/09/2021 11:38

Never occurred to us to check dates with anyone. You can either make it or you can’t.

StrawBeretMoose · 21/09/2021 11:41

My mum was a teacher and had unpaid leave to travel to a family wedding.
It's next summer so plenty of notice.

I would say it's a bit of a pain but not impossible.

EL8888 · 21/09/2021 11:43

I’m tickled by the courtesy check Hmm It’s their wedding so they why would they ask other people, it’s up to them and finding a venue (s) to accommodate. Obviously being mindful that some dates will be less well attended e.g. Christmas Eve, Monday’s etc. But their wedding = their way. Unless there is a back story we aren’t aware of e.g. you paying for it, organising it etc

PegasusReturns · 21/09/2021 11:46

Honestly I don't know why you think you should be consulted over dates. Certain dates will be inconvenient for many of their guests there may also be reasons for choosing this date that you are unaware of

This is peak contrary MN Grin

Of course you check the dates with your parents, unless of course there is some big backstory which means you’re barely on speaking terms!

INeed2P · 21/09/2021 11:51

I'm not sure if this is for everyone - but my MIL (teacher, head of department) was allowed to take leave to attend our wedding. My friend is a teacher and is taking time off for his wedding next year.

Surely your DHs school will allow leave for the wedding of a child?

Personally, with everything that's been going on due to covid (and now 2 years of weddings being re arranged) it's harder to come by dates than it was before, if there's a reason behind the date then there is a reason behind it. If your DS wanted to check with you, he would have done. I wouldn't be portioning blame to your DIL.

Original poster
scrapingalongthebottom · 21/09/2021 11:52

I haven't said I have a son or a DIL

OP posts:
Tiredmum122 · 21/09/2021 11:53

It is poor form on your son's part not to consider his father's job, however if they want a certain place or date perhaps they just had to go for it. As the child of a teacher I have spent my adult life working round the school year, as has my poor DF. Smile, inwardly sigh and book the time unpaid.

DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight · 21/09/2021 11:53
  1. If it’s abroad then a number of guests will have to travel, having it in term time not only keeps the costs down for them but everyone else too. It can cost double or more during the school holidays which I’m sure you know.
  1. I have many teachers in my family & they’ve all been able to take time off for weddings of close family members so it’s definitely possible with notice so hopefully something can be arranged.
  1. It’s interesting that you think you should have a say on wedding date, I imagine if they had discussed it with you first then you would have “argued” & tried to change the date just like you’re doing now. I have people in my life like this & I find the best way to deal with them is to present things as fait compli. I imagine they’re also starting as they mean to go on & letting everyone know that they are not planning their wedding by committee & things are not up for negotiation. One of the first things to be decided is wedding date & the disagreements have started already; it’s going to be a very long & painful planning process if they’re expected to run details by everyone & deal with this sort of reaction each time. Having a discussion only invites opinions so there’s not much point in doing that if they don’t actually want anyone’s opinions.
Veeeeeeeee · 21/09/2021 11:54

It’s their wedding so they why would they ask other people,
Most people want their own mother at their wedding!

If you suspect that your adult child is marrying someone who is trying to alienate them from their family then you need to be cautious and think of the longer term.

If this is the case I would make absolutely no fuss whatsoever and be very positive about the date. 'How wonderful! June/November weddings are fabulous etc. '

Get your dh to see if he can get unpaid leave. Then go to the wedding with or without your husband. Don't let yourself be railroaded out of your son or daughter's life. You almost need to treat this like a very high stakes game.

Let your son or daughter know that you will always be there for them no matter what.