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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding date problem

156 replies

scrapingalongthebottom · 21/09/2021 10:47

DC is marrying someone from another European country and they plan to get married there. They have chosen their wedding date for the summer without a courtesy check with myself and DH. DH is a teacher and they have chosen a school day, which is pretty tricky for him. Because the wedding is in another country, travelling there and back will add further days to the wedding. They are refusing to consider other dates and say they have made their mind up with no explanation to us about why this date is essential. DH and I feel pretty gutted that a) everything has been arranged without telling us. b) they knowingly chose a date they knew DH will be teaching. AIBU?

OP posts:
LublinToDublin · 21/09/2021 16:25

@DogInATent

It's there day, not yours. I can understand that.

Check dates with parents? - we didn't invite parents or family from either side to our wedding. There was a party a few months later for family. Our actual wedding was just for a very small number of people that were important to us. Maybe it's hint.

That's exactly why I'd be upset!

It really does feel like the dc in the op is hinting that having their parents there is not important.

If there are particular people you want at your wedding you liaise and make that happen. Not doing this and knowing that term time is very difficult for the DF seems to be sending a very clear message.

I would be hurt OP

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/09/2021 16:26

I love the confidence with which some people assert that a teacher can have some time off, without knowing anything about their particular school. Maybe he can arrange this quite easily but maybe not - a school could take the view that it isn't their responsibility to prioritise the employee's attendance at their child's wedding, when it clearly isn't that important to the child themselves!

Zilla1 · 21/09/2021 16:29

Have seen overseas weddings weaponised with dates selected to prevent family from one spouse's side being able to easily attend. In retrospect as a relatively objective outsider, it looked all of a piece with the future trajectory of family life where one spouse appears to view their family as having a thick line drawn around the two spouses and their subsequent children, unless they need money or childcare on the spouses' terms.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/09/2021 16:36

Exactly it’s not guaranteed teacher will be granted day off. Dad may have already had leave for funerals or medical appointments and feel it’s an ask too far.
All those saying Dad just needs to request time off would no doubt be complaining if yr 6 residential is cancelled as Sir is off 3 days for his sons wedding or the head of yr 7 isn’t available at the start of the year and your child is struggling to settle etc. It’s not just a couple of hours off due to location.

Granllanog · 21/09/2021 16:44

I think it is a huge snub to your parents to set a wedding date knowing full well it could be problematic for them to attend.
I am a school governor and we have a fixed rule of no time off in term time..........this includes weddings. There are over 100 staff in the school and we used to be more flexible with requests but it became unworkable..........

Notonthestairs · 21/09/2021 16:59

@SpiderinaWingMirror

If your Dad is a teacher, you know that time off during term is difficult. On that basis yanbu.
This sums it up really.
Holskey · 21/09/2021 17:08

Quite a few people I know are now deciding to get married without their friends and family there. It's about perspective. In this couple's perspective, either it isn't important for them to have his parents there (which doesn't necessarily imply bad feelings) or they didn't think about anybody else's convenience. Obviously the OP and her son are at odds on this, but I'm of the view that people should have the weddings they want. There are so many arguments over weddings!

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 21/09/2021 17:15

@Holskey

Quite a few people I know are now deciding to get married without their friends and family there. It's about perspective. In this couple's perspective, either it isn't important for them to have his parents there (which doesn't necessarily imply bad feelings) or they didn't think about anybody else's convenience. Obviously the OP and her son are at odds on this, but I'm of the view that people should have the weddings they want. There are so many arguments over weddings!
It’s odd isn’t it, how things change. People used to want their family and friends with them to help them celebrate their love and marriage. Now it seems it’s more about having Instagrammable photo opportunities, rather than enjoying a celebration together. It seems to sum up society to a degree. ‘Look at me living my best life, everyone!’ While not giving a fig about those people at all.
luckylavender · 21/09/2021 17:22

@Iwonder08 - only on Mumsnet. Teachers have set holidays. However flexible the school can be, summer term is exam term so it's not a guarantee. Do you have children?

Dixiechickonhols · 21/09/2021 17:26

It seems so odd to me that you wouldn’t consider your loved ones whilst scheduling a wedding. They are invited so presumably no rift.
My grandparents married on a Tuesday afternoon as they and lots of invitees were shop workers and it was half day closing. A Saturday wedding would have been inconvenient.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 21/09/2021 17:26

Surely your DHs school will allow leave for the wedding of a child?

My school would allow one day unpaid. More than that would not be possible.

Teachers can’t just e taking time off to go abroad at the same as we are saying the pupils can’t.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 21/09/2021 17:30

@ManifestDestinee

You know in other countries teachers have holidays like anyone else. They can take days, a week off for their kids wedding.

I find it hard to believe that UK teachers are completely unable to do so.

Who teaches the class? Supply staff are expensive. Staff insurance covers illness / jury service not weddings!
Confusedandshaken · 21/09/2021 17:33

@SheABitSpicyToday

Never occurred to us to check dates with anyone. You can either make it or you can’t.
Seriously? You didn't check your mum and dad were free?
pinkyredrose · 21/09/2021 17:33

Let me guess, it's your son getting married and his fiancé is jealous/controlling and wants to isolate him from his family so she can have him all to herself?

YANBU OP!

Wexone · 21/09/2021 17:38

we didn't consult either sets of parents when we booked our wedding date. I wanted a June wedding on a Friday. my preference the June Bank Holiday weekend (in Ireland) but that date was gone so now have end of June ( we have postponed twice because of covid) still have end of June which I am very lucky as dates for the next two years are all nearly booked up. I know of someone getting married on a Monday ( not very common in Ireland) as that the only date she can get. I would say that knowing how dates are this might be the reason they have picked this date. have you actually spoken to them about the issue you are having with the date? then I the other side I would speak to work to see if you can take the time off ?

Wexone · 21/09/2021 17:38

also meant to say good relationship with both sets. even live next door to my mother inlaw

ilovesooty · 21/09/2021 17:39

The OP sounds strange in tone which becomes stranger as she says she suspects this is deliberate. It doesn't sound as though they're bothered about parents' attendance - they must know that a term time wedding abroad would be difficult if not impossible for a teacher to attend.

LittlePearl · 21/09/2021 17:45

@pinkyredrose

Let me guess, it's your son getting married and his fiancé is jealous/controlling and wants to isolate him from his family so she can have him all to herself?

YANBU OP!

Why must it be the woman who is jealous and controlling? It could just as easily be a man.

I agree though, that the OP is NBU to feel hurt. Of course some people don't have close relationships with parents but the majority of people I know would want their parents at their wedding and check that it was possible.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/09/2021 17:47

A days supply will cost a lot more than wages unpaid (there’s usually an agency fee too) plus hassle and disruption to class/admin sorting it. Supply teachers are in short supply.
Week before Gcse maths the maths teacher taking 3 days off to go abroad is not going to go down well.

Aprilx · 21/09/2021 17:51

I don’t understand the view that you should so people their availability to attend

Well I think most people would run the date past their parents, but even so this was hardly checking a date with them. The wedding was booked on a weekday during term time. No checking required, they knew the parent(s) wouldn’t be available.

OP, I think that for whatever reason, either your child or their fiancé don’t want you / DH / both of you there, any idea why?

Dasher789 · 21/09/2021 17:55

That is so odd they did that. You can't accommodate everyone but surely you can accommodate parents. If one set of parents couldn't come, it wouldn't seem right to have the other (unless there was a specific reason and no alternative)

Wigmic · 21/09/2021 17:57

My family have lots of Teachers and I know that unless there was a dire need, like leading an exam that date, then they would be able to get a mid week term date off as unpaid leave for a close family wedding.

Maybe that date has a big significance to them, you don't need to know why they've done it. My own DSis whom I'm really close with booked her wedding on a date I couldn't attend due to unavoidable work commitments I couldn't get out of. She knew about it before too but that date meant so much to her she was adamant. I was disappointed but the day is about them and not you.

Eralos · 21/09/2021 17:59

Yabu. I’m a teacher and my head would give me some time off for this. Just ask his school for leave, even unpaid. It’s your child’s wedding!

Winniewonka · 21/09/2021 18:00

YANBU - If they've knowingly booked a week day during term time surely that must have thought, it's possible that Dad won't be able to make it.
I would feel extremely hurt as presumably if their partner has parents then it must be convenient for them to attend.
Have other close relatives of yours also been invited? I can't imagine going to a child's wedding without the other parent (No comments, please on others who are single/widowed and have to do so), this is different. What will guests think of your child when they say "Where's X's Dad, is he unwell?" And you have to answer "He couldn't get the time off work during term time" Your child is not taking how you will feel on this special day .

Nanny0gg · 21/09/2021 18:06

@maddy68

Honestly I don't know why you think you should be consulted over dates. Certain dates will be inconvenient for many of their guests there may also be reasons for choosing this date that you are unaware of.
Ofgs!!

They're his parents! Talking about dates is a pretty normal thing to do!

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