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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding date problem

156 replies

scrapingalongthebottom · 21/09/2021 10:47

DC is marrying someone from another European country and they plan to get married there. They have chosen their wedding date for the summer without a courtesy check with myself and DH. DH is a teacher and they have chosen a school day, which is pretty tricky for him. Because the wedding is in another country, travelling there and back will add further days to the wedding. They are refusing to consider other dates and say they have made their mind up with no explanation to us about why this date is essential. DH and I feel pretty gutted that a) everything has been arranged without telling us. b) they knowingly chose a date they knew DH will be teaching. AIBU?

OP posts:
INeed2P · 21/09/2021 11:54

@scrapingalongthebottom

I haven't said I have a son or a DIL
Apologies, I misread the "him" in your OP as referring to the DC!

*replace DS/DD DIL/SIL as appropriate in my comment

DressBitch · 21/09/2021 11:56

This isn't some distant relative. This is their child's wedding, and their child has chosen a date knowing it would be difficult for their parents to attend.

That's pretty shitty.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 21/09/2021 11:57

I missed one of our DC wedding- very little notice and in another country. It did make me sad but it didn't occur to me to expect them to check the date with us.

Scarydinosaurs · 21/09/2021 11:57

Have you asked what they will do if your husband/their dad can’t go?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/09/2021 11:58

That’s very odd. Surely the people at your wedding are more important than the date. I can’t believe they’d do this without an agenda.

Is DC trying to test the love or something? Setting you up to see if you’ll prioritise them even though it’s incredibly inconvenient?

If not then it sounds like they don’t really want you there, which would obviously be gutting.

We had a very small wedding and two of my family were living abroad at the time so we planned it around when they could both be here anyway and that was with a couple of months notice. Nothing was more important than having them with us if at all possible.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/09/2021 11:58

@Thecurtainsofdestiny

I missed one of our DC wedding- very little notice and in another country. It did make me sad but it didn't occur to me to expect them to check the date with us.
That doesn’t scream close family relationships does it.
LakeShoreD · 21/09/2021 11:59

Your DC knows full well it is difficult for their teacher parent to get time off outside of the school holidays. Their fiancé(e) is getting it all their way aren’t they? Wedding in their home country on their preferred date and screw the in laws that can’t make it. Your DH should hopefully be able to get the time unpaid if he asks, but that’s not really the point is it?

Dishwashersaurous · 21/09/2021 11:59

Do they understand that their own father won't be able to be at their wedding?

In this specific circumstances he needs to beg and beg to get time off work in order to make it.

I assume that you are not financially contributing

blubberyboo · 21/09/2021 12:02

I think in this instance DH will have to first check if he can take unpaid leave for a few days to cover the flights.

You can’t really say if they are BU until you know if you can accommodate their date.

If not then DH will probs have to miss the wedding and you go alone.
It would be a shame for them not to try and look at their dates again but ultimately they don’t have to

WoozySnoozy · 21/09/2021 12:05

They are refusing to consider other dates and say they have made their mind up with no explanation to us about why this date is essential. not really much you can do then. They clearly aren't fussed if you attend or not.

Dishwashersaurous · 21/09/2021 12:07

But you definitely need to attend, even if your husband can't

WoozySnoozy · 21/09/2021 12:08

They don't owe you an explanation as to why it has to be that date either. I mean it would be nice but they don't have to explain to guests why it's that date.

WoozySnoozy · 21/09/2021 12:10

@Dishwashersaurous

But you definitely need to attend, even if your husband can't
I disagree. If they can't be bothered to check the date is OK for OP then they aren't seen as an important attendee so if OP doesn't want to go without DH then there's no reason for the couple to get funny about that either.
ManifestDestinee · 21/09/2021 12:12

You know in other countries teachers have holidays like anyone else. They can take days, a week off for their kids wedding.

I find it hard to believe that UK teachers are completely unable to do so.

PermanentTemporary · 21/09/2021 12:12

Of course you at least do a basic check with your parents to see if they can do the date you mention! I think we checked parents and siblings because it mattered to us whether they could be there. Obviously we expected that they would prioritise being there, but if they'd already booked a 3 week holiday of a lifetime or something we wouldn't deliberately have chosen those dates. MN can be so strange.

girlmom21 · 21/09/2021 12:12

Have they acknowledged that it'll make things difficult for you? Have they apologised?

Loudestcat14 · 21/09/2021 12:13

@EL8888

I’m tickled by the courtesy check Hmm It’s their wedding so they why would they ask other people, it’s up to them and finding a venue (s) to accommodate. Obviously being mindful that some dates will be less well attended e.g. Christmas Eve, Monday’s etc. But their wedding = their way. Unless there is a back story we aren’t aware of e.g. you paying for it, organising it etc
Fine with general guests but these are the groom's parents! And the wedding is abroad, so of course there are travel times to take into account. Plus, you know, the son knows his dad is a teacher and it's hard to get time off during term. In the circumstances a quick text to say 'we're looking at this date' wouldn't have gone amiss.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/09/2021 12:14

I think posters are being harsh. Most people want to do their best to ensure their immediate families can attend their wedding and would be gutted if their parents couldnt come! Friends and wider family fair enough but most people I know wouldn't have arranged a date where a parent would struggle to make it.

We got married abroad and my husbands sibling has a job with fixed holidays and we checked that they could make it and also made it a time of year where my sibling was quiet at work and could get time off. As we wanted them there.

Yes they can pick what date they want and they dont have to check, but if they dont bother checking and pick a date their parents will struggle to attend, it does seem to suggest they are not bothered whether their parents attend or not, and most parents would be upset at this

Original poster
scrapingalongthebottom · 21/09/2021 12:16

Thanks for your replies, it is interesting to see different points of view. And thankyou to those of you can see why we are so hurt. DH will bite the bullet and ask at school, but all schools are different and not all Headteachers are accommodating, so fingers crossed!

OP posts:
FiveIsMoreFun · 21/09/2021 12:17

My wedding was on a date I didn't want to suit everyone else. I'm sure the guests have long since forgotten but 25 years on and every time my anniversary comes around I remember that it wasn't when I wanted to get married.

WoozySnoozy · 21/09/2021 12:17

I can see why you're hurt OP. It would hurt me. They've made it clear they don't care if you can make it or not.

Dishwashersaurous · 21/09/2021 12:17

But if the op thinks that they have purposefully chosen the date so that he cannot attend, then he not going risks further isolation.

If she doesn't want to not be involved in her child life then she needs to rise above it

Dixiechickonhols · 21/09/2021 12:19

It’s very odd they’ve done that. It does look as though trying to exclude you. Your husband should be able to apply to governors for unpaid leave if his child is marrying abroad. Obviously it’s inconvenient and will mean a very short trip. If he is refused leave then I’d go alone. It will reflect badly on them as people will understand ask where DC’s dad is.

Livpool · 21/09/2021 12:21

Agreed @PegasusReturns only on Mumsnet would making it very difficult for your dad to attend your wedding be absolutely fine.

Some pps seem to think that weddings = fuck everyone else, it's my day. In the real world people are aware that other people exist

Youseethethingis · 21/09/2021 12:22

My DH doesn't even like his mother that much and our wedding was still arranged to avoid her already booked holiday so she could make it.
And his dad's already booked holiday.
And my parents already booked holidays.
And my closest friends got to knock days off the list that didn't suit them too (Also teachers).
You decide who you want at your wedding and then you plan accordingly if it matters enough to you.

If a specific date is the thing that matters most then you book the date and whoever comes comes.
It's a dick move to deliberately leave your parents out of your wedding day, even if it's done slyly with a look of wide eyed innocence.