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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding date problem

156 replies

scrapingalongthebottom · 21/09/2021 10:47

DC is marrying someone from another European country and they plan to get married there. They have chosen their wedding date for the summer without a courtesy check with myself and DH. DH is a teacher and they have chosen a school day, which is pretty tricky for him. Because the wedding is in another country, travelling there and back will add further days to the wedding. They are refusing to consider other dates and say they have made their mind up with no explanation to us about why this date is essential. DH and I feel pretty gutted that a) everything has been arranged without telling us. b) they knowingly chose a date they knew DH will be teaching. AIBU?

OP posts:
Rainbowheart1 · 21/09/2021 14:37

That’s weird, I wouldn’t consult other people about what date I book for my own wedding. I pick a date and then if people can attend great. As your parents you obviously will want to attend, so I can’t see why your DH can’t just book 2-4 days holiday.

Seems like your making it awkward, that’s the date, can you make it or not?

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 21/09/2021 14:41

@aliboob44

I would never, ever, ever consider getting married on a date that my parents could not attend (of course, on the basis I have a good relationship with them). It is very strange.
I agree entirely. When we looked at dates we made sure that those few people we wanted with us could all attend before finalising a single thing, even though we favoured a weekday.

I can’t make this situation out to be anything other than deliberate, to be honest. The child of a teacher must know that her own father will be unlikely to be able to attend. Is there anything more about the relationship that you haven’t told us, OP? Previous behaviour of a similar sort? A falling out?

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 21/09/2021 14:42

@Rainbowheart1

That’s weird, I wouldn’t consult other people about what date I book for my own wedding. I pick a date and then if people can attend great. As your parents you obviously will want to attend, so I can’t see why your DH can’t just book 2-4 days holiday.

Seems like your making it awkward, that’s the date, can you make it or not?

Teachers can’t book holiday during term time. They have no annual leave allowance. So he can’t just book time off!
SazCat · 21/09/2021 14:43

@Rainbowheart1

That’s weird, I wouldn’t consult other people about what date I book for my own wedding. I pick a date and then if people can attend great. As your parents you obviously will want to attend, so I can’t see why your DH can’t just book 2-4 days holiday.

Seems like your making it awkward, that’s the date, can you make it or not?

I don't think it's quite that easy for teachers to just book days off work as holiday??

I wouldn't consult people either on the date, but if someone was a teacher I would know if the wedding wasn't term time they would be unlikely to be able to travel!

DogInATent · 21/09/2021 14:43

It's there day, not yours. I can understand that.

Check dates with parents? - we didn't invite parents or family from either side to our wedding. There was a party a few months later for family. Our actual wedding was just for a very small number of people that were important to us. Maybe it's hint.

Covidworries · 21/09/2021 15:04

Following.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/09/2021 15:08

Teachers can’t book annual leave that’s whole point of thread. Surely that’s common knowledge - the child will know dad is a teacher and has set holidays. Yes he can apply for unpaid leave but it’s discretionary. I’m sure most schools would try to accommodate but it’s not a given. Eg If it’s on A level exams results day and he’s head of year 13 I’d imagine it’s a no.

Holskey · 21/09/2021 15:08

I didn't consult my parents about my wedding date. Didn't occur to me. Nobody was offended.

I'm a teacher so I get that's an issue, but perhaps one that your dc didn't think of. And in fairness, why should they book such a huge event in their lives around someone else's job? It would have been nice if they had thought of him, but not terrible that they didn't.

TractorAndHeadphones · 21/09/2021 15:09

@LuaDipa

I’m looking at this in a slightly different way. They have planned their wedding to suit them, it may simply be far more expensive to host it during the summer holidays, this date may be special to them, but whatever their reason, I wouldn’t expect my dm to not attend my wedding due to the date. I held my wedding on a Friday, simply because the venue I wanted was booked for 2 years solid on a Saturday. I didn’t want to wait that long. I assumed that my friends and loved ones would book time off work for the occasion and they did. Your dc is most likely making the same assumption.

What I do find interesting is that you have immediately jumped to the conclusion that your dc doesn’t care about you or thar your soon to be in-law is trying to drive a wedge between you. The wedding of your child is intended to be a once in a lifetime event and most employers would be understanding of that.

Your behaviour in this instance makes me think that there may be more to this. It’s strange that you have posted here before your dh has even spoken to his employer to find out if this is an issue or not. There may very well be no problem at all. I’m also wondering why your dc will not entertain any discussion at all. Do you often try to rearrange things to suit your own circumstances? That’s not an accusation, just something to consider.

Look, it may well be that your dc is marrying a complete control freak who’s only goal in life is to see you estranged. But it’s far more likely that they are both excited about their upcoming wedding and assume that their parents will make it work so that can have the day they want. You say that you and your dc are close so just book the time off and try to move away from the assumption that this is a slight on you.

Surely it’s the lack of explanation that makes it so strange?
DuesToTheDirt · 21/09/2021 15:19

And in fairness, why should they book such a huge event in their lives around someone else's job?

I can't believe the number of posters thinking this is normal behaviour on the part of the wedding couple. It's not just any old guests, it's the groom's parents we're talking about here. And anyone who knows anything about anything, never mind the child of a teacher, knows it is difficult for teachers to take leave during term time.

Lulu1919 · 21/09/2021 15:25

@maddy68

I'm a teacher. In every school I've worked in they would allow time off for that (unpaid )
No school I've worked in would allow you time off for this...maybe one day( so ok if local ) but not days.....
Lulu1919 · 21/09/2021 15:26

@maddy68

Honestly I don't know why you think you should be consulted over dates. Certain dates will be inconvenient for many of their guests there may also be reasons for choosing this date that you are unaware of.
Parents of the groom are a bit more Important than general guest though to be fair !!!
MrsTulipTattsyrup · 21/09/2021 15:31

I’m very sad for all of you who wouldn’t care whether or not your own parents could attend your wedding. I don’t know if this is one of those odd, contrary-for-the-sake-of-it MN threads, or there really are so many people out there with very poor relationships with their families, but I don’t think it goes for the majority of the population.

Lulu1919 · 21/09/2021 15:35

@Holskey

I didn't consult my parents about my wedding date. Didn't occur to me. Nobody was offended.

I'm a teacher so I get that's an issue, but perhaps one that your dc didn't think of. And in fairness, why should they book such a huge event in their lives around someone else's job? It would have been nice if they had thought of him, but not terrible that they didn't.

So if your child booked a wedding date ..term time ....and this meant you might not be able to go as you are a teacher ..you'd be fine with that would you ?? Also this isnt one day locally....it's abroad....
Dixiechickonhols · 21/09/2021 15:37

I do think it’s terrible that they didn’t think if father of bride/groom could attend. It’s not some distant acquaintance it’s the father of the bride or groom. I’d think it very odd if a parent wasn’t at a wedding I’d assume they were estranged.
All those saying teacher will be granted it. He might or might not. Or granted 1 day meaning it’s impossible to attend depending on flights.

luckylavender · 21/09/2021 15:42

@maddy68 - you're being ridiculous. The parents are close to their child. No teacher's child (I was one) would do this without realising the consequences.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/09/2021 15:43

There was a post on here last year with an Australian wedding that parents of groom couldn’t go to (covid/unable to quarantine as couldn’t get extended leave) and part of fall out from that was because they’d not said it might be an issue. I think mum & dad are right to flag as a potential issue now. Dad will need to speak to head then presumably apply formally to governors and they’ll decide at next meeting. So not instantaneous. If dad says nothing then can’t come child could easily say why didn’t you say we thought you’d get it off of course we would have moved if you had said.

IWillFindYou · 21/09/2021 15:43

Why can’t you go alone?

Tistheseason17 · 21/09/2021 15:44

Just tell them, "Marvellous, all sorted, so excited we can be there".

If there is trouble causing going on they will move the date.

OP - I'd be upset, too.

waybill · 21/09/2021 15:52

@EL8888

I’m tickled by the courtesy check Hmm It’s their wedding so they why would they ask other people, it’s up to them and finding a venue (s) to accommodate. Obviously being mindful that some dates will be less well attended e.g. Christmas Eve, Monday’s etc. But their wedding = their way. Unless there is a back story we aren’t aware of e.g. you paying for it, organising it etc
The OP and her DH aren't just 'other people', they are the parents of one of the couple getting married.

I'd say it was pretty standard for most brides and grooms to want their parents to be able to come, and would ensure that the dates were ok. Especially knowing that their dad is a teacher and can't just take time off will-nilly during term time.

QueeniesCroft · 21/09/2021 15:52

I'd take this as fair warning that there may be stormy seas ahead! If your husband can't get the time off, then he just can't go, obviously, but you really need to. The first stage in an abusive relationship often involves isolating the victim from their family and friends. Don't let that happen to your child, regardless of their sex.

I suspect that you may have to hold your tongue and smile a lot in the future. Good luck with that!

Pipsquiggle · 21/09/2021 15:53

My sister had her wedding date to suit her then DSIL who was a teacher - it was abroad, where they lived, so I didn't have an issue with the location.

It pushed up the price for everyone else going by at least £500 per person.

RavingAnnie · 21/09/2021 16:02

@maddy68

Honestly I don't know why you think you should be consulted over dates. Certain dates will be inconvenient for many of their guests there may also be reasons for choosing this date that you are unaware of.
It's their child not a mate. Of course you check the proposed date with your parent especially if one of them has restricted leave. I would also be upset that if my child with whom I had a close relationship had reasons for choosing a particular date that they wouldn't share that with me.
Iwonder08 · 21/09/2021 16:04

Your child is getting married. Doesn't happen every year, just adjust your plans. And yes, even a teacher can have some time off. And no, you shouldn't have been consulted about the date convenient.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/09/2021 16:15

I really do think I’m in a parallel universe sometimes. Would people seriously be happy going to their child’s wedding without their husband/dad of child. Yes if he couldn’t go I’d go but I’d feel awkward and sad. You have a child together and imagine being at their life events.