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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding date problem

156 replies

scrapingalongthebottom · 21/09/2021 10:47

DC is marrying someone from another European country and they plan to get married there. They have chosen their wedding date for the summer without a courtesy check with myself and DH. DH is a teacher and they have chosen a school day, which is pretty tricky for him. Because the wedding is in another country, travelling there and back will add further days to the wedding. They are refusing to consider other dates and say they have made their mind up with no explanation to us about why this date is essential. DH and I feel pretty gutted that a) everything has been arranged without telling us. b) they knowingly chose a date they knew DH will be teaching. AIBU?

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 21/09/2021 12:23

I’d be clear to child (email) that husband is working and had no annual leave as he’s got fixed holidays as a teacher. He’s applied for unpaid leave but this is discretionary and you’ll let them know.
If you have to leave straight after ceremony etc to get flight it will reflect badly on them - I’d be shocked a couple had booked for date father of bride/groom couldn’t do unless it was a shotgun wedding eg pregnant or needing visa.

JustStartingOut1 · 21/09/2021 12:28

I would guess they've chosen it because it's cheaper - a weekday during term time. It could also hold significance to them - first date, first 'I love you', etc.

A heads up would of been nice but trust me it's awful when parent's think they get to dictate your wedding date. My future in laws "wouldn't go" if it was a Sunday because of their religious views. It hurt my DP so we chose the Friday instead. They then went to dinner at our chosen venue....on a Sunday.

If you're peeved about it, fine. But don't tell them - it's not worth the resentment over one day.

Twickerhun · 21/09/2021 12:30

I get why you are cross OP. It’s inconsiderate not to let you as parents know before booking the wedding to make sure the basic plan is ok.

Side note, in 2021 It’s amazing how many People still assume a wedding is between a man and a woman and not a couple of the same sex.

WoozySnoozy · 21/09/2021 12:33

@Dixiechickonhols

I’d be clear to child (email) that husband is working and had no annual leave as he’s got fixed holidays as a teacher. He’s applied for unpaid leave but this is discretionary and you’ll let them know. If you have to leave straight after ceremony etc to get flight it will reflect badly on them - I’d be shocked a couple had booked for date father of bride/groom couldn’t do unless it was a shotgun wedding eg pregnant or needing visa.

I was thinking maybe there's a pregnancy or a visa issue.

CareBear50 · 21/09/2021 12:38

@maddy68

Honestly I don't know why you think you should be consulted over dates. Certain dates will be inconvenient for many of their guests there may also be reasons for choosing this date that you are unaware of.

Did you actually read what the OP said. The father is a teacher and getting time off would be v difficult.

I'd be so upset if one of my kids did this. On the face of it, it does seem quite selfish.

Curious to know DC n partner did this

LuaDipa · 21/09/2021 12:42

I’m looking at this in a slightly different way. They have planned their wedding to suit them, it may simply be far more expensive to host it during the summer holidays, this date may be special to them, but whatever their reason, I wouldn’t expect my dm to not attend my wedding due to the date. I held my wedding on a Friday, simply because the venue I wanted was booked for 2 years solid on a Saturday. I didn’t want to wait that long. I assumed that my friends and loved ones would book time off work for the occasion and they did. Your dc is most likely making the same assumption.

What I do find interesting is that you have immediately jumped to the conclusion that your dc doesn’t care about you or thar your soon to be in-law is trying to drive a wedge between you. The wedding of your child is intended to be a once in a lifetime event and most employers would be understanding of that.

Your behaviour in this instance makes me think that there may be more to this. It’s strange that you have posted here before your dh has even spoken to his employer to find out if this is an issue or not. There may very well be no problem at all. I’m also wondering why your dc will not entertain any discussion at all. Do you often try to rearrange things to suit your own circumstances? That’s not an accusation, just something to consider.

Look, it may well be that your dc is marrying a complete control freak who’s only goal in life is to see you estranged. But it’s far more likely that they are both excited about their upcoming wedding and assume that their parents will make it work so that can have the day they want. You say that you and your dc are close so just book the time off and try to move away from the assumption that this is a slight on you.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 21/09/2021 12:45

If your Dad is a teacher, you know that time off during term is difficult. On that basis yanbu.

EL8888 · 21/09/2021 12:47

@Loudestcat14 my mother is the queen of “l think you should….”. E.g. for my first marriage she “thought” we should go for a different location . So as someone else said, presenting things as a fait accompli is how l get through things with her. Maybe OP’s child or their partner has similar issues with people doing this

xILikeJamx · 21/09/2021 12:48

When we got married we looked around at places we liked the look of and eventually found the one that we wanted. We already knew where we wanted to go on honeymoon and the time of year we wanted to go. We asked the venue what dates they had available 2 weeks either side of the date we had in mind. They had one weekend available. We booked it. Then we told everyone else what we had decided to do for our wedding.

Neither of us were trying to cause any aggro in either family.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/09/2021 12:49

@maddy68

But this is their CHILD getting married... Not a vague acquaintance or a distant cousin, their child...

Teacher pal had this.. Her brother wanted to get married in very rural destination in Italy... In the middle of GCSEs... Pal was teacher... 2 of her own kids were sitting exams...

Even if she flew out for the weekend, because of where it was /timings /airports...

It would have cost her almost 2k...(years ago) ... And she'd have been at the destination for less than 24 hours... And because of timings /lack of planes /it was entirely possible she'd miss a connection and miss the wedding...

Also... She just couldn't leave her pupils /kids during this time. She declined the invite, sent a gift etc.

Brother had a tantrum... As she said, if it was so important for her to be there there's 13 weeks annually that aren't school days...

Quickchangeartiste · 21/09/2021 12:57

Well OP, I think that’s pretty shitty of them to be honest. I appreciate it’s their day etc etc - I have read the various differing views on the thread- but unless there is a back story of low/ no contact with your DC then this is extremely discourteous.
I am not crazy about my teacher MIL , and she was a pain in the ass when we were planning our wedding, but I would never have considered organising it without checking her and FIL ability to attend.

MilduraS · 21/09/2021 12:58

I wouldn't check with everyone but if I would have checked with both sets of parents so I understand your disappointment. I do know a few teachers who have been able to book off family weddings unpaid with enough notice. As it's next year hopefully your DH will be able to.

JustStartingOut1 · 21/09/2021 13:06

I don't understand the view that you should ask people their availability to attend.

Most weddings have at least a year's notice (and many a lot, lot more) so it's not like you don't have time to sort out arrangements. Invitations are sent a lot closer but as we're talking about parents here, I would imagine you know they date well before those are posted.

As someone has pointed out, a lot of dates are dictated by venues too.

I can't honestly believe that people think they should be consulted on someone else's wedding. Weddings truely do bring out the worst in people. I don't care if someone is your child.

This is in response to some comments, not the OPs post.

maddy68 · 21/09/2021 13:36

[quote Chloemol]@maddy68

Did you read the post! The father is a teacher, therefore it’s highly unlikely he can get time off, and any child of a teacher would be aware of that

Personally I think it shows they don’t care about the parents. I would be wanting my parents to attend, and would choose a date accordingly[/quote]
Yes I did read that and I comment earlier that no school I've ever taught in would decline a request for time off for a daughter's wedding

Youseethethingis · 21/09/2021 13:37

I don't understand the view that you should ask people their availability to attend
Not "people", but "people whose attendance is important to you".

Gorl · 21/09/2021 13:39

Yanbu, that’s shit. To show so little consideration to your own parents is really rubbish imo.

GitsandShigggles · 21/09/2021 13:45

Call their bluff and say you won't go. If they're fine with that then you know where you stand, if they offer to change the date then you know they want you there.

JustStartingOut1 · 21/09/2021 13:53

If you quoted my full post you would also mention that weddings give "people whose attendance is important to you" PLENTY of notice. It's not like most weddings are held on a whim the next weekend.

Every couple has the right to decide when their own wedding is and still have people important to them there if that's what they want. It's not all on the couple to be flexible - you either want to be there or you don't. If it's a big issue, don't go. Saying a date is inconvenient with so much notice is a rubbish excuse, in my opinion.

Cocomarine · 21/09/2021 13:58

Well it’s a bit of a dripfeed to write the OP as if it might be thoughtlessness, and respond to a poster that it might be deliberate.

Of course - if you want your parents to attend - then you check the date with them.
Of course - if you want your parents to attend - then you’d be aware that term time for a teacher is going to be an issue.

The relevant thread would be the one about why you think one of them is trying to push you out.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/09/2021 14:09

Parents aren't just any guests - they're really important. I think this is really bad. Try to get your child on their own and see if you can get to the bottom of it without their other half present to inhibit honesty.

aliboob44 · 21/09/2021 14:09

I would never, ever, ever consider getting married on a date that my parents could not attend (of course, on the basis I have a good relationship with them). It is very strange.

Charlene91 · 21/09/2021 14:14

We booked our wedding without consulting anyone, but our wedding was over 2 years away, so we knew there wouldn't be an issue. If there had been, we would definitely have changed it.

Your DC is being a littler unreasonable and inconsiderate.

Lightswitch123 · 21/09/2021 14:18

Bloody hell I'm amazed at the number of people who wouldn't check dates with their parents before booking their wedding!!
It's very weird OP. I think you need to speak to your DC alone about it to try and understand their reason. So sad

Movingsoon21 · 21/09/2021 14:24

This is mad. Of course you check the date with your parents before booking your wedding!! Unless you hate them and don’t want them there!

Honestly MN can be so weird sometimes! I’ve been to over 30 weddings and don’t know a single couple who wouldn’t have planned their wedding around dates their parents could do!

Charlene91 · 21/09/2021 14:29

@Lightswitch123

Bloody hell I'm amazed at the number of people who wouldn't check dates with their parents before booking their wedding!! It's very weird OP. I think you need to speak to your DC alone about it to try and understand their reason. So sad

@Lightswitch123

In my defence, I'm not close to my parents at all as they're awful people. My DP is close to his, but having come from the family I have, it just didn't occur to me to ask. If I had thought of it, I definitely would have asked his parents before booking it.

Like I say though, it was booked 2 years before the wedding, so we knew nobody would have had plans and we would have changed the date if they did 😊

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