Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding date problem

156 replies

scrapingalongthebottom · 21/09/2021 10:47

DC is marrying someone from another European country and they plan to get married there. They have chosen their wedding date for the summer without a courtesy check with myself and DH. DH is a teacher and they have chosen a school day, which is pretty tricky for him. Because the wedding is in another country, travelling there and back will add further days to the wedding. They are refusing to consider other dates and say they have made their mind up with no explanation to us about why this date is essential. DH and I feel pretty gutted that a) everything has been arranged without telling us. b) they knowingly chose a date they knew DH will be teaching. AIBU?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/09/2021 18:07

@SheABitSpicyToday

Never occurred to us to check dates with anyone. You can either make it or you can’t.
So you weren't bothered whether your parents were there or not?
Nanny0gg · 21/09/2021 18:10

@ManifestDestinee

You know in other countries teachers have holidays like anyone else. They can take days, a week off for their kids wedding.

I find it hard to believe that UK teachers are completely unable to do so.

Sadly, it's true
JackieChiles · 21/09/2021 18:21

@scrapingalongthebottom

I haven't said I have a son or a DIL
It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure it out.
Holly60 · 21/09/2021 18:28

@JackieChiles I kind of agree. What is it about this scenario that makes it clear it’s the OP’ son and not daughter, do you think?

Dixiechickonhols · 21/09/2021 18:35

Most brides have dad giving them away/dad giving speech and/or a father daughter dance so I’d think most brides would check their teacher dad could get a weekday in term time off before booking.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/09/2021 18:37

I guess that it’s much more expensive to book when it’s not a school day and this must be a factor.

I’d have thought DH would be allowed unpaid time off

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/09/2021 18:39

I read it feeling like it was a Ds and not Dd but the reason was that it’s usual to get married near the bride’s home or at least in her home country. Traditionally that is!

Holly60 · 21/09/2021 18:42

Answering my own question I think maybe it’s the clear lack of communication. OP is hurt because she doesn’t know why her DC has booked on this date and is therefore imagining the worst.

It could be for any number of reasons and I feel like a daughter would know to explain properly to her DParents to avoid upsetting them. I feel like a DS is less likely to have realised his parents might be worrying they’ve done it purposefully.

On reflection OP I think you just need to ask. ‘Dad is going to try his level best to get that day- I’m sure it will be fine. Any particular reason for choosing that date?’ Or whatever comes across non- confrontationally.

Holly60 · 21/09/2021 18:43

Maybe I’m being totally sexist though!

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 21/09/2021 18:44

I think you need to ask your child whether they want you and your DH to be there.

They could have deliberately chosen the date to prevent your DH or both of you from attending.

If they want you there but have other reasons for choosing the date (which they don't have to share) then your DH will need to request unpaid leave if he wants to attend. A child's wedding should be accommodated with plenty of notice.

Skysblue · 21/09/2021 19:13

Yanbu, that’s pretty hurtful behaviour. I don’t understand.

And by the way I changed my wedding venue to accommodate my brother in law’s commitment, as he couldn’t make the date I booked my favourite venue and the venue had no other weekend dates available.

Amiwronghere · 21/09/2021 19:38

That’s not something a bride/groom with a good relationship with their parents does surely?

Nanny0gg · 21/09/2021 20:43

@DogInATent

It's there day, not yours. I can understand that.

Check dates with parents? - we didn't invite parents or family from either side to our wedding. There was a party a few months later for family. Our actual wedding was just for a very small number of people that were important to us. Maybe it's hint.

So you're hardly typical
BogRollBOGOF · 21/09/2021 22:13

We didn't have many dates avaliable for booking my wedding. I'm a teacher, SiL is a teacher in another country (plus lots of school age nephews/ nieces) which cut down the overlapping weeks quite substantially. This did mean that one of my cousins was imable to attend as it was peak season for her at work in her country, but the situation was explained to her and it was compromising the needs of the least number of guests.

To select a date that is automatically unsuitable for a very close family member is mean, especially with no explanation. It can not be assumed that a teacher will be granted a day of leave and to travel, this makes it virtually impossible. Many schools will not grant leave, and I suspect that with the tolls of isolations and getting supply for Covid issues, this is even less likely than ever.

user1496146479 · 21/09/2021 23:57

@maddy68

Honestly I don't know why you think you should be consulted over dates. Certain dates will be inconvenient for many of their guests there may also be reasons for choosing this date that you are unaware of.
Not just any guests!!! Hmm
Ehhhhhhhh · 22/09/2021 02:04

Erm... it’s their day.

Or do you expect them to travel / marry at a
Weekend / school holiday when it would be typically more expensive just to suit you? His loyalty lays with his soon to be wife not his mummy and step dad... either go or don’t. Doesn’t actually matter to him or wife

StrongerOrWeaker · 22/09/2021 02:26

We had a small wedding abroad my family didn't attend. I love them very much but to us it was all about getting the legal document so there was no point for them to come. Just a matter of minutes.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 22/09/2021 07:43

@Ehhhhhhhh

Erm... it’s their day.

Or do you expect them to travel / marry at a
Weekend / school holiday when it would be typically more expensive just to suit you? His loyalty lays with his soon to be wife not his mummy and step dad... either go or don’t. Doesn’t actually matter to him or wife

He’s not a step dad - we are talking about the bride or groom’s own father being unable to attend. Someone who would be part of the wedding party, and would be seated at the top table alongside the bride and groom.
DressBitch · 22/09/2021 07:57

@Ehhhhhhhh

Erm... it’s their day.

Or do you expect them to travel / marry at a
Weekend / school holiday when it would be typically more expensive just to suit you? His loyalty lays with his soon to be wife not his mummy and step dad... either go or don’t. Doesn’t actually matter to him or wife

If you're going to comment, try actually reading the thread, because you've embarrassed yourself by getting the basic facts incorrect.
february45 · 22/09/2021 07:57

We never checked dates with anyone. Our parents booked unpaid leave (2 of them teachers) and were very happy to do so.
Same when my DC was born , there are some events that you can book unpaid leave for and not complain 😬

ImInStealthMode · 22/09/2021 08:03

What @DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight said. If people have to travel abroad then booking a wedding date in summer school holidays might mean half their guests don't come due to costs.

I've been to two weddings abroad that have been in school holidays (teachers getting married) and both triple the cost they'd have been 2 weeks earlier.

Perhaps they assumed that as a parent of one of the bridal couple that your DH would be able to take a couple of days off to attend so went for the easier option for the majority rather than the minority.

peboh · 22/09/2021 08:12

I'm extremely close with my family, however I never checked dates with them before booking my wedding. Dh and I chose a date that suited us, gave people plenty of notice and that was that. A wedding is about the couple, and they obviously have a reason for choosing the date they have. All your dh can do is try to get the time off.

rainyskylight · 22/09/2021 08:56

It’s really annoying how many people are saying that it will be fine to take one day off for the wedding when the OP clearly says that the wedding is abroad and will then have to be multiple days (I guess three minimum).

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 22/09/2021 09:13

It usually isn’t fine to take a day off for a wedding anyway, if you’re a teacher. It isn’t just a question of taking unpaid leave, it’s a question of cover for the days you aren’t there, which is expensive and budgets are stretched. Especially if leave was granted on condition that it was unpaid and you were told you had to pay cover costs too.

I think it’s, at the very least, thoughtless of the couple, but of course they can plan their wedding for whenever they like. I’d be hurt too OP. I was a teacher and my son got married on a weekday. Fortunately for us, I was part time and it was a day I didn’t work. I would have asked for flexibility if it had been a work day and I would have been gutted to miss the wedding.

Youseethethingis · 22/09/2021 09:15

I'd rather half my guests didn't come than my own parents couldn't make it Confused