Appropriate punishment?

[SheABitSpicyToday]

Caught my 7 year old last night up watching her iPad at gone 11. She had snuck downstairs and got it out of the cabinet and took it upstairs to her bedroom. This, ontop of losing her camera she got for a birthday a month ago and not being remotely remourseful about it plus her attitude in general at the minute, we’ve decided no more screen time for the next week until her bedroom has been tidied and her camera has been found. It’s definitely in there somewhere, it hasnt left the house.

She just seems to have no respect for her stuff at all. We told her if she carries on like this then we won’t bother getTing her anything nice for Christmas as she will just lose it. She just shrugged and said ok.

She never used to be like this! We’ve said from now on she can go to bed and it’s lights straight off until she can show us sue can behave. Is this effective for her age?

She’ll be fine in 10 years because I’m good mum and have established boundaries and taught discipline in my child. Not pandered to bad behaviour and let them do what they like.

Obviously creepy lweji has cameras around my house as she is sooooooo in the know at the inner working of our household.

Of course you're a good mum. (Not being cynical)

We're just pointing out that you may not be very effective at disciplining. For all the reasons already posted on this thread.

Ha Ha ha! The teenage years are not the easy to predict I'm afraid.

So stop predicting them for me then. I’m very confident in my parenting and my child. All I asked was if a week seemed too long but now I think it’s appropriate.

Sounds like a pretty normal thing for a 7 year old to chance her arm at. No screen time for a week is fine I would say, but the "until she can show us she can behave" doesn't sit well with me. Learning to take care of things is a life skill that very few 7 year olds have fully mastered.

I’ve set up parental controls on my daughters tablet so it switches off between 7pm and 7am so she couldn’t use it even if she wanted to. Could you do something like that ?

Yeah I’ll look into the controls. The only reason I’ve not done this yet is she’s never done a thing like this before.

7yo is a bit too young for things like a camera or an iPad. They just don't have impulse control and don't realize long time consequences.
A week long punishment is too long. 3 days should do. However, i would say only supervised iPad use for the forseeable future, like 30min a day.

@SheABitSpicyToday

Any decent parent would not be ok with their 7 year old staying up till nearly midnight in secret watching tv. If you’d be ok with that then perhaps look at your own parenting before judging someone else’s.

OP, I don't think you're listening to the vast majority of posters on here, none of whom is saying they would adopt a "there, there, darling, oh it's so clever of you to sneak onto your ipad" approach.

My youngest child is 17 (we have five), and my experience is that the teenagers who have grown up being scared of punishment are the most likely to become involved in risky behaviours and not to be able to tell you.

I have had some pretty tricky moments with mine, and am not out of the woods yet. However, it is really important that they know that they can come to you with something, however dire, without being afraid of being punished by you on top of whatever they've already done. Your job, really, is to help children and, in due course, teenagers and young adults be able to own up to their mistakes and thoughtless behaviour (and teenagers can be masters of this) and to try to find ways to put them right. This is emphatically not the same as letting do whatever they like and getting away with it.

Don't bother. The OP was only asking for validation.

I’m not worried about her ability to tidy her room at the age of 7.

I'm impressed if she has the ability, but you still run a risk of cutting her motivation to do it. Judging by the the way you described her and her behaviour here, your DD must be learning she can get a strong emotional reaction out of you by some fairly minor misbehaviour - taking the iPad, attitude, untidiness, mislaying her own camera. That's not something you want her to learn with a new baby on the way. You might find that her willingness to (e.g) tidy her room vanishes overnight and the more frustrated and enraged you become the less willing she is.

As a psychology graduate you'll know that's basic motivation theory - leaving your room in a mess and getting the attention of an angry punishing mum is better than keeping it tidy for a mum who takes your tidying for granted and ignores you while she's busy with a baby. Of course getting a positive reaction is best, but a negative reaction is more motivating than none at all.

So think strategy - better to spend a pleasant time with her helping her tidy up than get angry with her for not tidying.

I’m going to against the grain and say YABU. You seem unhinged

Why does a 7 year old need a camera AND an iPad? Surely the iPad can double as both, unless she's some sort of photography genius? If she's not arsed about the camera, just sell it.
And the sneaking down thing isn't that bad surely? Seems an extreme over reaction on your part. You sound like you're talking about a much older child, in the way I may talk about my teenager. She is still very little really.

She wanted a Poleroid camera for her scrap booking.

I don’t need advice on my parenting there is nothing wrong with it thanks. I asked if a week was too long to remove the iPad and I’m now sure of my decision.

@SheABitSpicyToday

She wanted a Poleroid camera for her scrap booking.

I don’t need advice on my parenting there is nothing wrong with it thanks. I asked if a week was too long to remove the iPad and I’m now sure of my decision.

Um... you're sure of your decision because so many people have questioned your strategy and have asked some very sensible questions which you have chosen not to answer?

Ok, then.

I won’t be turning off the wifi because why should the rest of us have to go without? Her iPad is in my room now and she wouldn’t dare go in my room to get it. I’ve said she can read but that’s it. The switch has been out away too.

Put parental controls on the iPad, change the password on the WIfI and set up a separate kids WiFi with a different password and turn it on and off as required.

Not buying her any Christmas presents is extreme.

I’m impressed if she has the ability, but you still run a risk of cutting her motivation to do it.

You don’t think a 7 year old has the ability to tidy her room?

You don’t think a 7 year old has the ability to tidy her room?

Depends what you mean by "tidy her room". Chuck everything into drawers, yes. Sort most things into more or less the right place, some kid yes, some no. Carefully put an expensive SLR camera into its case and make sure it was put back in its proper place every time? Quite a big ask.

Not buying her any Christmas presents is extreme.

The OP said later that she meant she wouldn't be buying another big expensive item like a camera. Which I think is pretty sensible.

I have the camera now, she can have it when she asks for it but it’s not to be kept in her room any longer.

@SheABitSpicyToday

I have the camera now, she can have it when she asks for it but it’s not to be kept in her room any longer.

I'm glad you have the camera. She must be relieved!

People calling the op unhinged? Wow.

@SheABitSpicyToday

I have the camera now, she can have it when she asks for it but it’s not to be kept in her room any longer.

I think this is the first sensible thing you have said.

I was thinking about all of this earlier (in the way that one does), and my conclusions were:

When my DC were younger, "everyone" had a Nintendo DS. I bought one - but made it clear that it was mine. They could use it, for a limited amount of time, and I would then re-possess it. It would live with me. This might have been easier because there was no way I was buying multiples of any of this stuff. So keeping custody of the camera and allowing your DD access to it when she asks seems sensible, OP.

I do think you need to consider some of the questions you have been asked a bit more, as your DD is about to go through a massive upheaval. It does make a difference if she and the baby are full siblings, even though I need to don a hard hat to say this. It only make a difference because if they aren't, she will still be processing her parents' split and the fact that her mum has moved on. There's no reason why anyone shouldn't move on (I'm a lone parent with a partner, so would be the last to preach) - but my children have all said they are glad that DP and I are too old to have children. I think it does make a difference to younger ones.

@MaskingForIt

It just sounds like you’re a lot more materialistic than she is. Good for her.

Don't understand your comment?

The child has lost something expensive and isn't remotely bothered and you're praising her?