Appropriate punishment?

[SheABitSpicyToday]

Caught my 7 year old last night up watching her iPad at gone 11. She had snuck downstairs and got it out of the cabinet and took it upstairs to her bedroom. This, ontop of losing her camera she got for a birthday a month ago and not being remotely remourseful about it plus her attitude in general at the minute, we’ve decided no more screen time for the next week until her bedroom has been tidied and her camera has been found. It’s definitely in there somewhere, it hasnt left the house.

She just seems to have no respect for her stuff at all. We told her if she carries on like this then we won’t bother getTing her anything nice for Christmas as she will just lose it. She just shrugged and said ok.

She never used to be like this! We’ve said from now on she can go to bed and it’s lights straight off until she can show us sue can behave. Is this effective for her age?

Ok so I'm not sure what to say about the general attitude stuff because there could be a heap of reasons and advice for that but the things that stand out for me @SheABitSpicyToday

I understand you are upset about the camera, it was probably quite expensive and it was a thoughtful gift. However, the natural consequence of her misplacing the camera is that she won't be able to use it. A wee chat about how she could best go about finding it and a reminder that if she is more careful with her things she hopefully won't lose items she really values. No further punishment is needed IMO.

The room being untidy could be an ongoing battle tbh, I was just a messy child and liked organised chaos I do think modelling responsible behaviour but not doing it for her and making it a positive thing is key here.
My parents would just get frustrated straight away because my room was messy. They'd be angry and shout at me rather than help me manage my mess. Again I am absolutely not advocating you do it for her - that way lies martyrdom and madness!
What about early prevention or a set time every day to do some tidying, a bit of joint tidying time like "I'm going to hoover the landing see if you can beat me by putting your toys away/ taking your dirty clothes to the washing machine" etc & positive outcomes like "if you do X job now then we can do/have Y nice thing after" as appropriate.
Choice too "do you want to tidy your room before dinner or after?"

Please do not threaten your child with "we won't buy you nice things for Christmas if you don't..." if she doesn't take care of expensive items just don't buy them until she can be responsible. Don't use it as a stick to punish her with. Make it easy to win, set achievable goals. A punishment that could arrive months from now is too much for a 7YO to keep in mind, they can still be really impulsive and forgetful.
Also you need to think is this an empty threat? Could you actually go through with it and not buy her the main present? Would you just make it up with more little presents? Would she really actually notice come Christmas or would she just be happy with what she gets?

The ipad was sneaky, she's clever, got to give her that! It's not the worst thing in the world she could have done, yes it was very naughty and I'd be cross but I also think a week straight to sleep with the lights off is too much. Hopefully she won't do it again but you could move the ipad, change the password etc to prevent it in future.

because at times it can be really frustrating and they seem to pick the worst times to jump on your last nerve. Try and stay calm, pick your battles and don't be my shouty parents, set your kid up to get it right and promote a healthy habit.

@SheABitSpicyToday FWIW I am in no way advocating a permissive parenting style ^ because I have a lot off issues with that style of parenting too, it does a disservice to the children.

There is a middle ground between permissive and my parents do as I shout style

I think the middle ground is where there can be responsibility, punishments and negative consequences... but they all have to be reasonable, appropriate and the child needs clearly explained parameters to work within and they also need to be shown how to behave as well as how not to behave.

There is always a reason behind our actions. It doesn't have to be 'deep seated' or require a therapist, but if we don't address the reason for a behaviour, then it (or something similar) will happen again.

The reason I used to read my library book by torchlight when I was supposed to be asleep was that I wanted to. I wanted to find out what happened. I knew I shouldn't be doing it, I knew the reasons why, I chose to do it anyway. How should my parents have addressed my behaviour?

You asked a question about the punishment. Why did you bother if your not interested in listening- yes it's too harsh.

DameAlyson - if I was your parent it wouldn't have bothered me and I'd have let you carry on. Reading in secret doesn't seem like the crime of the century and reading is pretty good for kids! I wonder if your parents knew but let you get away with it.

However, let's just say for the sake of argument, that it was impacting your ability to get up for school the next day and I wasn't happy with this behaviour as a parent for some reason. Or I wanted you to learn it wasn't ok to the break the rules. If I asked you the reason and you said it was because you liked reading and wanted to find out what happened next in the story - then I could discuss with you 'thats great, I'm so pleased you love reading so much and totally get that you want to find out why happens next! However, it's too late to be reading at X time as you have school tomorrow, so let's find another time where you will get to indulge in your passion for reading. How about we set an hour aside after school, or go to bed earlier, or we allow you to read late on weekends....' I'd also explain that if we agree on the rules, you need to stick to them as it's not ok in society to break rules. Perhaps we could come up with punishment together if you break the rules after we've now had this chat? Maybe no reading on one of the nights we'd agreed you could stay up?

@StinkingCold you sound like a really great parent will you be my mum? but when I was little I would have literally read all through the night and fallen asleep at school every night if I didn't have an enforced bedtime.

My parents were too strict and that leaves it's own damage but I think some rules are there for good reasons and should be kept to - albeit without the shouting and being made to feel like the child has committed the worst crime known to parents of course.

news.virginia.edu/content/study-overbearing-parents-lead-long-term-struggles-relationships-education

OP you sound like you tried to scare her straight (because of her personality type she won't do it again), this may be a useful look into what can happen without a bit of balance as others have been suggesting.

It's certainly true in my case.

@StinkingCold you sound lovely. One of my DC used to read until silly o'clock. XH was all for coming down on him like a ton of bricks, but I said that so long as he was waking up in time for school, not tired during the day, and was able to do all his prep etc then I didn't see why it was an issue. He is still a voracious reader in his 20s.

Blimey the attitudes on punishment on this thread is why there are so many naughty kids at my dcs school!

In my experience the 'naughtiest' kids tend to be those that are punished all the time. They just don't give a flying one.