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Original poster

Appropriate punishment?

234 replies

SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 14:14

Caught my 7 year old last night up watching her iPad at gone 11. She had snuck downstairs and got it out of the cabinet and took it upstairs to her bedroom. This, ontop of losing her camera she got for a birthday a month ago and not being remotely remourseful about it plus her attitude in general at the minute, we’ve decided no more screen time for the next week until her bedroom has been tidied and her camera has been found. It’s definitely in there somewhere, it hasnt left the house.

She just seems to have no respect for her stuff at all. We told her if she carries on like this then we won’t bother getTing her anything nice for Christmas as she will just lose it. She just shrugged and said ok.

She never used to be like this! We’ve said from now on she can go to bed and it’s lights straight off until she can show us sue can behave. Is this effective for her age?

OP posts:
Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 18:21

It’s her responsibility because she’s the one who lost it.

I can’t believe how babied some kids on here are. She’s 7 not 3.

OP posts:
LST · 20/09/2021 18:28

@SheABitSpicyToday

It’s her responsibility because she’s the one who lost it.

I can’t believe how babied some kids on here are. She’s 7 not 3.

I'm honestly gobsmacked op. But seeing a summer full of unruly kids who obviously haven't ever had a consequence in their life, now makes sense.
SpeedRunParent · 20/09/2021 18:39

@MaskingForIt

It just sounds like you’re a lot more materialistic than she is. Good for her.
Do you have a tween girl Maskingforit? I can't fathom how you have made this about materialism when the OP has clearly described fairly typical tween attitude issues.
Goldenbear · 20/09/2021 18:39

Yes, carry on believing your own hype there but permissive parenting is different to proactively, dare I say it, being more imaginative as to how you bring up a child. Seven year olds are just beginning to figure out right from wrong and they will mess up as a result. Why is your child watching hours of netflix anyway, it doesn't sound very stimulating, are you offering any guidance and interaction as it is important to be positive especially with a new baby arriving so that they don't feel pushed out.

Goldenbear · 20/09/2021 18:41

Since when was a 7 year old a 'tween'?

SpeedRunParent · 20/09/2021 18:41

Actually, I misread that it was an 11 year old, 7 is pretty early to be giving that level of attitude. Is she unhappy about something?

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 18:43

@Goldenbear no I’m not offering more guidance at 11pm. I have no idea why she decided watch hours of Netflix instead of sleeping. I’d imagine because it’s more fun than sleeping. She still knows it naughty though, hence the secrecy.

OP posts:
EmotionalSupportBear · 20/09/2021 18:52

Oh.. 7... mine went full stroppy/defiant madam at that age xD

My advice is don't do overkill for first offence.

24hr ban, making it clear that any repeat will incur further (Reasonable) consequences.. such as it being 48hrs next time.

I keep their tablets in my room overnight as they kept sneaking downstairs for them (ds did it too) they hand them over at bedtime and they come to bed with me, they get them back at breakfast time.

The lost camera/lack of respect for belongings is a different matter entirely, and shouldn't be lumped in with the sneaking... that's solved by making her tidy/help find it, and making it clear if she loses it again, it'll be confiscated and only handed over under supervision until she can learn to treat her stuff with some respect.

Ultimately, work with her, don't overkill on punishments (leave yourself room to escalate if necessary), set some boundaries/rules with her, and remember she is only 7.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 20/09/2021 19:58

And no it’s not my toy, what a ridiculous accusation. It’s very much gets in just annoyed that she so desperately wanted it and had been asking for It for almost a year and she’s managed to lose it in the space of a few weeks.

It's a lesson for her and a natural consequence so there's no real need to get annoyed. She didn't tidy it away, so she can't find it, so she can't play with it. It sounded like your toy because you seemed more upset about it vanishing than she is.

Anyway, if she spends all next year agitating to get a kitten you'll know to think twice.

Block · 20/09/2021 20:32

And no it’s not my toy, what a ridiculous accusation. It’s very much gets in just annoyed that she so desperately wanted it and had been asking for It for almost a year and she’s managed to lose it in the space of a few weeks

Because asking for things when they have no clue about value or anything else is a thing that children do, OP. Losing these same things comes into the same category.

You are ignoring some experienced posters here who are saying very sensible things.

HikingforScenery · 20/09/2021 20:37

A week with no screen time is adequate. You’ve to find a way to address the sneakiness. That would bother me a lot.

HikingforScenery · 20/09/2021 20:39

Can you put time restrictions on the iPad?

girlmom21 · 21/09/2021 07:47

[quote SheABitSpicyToday]@Goldenbear no I’m not offering more guidance at 11pm. I have no idea why she decided watch hours of Netflix instead of sleeping. I’d imagine because it’s more fun than sleeping. She still knows it naughty though, hence the secrecy.[/quote]
Why don't you just ask why she did it? You expect her to tidy her own room at 7 but won't have a conversation with her about why she chose to overstep boundaries?

LST · 21/09/2021 08:01

@girlmom21 does everyone not expect their 7 year old to be able to tidy their own room? You act as though it's a weird idea

bumblingbovine49 · 21/09/2021 08:12

You are mixing up all sorts of things . Punishing her for several things at once makes her feel hopeless to be able to change things and tells her she is a terrible person

She lost a camera and is in untidy child those are not things to punish her for they are things to help her with.

Telling her you will continue to punish her (sending her to bed early etc) until she can 'behave appropriately for her age' is a pretty poor parenting technique. That outcome is so non specific as to be useless.

She has lost a camera and she doesn't care that much, then don't buy her expensive things again until she is older and/or shows more responsibility and by all means and insist she helps look for it but this has nothing to do with the IPad. Mixing them together in a litany of complaints about her general behaviour does not help.

Sneaking the iPad out to watch it suggests problems with impulsivity. Perhaps explaining why you don't want her to have too much screen time along with a short and lightly applied punishment such as a few days of no.screens with a tone that shows you still love her if not what she did would be more appropriate

Your whole post seems to be very negative about her generally. You mention that this behaviour is fairly new , I'd be worried that means something has happened to cause it and would be trying to understand my child more than just punishing them

BrendaBubbles · 21/09/2021 08:37

You’re a right bunch of miseries. Life is short, do you really want one of your child’s lasting memories to be some over the top performance punishment? I got a week of detention for throwing a paper airplane at school and I had a huge disdain for the institution after that.

wingingit987 · 21/09/2021 08:47

Someone said you to materialistic is being ridiculous.

1, the sneaky ness of it I wound say at least 5 days screen ban.

2, the bedroom she may need assistance doing so while she's on the screen ban maybe you can help her.

Teaching children the value of money isn't a bad thing she's lost this camera which cost money if she wants nice things she needs to look after her stuff otherwise you won't buy her it as it's a waste of money.

wingingit987 · 21/09/2021 08:49

@SheABitSpicyToday

I never said she’s not getting anything for Christmas. But she won’t be getting a big main present if she can’t look after her stuff. All she had to do was put the camera away where I asked her to and she hasn’t. 7 is more than old enough to do these things seeing as she’s always managed to do these thing up until this shift in attitude.
This I completely agree with why would you waste money on expensive things if she isn't going to look after then she will have to wait until she's older.
N4ish · 21/09/2021 09:07

Seems like an overreaction to me and you risk getting entrenched in a “you against DD’ mindset. You’ve put the iPad away safely at night so this can’t happen again, that would be enough for me. I’m not a believer in punishments, there’s always a root cause for sudden shifts in behaviour.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/09/2021 09:10

She knows not to get out of bed unless she needs me or to go to the toilet or get a drink. She took the headphones sos that the noise wouldn’t wake me. It was very sneaky and there’s no way I’m letting that go without consequences.

As crimes go that seems pretty trivial, who hasn't crept downstairs to get a book and read under the covers (I used to sneak to the bathroom to read at night not to wake my sister) So it's not "very sneaky" it's just normal sneakiness for her age Smile. And one of the things you get from an iPad video in bed is comfort. Is it OK for her to need you just for comfort and company, or would that count as getting out of bed for no reason? Or are you disappointed that she didn't come to you for comfort?

Sadly for you and your like minded folk that want to believe this false nanny 911 narrative!

Eh? Which Nanny 911 narrative? Nanny 911 is usually about making sure the child's emotional needs are met and that expectations of behaviour are realistic for age and child's abilities, plus the usual stuff about routines, attention, positive and negative consequences and consistency. Which bit do you disapprove of?

OP it would be a good idea to rebuild a warm loving relationship with her now, before the new baby arrives. You are expecting her to behave like a reasonable careful and good tempered young lady who stays in bed when she's told and is grateful for expensive presents and doesn't lose her things or change her mind about what she wants. And you're getting annoyed and punishing her when she dosen't meet those expectations. But if you're so angry with her for not meeting your expectations now, how is that expectation going to play when the baby arrives? A seven year old with a new sibling often morphs into a 3 year old!

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 21/09/2021 09:49

Some of you have some wild imaginations.

My daughter is very happy. She was a dick, she’s been punished. Guess what? She’s still a loving happy little girl!

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 21/09/2021 09:57

AmaryllisNightAndDay are you joking? You do realise these are TV programmes with a set formula designed to pull in audience with its shock, horror and humiliation.

The autocratic way is not the only way to bring up children. Enforcement of the rules with punishmnets and acceptance of your child being contingent on their behaviouris not unconditional love and if you have a child that's what you should be providing. A child should be encouraged to reflect on their outlook and choices and not just take the right course of action because they are scared to do otherwise I.e with a punishment t awaiting them.

Goldenbear · 21/09/2021 10:02

You need to read up on cognitive development and understand at a deeper level what motivates her to do the things she is doing. Disrespectful parenting is not the only way.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 21/09/2021 10:03

I did enough reading on cognitive development during my 4 year psychology degree thanks.

I don’t agree with your parenting and you don’t agree with mine. Leave it.

OP posts:
N4ish · 21/09/2021 10:11

Nice to describe your 7 year old daughter as a dick . . . .