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AIBU?

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Original poster

Appropriate punishment?

234 replies

SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 14:14

Caught my 7 year old last night up watching her iPad at gone 11. She had snuck downstairs and got it out of the cabinet and took it upstairs to her bedroom. This, ontop of losing her camera she got for a birthday a month ago and not being remotely remourseful about it plus her attitude in general at the minute, we’ve decided no more screen time for the next week until her bedroom has been tidied and her camera has been found. It’s definitely in there somewhere, it hasnt left the house.

She just seems to have no respect for her stuff at all. We told her if she carries on like this then we won’t bother getTing her anything nice for Christmas as she will just lose it. She just shrugged and said ok.

She never used to be like this! We’ve said from now on she can go to bed and it’s lights straight off until she can show us sue can behave. Is this effective for her age?

OP posts:
Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 20/09/2021 15:07

Seems to me that she hasn't been modelled or enforced the behaviour you expect of her.

She's 7. So she not going to be great at tidying her room without help. So every Saturday you go in and help her tidy it. Get rid of things if there's too much and organise the stuff she keeps. Over the course of several Saturday morning gs she will understand how things go away properly.
She could also tidy it before bed every night. This way it keeps on top of everything.

Sneaking down for the I pad. I'd have a stern talk with her and if you feel it's appropriate you can take it away the next day.

No Christmas presents is just stupid. Of course your not going to give her absolutely nothing for Christmas. She knows this and so do you. So it meaningless and teaches nothing.
It also sets her up to think she will be naughty to have such a punishment in the future.

Spend time with her more. Play in her room with her, let her have friends over. This way she has to have a lovely room to share with the people she loves and enjoys playing with.

Give her positive attention. Not negative.
She doesn't care about punishment anymore because she knows it inevitable and has probably lost respect for you

She's 7. She still very young. Guide her through things more. In a non confidential and non negative way.

mairiflowers · 20/09/2021 15:07

Have you come across Alfie Kohn? There's quite a lot of evidence out there that punishments are actually counterproductive in parenting. You can discipline without any artificial punishments at all

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 20/09/2021 15:07

*confrontational (that should say!)

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 15:08

The iPad does have a code, she knows it.

She has a Polaroid camera because that’s what she wanted for Her birthday.

We have a switch because she’s not the only person in the house who enjoys gaming.

I’m not here for judgement by the old “kids only need crayons and a muddy puddle” brigade thanks.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 20/09/2021 15:09

Yes, that's exactly what she did it, she literally 'looked' at it, what else can you do with an iPad ? She made a mistake but can't you just tall to her about it? Why sleeps important etc. You have gone way over the top, do you mean Nintendo Switch so she has all these gadgets at 7 but you don't expect her to be tempted by them? Does she play with any toys and use her imagination?

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 20/09/2021 15:10

@SheABitSpicyToday

She didn’t just “look” at her iPad though did she. It was 11:20 at night and she had been up for hours watching Netflix despite knowing she had school in the morning and that she had been out to bed at 8:30.
Despite knowing she had school in the morning. This sounds like you're talking about someone much older than 7.

I think you need to step back from yourselve and take a look at what's actually going on.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 15:10

Yea of course she plays with toys and uses her imagination.

OP posts:
Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 15:12

And no I don’t expect her to sneak down in the middle of the night and play with them. She has never gotten out of bed before to do anything like this.

OP posts:
Bobsyer · 20/09/2021 15:13

My kids repeatedly do this (well, they sneak their tablets into their rooms rather than taking from a designated area) so I have removed them indefinitely. They’re nearly 13 and have lots of other stuff they can amuse themselves with - just not at bed time.

I’m not at all strict really with screen time, but I do draw a line at bed times. As this is the first time I might give her one more chance to prove she can do as she’s told, but I guess it really depends on what else she does to keep herself occupied.

WildFlowerBees · 20/09/2021 15:14

We had an app on our phone and her iPad so we could restrict times and lock certain apps.

Technology is as much a part of today's children's lives as books were to my generation. I don't know why some are so judgemental about kids having technology.

Change passwords etc but the issue is her sneaking out to get the iPad and headphones and having no regard for rules.

Lweji · 20/09/2021 15:14

Very far from thinking that kids only need crayons, but this particular 7 year old seems a bit spoilt and left to her own devices.
She should not know the iPad code if you want to control her access to it, which you should.

I suspect she knows what happened to the camera. But she may have hidden it from you for fear of your punishments.

Lweji · 20/09/2021 15:15

She has never gotten out of bed before to do anything like this.

That you know.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 15:17

I’ve never needed to control her access to it before now.

And you don’t know what your talking about “all my punishments”? Making out im some sort of Hitler off of one post. Lol.

OP posts:
sirfredfredgeorge · 20/09/2021 15:18

Natural consequence for using iPad at that time is to restrict her access to screens for an appropriate time

This would be a punishment. The natural consequence would be being tired in the morning when at school.

It might be an entirely appropriate punishment (although I don't think so, but then I guess it all depends if you see screens as something rewarding in themselves) but don't pretend it's in any way a natural consequence.

Lweji · 20/09/2021 15:22

If you are thinking about a week long punishment for watching her iPad during the night, and no nice presents for Christmas for misplacing a present, then yes, I think you have OTT punishments that you normally use. She will have learned to fear them and, yes, to pretend she doesn't care about the.

m0therofdragons · 20/09/2021 15:24

What’s the point of saying you won’t get her anything nice for Christmas? Clearly you won’t follow through so it’s an empty threat.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 15:25

I never said she’s not getting anything for Christmas. But she won’t be getting a big main present if she can’t look after her stuff. All she had to do was put the camera away where I asked her to and she hasn’t.
7 is more than old enough to do these things seeing as she’s always managed to do these thing up until this shift in attitude.

OP posts:
Lweji · 20/09/2021 15:30

this shift in attitude.

I'd be interested in this shift.
Children change, and we have to adapt. I don't think that giving big punishments, let alone hugely delayed punishments, will help at all.

The natural consequence for misplacing the camera is that she doesn't have it. And if she wants it, then she needs to find it, and she needs to put it somewhere where she can find it easily next time.

Have you never lost/misplaced anything? What if your husband lost anything? Would you not give him anything nice for Christmas too?

Has she been misplacing lots of nice things?

Gonnagetgoing · 20/09/2021 15:30

@idontlikealdi

Turn the WiFi off.
This and I'd do no iPad for a month. A week is too short in my opinion.

Sneaking out of bed to watch it and losing her camera is awful too.

As Lweji says why does she have all these expensive things at her age because it honestly sounds like she's not old enough for them and doesn't value them at all.

girlmom21 · 20/09/2021 15:30

I think a week of no screen time is an extreme punishment.

A 3 day ban from the iPad would seem more reasonable.

Did she say why she snuck down to get the iPad? Maybe she couldn't sleep? If that's the case, took to her about suitable alternatives, like reading a book.

Lweji · 20/09/2021 15:32

This and I'd do no iPad for a month. A week is too short in my opinion.

Sneaking out of bed to watch it and losing her camera is awful too.

What if she happened to break the iPad (which can easily happen)? No gadgets or wifi for life?

LST · 20/09/2021 15:32

@SheABitSpicyToday

I never said she’s not getting anything for Christmas. But she won’t be getting a big main present if she can’t look after her stuff. All she had to do was put the camera away where I asked her to and she hasn’t. 7 is more than old enough to do these things seeing as she’s always managed to do these thing up until this shift in attitude.
I don't know why you're getting stick for this op. I've said the same to my almost 8 year old. He has no respect for things. He's asked for a switch for Xmas and I have said unless his attitude changes he isn't getting one either. He's also had his tablet after hours and he had it taken off him for 3 days.
Gonnagetgoing · 20/09/2021 15:32

@Lweji

If you are thinking about a week long punishment for watching her iPad during the night, and no nice presents for Christmas for misplacing a present, then yes, I think you have OTT punishments that you normally use. She will have learned to fear them and, yes, to pretend she doesn't care about the.
I think OP could take off the iPad for a month (for watching it during the night) and that wouldn't be too harsh but the no nice presents for misplacing a present is very harsh.

This could be a one off provided it doesn't happen again. If OP keeps on using these punishments then her DD would be learning to fear in my opinion.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 20/09/2021 15:33

@Mamamia7962

Also I remember at that age I loved reading, still do. I used to read under the bed covers with a torch. Don't think I ever got caught either!
Same here :) Though I did get caught - quite a few times. Didn't stop ne though and I didn't have my parents asking everyone at the school gates how to punish me.
MatildaTheCat · 20/09/2021 15:33

Is there any chance she’s broken the camera and hidden it? Or just doesn’t like it as much as she thought she would?

I think at 7 she’s quite young for all this stuff and needs more supervision. Yes, put the iPad etc away for a few days or a week but also explain that you’ve realised she’s not able to be responsible yet so you’ve changed the password. Check she’s asleep in bed when she’s supposed to be.

Is she your youngest? I think sometimes you can start to assume they are capable of the same stuff as older siblings when of course they aren’t.