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AIBU?

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Original poster

Appropriate punishment?

234 replies

SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 14:14

Caught my 7 year old last night up watching her iPad at gone 11. She had snuck downstairs and got it out of the cabinet and took it upstairs to her bedroom. This, ontop of losing her camera she got for a birthday a month ago and not being remotely remourseful about it plus her attitude in general at the minute, we’ve decided no more screen time for the next week until her bedroom has been tidied and her camera has been found. It’s definitely in there somewhere, it hasnt left the house.

She just seems to have no respect for her stuff at all. We told her if she carries on like this then we won’t bother getTing her anything nice for Christmas as she will just lose it. She just shrugged and said ok.

She never used to be like this! We’ve said from now on she can go to bed and it’s lights straight off until she can show us sue can behave. Is this effective for her age?

OP posts:
Lweji · 20/09/2021 15:57

At 7 & 9, my two decided to delete my parental controls app on my phone as they blamed it for limiting their tech time.

I would be quite impressed. (but not let them know)

cherrytreecottage · 20/09/2021 15:58

@BasementIdeas

Has no one read the OP? Why are you all so fixated on the camera?

A 7 year old sneaked and iPad out of the cabinet and was playing on it well after bedtime. No screen time for a week is definitely appropriate

Agree!
itsgettingwierd · 20/09/2021 16:02

I don't think it's harsh removing for a week.

She deliberately did something she knew she couldn't and it's a natural consequence that if you can't stop using something at the right time you need time off it to break that "need".

I do wonder though if the attitude change could be hormones? Girls start puberty at this age in some cases and it can cause some quite confrontational and don't careish outbursts.

The important thing is not to let her see her behaviour is bothering you so she gets no reward for it. Be non chalent and make breaking the rules boring for her!

Gonnagetgoing · 20/09/2021 16:04

@Lweji

She knows this is naughty and she should be sleeping.

Does she?
She probably woke up, or couldn't sleep and simply wanted to watch it. Or she wanted to watch the next episode of a series.

Naughty would be kicking a dog for no reason, for example.
She was just being a young child. As others suggested, I'd prefer to talk to her about why she should not be awake at that time, and find other strategies to get to sleep.

With DS I used to tell him a story about myself, or a boy surprisingly similar to him, to show the consequences of whatever action. For a first time, I'd let him know what would happen next time.

I don’t think she’s broken the camera because she was trying to find it to take to my dads at the weekend but couldn’t find it.

That was her punishment, then. You won't give her a new camera, which is a natural consequence. She needs to find it. And she needs to place it where she can find it next time.

Personally at age 7 I do think she knows she's being naughty sneaking downstairs to find and watch the iPad etc and she must know how late it was because it means she is not sleeping when she should be!

Yes, other strategies to help her get to sleep would be useful though. Yes good idea re story re consequences and letting her know what will happen next time this happens.

Gonnagetgoing · 20/09/2021 16:05

@Lweji

At 7 & 9, my two decided to delete my parental controls app on my phone as they blamed it for limiting their tech time.

I would be quite impressed. (but not let them know)

Impressive of the kids!
girlmom21 · 20/09/2021 16:05

@SheABitSpicyToday

She can earn it back by finding her camera and she’s agreed to that.
She'll conveniently find that pretty quickly.
Glittertwins · 20/09/2021 16:05

Password protect the iPad so even if she does get it, she can't use it.

GinIronic · 20/09/2021 16:06

Poor kid. Punishment. Punishment.

FourTeaFallOut · 20/09/2021 16:07

Jesus, sneaking a biscuit is hardly a the type of thing to label a kid deceitful. Don't you ever wander in to the kitchen and fancy a biscuit? They aren't rustling through your handbag to feed a drug habit.

LST · 20/09/2021 16:11

@GinIronic

Poor kid. Punishment. Punishment.
So it's ok for children to just not do as they are told and not care about their things? Right ok. Obviously been doing it wrong HmmConfused
Bingomangoes · 20/09/2021 16:13

Of course no screen time for a week is appropriate for a 7yr old, she snuck out of her room after bed time to do something she knew very well was not ok. It's not even a very harsh punishment it's just no screens for 1 week there are a million other things she can do instead and in fact when mine were banned from screens they suddenly remembered all their other toys existed, it was actually quite beneficial.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 16:13

I think there definitely could be some hormones involved as she really does the moody teenager thing now.

I told her about my weekend when I picked her up from my dads (after she refused to tell me about hers) and she said “that sounds boring and your food sounds disgusting.” Just really rude and mardy and nothing like how she’s always been. Perhaps spending too much time with my pre teen sister had had an effect.

OP posts:
GoodForTheSoul · 20/09/2021 16:15

Taking an iPad away for a week is harsh? Why is OP using punishment for bad behaviour? Threads like this explain all the spoilt & entitled kids I come across. Your kids are going to have a tough time adjusting to the real world, having been raised with no discipline.

Lweji · 20/09/2021 16:16

Perhaps spending too much time with my pre teen sister had had an effect.

I was going to say she sounded like a teen, yes. Grin

Honestly, if you get a raise out of it (or if you're triggered, as my teen would say), then you'll have some very difficult teen years. A sense of humour is your best friend.

Billybagpuss · 20/09/2021 16:16

Is it possible she’s distracted and acting up knowing that in 2 months time she won’t be an only child anymore.

As excited as she might be for a new baby, it’s going to be a time of big change for her, she’s had you to herself forever, now it will change.

LST · 20/09/2021 16:16

@GoodForTheSoul

Taking an iPad away for a week is harsh? Why is OP using punishment for bad behaviour? Threads like this explain all the spoilt & entitled kids I come across. Your kids are going to have a tough time adjusting to the real world, having been raised with no discipline.
You've put it better than me.
OnTheBenchOfDoom · 20/09/2021 16:17

Password protect the ipad so she has to come to you to get time on it.

Also re wifi, you can cut individual devices, so you can cut kids off but not yourself. Google your router and how to identify and disable individual devices. Dh just used the threat of doing this and the children could see it could be done.

Sometimes children make out they are not bothered about something, for a 7 year old Christmas is a very long time away. I think maybe now there is a new rule of a tidy bedroom every day. Make it part of the routine. I have teenagers with very tidy rooms as we enforced this from an early age.

Seesawmummadaw · 20/09/2021 16:18

You said it’s unusual behaviour for her and you have a new baby coming soon. I expect this time is hard for both of you.
I wouldn’t be too hard on her.

Maybe help to look for the camera and change the settings on the iPad so she can use it but only for an hour a day.

Genegenieee · 20/09/2021 16:18

You can put restrictions on specific app usage on iPad, if she's been able to watch Netflix for hours it sounds like you aren't using those yet. Worth getting your head round - it's Netflix now but will be various social media apps / games in a few short years. Doesn't change need for consequences etc. But I don't think others have mentioned, apologies if they have.

I think I would be trying to get under the skin of why she is disregarding your rules and consequences / punishment though.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 20/09/2021 16:19

Set up screen time on the iPad, really easy to do and locks it after a certain time. Yes loss of screen time is appropriate punishment for sneaking down and tidying her room to find the camera is just natural consequences isn't it.

ScabbyHorse · 20/09/2021 16:20

You have to teach them how to tidy and clean. My DS can do it now but he is 15! It took years of teaching him...I tried to do it when I was in the mood and made it into a semi fun thing ie not in a rush. And he had to decide whether to keep stuff or donate or throw. He is still learning how to notice stuff that needs doing in the rest of the house though.

QforCucumber · 20/09/2021 16:20

It was 11:20 at night and she had been up for hours watching Netflix

if she had been put to bed at 8, what time did you then go to bed for her to then sneak downstairs and have been watching it for hours?

LST · 20/09/2021 16:27

@QforCucumber

It was 11:20 at night and she had been up for hours watching Netflix

if she had been put to bed at 8, what time did you then go to bed for her to then sneak downstairs and have been watching it for hours?

We sometimes go to bed at the same time as the DC. That's when mine has snuck down and got it
Bingomangoes · 20/09/2021 16:29

I assumed the OP was still up but in a different room when her daughter snuck downstairs. Then discovered daughter with iPad when she went up to bed herself.

BiBabbles · 20/09/2021 16:30

Whether the bedtime part is effective depends on the child, though more sleep might be useful to her moods. I don't think making any remarks about Christmas is useful though - it's too far out to have much meaning or really feel like a consequence to this action.

Putting the lock on the device so you have to unlock it is a good first step. I'd keep that for a while and discuss how such actions like sneaking stuff out result in a loss of trust. Changing the environment can make action changes easier.

As she's already agreed to look for the camera, I'd hold off, but if it takes more than another week, I'd support her by going through her room with her and reestablishing how to find places for things. Development isn't linear - it's normal for kids to sometimes have to relearn some skills, particularly at a time of big changes like a new sibling or the first flutters of adolescent hormones.

I'd pull up the rude remarks, mostly just by labeling them - that was rude, that was nasty. Possibly adding on that I'd doubt they'd like if someone talked to them like that/asking how she would feel if X person she admired said that to her, though that depends on personality - some will just bluster that they don't care. My general message with kids that age is don't do to other people what you don't want done to you. I really only get to punishment for remarks if they're being purposefully cruel particularly to another kid, and then it's usually being stuck with an adult to supervise because they can't be trusted to manage themselves and not hurt others.

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