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Original poster

Appropriate punishment?

234 replies

SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 14:14

Caught my 7 year old last night up watching her iPad at gone 11. She had snuck downstairs and got it out of the cabinet and took it upstairs to her bedroom. This, ontop of losing her camera she got for a birthday a month ago and not being remotely remourseful about it plus her attitude in general at the minute, we’ve decided no more screen time for the next week until her bedroom has been tidied and her camera has been found. It’s definitely in there somewhere, it hasnt left the house.

She just seems to have no respect for her stuff at all. We told her if she carries on like this then we won’t bother getTing her anything nice for Christmas as she will just lose it. She just shrugged and said ok.

She never used to be like this! We’ve said from now on she can go to bed and it’s lights straight off until she can show us sue can behave. Is this effective for her age?

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 20/09/2021 15:34

@Lweji

This and I'd do no iPad for a month. A week is too short in my opinion.

Sneaking out of bed to watch it and losing her camera is awful too.

What if she happened to break the iPad (which can easily happen)? No gadgets or wifi for life?

If she broke the iPad that's slightly different. Depends if she was deliberately careless with it and broke it, e.g. stepping on it, or if it was an accident.

But she shouldn't be sneaking out of bed (which is for sleeping) at gone 11pm. She knows this is naughty and she should be sleeping.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 20/09/2021 15:35

If the camera is in the house she hasn't lost it! Why can't the OP find it, or is this just one of those "I need to teach my child how to find things" moments. If so, it's also one of those "choose your battles moments". She's 7, just find it. It will take her hours, it will doubtless take you about 5 minutes.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 15:35

No she’s an only until November when my baby is due.
I don’t think she’s broken the camera because she was trying to find it to take to my dads at the weekend but couldn’t find it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 15:37

If something can’t be found then it’s lost in my world.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 20/09/2021 15:37

@murmuration

Can you change the password on the iPad? Is it new enough to use the fingerprints? I'd suggest making her come to you/a parent to get access to it, at least for a while, until you can trust her to not sneak and use it when she isn't meant to.
That's a good idea. Take off the fingerprint option and change the password on the iPad.

Then you can make her come to you to get access to it and you could do this for a month and it would be supervised access from you to use it rather than taking it off her.

TartanJumper · 20/09/2021 15:37

11pm is an unusual time for being awake at that age- is she sleeping poorly? (not excusing her sneaking downstairs, just wondering)

I don't know why you're getting stick for this op. I've said the same to my almost 8 year old. He has no respect for things. He's asked for a switch for Xmas and I have said unless his attitude changes he isn't getting one either. He's also had his tablet after hours and he had it taken off him for 3 days

I agree. Not having big expensive Christmas gifts isn't really a hardship, although it can be disappointing. Not getting anything would be excessive, not getting flashy gifts isn't.

Gonnagetgoing · 20/09/2021 15:38

@SheABitSpicyToday

No she’s an only until November when my baby is due. I don’t think she’s broken the camera because she was trying to find it to take to my dads at the weekend but couldn’t find it.
Ah interesting re being an only for now. Do you think she's playing up a bit because your baby is due soon? Do you think she's worried the baby will take up more of your time and leave less for her?
Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 15:39

@TartanJumper I’m not sure, she’s usually off to sleep as soon as she gets into bed. She had a few late nights the apparently over the weekend as she was at my dads.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 20/09/2021 15:40

She's still very little. Small children are impulsive and have poor self-control. By 7, they've also learnt how to be quite sneaky to get what they want. It's an unfortunate combination.

I wouldn't punish at all for this. I'd have a chat with her and let her know that you're disappointed in her. Then I'd talk with her about how the rules are there for a reason (to keep everyone safe, so we can keep our things nice and know where they are, to make sure everyone gets enough sleep for school the next day etc.). I'd ask her to work with you by sticking to the rules to make sure that everyone in the house is happy and not tired the next day. Explain that you want to be able to trust her and have fun with her, not punish her and take things away.

Btw, I think the camera is a lovely present - I'm getting my DC a toddler one for Christmas because they love the idea of taking pictures of things. Hopefully it will turn up soon.

fallfallfall · 20/09/2021 15:41

You sound so angry and your adding and adding reasons why you should be punishing her and more.
Getting and sneaking an iPad is not a big deal, just make sure it’s tucked away higher/more discretely.
And what a conscientious little one to use headphones, that’s a very kind gesture.

WildFlowerBees · 20/09/2021 15:42

When you've spent good money on something you expect it to be kept nicely and not to be lost so I can see why op is irritated that she can't find it, it makes you not want to buy them anything nice again. At 7 she should know that belongings need to be looked after.

DameAlyson · 20/09/2021 15:43

Also I remember at that age I loved reading, still do. I used to read under the bed covers with a torch. Don't think I ever got caught either!

I did. The punishment was the book being taken away. Since it was a library book, that meant I didn't get to finish it until I was able to take it out of the library again. It was a Famous Five, as I recall.

Obviously I was annoyed at not being able to finish the book, but I knew I shouldn't have been reading at that time, in a poor light, and I didn't think it was unfair. I didn't, as pp have suggested, 'learn to fear'.

LST · 20/09/2021 15:43

@fallfallfall

You sound so angry and your adding and adding reasons why you should be punishing her and more. Getting and sneaking an iPad is not a big deal, just make sure it’s tucked away higher/more discretely. And what a conscientious little one to use headphones, that’s a very kind gesture.
The head phones were blatantly so she wasn't clocked not doing as she was told

Blimey the attitudes on punishment on this thread is why there are so many naughty kids at my dcs school!

LST · 20/09/2021 15:44

No idea where the angry faces have come from. I didn't add those!

Driftingblue · 20/09/2021 15:48

Taking away Christmas is never an appropriate punishment.

Neither is lights out. Bedtime reading time only gets lost if it has simply gotten too late and will interfere with sleep.

Totally fine to remove screen time during the day. It’s basically the go-to modern punishment.

But also don’t set your kids up to fail. Use parental controls and block them out of devices during inappropriate hours. Even adults have trouble resisting picking them up when we shouldn’t. Every electronic device, like the camera, should have an assigned spot in the house and a time once a day that it must be in that spot. . You have to teach some kids to take care of their things, it doesn’t come naturally for all.

Our check-in is part of the now unsupervised bedtime routine, though occasionally devices can be taken back out now that DD is older and she has earned some trust and some later evening use of certain things. It took several years for us to get to the point where we could
trust her to say, “mom i need an extra hour of internet time because I feel like drawing before bed and want to look up examples” and be able to trust that she would shut everything off on time and put it away properly and charging.

ProcrastinationIsMySuperPower · 20/09/2021 15:48

I'd limit screen time for a few days in these circumstances.

We use the Family Link app which sets screen time limits, and we set a bedtime after which she can't use her devices, which negates this issue entirely - I'm not certain, but guessing there must be a similar app available for Apple devices?

BlueMoons90 · 20/09/2021 15:48

Have you asked her why she got up and got her iPad instead of going to sleep? I always try and ask my DC why they did something so I can understand their actions more. E.g. DS who is 3, bit his DB the other day. I asked why and he explained (as well as a 3 year old can).

I think a week without an iPad is excessive, I would probably just say until Friday.

Lweji · 20/09/2021 15:49

She knows this is naughty and she should be sleeping.

Does she?
She probably woke up, or couldn't sleep and simply wanted to watch it. Or she wanted to watch the next episode of a series.

Naughty would be kicking a dog for no reason, for example.
She was just being a young child. As others suggested, I'd prefer to talk to her about why she should not be awake at that time, and find other strategies to get to sleep.

With DS I used to tell him a story about myself, or a boy surprisingly similar to him, to show the consequences of whatever action. For a first time, I'd let him know what would happen next time.

I don’t think she’s broken the camera because she was trying to find it to take to my dads at the weekend but couldn’t find it.

That was her punishment, then. You won't give her a new camera, which is a natural consequence. She needs to find it. And she needs to place it where she can find it next time.

Coulddowithanap · 20/09/2021 15:49

We would say no tablet for a week (hide it away somewhere) then give her the chance to earn it back with good behaviour.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 20/09/2021 15:50

She can earn it back by finding her camera and she’s agreed to that.

OP posts:
Bebabelouba · 20/09/2021 15:51

Lots of change at yours then OP with a new baby on the way Flowers
Has Dd just started a new school? Just asking as local to me children move to upper primary or junior school.

I wonder if any of that counts for a change in her, if she sees herself as being older?
It will be nice if she can find her camera for baby pics etc.

I personally wouldn't sweat the consequence too much. A night or two of lights out straight away would give her a chance to catch up on sleep. If you think she will go to sleep.
I wouldn't worry too much though. It's not the most heinous crime Smile.

Goldbar · 20/09/2021 15:52

OP, I think you need to be clear about what you want from her. She sounds quite strong-willed (and that's not necessarily a bad thing!) so you need to give her a way to climb down gracefully without feeling like she's conceding defeat in a battle between you and her. As the adult, I'm afraid you're going to have to make the first move on this as it's too much to expect from her.

Lweji · 20/09/2021 15:53

Blimey the attitudes on punishment on this thread is why there are so many naughty kids at my dcs school!

My DS is definitely not naughty (not a word I'd use anyway) with anyone, and he was given appropriate punishments when necessary. He has also always known that I follow through when I threaten anything. My nephews know too.
But I don't over do punishments, nor threaten things in a distant time, nor threaten things that I don't intend to do.

OP's attitude is more likely to produce said naughty kids, IMO.

Atalune · 20/09/2021 15:53

Sneaking is bad whether it was an iPad or a biscuit. It’s deceitful!

Punishment seems tough compared to the crime- so 2 days on NO screen time with new limits and codes in place going forward.

I know yoy DONT want a lecture on screen limits and so on. But she is still quite little to have so many techs gadgets and with your lack of knowledge and expertise around setting limits, family link and so on. Perhaps it is time to reassess all round?

BogRollBOGOF · 20/09/2021 15:55

At 7 & 9, my two decided to delete my parental controls app on my phone as they blamed it for limiting their tech time.
They were rumbled pretty quickly as I also use it to extend their time Grin

They were banned from tech for a week with a caveat (for every one's sanity, especially as it was summer 2020) that they could earn a modest tech allowence by doing chores.

They knew they were wrong and after an initial upset at being found out, took the consequences in good grace.

I wouldn't make a thing about Christmas presents, but if she isn't looking after expensive items and is exceeding reasonable boundaries, then it is reasonable to consider what presents are appropriate.