To have had enough of sex?!

[PandaEyed13]

Back story: Sex! Me and hubby started out the way most young people do - couldn't get enough! Day, night and anything in-between!

Present day: It's 11 years, 2 children, a house to run and 2 full time jobs later! I'm knackered, I really am! The old libido isn't what it used to be and it's because of a mix of things really - I had a difficult birth with my 2nd baby 4 years ago, I had a forceps delivery and an episiotomy, there was a lot of stitches, a long healing time and a lot of scar tissue, sex has only just started to stop feeling tender down there over the last year. Plus I'm older, a bit creakier, a teeny bit heavier, a lot sleepier and juggling a few different roles; I'm wife, mum, employee, carer as our youngest has special needs, cook, cleaner and so many others that the role of minx just doesn't feel like it's really me anymore - and I'm ok with it! The problem isn't the actual act itself, it's not boring or flat when we do it, it's great! The bottom line on the topic really is that I just don't need it as much anymore, I don't get as much as I used to get from it when I was 23 and to be honest..as bad as it sounds..once a month would suit me down to the ground!
However, DH would have it every night if he could, his own drive is much higher. So I do try! Nowadays, it's twice a week. That's not the problem though, the problem is he pesters every night. Literally every night, as soon as the kids have gone to bed, while I'm sat there on the couch watching TV at 8:30pm, it starts! Every night.
He sulks like a child and refuses to talk to me for the rest of the night on the ones that I say "not tonight dear." I do not over exaggerate, he does not talk to me until well into the next day!
He refuses to take matters into his own hands (excuse the pun), as in, he will not 'self love' if you know what I mean, because apparently that is my job! He says it's naff and that it's like hoping for a takeaway pizza and having to settle for cheese on toast!
Any time a saucy scene comes on the TV he huffs and makes some sarky remark like "hmm wonder what that's like!" or "I wouldn't know mate!" I spend most evenings getting ignored, getting the cold shoulder and alone, as he stomps off to sit in the other room and sulk.
I'm beginning to become resentful. I'm finding myself relenting and doing it anyway on times when I really just don't want to. I don't think any of the way he acts towards me in these moments of what he believes to be rejection is acceptable. I feel like we're constantly walking shaky ground that wobbles between emotional blackmail and sexual harassment! He doesn't talk to anyone about these things, he tells nobody because apparently this just isn't the sort of thing mates talk about, so I feel like there's nobody to say to him, "best not treat her like shit because you didn't get it, that's straddling a line there mate/love/dear!" I'm the only one who ever tells him it's not OK to act this way because you didn't get some, but he obviously just thinks I'm talking crap as I'm the one on the opposing side of his argument and calls me a boring old housemaid!
In less charged moments, we have talked and I have been totally honest about how I feel about it all personally. I've openly explained I just don't have as high a drive as him anymore and told him my reasons, but promised to make more effort to meet his needs if he felt like physical connection is a more important part of the relationship to him. And I do, as I say - twice a week is me reeeaaally giving it my all. He in return vows to lay off a bit more and to possibly see to himself on occasions, because in these less charged moments of daylight clarity, he does feel mortified at how his behaviour looks towards me when he gets like he does. But the next day, as soon as the kids have gone up, it's all forgotten again and it's back to the mithering for it like a teenage boy and sulking and freezing me out and slamming drawers and doors!
In every other aspect of life and our relationship he's brill. Great dad, good laugh, works hard, my family and friends love him, pulls his weight round the house. We're the absolute best of friends and we adore being with each other, we'd be together every minute if we could. I have no trust issues or worry and have 100% confidence that his head will never be turned or that he'll go looking elsewhere! But there's this private problem that is threatening to swallow everything else up and I honestly do believe that it would eventually be a relationship ender some day down the line should things continue the way they are, because I'm at my limit! I don't want to feel pressured/cajoled/bullied into doing the deed when I don't want to anymore! I'm starting to ask myself difficult questions about the acceptability of his behaviour and whether or not I'm experiencing some form of manipulation!
And I know I'm lucky to still have my partner want and desire me so much after all these years, I do factor that in but it's started to become a question of "does he want ME or does he just want IT?" Especially the last couple of years, he's always had a high sex drive but it's been something else over the last couple of years, it's become next level desperation almost!
I guess what I think at this point is that if he still has a sky high drive, and I don't, and I'm trying, but he still has a daily need - he should go take a long shower! I don't think I should be 100% responsible for his sexual satisfaction. Seriously, just back off and go have 10 minutes to yourself! AIBU?

Looking back, I tried to fix it. We both did. But on our own we just couldn't see the others perspective. If I could go back and do things differently, I'd say to take sex off the table - both of you agree to. And instead focus on building intimacy.

This is terrific advice.

I doubt the DH would take it though.

calls me a boring old housemaid!

This is really insulting and quite telling. You're a boring old housemaid compared to who?

What happened around the time he started behaving like this? Did you become a sahm?

My ex got progressively more like this as he developed a porn habit. Many men who behave like this are pornsick.

calls me a boring old housemaid!

Hold on.
You both work full time.
When does he do boring housework?
When does he take on the roles that you do, OP?
... carer as our youngest has special needs, cook, cleaner and so many others ...

He really thinks you are his domestic appliance & sex doll, doesn't he.

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

"He sulks like a child and refuses to talk to me for the rest of the night on the ones that I say "not tonight dear." I do not over exaggerate, he does not talk to me until well into the next day!"

"In every other aspect of life and our relationship he's brill."

So in the few hours between what, lunch and the kids bedtime, when you're presumably not even together because he/you are at work he stops being a controlling, abusive, sex pest and goes back to being a normal human and father who doesn't have a toddler sized tantrum when his wife won't give him an orgasm that he CBA to do himself?

YANBU, but this is so bad that what you can do about it isn't much. You've tried talking to him like an adult. He knows how you feel. He doesn't care.

You obviously don't want to break up your family over this. But it might be your only choice if you don't want to have this happen five nights a week until his sex drive cools down (and that might not even happen, some peoples doesn't).

I don't know how you even make yourself do it twice a year, forget twice a week. The problem might not even be that your sex drive has gone down, it might just be that you don't want to have sex with someone who treats you like a sex doll and has a toddler tantrum when she gets put away.

It's up to you if you dont want to leave him, and understandable you don't want to do it to your kids, but living with this every day isn't something I'd be doing. No way would I be giving him it twice a week when he did this the days I didn't, so all I can say is you could try not giving it to him, and when he stops doing this (if he even does....) then if you want to you do it again but stop when he starts doing this the days you don't.

This.

I think he is hugely emotionally abusive in his behaviour and there would be no way he would be near me nor would I want to be around someone so awful.

You are hugely minimising his sex pest behaviour together with almost daily emotional abuse of you.

I would be asking him to move out and give your some space.

You need space to think abd be away from this dreadful dynamic.

I don't know how you can bear for him to touch you twice a week.

He sounds disgusting.

Whatever you do, OP, don't be fobbed off by your husband sending you an article (can't find it to link to, it was from several years ago) in the Guardian by a woman flogging her book ... the advice in the book was basically that the low libido partner should put out more, and should try to enjoy it. They attempted to sweeten the message by saying "Oh, many times it's the man who has the low libido!" but glossed right over the fact that men in this case are probably less likely to be forced into intercourse by their partners.

This is exactly what was sent to me by my now ex-husband and it was infuriating--complete lack of understanding about what was going on in our situation.

You have been extremely kind, loving and generous to your husband, you are clearly trying your best. You don't need to be browbeaten about putting out more "for the sake of your marriage." Maybe you and your husband can repair things, but that repair work needs to come from him as he's the one who is acting without a conscience.

I divorced my ex for exactly this. It's on the petition.

@Keladrythesaviour

Have you tried the shock factor? "You want sex with me right now, yes?" "Yes" "I don't want sex with you right now ... Would you still like me to have sex with you?" He either goes yes.. in which case you say "would you like to rape me now, because that's what you're asking to do" Or he says no, but sulks in which case you say "you sulking is co-ercion. If you sulk, and I say yes to stop you sulking, that's me having sex I didn't want to have - would you like to rape me?"

Co-erced consent is not consent. Men need to know this.

Brilliant 👏

If you had posted saying your husband emotionally abuses you every single night I think you would have had an overwhelming majority advising you to ltb.

Unfortunately it's allegedly about sex. So it's ok.

[quote BreadPita]@QueenBee52
it's shocking I agree... it lays the blame firmly on OP.. really disgusting

No, the issue is two people with mutually exclusive wants. They are, understandably, both unhappy with their situation and, most likely, both displaying their unhappiness through some means.
A man isn't a demon for feeling sexual desire for his wife and feeling rejected when that desire isn't returned.
A woman isn't a demon for not feeling desire for her husband and not pretending otherwise.
Being unable to completely bury resentment and negative emotion arising from the above is completely human.[/quote]

You are blaming OP ...

I'm not going to give any advice, I just wanted to send a handhold. You say you're feeling overwhelmed by the amount of responses, knocked sideways by the advice, which is more than understandable. I can well imagine your sadness. I'm sorry you're going through this - there's much to process and there will be more to digest in the days and weeks to come.

Is there anyone you can speak to work through what all these viewpoints have brought up for you? The realisations that are starting to emerge? You're processing a lot, so please, please be super gentle with yourself.

I went through this with my ex-husband. I would push through once a week as I was working full time (he was sahd) with 2 under 3, and the pawing was every night. The sulking, the emotional blackmail of ‘we may as well just be housemates’, ‘who are you shagging - it must be someone else if it’s not me’. He didn’t get that it was so off putting to just feel like a hole, that it made my libido go further downhill. He would also complain I wasn’t enjoying it enough and got angry, even though I was giving in and I’m not a fucking pornstar, it wasn’t enough. I would stay up later and later each night so I didn’t have to face the bed time battle. It took me nearly falling asleep at the wheel on the way home from work to end things. He just wouldn’t change, and actually brought it up to the next woman he was seeing about how awful I was to him. She ultimately left him for being a sex pest. Go figure!!

[quote BreadPita]@QueenBee52
it's shocking I agree... it lays the blame firmly on OP.. really disgusting

No, the issue is two people with mutually exclusive wants. They are, understandably, both unhappy with their situation and, most likely, both displaying their unhappiness through some means.
A man isn't a demon for feeling sexual desire for his wife and feeling rejected when that desire isn't returned.
A woman isn't a demon for not feeling desire for her husband and not pretending otherwise.
Being unable to completely bury resentment and negative emotion arising from the above is completely human.[/quote]
Careful, you will, like mean be told that you are defending a beast and that your view is disgusting. To far too many MNs, sides must be taken balance and seeing shades of grey is outrageous 🤷‍♀️

A friend of mine ended her marriage due to this. Her husband said he would have an affair if she didn’t ‘put out more’. He did have an affair and she divorced him.

Your husband sounds extremely immature . I don’t know how you can ever have sex with him when he behaves like this. I couldn’t. He needs to get a grip and grow up.

@RealBecca I think you've nailed it!

Have him make an appointment with his GP to get some anti depressants. That will calm his drive right down.

A man isn't a demon for feeling sexual desire for his wife and feeling rejected when that desire isn't returned.

You are quite right of course that his feelings are valid. It's the behaviour that comes from those feelings that isn't ok. Sulking, ignoring, rudeness.

OP I am so sorry to read how you are living. I honestly feel so sick at how your husband treats you. He has manipulated you for so long you can't see that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. This man has zero respect for you or your feelings. You said you have spoken to him before about this and yet not to fucks could be given by him about what you have voiced he just keeps on with the rapist behaviour. Tonight at 8.30pm please tell him to pack a bag and leave. You can bet your bottom dollar he won't listen to you or act on it as he thinks so little of you. Please be strong and calm and repeat for him to leave. You need space and time to grieve and heal. You need to focus on you.

If he starts any shit just phone the police and tell them exactly what's been going on. Was it his idea per chance that you don't talk to others about what's happening in your marriage?

You are worth so much more 💐

Either go for sex therapy or put bromide in his tea

Some good advice on this thread. You sound lovely, and tired, and at the end of your tether. You’ve tried to compromise, accommodate, talk things through, but it will never be enough by the sounds of it.

Very many relationships have mismatches in sex drive and ups and downs but as PP said, in this case his behaviour is becoming abusive/coercive if he doesn’t get his own way - that is the critical difference. He may lie to himself and think he’s being reasonable, particularly if you are having to adapt your behaviour to appear more enthusiastic than you feel to appease him, but as you said, he does have moments of clarity when he can see that it isn’t true.

I agree with taking a step back, if something has changed in his life/psyche which has caused a change in his behaviour/libido, he needs to explore the root cause and deal with that, rather than using you as a short term release (in the same way you would if someone had substance, gambling or shopping addiction).

I think a frank discussion, explaining how he makes you feel, that you need a break and he needs to work this out if your relationship has a future. I think how he responds to this will tell you what you need to know.

for you x

@QueenBee52
You are blaming OP ..
No, I'm not. I'm saying that most people are not great a keeping their resentment under wraps and it's easy to see why both parties would be resentful.
I haven't ascribed any moral judgement, I've simply stated that in this case, one person getting what they want means that the other person is getting something they actively do not want.

[quote BreadPita]@QueenBee52
it's shocking I agree... it lays the blame firmly on OP.. really disgusting

No, the issue is two people with mutually exclusive wants. They are, understandably, both unhappy with their situation and, most likely, both displaying their unhappiness through some means.
A man isn't a demon for feeling sexual desire for his wife and feeling rejected when that desire isn't returned.
A woman isn't a demon for not feeling desire for her husband and not pretending otherwise.
Being unable to completely bury resentment and negative emotion arising from the above is completely human.[/quote]
I've been in a marriage with a sex pest, who sulked. I can tell you categorically, that you're wrong. A man who wants sex every single night and sulks if he doesn't get it, is a fucking nightmare. I had three children under five, two of which didn't sleep, and my health was suffering. Yet still he pestered me and sulked. Get lost with your poor rejected man theories.

I left my ex for this reason and others, but the sulking, pestering constantly, going off in a huff and sleeping on the sofa, just gave me the ick. It's very abusive and manipulative. My now partner and i do have a bit of a mismatch libido, but we are both respectful and take each other into account

The number of men who don't realise that how you treat your wife in your everyday life is foreplay.

@DrSbaitso

The number of men who don't realise that how you treat your wife in your everyday life is foreplay.

Absolutely true. My H was similar to the OP’s, I dreaded being mauled and pawed. Now in a sexless marriage and too old and beaten down to do anything about it.

If he knows you don't want sex, but manages to guilt you into it and happily proceeds to have sex with you... that is coercion, rape.
If you say no and he accepts it, but goes on to sulk and not speak to you for a whole evening/morning... that is emotionally abusive.