Back story: Sex! Me and hubby started out the way most young people do - couldn't get enough! Day, night and anything in-between!
Present day: It's 11 years, 2 children, a house to run and 2 full time jobs later! I'm knackered, I really am! The old libido isn't what it used to be and it's because of a mix of things really - I had a difficult birth with my 2nd baby 4 years ago, I had a forceps delivery and an episiotomy, there was a lot of stitches, a long healing time and a lot of scar tissue, sex has only just started to stop feeling tender down there over the last year. Plus I'm older, a bit creakier, a teeny bit heavier, a lot sleepier and juggling a few different roles; I'm wife, mum, employee, carer as our youngest has special needs, cook, cleaner and so many others that the role of minx just doesn't feel like it's really me anymore - and I'm ok with it! The problem isn't the actual act itself, it's not boring or flat when we do it, it's great! The bottom line on the topic really is that I just don't need it as much anymore, I don't get as much as I used to get from it when I was 23 and to be honest..as bad as it sounds..once a month would suit me down to the ground!
However, DH would have it every night if he could, his own drive is much higher. So I do try! Nowadays, it's twice a week. That's not the problem though, the problem is he pesters every night. Literally every night, as soon as the kids have gone to bed, while I'm sat there on the couch watching TV at 8:30pm, it starts! Every night.
He sulks like a child and refuses to talk to me for the rest of the night on the ones that I say "not tonight dear." I do not over exaggerate, he does not talk to me until well into the next day!
He refuses to take matters into his own hands (excuse the pun), as in, he will not 'self love' if you know what I mean, because apparently that is my job! He says it's naff and that it's like hoping for a takeaway pizza and having to settle for cheese on toast!
Any time a saucy scene comes on the TV he huffs and makes some sarky remark like "hmm wonder what that's like!" or "I wouldn't know mate!" I spend most evenings getting ignored, getting the cold shoulder and alone, as he stomps off to sit in the other room and sulk.
I'm beginning to become resentful. I'm finding myself relenting and doing it anyway on times when I really just don't want to. I don't think any of the way he acts towards me in these moments of what he believes to be rejection is acceptable. I feel like we're constantly walking shaky ground that wobbles between emotional blackmail and sexual harassment! He doesn't talk to anyone about these things, he tells nobody because apparently this just isn't the sort of thing mates talk about, so I feel like there's nobody to say to him, "best not treat her like shit because you didn't get it, that's straddling a line there mate/love/dear!" I'm the only one who ever tells him it's not OK to act this way because you didn't get some, but he obviously just thinks I'm talking crap as I'm the one on the opposing side of his argument and calls me a boring old housemaid!
In less charged moments, we have talked and I have been totally honest about how I feel about it all personally. I've openly explained I just don't have as high a drive as him anymore and told him my reasons, but promised to make more effort to meet his needs if he felt like physical connection is a more important part of the relationship to him. And I do, as I say - twice a week is me reeeaaally giving it my all. He in return vows to lay off a bit more and to possibly see to himself on occasions, because in these less charged moments of daylight clarity, he does feel mortified at how his behaviour looks towards me when he gets like he does. But the next day, as soon as the kids have gone up, it's all forgotten again and it's back to the mithering for it like a teenage boy and sulking and freezing me out and slamming drawers and doors!
In every other aspect of life and our relationship he's brill. Great dad, good laugh, works hard, my family and friends love him, pulls his weight round the house. We're the absolute best of friends and we adore being with each other, we'd be together every minute if we could. I have no trust issues or worry and have 100% confidence that his head will never be turned or that he'll go looking elsewhere! But there's this private problem that is threatening to swallow everything else up and I honestly do believe that it would eventually be a relationship ender some day down the line should things continue the way they are, because I'm at my limit! I don't want to feel pressured/cajoled/bullied into doing the deed when I don't want to anymore! I'm starting to ask myself difficult questions about the acceptability of his behaviour and whether or not I'm experiencing some form of manipulation!
And I know I'm lucky to still have my partner want and desire me so much after all these years, I do factor that in but it's started to become a question of "does he want ME or does he just want IT?" Especially the last couple of years, he's always had a high sex drive but it's been something else over the last couple of years, it's become next level desperation almost!
I guess what I think at this point is that if he still has a sky high drive, and I don't, and I'm trying, but he still has a daily need - he should go take a long shower! I don't think I should be 100% responsible for his sexual satisfaction. Seriously, just back off and go have 10 minutes to yourself! AIBU?