To have had enough of sex?!

[PandaEyed13]

Back story: Sex! Me and hubby started out the way most young people do - couldn't get enough! Day, night and anything in-between!

Present day: It's 11 years, 2 children, a house to run and 2 full time jobs later! I'm knackered, I really am! The old libido isn't what it used to be and it's because of a mix of things really - I had a difficult birth with my 2nd baby 4 years ago, I had a forceps delivery and an episiotomy, there was a lot of stitches, a long healing time and a lot of scar tissue, sex has only just started to stop feeling tender down there over the last year. Plus I'm older, a bit creakier, a teeny bit heavier, a lot sleepier and juggling a few different roles; I'm wife, mum, employee, carer as our youngest has special needs, cook, cleaner and so many others that the role of minx just doesn't feel like it's really me anymore - and I'm ok with it! The problem isn't the actual act itself, it's not boring or flat when we do it, it's great! The bottom line on the topic really is that I just don't need it as much anymore, I don't get as much as I used to get from it when I was 23 and to be honest..as bad as it sounds..once a month would suit me down to the ground!
However, DH would have it every night if he could, his own drive is much higher. So I do try! Nowadays, it's twice a week. That's not the problem though, the problem is he pesters every night. Literally every night, as soon as the kids have gone to bed, while I'm sat there on the couch watching TV at 8:30pm, it starts! Every night.
He sulks like a child and refuses to talk to me for the rest of the night on the ones that I say "not tonight dear." I do not over exaggerate, he does not talk to me until well into the next day!
He refuses to take matters into his own hands (excuse the pun), as in, he will not 'self love' if you know what I mean, because apparently that is my job! He says it's naff and that it's like hoping for a takeaway pizza and having to settle for cheese on toast!
Any time a saucy scene comes on the TV he huffs and makes some sarky remark like "hmm wonder what that's like!" or "I wouldn't know mate!" I spend most evenings getting ignored, getting the cold shoulder and alone, as he stomps off to sit in the other room and sulk.
I'm beginning to become resentful. I'm finding myself relenting and doing it anyway on times when I really just don't want to. I don't think any of the way he acts towards me in these moments of what he believes to be rejection is acceptable. I feel like we're constantly walking shaky ground that wobbles between emotional blackmail and sexual harassment! He doesn't talk to anyone about these things, he tells nobody because apparently this just isn't the sort of thing mates talk about, so I feel like there's nobody to say to him, "best not treat her like shit because you didn't get it, that's straddling a line there mate/love/dear!" I'm the only one who ever tells him it's not OK to act this way because you didn't get some, but he obviously just thinks I'm talking crap as I'm the one on the opposing side of his argument and calls me a boring old housemaid!
In less charged moments, we have talked and I have been totally honest about how I feel about it all personally. I've openly explained I just don't have as high a drive as him anymore and told him my reasons, but promised to make more effort to meet his needs if he felt like physical connection is a more important part of the relationship to him. And I do, as I say - twice a week is me reeeaaally giving it my all. He in return vows to lay off a bit more and to possibly see to himself on occasions, because in these less charged moments of daylight clarity, he does feel mortified at how his behaviour looks towards me when he gets like he does. But the next day, as soon as the kids have gone up, it's all forgotten again and it's back to the mithering for it like a teenage boy and sulking and freezing me out and slamming drawers and doors!
In every other aspect of life and our relationship he's brill. Great dad, good laugh, works hard, my family and friends love him, pulls his weight round the house. We're the absolute best of friends and we adore being with each other, we'd be together every minute if we could. I have no trust issues or worry and have 100% confidence that his head will never be turned or that he'll go looking elsewhere! But there's this private problem that is threatening to swallow everything else up and I honestly do believe that it would eventually be a relationship ender some day down the line should things continue the way they are, because I'm at my limit! I don't want to feel pressured/cajoled/bullied into doing the deed when I don't want to anymore! I'm starting to ask myself difficult questions about the acceptability of his behaviour and whether or not I'm experiencing some form of manipulation!
And I know I'm lucky to still have my partner want and desire me so much after all these years, I do factor that in but it's started to become a question of "does he want ME or does he just want IT?" Especially the last couple of years, he's always had a high sex drive but it's been something else over the last couple of years, it's become next level desperation almost!
I guess what I think at this point is that if he still has a sky high drive, and I don't, and I'm trying, but he still has a daily need - he should go take a long shower! I don't think I should be 100% responsible for his sexual satisfaction. Seriously, just back off and go have 10 minutes to yourself! AIBU?

TBH i'm surprised you're having sex twice a week with him. He sounds deeply unattractive.

I would show him @Lweji comment! He needs to realise that sex isn't something that he is just entitled to, and if you are not desiring him then you are broken somehow. You are not broken ,you are being pestered for sex that you don't want. He needs to take some responsibility that if he wants sex, he needs to consider how you are feeling and seducing you, getting you in the mood, not just demanding it.
And if he can't do that, or you still don't want to, then that's fine too...but then you might need to consider that the relationship might be over

Do you always enjoy it once it starts, or only sometimes?

Jesus. That's grim.
His behaviour is really troubling. He sounds like a childish twat who sees it as your wifely duty to put out all the time. And if you don't then he bangs around and slams doors. It's more than a bit sinister that.
Is everything all about his needs? If they aren't met, does he sulk every time?
Sorry Op, don't have any advice but it's clear you are definitely not the problem here. Not at all.

The whole sulking thing is fucking awful. I'm not entirely sure how you manage to stay attracted to him to have sex the other times.

Short term solution have set nights for sex so he has no excuse to sulk because he knows sex is twice a week on Tuesday a s Saturday night...

It is pretty grim.

Also counselling/therapy is much cheaper than a divorce!!! Something I told my DH when it was therapy and he kept saying we couldn't afford it.

God that's annoying. He wants sex every night? No thanks. I admire people who can and do have sex with their husbands every night, but I can't imagine it's realistic for most couples.
His head needs a wobble. He's expecting too much of you and quite frankly, is being a pest about it.

How on Earth can you say he's 'brill'? That is really scary. Please raise your standards, you deserve so much more.

This is less about sex and more about your relationship and it sounds like you either go back to the start and really work on it, or you split.

I live and adore my partner. I want sex with him because I enjoy the closeness and intimacy. I was in a dead end marriage then met my soulmate. Sometimes my body doesn't want sex, sometimes his doesn't, god we have real life to deal with! But you need to nurture the intimacy the best you can in other ways.

Your DH is getting it wrong. My partner might say 'do you want to go to bed?'- I always say yes but if I didn't we would just do something else like a jigsaw 🙂 he would also give me massages and expect nothing else. Abs I would do the same for him- we give because we love each other. Oh, I'm 33 weeks pregnant too with baby #5 and nothing has changed, we were still 69ing yesterday afternoon

You need to think wether you want to be with him and be close to him again. And then if you do you both need to sit down and talk about it and be kind to each other. Or you need to leave.

@secretsad

This is less about sex and more about your relationship and it sounds like you either go back to the start and really work on it, or you split.

I live and adore my partner. I want sex with him because I enjoy the closeness and intimacy. I was in a dead end marriage then met my soulmate. Sometimes my body doesn't want sex, sometimes his doesn't, god we have real life to deal with! But you need to nurture the intimacy the best you can in other ways.

Your DH is getting it wrong. My partner might say 'do you want to go to bed?'- I always say yes but if I didn't we would just do something else like a jigsaw 🙂 he would also give me massages and expect nothing else. Abs I would do the same for him- we give because we love each other. Oh, I'm 33 weeks pregnant too with baby #5 and nothing has changed, we were still 69ing yesterday afternoon

You need to think wether you want to be with him and be close to him again. And then if you do you both need to sit down and talk about it and be kind to each other. Or you need to leave.

riiiight 🙄

It sounds as if, among other things, you have no personal space. You have to guard yourself and shut down just to stay alive. If your husband wants to get into your pants the minute you put your kids to bed it is like having another child demand attention when you've been giving attention all day. He may feel as if he's been waiting his "turn" for attention that he's been denied (an unconscious throwback to his childhood where you are both wife and mother as the central female in the home). In a way, getting inside of you probably both feels good because it is sexy and because it makes him feel safe and validated (burrowing into the ultimate home within the home). But it is not necessarily as validating for you under those circumstances. If he is not seeing you as the individual you are and caring about your humanity, than this experience is going to feel literally and symbolically hollow. Because you are not a love and sex dispenser. You, too, get depleted. And you, too, need love and validation for the human being you are.

I'm so sorry you're in this position (hur hur), OP. You sound so genuinely caring and good-natured about your husband and not at all dismissive of his desires. Which is good, as it means you're not (yet) 100% burnt out at being treated this way, so perhaps there's some hope of saving your relationship--IF your husband is willing to see your perspective and change his behaviour.

I agree with the "you can't say yes if you can't say no" thing. Sex must be freely offered, not an obligation. Sulking is very manipulative, even if he doesn't consciously intend it that way. And it's also incredibly unsexy--no one says "Oh what a heartthrob! He's sulking like a petulant child, that really turns me on!" yeah right.

Sex is very, very important in relationships, and is very much tied to emotional needs as well as physical ones, but it's not actually a "need" in the sense food, water, air, and sleep are, I'm sorry. We have a DRIVE to reproduce (at species level) and a need for forming bonds with other humans. But sex isn't the only way to bond, and the truth is that people's sex drives do change over time. If your husband's libido had dropped off due to his age or physical changes, I'm not convinced he'd be happily satisfying you every single night when you demanded it--he'd probably say "I care about you, but I'm not here to be used!" You have the same right.

I don't know the solution but I wanted to reassure you that you're not being unreasonable at all. I hope your husband will be willing to rethink the way he approaches this. Wanting to have sex with your partner isn't wrong, but expecting them to be obliged to put out, and punishing them when they don't, is dead, dead wrong.

This is extremely severe emotional and sexual abuse.

You don't need counselling or mediation, you need women's aid or the police. What he's doing to you is a CRIME. He's a rapist and a sexual abuser. He should be in prison.What other forms of abuse are happening? Because where there is one there are always others. There is no way your children don't hear him slamming doors.

This happened to me op and it got worse. I would stop having ANY sex with him and I would sleep separately if possible. Also I would not be available for abuse in the evenings. I would walk the dog, see a friend, be upstairs, have a bath, anything to be in a different room from him.

Your marriage is over. You need to get him out of your house. There's no coming back from this.

And posters who don't understand that libido can change, even when you love your partner and are dedicated to your relationship, need to just butt out.

You need to think wether you want to be with him and be close to him again. And then if you do you both need to sit down and talk about it and be kind to each other. Or you need to leave

Yy a nice little chat to will sort out poor misunderstood, misguided husband

Hes an abusive arse and doesnt deserve a second.more of ops time.

I couldn't bear that for a single evening, OP. You are not a deluxe version of a wank and nor is it your 'job' to service him as and when he wants. Of course a massive mismatch in libido is going to cause issues and isn't fun for either side, but it sounds like you have already made substantial accommodations while he behaves like Veruca Salt. Which makes things actively worse!
YANBU

This is just me so sad. You sound lovely, and very normal, like you could br someone I know and like. I would hate to think any friend of mine felt like this.

I think you do need counselling, because if you talked about this with someone neutral they'd be asking you 'why do you value yourself so little that you put up with this?'.

This is not a nice man.

God woman you have been a martyr to him, the way you feel, twice a week is exceedingly forthcoming. I get that he has a high drive and it is these days almost refreshing that he doesn't appear to use porn, but you are not a sex doll and not responsible for his physical or emotional needs, he is. I say he quits the sulking or sex is off the table at all until you initiate it.

the problem is he pesters every night.

This is not OK

It is really not OK.

I would really ask him to leave, to have a good think by about what sort of person he is.

It is not OK

You will end up having sex to 'keep him quiet'. That is coercion. If he is not horrified by that, what kind of person is he?

I think others have said it well OP, this sounds unbearable to me and his behaviour is likely a large part of your lack of libido. I spent years in relationships performing ‘duty sex’ and tbh it’s really damaged my sense of my own sexuality, view of men etc. I am having therapy which is helping understand it all. I wouldn’t exactly have called my past experiences rape, because I consented on the face of it. Basically I thought that was what sex was for all women - an act directed mainly by the wishes of the man. When I think back to many times I was clearly not into it but men carried on, it’s distressing to think they were happy to use my body in that way, and that I felt that was normal or acceptable. I’m not sure if that resonates for you at all but I do think therapy for yourself is a good idea to help you assess how you feel about this. I went through a long period of feeling I had no libido before understanding that actually underneath that there was a lot of vulnerability and horrible experiences. Now in more of a process of discovering my own sexual wishes, independent of what DH wants.

Secretsad that was a teensy bit of an over share!

If he has so much energy yet you have so little, he is not doing his fair share.

@secretsad

This is less about sex and more about your relationship and it sounds like you either go back to the start and really work on it, or you split.

I live and adore my partner. I want sex with him because I enjoy the closeness and intimacy. I was in a dead end marriage then met my soulmate. Sometimes my body doesn't want sex, sometimes his doesn't, god we have real life to deal with! But you need to nurture the intimacy the best you can in other ways.

Your DH is getting it wrong. My partner might say 'do you want to go to bed?'- I always say yes but if I didn't we would just do something else like a jigsaw 🙂 he would also give me massages and expect nothing else. Abs I would do the same for him- we give because we love each other. Oh, I'm 33 weeks pregnant too with baby #5 and nothing has changed, we were still 69ing yesterday afternoon

You need to think wether you want to be with him and be close to him again. And then if you do you both need to sit down and talk about it and be kind to each other. Or you need to leave.

WTF! They have sex twice a week? Not twice a decade!

Bleurgh this made my skin crawl! I feel so, so bad for you OP, I can’t imagine living like this. My DH would love it every night I’m sure but has never, ever made me feel bad for not having sex with him, never. We have been together 15 years. I think you need to have one last go at sorting this out - show him this thread - and if nothing changes then I personally would leave. What a way to live OP. Imagine being able to spend your evenings without that hanging over you, just watching tv and eating chocolate/drinking wine. Bliss!

Secretsad…. Honestly theres no need 🤢🤢