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AIBU?

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Original poster

Spending 43k savings on a wedding.

364 replies

Cosmos123 · 19/09/2021 06:59

I know a couple who are spending 43k (all savings) on a wedding yet have no where to live.
He is a 1st year nursing student on a bursary she is looking for work as a nursery nurse.
They are currently looking for 1 bed flat with a budget of £500pcm as that is all they can afford on his bursary. For which they have asked myself to be a guarantor.
Yet they are have an expensive wedding in 6 weeks.

I did discuss to them about spending less and perhaps the money as a deposit on a property further down the line. They seem to agree then bang this is what they decided.

OP posts:
daytripper28 · 19/09/2021 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 19/09/2021 09:08

Everyone who is saying "don't be their guarantor" - are you assuming it's a distant relative or friend or something? Because I would think this is OP's adult child, and are you really saying you would refuse to be guarantor?

You might be really pissed off at their choices, but presumably the money is already spent - so you'd leave them unable to rent somewhere?

If it was one of my adult DC they could live with us until they'd saved up some money. I don't have enough spare money to be a guarantor for anyone.

Original poster
Cosmos123 · 19/09/2021 09:09

Hi ,
you are all absolutely all correct it is none of my business.

Answers to your questions.

  1. They manage to save as they have both lived at home without rent and board. They are are 29 &30.
  1. I have refused to lend them 3k for a honeymoon. They have the 3k but want to use that for their deposit and rent.
  1. Yes they are related.
  1. Having seen their recent spending attitude I will consider carefully whether to be a guarantor.
OP posts:
onlychildhamster · 19/09/2021 09:11

My SIL spent £30k on her wedding and that was a 'relatively simple' wedding in a restaurant at a out of town retail park. She lives in Tel Aviv . The £30k would not have been enough for a deposit in Tel aviv but apparently they made back the money from the wedding due to gifts.they afforded to pay for the wedding using inheritance and contributions from family members. They are renting a flat in the most dangerous part of the city 2 years on; maybe they are not financially worse off than if they had a cheap wedding. Their family (BIL's side) demanded the wedding as they wanted a holiday after travelling in all the way from America.

And here I am, married 6 years on (just had a registry office ceremony with 0 family present) and still no wedding cos I chose to wait until I bought my flat in London and had 10-20k left over from the purchase. Now delayed indefinitely due to covid and travel restrictions from my home country. Other people think we are very very weird to have been married so long without celebrating as that is not the natural order of things. So I think what we did is relatively uncommon and most people would choose to have a big bash and then worry about the housing situation later. And weddings are so expensive now that it is tempting to just forget the budget and just go the whole hog. My SIL had a £1500 dress from a bridal shop and she is right, you always pay with a bridal shop. My dress cost me £450 (it's hanging in my wardrobe yet to be worn) and I used an Indian tailor in Hayes (figured out Indian tailors charge much less as Indian weddings have more outfits, plus they have beautiful embroidery). But I probably did look like a very very stingy and poor person who was always trying to bargain down the price, but yeah at that time, I was buying a £400k property so every penny counted!

I would not be guarantor but go to their wedding and just not say anything about the 43k. It's very normal these days.

AlexaShutUp · 19/09/2021 09:11

@category12

Everyone who is saying "don't be their guarantor" - are you assuming it's a distant relative or friend or something?

Because I would think this is OP's adult child, and are you really saying you would refuse to be guarantor? You might be really pissed off at their choices, but presumably the money is already spent - so you'd leave them unable to rent somewhere?

I can't ever imagine getting into a situation with my own dd where she made such poor financial decisions. If the OP has plenty of money to spare and could afford to step in and pay her child's rent, including any arrears, if they failed to do so, then maybe she is OK to act as their guarantor, but if there is any danger of her potentially putting her own financial security at risk by being a guarantor for someone so utterly lacking in financial capability? No, I wouldn't recommend that. And yes, it's shit if they're left unable to rent somewhere, but how else will they learn to make better decisions? I presume that they're living somewhere now and won't be out on the street.
Goingdriving · 19/09/2021 09:12

I lived in a country with great poverty where people had massive fund raisers for huge weddings and then after returned to restricted lives. Seemed bonkers to me, but it was the done thing.

legalseagull · 19/09/2021 09:15

The money is theirs to do what they want with , but I wouldn't act for a guarantor for anyone ever. I wouldn't risk having to pay someone else's rent arrears. Or my house being at risk if they need debt repaying. They might say they won't need you to pay anything, but they can't predict the future

flowerlass · 19/09/2021 09:18

Having seen their recent spending attitude I will consider carefully whether to be a guarantor

What is there to consider? If they are unable to get a rental they should have used some of the savings to pay up front rather than expect friends to act as an insurance policy.

Consider what might happen if you fall out with the couple in future. They could stop paying the rent and you have to foot the bill.

PooWillyNameChange · 19/09/2021 09:18

Gosh, some people's priorities. Ours was a registry office job and we already had about 60k equity in our first house by that point. I'm obviously not very romantic, for us it was just a sensible next step, but have to question the point of marriage without any assets or kids of the near horizon anyway.

Nothing wrong with a huge expensive party, but it will be obvious to guests who know their employment status that it's all a bit charade and, if the 'savings' were indeed an inheritance (if not I'd put money on the fact they've taken out a loan on the sly) it's not unreasonable for close family to be a bit Hmm

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 19/09/2021 09:21

Absolutely do not be their guarantor.

This can’t be repeated too often!

RandomMess · 19/09/2021 09:22

No way would I be guarantor. They have the money to buy into shared ownership or pay rent in advance but want to spend it all on a party.

Their choice.

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 19/09/2021 09:22

2. I have refused to lend them 3k for a honeymoon. They have the 3k but want to use that for their deposit and rent

I wouldn't have either, how would they pay it back?

MaggieFS · 19/09/2021 09:28

I'm assuming it's your DC otherwise I can't think why you'd even consider being a guarantor.

I agree the spending priorities are off kilter but their choice and not your business in isolation.

The big question for me is if they would still need a guarantor anyway and what the cost risk to you is. It's very easy to look at the black and white and say never be a guarantor for anyone. But if it's your own DC and they need help then it's more complex.

KaptainKaveman · 19/09/2021 09:29

Run a mile, OP. They clearly see you as an easy source of ££££.

BarbInCarriage · 19/09/2021 09:29

It is your business if you are going to be their guarantor.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 19/09/2021 09:29

I think it would be unwise to be their guarantor, they’re clearly not very good/sensible at budgeting if they’ve chosen to blow all their savings on their wedding yet can’t afford a deposit on a flat.

Very risky to yourself (financially and your credit score) to legally offer to pay their bills and debts should they blow all their money on frivolous things or end up in debt or bankrupt!

Overthehillandfartaway · 19/09/2021 09:30

I simply don't get spending even 4k on a wedding.

This is one day. No wonder photographers and florists think they can charge what they want if people are prepared to spend this on one attention seeking day.

Getting married, fair enough. Sensible idea legally and a declaration of commitment.

43k is an absolute disgrace, and quite frankly if the OP is only 'thinking carefully ' about being a guarantor , then they have more money than sense as well.

nimbuscloud · 19/09/2021 09:32

So £43,000 does not include a fully paid for honeymoon?

RaginaPhalange · 19/09/2021 09:32

It's their money and can do what they want with it but I think it's cheeky as fuck to ask you to lend them 3k for a honeymoon and then to be guarantor when they have that amount of money.

Sounds like they need to wise up big time.

With that amount of money they could have a good wedding, deposit for a house or flat and then some left over for a honeymoon.

GCAcademic · 19/09/2021 09:32

This just goes to show what a mistake it is to let your adult children live at home rent free.

By all means put the rent you charge them into a savings account for them, earmarked specifically for a house deposit. But this couple clearly don't have a clue about money and are about to go into their 30s back at square one. Probably worse than square one, as bad financial habits have now set in.

LawnFever · 19/09/2021 09:34

1. They manage to save as they have both lived at home without rent and board. They are are 29 &30.

Shame they’ve still got such little financial intelligence to have saved all this money but want to blow it on a party, they’re idiots quite frankly.

2. I have refused to lend them 3k for a honeymoon. They have the 3k but want to use that for their deposit and rent.

Cheeky f*ckers to even ask with £43k in the bank & asking for handouts??

I’d be absolutely livid with the pair of them, to the point of not particularly wanting to even go to their showy wedding.

Original poster
Cosmos123 · 19/09/2021 09:35

Ok It has been decided not being the guarantor.

Maybe it was wrong for me to be judgemental in their decisions to spend so much on one day as it is their money and their choice after all.
I am perhaps more careful with money and prefer security. We are all different.

OP posts:
LawnFever · 19/09/2021 09:35

@GCAcademic

This just goes to show what a mistake it is to let your adult children live at home rent free.

By all means put the rent you charge them into a savings account for them, earmarked specifically for a house deposit. But this couple clearly don't have a clue about money and are about to go into their 30s back at square one. Probably worse than square one, as bad financial habits have now set in.

Completely agree, this should be a wake up call to all those people who say they’d never charge DC rent, these pair are beyond a joke.
Original poster
Cosmos123 · 19/09/2021 09:37

@nimbuscloud

So £43,000 does not include a fully paid for honeymoon?
No
OP posts:
LawnFever · 19/09/2021 09:38

@Cosmos123

Ok It has been decided not being the guarantor.

Maybe it was wrong for me to be judgemental in their decisions to spend so much on one day as it is their money and their choice after all.
I am perhaps more careful with money and prefer security. We are all different.

I don’t think it’s wrong in the slightest to be judgemental about them spending a quite obscene amount of money on a wedding that they’ve only managed to save because they’ve blagged through life rent free with no financial responsibilities until this age.

Leaving themselves with no financial security whatsoever, they sound completely clueless.

I’d want nothing to do with any of it, and hideous they’ve also asked for a honeymoon handout on top.