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AIBU?

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Original poster

Spending 43k savings on a wedding.

364 replies

Cosmos123 · 19/09/2021 06:59

I know a couple who are spending 43k (all savings) on a wedding yet have no where to live.
He is a 1st year nursing student on a bursary she is looking for work as a nursery nurse.
They are currently looking for 1 bed flat with a budget of £500pcm as that is all they can afford on his bursary. For which they have asked myself to be a guarantor.
Yet they are have an expensive wedding in 6 weeks.

I did discuss to them about spending less and perhaps the money as a deposit on a property further down the line. They seem to agree then bang this is what they decided.

OP posts:
onlychildhamster · 19/09/2021 09:39

@Cosmos123 is it possible that they are expecting to make a 'profit' from their wedding. Of course it's very bad financial planning to rely on it and I wouldn't (which is why I bought my London flat before even thinking about a wedding, just had the registry office ceremony first). But I know of relatives (as I mentioned upthread) who have made money from their wedding and the only reason why guests paid so much was cos it was a 'fancy' wedding.

TokyoTen · 19/09/2021 09:39

Don't be a guarantor!! Other than that why worry what they spend their money on

hedgehogger1 · 19/09/2021 09:39

The most expensive weddings I've been to have lasted the least time. I'm aware that at least one involved financial issues in its ending

KaycePollard · 19/09/2021 09:40

If that is their level of financial thinking, refuse to be their guarantor.

heldinadream · 19/09/2021 09:40

You've been asked not just to be guarantor but to pay for their honeymoon? Unless you're a parent that's ludicrous OP.
No. And no.
If they fuck up monetarily that's their business.

LawnFever · 19/09/2021 09:40

It's their money and can do what they want with it but I think it's cheeky as fuck to ask you to lend them 3k for a honeymoon and then to be guarantor when they have that amount of money.

Technically it’s only their money because they’ve never paid a penny in rent or board their entire lives though, shows it doesn’t do any favours not teaching kids the value of money.

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 19/09/2021 09:43

Ok It has been decided not being the guarantor.

Maybe it was wrong for me to be judgemental in their decisions to spend so much on one day as it is their money and their choice after all.

I am perhaps more careful with money and prefer security. We are all different.

Just make sure they don't ask your DPs, their DGPs, to be guarantors.

Some people will do this without a regard for their DGPs financial security.

Afterall there are 43,000 reasons not to be a guarantor for their rent.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 19/09/2021 09:44

If they need a guarantor ie you, you get to be judgemental in my humble opinion

mydogisthebest · 19/09/2021 09:44

Well of course they can spend their money on what they like but how stupid to spend so much on a wedding.

I knew a couple who lived in a grotty rented flat in a not very nice part of London. They spent a lot on their wedding and honeymoon and then she moaned non stop about where they were living!

Let's hope the marriage lasts at least. The couple I knew last 3 years

GuckGuckDoose · 19/09/2021 09:44

This is giving me palpitations. We spent about £25k on our wedding, already owned a large flat with a substantial deposit (now in large detached period family home with smaller mortgage), had investments and savings and both of us on a decent salary, and I STILL wish we hadn’t spent as much as now all I can see is how that money would have been so much better put towards a new bathroom, or a sensible electric car, or an amazing holiday with the kids, or, or, or… It’s a bloody day, not a life…

I’m assuming it’s maybe too late for them now to rein things back, but I absolutely wouldn’t be acting as a guarantor as it seems like they aren’t especially able to make astute financial decisions.

80sMum · 19/09/2021 09:44

YANBU. It's their money and their choice how they spend it, but I can't help but think they will regret throwing all their savings into a wedding. Imo they're absolutely bonkers!

They've been living with their parents rent free up to now. But after the wedding they will, presumably, get a place of their own. I wonder how they think they will be able to save once they're committed to paying rent, council tax, utilities etc every month. I fear that, unfortunately, they are in for a rude awakening as to the actual costs of living.

Sadly, I can forsee that in the near future they might regret having spent all their savings.

ConsulTremas · 19/09/2021 09:45

Their money, their choice. Personally I think they’re nuts and the wedding shouldn’t be a priority in their circumstances. However, I’d keep my own counsel and let them do what they want.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 19/09/2021 09:45

They are taking the absolute piss.

Movinghouseatlast · 19/09/2021 09:46

They are absolutely mad to do that.

I'm 55 and have never earned that much in a whole year!!

JinglingHellsBells · 19/09/2021 09:47

So as the Mum to one of them, @Cosmos123, you have let them go as far as this wedding (in 6 weeks) without saying much at all?

And they have only realised so late in the day that they can't afford anywhere to live except on a very limited budget.

For adults of 29 and 30, that shows immaturity but also you as a parent have actually colluded with it because you must have allowed them to live rent-free for over 10 years.

In all of that time, did it never come up in conversation where they would live when they married and how they would pay for it?

Zilla1 · 19/09/2021 09:48

The ship has sailed but I might have shared my opinion that the flashier the wedding, the more likely one of the couple will have an affair (if they're not already having one) and the relationship will end, usually in months.

I know these things have always existed but I see somewhat of a generational change in priorities arguably due to social media towards the picture perfect Instagrammable wedding, 4 bedroom detached beautifully furnished house, brand new car and then baby with accessories.

Good luck, OP. I hope you enjoy the wedding (genuinely).

AnneElliott · 19/09/2021 09:48

I agree to spend it on one day is a terrible waste of money! Sure if you're wealthy then crack on but why wouldn't you want a house deposit if you have £43k!

Terrible if it's an inheritance as a pp suggested. But I guess if you think they're generally sensible then I'd still be guarantor.

Joystir59 · 19/09/2021 09:49

They have a chance to get on the property ladder, they are insane to blow this chance. I wouldn't be guarantor.

nyktipolos · 19/09/2021 09:50

@category12

Everyone who is saying "don't be their guarantor" - are you assuming it's a distant relative or friend or something?

Because I would think this is OP's adult child, and are you really saying you would refuse to be guarantor? You might be really pissed off at their choices, but presumably the money is already spent - so you'd leave them unable to rent somewhere?

Yes I would if they 43k.

They could pay 6 months rent in front with that sort of money and not need a guarantor.

That money gives them options. Op being guarantor, wasn't their only option. Though op says they are spending. Not spent.

They made this choice.

RaginaPhalange · 19/09/2021 09:50

@LawnFever

It's their money and can do what they want with it but I think it's cheeky as fuck to ask you to lend them 3k for a honeymoon and then to be guarantor when they have that amount of money.

Technically it’s only their money because they’ve never paid a penny in rent or board their entire lives though, shows it doesn’t do any favours not teaching kids the value of money.

I couldn't agree more.
Winter2020 · 19/09/2021 09:51

Hi OP,
I have seen your update that you have decided that you probably won't be guarantor. I think that is the right decision.

I think the relevant question (when deciding whether to be guarantor) is are you able to and happy to make the rent payments if the couple are unable or unwilling to? If the answer to that is no then you should say no.

It sounds like the couple will be able to put tgeir deposit down if they delay their honeymoon until they have saved up for it. They could have paid 6 months up front and not needed a guarantor if they weren't blowing everything on a wedding but it sounds like it's too late for that. Live at home longer to save up for a deposit to buy or rent. I'm guessing you are mum or dad and will be stuck with them longer!

Staryflight445 · 19/09/2021 09:54

Yeah that would be me saying no to being a guarantor.

They cannot be trusted financially.

onlychildhamster · 19/09/2021 09:54

@Zilla1 always assumed parents were paying all of it. After all, the 4 bed new build wouldn't be cheap and mortgage would be stress tested. Like OP's relatives, I lived rent free at in law's for 3 years and could barely afford to buy a 2 bed London flat (and it was way below average cost at £400k).

To me, the Instagram stories did not suggest financial fickleness but huge generational inequality. I have a friend whose parents bought him a London house and would definitely pay for his wedding in full when he gets married. My poorer friends are not getting fancy new builds or fancy weddings even if they earn similar incomes to their 'richer' friends. The OP's relatives seem to be an outlier that they are having a 43k wedding without corresponding support to buy a house. Usually they go hand in hand.

MargosKaftan · 19/09/2021 09:55

Do they, or at least one of them, come from a cultural background when a wedding is usually a large community event, rather than just about the happy couple? (That they lived at home until marriage rather than renting somewhere together years ago suggests that too)

Many of my friends from Asian backgrounds felt the pressure for the huge community event wedding, often having to pay a lot for it themselves as their parents weren't able to afford to fund it fully, but it would be embarrassing not to have everyone at their daughters wedding. To me, it felt like madness, but as I've got older, I've realised the push towards smaller, couple focused weddings of my younger cousins have meant funerals are the only times we get the full family together. I do appreciate the large family event more now, and given how much it costs to hire a space big enough for large numbers of people and feed them all, full family weddings are always expensive.

But their choice shouldn't impact on your finances. Say no.

Cherrysoup · 19/09/2021 09:55

Certainly wouldn’t be their guarantor but up to them to spend big on their wedding. £43K? Holy fuck! Mental.

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