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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spending 43k savings on a wedding.

364 replies

Cosmos123 · 19/09/2021 06:59

I know a couple who are spending 43k (all savings) on a wedding yet have no where to live.
He is a 1st year nursing student on a bursary she is looking for work as a nursery nurse.
They are currently looking for 1 bed flat with a budget of £500pcm as that is all they can afford on his bursary. For which they have asked myself to be a guarantor.
Yet they are have an expensive wedding in 6 weeks.

I did discuss to them about spending less and perhaps the money as a deposit on a property further down the line. They seem to agree then bang this is what they decided.

OP posts:
DangerMouse5 · 19/09/2021 23:21
  • Last not lady Hmm
uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/09/2021 14:06

If this is how they prioritise their spending Definitely don't be a guarantor

dementor72 · 20/09/2021 17:17

I wonder if they have to ‘blow it’ so that they too can claim benefits after the marriage ? Having that amount in the bank would preclude any claim.

cherish123 · 20/09/2021 17:35

They are being ridiculous. 43k on what is effectively a party. The nicest and classiest weddings I've been to were small intimate affairs. What on earth are they spending 43k on? Food is usually the expensive part of a wedding. They must have an awful lot of guests. Given it's a long time since I got married but this is ridiculous.

Carpedimum · 20/09/2021 17:50

If how they’ve made financial decisions about their wedding is anything to go by, I absolutely would not be legally associated with them for any financial dealings. Spoilt kids expecting parents to bail them out when they’re keeping up appearances?

Rosscameasdoody · 20/09/2021 17:55

43k on a wedding is utter madness and if this is an indication of how they spend their money, then I definitely wouldn’t be a guarantor.

onlychildhamster · 20/09/2021 17:56

@cherish123 when did you get married? my MIL got married in 1989 in London. Her wedding was a ceremony in someone's back garden followed by a reception in a london hall with kosher food for 100 guests. This cost £4000. Today, the ceremony cost alone is £1500 (for my synagogue). Kosher food has gone down in price (relative to income) in general due to more imports from Israel/America but kosher wedding catering is easily £100 per person (and Jews have large families).

Just like property, weddings have increased in cost relative to income. I think it is why middle class people tend to marry in their 30s when they have saved up quite a lot of money for the dream wedding. Or the parents pay. I had the civil registry office ceremony at 22 and waited to buy my home before planning a wedding. In my impression, a lot of poorer people are put off weddings due to the cost. Yes I know a lot of people say you can just sign papers at the civil registry office and go out for a meal afterwards. I did that in 2015 and honestly DH and I felt there was something missing. We want to celebrate our commitment to each other. We are trying to do it as cheaply as possible but I wouldn't pretend its easy, as parents all had different expectations. My parents wanted a hotel banquet lunch in my home country (we limited numbers to extended family only- 50 people to afford this), MIL wanted kosher food (we are doing afternoon tea and not full menu). 43k is insane money, but the average wedding in the UK costs over 25k. I don't think its because we are all feckless spenders. I started out wanting to only spend 10k,, I hope that we would keep to it but if we don't, it wouldn't be because we wanted to blow our savings. And its also why i made sure we bought our flat before doing any serious wedding planning.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 20/09/2021 18:01

I agree OP. But apparently the average wedding spend in the UK is £30k! I certainly wouldn't spend anywhere near that, but many people do, and more, it would seem.
They sound very immature and perhaps don't really understand the realities of money / supporting themselves if they've been living with parents with most expenses paid. I'm glad you're not going to be their guarantor, or lend £3k for the honeymoon - that should definitely be part of the £43k.

DreamTheMoors · 20/09/2021 18:03

I was guarantor for friends with a brand new baby for a living room suite.
Four months and no payments later I had a living room suite I would never have chosen for myself, didn’t want and didn’t need.
I’d advise caution on the guarantor bit - at the very least, prepare for the worst.
Can you afford to be guarantor?

ChelleMum85 · 20/09/2021 18:04

@Cosmos123

I know a couple who are spending 43k (all savings) on a wedding yet have no where to live. He is a 1st year nursing student on a bursary she is looking for work as a nursery nurse. They are currently looking for 1 bed flat with a budget of £500pcm as that is all they can afford on his bursary. For which they have asked myself to be a guarantor. Yet they are have an expensive wedding in 6 weeks.

I did discuss to them about spending less and perhaps the money as a deposit on a property further down the line. They seem to agree then bang this is what they decided.

Normally you would only need a Guarantor if your credit check failed?

Advise them they are spending 43K on one day of their lives, instead of investing it in a home which lasts forever and could possibly make them an even bigger profit in the future if they put effort into their home and increase the value?

I'm confused how a first year nurse and someone without a job could have saved all of that. I'm thinking it's saved grants/loans/bursaries etc and money from family? It sounds a bit immature so definitely don't sign!

ChocChipPancake · 20/09/2021 18:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on OP's request.

RoSEbuds6 · 20/09/2021 18:17

This is not what I would spend my saving on, but I guess it's their choice. Maybe some of it has been inherited. Maybe they will expect to recieve cash gifts for the wedding?
If you were guarantor, how much would be guaranteeing? if it was £500 I might do it (if I really liked them) but any more and I wouldn't.

LowlandLucky · 20/09/2021 18:18

Bigger the bill, quicker the divorce.

MarySlater · 20/09/2021 18:19

Blimey. Registry office then reception in Wetherspoons. Change out of £300. Boom! Job done.
Wonder if the marriage will last longer than it took to save the £43k?
Irony is that if you don't act as guarantor and they still have a £43k wedding the OP won't get invited

cherish123 · 20/09/2021 18:20

@onlychildhamster

We got married in 2004. Can't remember exactly how much everything cost but - £400 for chapel; food £4k for 70 guests; cake £200 (from lovely independent baker - v cheap even then); band £500; dress £200ish; bridesmaid dresses £300; other expenses that I cannot remember- renting hotel function room, drinks at reception, flowers, hotel room for 2 nights.

PrimoPiatti · 20/09/2021 18:21

Nuts.

Kisskiss · 20/09/2021 18:24

Its ok to spend whatever you like on a wedding- as long as you can afford it. But if what you spend on a wedding means you then need a guarantor for a place to live, then ThAts poor judgement!!!

onlychildhamster · 20/09/2021 18:27

@cherish123 I can imagine paying these costs today, but a lot of stuff would be DIY.

My mum has 6 siblings, I have 15 cousins and many now have babies. My mum is close to her family, they meet every week. So 70 guests would just be our immediate family and we have to keep to that to keep costs down. That's the big difference between Asian/Jewish weddings and English weddings, I think. Good thing my DH and I are not sociable people! Sociable people with big families have to spend a lot more, I wonder if that is the case for this young couple..extroverts also tend to be more image conscious; not always but I have observed this with my extroverted friends' weddings..

This is why it's so hard to say what is reasonable to spend on a wedding because weddings are a family affair and we all have different families...

Gingerkittykat · 20/09/2021 18:28

Are they from a culture where massive weddings are the norm?

How is the money actually being spent? Is it on hundreds of guests or hiring a castle or something?

MLMbotsno · 20/09/2021 18:29

No not agree to be the guarantor. They obviously have no idea how to budget and you may be called to make up payments when they default. Do you understand that?

Avoid the guarantor situation at all costs with numpties like this @Cosmos123

ZenNudist · 20/09/2021 18:35

They can spend all their money but don't be guarantor.

007Stocko · 20/09/2021 18:36

DO NOT EVER be a guarantor for anyone - not even your family or your kids.

Many people do not understand the implications, its not a reference that you think they are good people and should hopefully pay every month, you guarantee the loan so if they don't pay it the bailiffs come after you for the money.

It is ludicrous to pay that kind of money at the best of times, but they surely need to get their financial priorities right!

waybill · 20/09/2021 18:37

@cherish123

They are being ridiculous. 43k on what is effectively a party. The nicest and classiest weddings I've been to were small intimate affairs. What on earth are they spending 43k on? Food is usually the expensive part of a wedding. They must have an awful lot of guests. Given it's a long time since I got married but this is ridiculous.
Even the most gloriously over-the-top poncetastic wedding I once went to cost less than that. I didn't directly ask how much they'd wasted spent. One of their relatives told another relative, who told DH, who told me Grin
Beastieboys · 20/09/2021 18:42

They can refuse benefit if they suspect you of having got rid of savings to make a claim.

Yespresh · 20/09/2021 18:45

I know someone who spent ridiculous money. The marriage lasted 18 months. Chimney sweep, male voice choir. You name it, they had it.

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