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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

412 replies

AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 11:55

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 12:00

Sorry. I typed this message in a rush and just noted the astonishing number of typos. I meant to say I need the help as I don't have my husband able to help in the week (he works all the time) and having a nanny is the only way I can actually get time to work.

OP posts:
DragonDoor · 18/09/2021 12:02

She does sound a bit unusual in her communication. Im presuming she isn’t a live in nanny. How strange to have waited an hour before she let you know she had arrived.

Has she taken on board your requests about nappy changing? How is she with your child otherwise?

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 12:02

She’s in your home with your child,you don’t like her. You need to give her notice of termination of employment. If you dont feel comfortable in your own home with the nanny that’s a real problem
The keys, I suppose she will let herself in as it is her workplace. I wouldn’t expect her to ring the bell first

Here’s your dilemma
You don’t like her. That is problematic
Your child does. Your child will miss her in short term if you get a new nanny, that can be managed by a competent nanny

I’d line a new nanny up before I dispatch the current one

Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 12:12

She is a live-in nanny. Due to covid, I was worried re having someone enter and exit. Cases are quite awful where I live. Also she requested live-in and I was more than happy as she interviewed so well. That and if you have seen my previous posts, I desperately am seeking financial freedom. Was going through serious postpartum depression and have absolutely no family around. The good news is my baby adores her. Our live in arrangement is one in which she stays at ours during the work week and elsewhere during the weekend. I had told her from start I might need her for the occasional weekend evening to babysit my baby and she said totally fine (we of course pay her for these hours).
The problem is... She gets so upset or 'vacant' in the eyes when I ask her to do something differently. Further she seems to have all these family problems and issues with her boyfriend and some days we get the 'amazing nanny' and other days, the shadow of darkness.
How on earth do I address this? I have never had in-house help.

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 12:14

You must of course terminate employment in writing
How long has she been employed by you? Is it under 2 years
Check ACAS dismissing someone fairly

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 12:17

Ok you need to keep record of events of poor practice and address them with nanny
Having a hunch,that’s inadequate and doesn’t give her opportunity to address reported shortcomings
Get some external advice. The nanny is of course entitled to be treated fairly

wizzywig · 18/09/2021 12:18

I had a similar nanny. It was awful. I'd do anything to avoid being in the house when she was. When terminating the contract we needed to instruct solicitors.

wizzywig · 18/09/2021 12:20

Op, wouldn't be surprised if it were the same person. The walking around silently, overstating of her family and relationship issues. There were undisclosed mh issues from childhood too that she was trying to resolve or work through by nannying

MooPointCowsOpinion · 18/09/2021 12:20

I think it’s really important to have a good relationship with your nanny. I just don’t think the solution has to be fire her and hire someone new. You could have an open and honest conversation with her and both clear the air? Perhaps she is bringing her personal troubles to work, which you could then be supportive but fair in that it’s not appropriate. Perhaps she is finding it hard to do the job with you around and feels constantly watched, you could reassure her then that you love how she is with your child and she’s good at her job.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 18/09/2021 12:26

Do you have a review with her every so often? It's a good idea to have one if you don't so you can go through any minor issues.

Costumeidea · 18/09/2021 12:31

Did anyone else read this thinking it was written from the POV of Julia? Grin

Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 12:34

Thank you all. Just to answer some of the questions, this 'silent roaming' has always been an issue. But just as I think, okay this needs to be addressed, she becomes a magical version of herself.
I have told her countless times how much I appreciate her help and so forth. Things are fine for a few days and the darkness returns. I feel trapped because I just started work again, my daughter is going through separation anxiety and my husband is away with the fairies.
I think she is a good person and clearly my child loves her but I cannot stand her as her moods are driving me mad. I feel like an awful person. I also fear confrontation. How do I tell her to put a sock on her emotions?? I know it isn't the most diplomatic thing to say but if I had a penny for every advance re her salary I have given her due to some 'emergency', I wouldn't need to work for my financial freedom.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 12:37

@Costumeidea

Did anyone else read this thinking it was written from the POV of Julia? Grin
Who is Julia? My apologies if I sound jumbled but I haven't had a good night's sleep in what feels like a year Sad
OP posts:
theseoldbone · 18/09/2021 12:39

@Costumeidea

Did anyone else read this thinking it was written from the POV of Julia? Grin
Yes!
Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 12:40

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Do you have a review with her every so often? It's a good idea to have one if you don't so you can go through any minor issues.
This was my mistake. I didn't do this at the beginning and kind of left her to it as she has many years of experience. I also didn't want her to feel I was micromanaging. I was just so grateful for the help and time I suddenly had to focus on work. I was also severely depressed and felt I wasn't 'good enough' to question someone. However since I have started reviews and so forth, but each time we have a review, she won't even look me in the eye? Believe me I thank this lady every day for her efforts. I am also very hands-on with my baby when I am not working. However I don't trust myself and worry that maybe she is a delightful nanny and I am being anal.
OP posts:
Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 12:41

Who is Julia?? Confused

OP posts:
Cherryana · 18/09/2021 12:43

You are her employer and boss.
You don’t have to be.
Especially if you do not feel she is giving you adequate respect.

nannynick · 18/09/2021 12:44

She arrived ti babysit at a different time to the time you asked her to arrive? Seems very odd that she was there for an hour before you knew she was there.

Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 12:45

@wizzywig

I had a similar nanny. It was awful. I'd do anything to avoid being in the house when she was. When terminating the contract we needed to instruct solicitors.
Maybe it is the same lady. It is awful. The silent gazes and deep sighs. There is always some kind of drama. Also, the lack of eye contact if I am saying something as simple as 'hey do you mind closing the door as have a zoom call' or even asking her to not vacuum every single day for an hour!! Or put the one dirty baby shirt in wash. I thought she was confused so I told her there was no need to wash a shirt a time and to wait for baby laundry to pile up before washing the baby clothes. You would think I asked her to assassinate someone. I just worry because she is so good with my child and I just started a great new role!!
OP posts:
Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 12:47

@wizzywig

Op, wouldn't be surprised if it were the same person. The walking around silently, overstating of her family and relationship issues. There were undisclosed mh issues from childhood too that she was trying to resolve or work through by nannying
Yes. This. I feel I could write a novel on her family issues and horrible relationships. We live together and I have always treated her like family but the past few months the dark silent faces are just getting to me. I am so glad you understand what I am talking about. How long was your nanny with you?
OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 18/09/2021 12:49

Are PP referencing Julia from Motherland? There's an episode where she secretly hates her nanny and has to fire her.

nannynick · 18/09/2021 12:54

You don't want to micro manage someone but you do need to do some management. You tell them once that you don't want a diaper changed in the lounge, then it should not happen again.

Knowing how a family does laundry is something that gets discussed initially, it is obvious that you do not wash items individually... though I might make an exception for an extreme poo-nami, extreme nose bleed, things like that which may need special treatment.

A nanny is there to make your life easier. If they are needing too much management, if they are not using common sense, if they are not a good fit... then tell them what is going wrong so they know and look for someone else if things are not improving.

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 12:56

Ok,so you keep records of performance
You do not give any more advance on salary. It is potentially problematic and needs monitoring plus you need to stick completely to employment terms

Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 12:59

@MooPointCowsOpinion

I think it’s really important to have a good relationship with your nanny. I just don’t think the solution has to be fire her and hire someone new. You could have an open and honest conversation with her and both clear the air? Perhaps she is bringing her personal troubles to work, which you could then be supportive but fair in that it’s not appropriate. Perhaps she is finding it hard to do the job with you around and feels constantly watched, you could reassure her then that you love how she is with your child and she’s good at her job.
You are absolutely right. I know it isn't the easiest when your employee is at home so I often leave and work from a random cafe unless I have zoom calls. I thought I had a honest conversation with her months ago where I told her that I am struggling with postpartum depression and am so appreciative to have someone in my home that does such a wonderful job of being with my child. I told her then too that I'd really love open communication and if ever there is an issue to please tell me and we can resolve together. However she told me there were no issues at all. That she was very happy? Maybe I need to structure it better. Any suggestions? Part of me wants to terminate her (of course as per law) but a much stronger part is stating that I just started a new job, my baby adores her and I need to just accept her dark long face expressions.
OP posts:
MitheringMytryl · 18/09/2021 13:01

I would find a new nanny. But make sure you cover yourself legally. Don't treat her unfairly.