Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

[AdifferentGoat]

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

@TeaStory

I wonder if your husband’s mental/relational issues are clouding things for you?

Yes. Possibly. He likes her a lot and she's great with him. It's me that is the issue. He thinks now that we have a nanny, the problem is 'solved' and I should not worry if she is the wrong fit. He doesn't mean it in a condescending way but more so he doesn't understand why I worry so much. Maybe he is right. Sorry. Just feeling very low right now and distrustful of myself.

Take the loan out her salary in instalments. Tell her this in writing
Out of interest is the loan documented anywhere eg email exchange?
What if she says the loan was a bonus…

OP, you've said twice your husband is 'away with the fairies' , which means lives in a dreamworld/ is a little crazy as completely out of touch with what goes on.

Did you actually mean this , ie., that he's no help to you and therefore can't give an opinion on your nanny and that you wish he would be more in tune with you when it comes to decisions ?

Crossed with your update.

I think the issue is partly that you're blurring boundaries. Sometimes you're treating her like a friend, sometimes a lodger and sometimes a nanny.

Your comment earlier re. asking her to shut the door because you're on a Zoom call. Why couldn't you shut the door? She's not your PA, she's your nanny. If she's doing the 'nanny' thing and it's going to interfere with your Zoom call, you need to fix it.

The clothes thing is just weird. You're giving the clothes away to no-one in particular. Why does it matter if your nanny takes the clothes or they go to the shelter? Would you have kept any of them if the shelter weren't taking donations? Did you select clothes you still wanted for donation out of generosity for the shelter, or did you just have a clear out and it included some nicer clothes?

You are not in the UK (from you spelling and grammar and terminology)

What are the employment rules where you are?

Hi
If you dont like her and don't get on she has to go, I couldn't have another woman looking after my child if we didn't like each other!

@butterpuffed

OP, you've said twice your husband is 'away with the fairies' , which means lives in a dreamworld/ is a little crazy as completely out of touch with what goes on.

Did you actually mean this , ie., that he's no help to you and therefore can't give an opinion on your nanny and that you wish he would be more in tune with you when it comes to decisions ?

Yes. Exactly that. I know I sound jumbled up but I haven't slept much the past week. Here to try and clear my mind and figure out what to do. He doesn't help when it comes to our child or rather he is unable to help as he is always working. When he isn't working, he thinking of it. Even prior to hiring the nanny, I did everything even in throes of postpatrum depression. I know this is what it means to be a parent so I'm not trying to forego responsibility but at one point, I had to go into hospital and he had her for three nights and he still talks about the sacrifices he made for me. He wants to be there but I accept now his first love is work. He adores his daughter but I do all the legwork and he still won't take me at word when I talk about things in ref to how I'm worried that maybe we chose the wrong person? He thinks it is me being 'drama' but I am worried. I just wish he would stop seeing me as some dramatic person and even if that is so, maybe I am incredibly entitled and precious or whatever, but can it not be that I may be right on some things? If I fire this lady under goodness knows what reasoning, he won't help me at all when it comes to finding someone else. Even with nursery, he thinks it is a joke and a way to milk money from people. But then I ask him, what do I do? I want to work. I need solutions. So he tells me, well I got you a nanny so what is the issue? The issue is the nanny is not a surrogate parent. We hired her to help with our child NOT to be a replacement for him. Honestly I don't even know what I am saying anymore. I am so sad.

@Tooembarrassingtomention

You are not in the UK (from you spelling and grammar and terminology)

What are the employment rules where you are?

Right. I'm not in UK. I am in the US. Have lived here for many years now. Also I am so incredibly sleep deprieved hence why I sound all over the place. My poor baby hasn't been well so aside from last night, I have been with her and dealing with wakes, while at same time having to work. I told our nanny to please take her out to the park and play and not to feel she has to entertain. But instead she keeps baby at home and says baby is so fussy. So I leave whatever I am doing, tend to baby, go back to work and repeat. She doesn't take me seriously. I honestly think she preferred me when I was very depressed as that was the time she pressed me for a loan and all the advances and what not. But I am stuck. The law is very hard when it comes to firing someone. I have no real 'reason'. I am very happy to give her all she deserves and even forget the loan but post our talk today (I just chatted with her as she was overnight yesterday as I mentioned ). I pretty much said 'Lucy' it seems you haven't been looking happy and that is okay but if there is more to it, please let me know. Is there anything you feel is making you uncomfortable? I want you to know I appreciate all your hard work but we are a team and if something is bothering you, please know you can talk to me. She looked at me and said (I paraphrase) 'I love my job and baby X. Working for you is what I always dreamt of as you are so kind and I need this job as I have all my family who depend on me and without this job, I am scared they will lose everything. Everyone in my family depends on me and the salary I get. '

She’s emotionally blackmailing you. I don’t mean to be harsh prioritise yourself not her. She may well have a sad backstory (don’t we all) but this isn’t hallmark channel it’s not your job to save her. Prepare yourself for her upping the ante when you give get notice

For example last week, I spring cleaned our home and gathered up old baby clothes and some of my maternity gear and put it all in several bags as to donate to a mum's shelter. I told her if there was anything she really liked to take an item or two and I'd drop off the rest at the shelter. Well imagine my surprise when I get ready to pick up the bags of clothing and she has taken all of the nice stuff and left behind just the more old-ish looking things.

I personally can’t see an issue with this?!? You asked her to take items she liked?!?

@AdifferentGoat

You need to stop asking her if she is ok. That would drive me crazy if my boss kept saying that daily. You’ve said W few times she’s said how good the job is. How she loves the baby. So leave it as it is.

No don’t give her a free loan. Ask for it back in instalments or deduct from salary
Rightly,you cannot sack without good reason, so start to keep records and tell her when performance fall below expectation
You need to be explicit tell her what you want, give her opportunity to get better at her her job. If she met expectations, and thing improve keep her on as employee
If she isn’t up to agreed standard you terminate employment

@AdifferentGoat

Just a general message before I respond to all you wonderful posters. Firstly I am not against being told I am being precious or drip feeding or being dramatic in speech etc. Maybe this sounds bizarre but my ideal situation would be that it is me who is the problem and I need to learn how to cope. Why I am so hung up on her is because I desperately need this job. I cannot risk time it takes to find someone new (at least that is what I am telling myself). That and I don't trust myself and think I am being incredible dramatic. Maybe I haven't been clear and I apologise for that. She lives with us Monday to Friday. And during the weekend, the arrangement was she would live with her friend/partner(it is unclear). However we started to notice she would arrive in the weekends and just not tell us but shut herself in room. Fair game. It is her time off but surely if your arrangement is live in during week and live out during weekend, you let someone know? One of those evenings, husband and I got into a fight re a sensitive family matter and had we known we was home, we wouldn't have spoken about it in the living room. But like many of you said, it is blurry when it comes to live in. End of day, this is a mums support forum. We may not always understand or indeed respect or think well of what someone is going through, but sadly this is my current situation. I have lost so much from being so depressed. Lost judgment. Lost myself. For months on end all I did was exist. I wouldn't wish PND on my worst enemy. So when I hired her, it was during a period where things were rough but I was getting clarity and a need to gain financial independence from my husband. I could finally work. She interviewed so well and my baby bonded with her. I got a great job (albeit still probationary) and instead of celebrating this arrangement, I am feeling like I am being unfair re my emotions to this individual who works for me but what if there is more to it? She has 18 years of experience. I never questioned her. I was just happy for the help.

This post explains the situation a lot better. If she is live in weekdays only then she has no right to be there at the weekend. Sorry for my harsher response earlier, I thought it was unreasonable assuming she lived in always

@AdifferentGoat

Okay so to answer some questions. Re the bags of clothing I wanted to donate, I said if she wanted one or two items, to please take but to leave the rest as I needed to drop them off at the shelter. At no point did I state, take whatever you want. I explicitly said one or two items. Bear in mind in the while this lady has worked with us, I have advanced her salary more than five times, given her a substantial loan that she has yet to pay of. Each time there is an emergency and I feel bad and guilty so I agree to whatever. However I know a large bulk of fault lies with me. She also knows I need her as it is clear I cannot manage without some help at home. Covid has made everything harder and without outing myself, it is extremely hard to find childcare right now. I think I will have to just go stick with her for the next couple of months and when I am done with my probation period, I'll find someone else or some new arrangement. I also don't like feeling like I'm having all these negative feelings towards someone.

Jesus what a massive drip feed

Her term of employment is Mon - Fri only and with no discussion she resides with you at weekends..why has thus not been addressed it’s a clear breach of boundaries it’s really intrusive , you must address this
She borrowed money and hasn’t given any indication how she’ll pay it back. Take it out her salary in instalments

She’s assessed you’re vulnerable and need her and she’s exploiting your probationary employment and fragile mental health

Your husband needs to wake the fuck up and support you. the week day nanny lives in your house at weekend unauthorised. Come on

Yes yes. I hear all the feedback re my drip feeds. I don't mean to so please know that. I am just seriously seriously exhausted and can't think straight. This is why I logged on to mumsnet. I am not trying to to be 'cheeky' or pull a fast one or anything. I am simply a woman who has no-one living in the US with a husband that means well but is never around. I don't have any family around. Hardly any of my friends have children so playdates don't really exist. Where I am in US (again I do not want to out myself), everyone is so petrified re covid that most people are isolating themselves at home. Seeing no one. And I, as someone with a child below 2 is seen as 'danger' because my child might have covid and pass it along and kill their entire family.
So... I am very very isolated. A part of me wanted to just pack my bags and go home but to what? My mum is 71 and 'sees God' who apparently speaks to her and tells her how many ways her daughter betrayed her (me). My father has heart issues. Maybe from living under the same roof as the unsolicited oracle my mum is. My mum was in pageants growing up and has already been telling me that my child is fat. I obviously stop her at every turn but the reason I bring all of this up is what do I do? My ideal universe is, I pass my probation. My job is confirmed. At that point I will start earning. Hopefully covid will start to die out and I can put my daughter in nursery. And one day, I can have freedom again.

@EspressoDoubleShot

Her term of employment is Mon - Fri only and with no discussion she resides with you at weekends..why has thus not been addressed it’s a clear breach of boundaries it’s really intrusive , you must address this She borrowed money and hasn’t given any indication how she’ll pay it back. Take it out her salary in instalments

She’s assessed you’re vulnerable and need her and she’s exploiting your probationary employment and fragile mental health

Your husband needs to wake the fuck up and support you. the week day nanny lives in your house at weekend unauthorised. Come on

Thank you. Your words and kindness made me cry. She is contracted to work at our home 5 days a week.I never lied when we interviewed. I told her that weekends for me are family bonding time as my husband works long hours. She seemed to be on board with that then. However the past two months she been showing up most weekends and hiding in her room. I honestly let it slide as was thinking, 'this is her home too'. But now I see a pattern where she asks me for money everytime I am down. And I give it all the time because I feel I need her. Anytime I speak to my husband about this, he tells me I am being dramatic. Also I don't know if any of you live in the US, but it's hard to just let someone go. Also I worry what if I am the drama queen as my husband says I am

Oh my goodness @AdifferentGoat, the whole situation sounds overwhelming - you seem to be spinning lots of plates whilst trying to walk a tightrope in stilettos over a bear pit!

You are not being unreasonable, you need to feel comfortable in your own home and your Nanny is not doing her part to make this work. You have been very (too) kind, self deprecating and grateful thus far, and it sounds as if you have been the one making all the concessions towards a harmonious household, whilst your Nanny is unable to even accept simple instructions without some sort of passive aggressive response. Can you imagine acting this way in your new role? Your Boss asks you to complete a task for them and you avoid looking at them, roll your eyes and heave a dramatic sigh... How do you think that would be received? Her behaviour is not acceptable, please stop beating yourself up, it's not your fault that she seems unable to behave professionally (or even like an adult!)

I agree with PPs that you do need to replace her, but given the fact you are in a probationary period, I would hold fire until you have been confirmed in post, so that you can give the process of interviewing for a new Nanny the time and energy it deserves.

I would suggest you write a bullet point list of the issues to address and have a weekly catch up where you discuss progress towards these 'objectives' (line manage her as you would an employee in your working life), if she improves and you're happy, then hooray! If not, you can trundle along for a couple of months until you pass your probationary period, safe in the knowledge that there is light at the end of the tunnel (although I suppose it is possible that she might start to take your feedback on board and begin to behave appropriately, which would save a whole lot of drama all round - I'll keep my fingers crossed, but won't count any chickens!)

However you decide to approach things, I sincerely hope that it won't be too long before you are feeling comfortable in your own home, succeeding in your new role, with a happy, healthy, contended baby handed over to you when you finish your working day.

And I hope your DH stops being such a knobber!

"My ideal universe is, I pass my probation. My job is confirmed. At that point I will start earning."

Are you saying that you're not being paid unless you pass probation??

I really feel for you, you’re recovering from a mh episode and you have a new job, a kooky nanny and absent husband, understandably you feel disoriented and scared. Do you have access to mental health support? Or online support

Have you tried Calm and/or Headspace apps (lots of it is free on YouTube etc do a google) or google mindfulness

Make sure to eat,and look after yourself

@Lougle

"My ideal universe is, I pass my probation. My job is confirmed. At that point I will start earning."

Are you saying that you're not being paid unless you pass probation??

I am not being paid a proper salary yet. I have had to accept a job much lower than what my credentials are as to get a foot into the industry. However I don't even care about pride or anything like that, I just want a foot in so can work my way up. Once I pass probation, I will have a proper salary.

@BetsyBigNose

Oh my goodness *@AdifferentGoat*, the whole situation sounds overwhelming - you seem to be spinning lots of plates whilst trying to walk a tightrope in stilettos over a bear pit!

You are not being unreasonable, you need to feel comfortable in your own home and your Nanny is not doing her part to make this work. You have been very (too) kind, self deprecating and grateful thus far, and it sounds as if you have been the one making all the concessions towards a harmonious household, whilst your Nanny is unable to even accept simple instructions without some sort of passive aggressive response. Can you imagine acting this way in your new role? Your Boss asks you to complete a task for them and you avoid looking at them, roll your eyes and heave a dramatic sigh... How do you think that would be received? Her behaviour is not acceptable, please stop beating yourself up, it's not your fault that she seems unable to behave professionally (or even like an adult!)

I agree with PPs that you do need to replace her, but given the fact you are in a probationary period, I would hold fire until you have been confirmed in post, so that you can give the process of interviewing for a new Nanny the time and energy it deserves.

I would suggest you write a bullet point list of the issues to address and have a weekly catch up where you discuss progress towards these 'objectives' (line manage her as you would an employee in your working life), if she improves and you're happy, then hooray! If not, you can trundle along for a couple of months until you pass your probationary period, safe in the knowledge that there is light at the end of the tunnel (although I suppose it is possible that she might start to take your feedback on board and begin to behave appropriately, which would save a whole lot of drama all round - I'll keep my fingers crossed, but won't count any chickens!)

However you decide to approach things, I sincerely hope that it won't be too long before you are feeling comfortable in your own home, succeeding in your new role, with a happy, healthy, contended baby handed over to you when you finish your working day.

And I hope your DH stops being such a knobber!

Thank you so much. I am so emotional today and reading your message sent me into big ugly tears. I feel so alone and when people like you share kind words and suggestions (even if constructive), it makes me feel like I am not as alone as I think and someone out there actually took time out of their own life as to respond to me. I am going to do exactly as you suggested. I hope we can reach a happy medium but if not, at least I tried and I will by then be confirmed as an employee re my new job hence more liberty. These are the times I wish I had a husband to help me navigate through things. It is hardly like I hired a nanny so I could waft about a spa (even though I would love to). We hired a nanny so I could work but he is treating it as though my work isn't really work. Nothing is as stressful as his. So when I have issues, it always circles back to 'but I hired you a nanny and you have that little job so why are you being so dramatic'

You need to get rid. Choosing a nanny is like going on a first date, you wouldn't keep seeing someone if you got a bad vibe off then so why leave your child with them? It's such an intimate relationship you need to feel completely comfortable with her and you don't.

@EspressoDoubleShot

Her term of employment is Mon - Fri only and with no discussion she resides with you at weekends..why has thus not been addressed it’s a clear breach of boundaries it’s really intrusive , you must address this She borrowed money and hasn’t given any indication how she’ll pay it back. Take it out her salary in instalments

She’s assessed you’re vulnerable and need her and she’s exploiting your probationary employment and fragile mental health

Your husband needs to wake the fuck up and support you. the week day nanny lives in your house at weekend unauthorised. Come on

You are right. When we agreed to loan, we started a percentage would be taken out of her salary however since, it seems each month she has a family issue. The thing is though as I have said so many times (I know it must be boring by now), I got a job that requires a several month probationary period. She knows I need her and she is right. Also my child is bonded to her so I feel bad just ruining that bond as we dont have family around. I just kept thinking maybe I am the problem. I think this is one of those situations that is hard to understand unless you live it so I am so grateful for your empathy. My husband 'wishes he could be there' but work is so insane and his calender is a disaster so he is so sad he is missing out but... 'Babe. Work is lethal.'( this is me essentially trying to sum up the generic workaholic American husband)