Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

[AdifferentGoat]

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

Ah I think I might have changed my mind a little hearing about the drama and needing money advances, plus your own difficult start with post-partum. She sounds like a LOT of hard work. I’d still give her a chance to turn it around but I’d want to really clear the air and see improvements!

Just make sure. Legally you cover everything

@MolyHolyGuacamole

What is it with all the nanny posts lately? She's a live-in 😂 can't believe you want her to 'announce' herself. Much like the previous poster a couple days ago, you sound like hard work. As a nanny we are based in the living space, and I use a change mat to change nappies, poo rarely even gets on that so don't know why you're being so extra. Good grief.

I understand what you are saying. Believe me the last thing I want is to make someone feel watched or micromanaged. The reason for the announcement was that I had given her a weekday off and told her to just come by 6 pm and enjoy the rest of day prior but to please let me know when she is near so I can get baby ready. She didn't message or say anything so I started on routine assuming she was running late. All along she had been in house but didn't say hi or anything. Maybe I am being extra. I am not against that reality either. It's simply I don't know what to do and why I feel these strange emotions re a woman who is taking her of my baby while I work. Not sure if you read my previous posts but I had severe postnatal depression and so I don't trust myself. I finally feel I am getting my head together, got a job and what not but have these feelings towards this woman and I don't know why. I need to work. No options there. So I am worried I am being unfair or maybe I am looking for reasons to destabilise myself? Does that make sense? I am honestly not a horrible person. Just struggling and looking for insight re how to handle this.

When you ask if she is ok and she says "yes" or "perfect" you can challenge her on that and explain that she doesn't come across to you like that.

If it can't be resolved I guess longer term you need to terminate contract as it isn't working for you.

Just a general message before I respond to all you wonderful posters. Firstly I am not against being told I am being precious or drip feeding or being dramatic in speech etc. Maybe this sounds bizarre but my ideal situation would be that it is me who is the problem and I need to learn how to cope.
Why I am so hung up on her is because I desperately need this job. I cannot risk time it takes to find someone new (at least that is what I am telling myself). That and I don't trust myself and think I am being incredible dramatic. Maybe I haven't been clear and I apologise for that. She lives with us Monday to Friday. And during the weekend, the arrangement was she would live with her friend/partner(it is unclear). However we started to notice she would arrive in the weekends and just not tell us but shut herself in room. Fair game. It is her time off but surely if your arrangement is live in during week and live out during weekend, you let someone know? One of those evenings, husband and I got into a fight re a sensitive family matter and had we known we was home, we wouldn't have spoken about it in the living room.
But like many of you said, it is blurry when it comes to live in. End of day, this is a mums support forum. We may not always understand or indeed respect or think well of what someone is going through, but sadly this is my current situation. I have lost so much from being so depressed. Lost judgment. Lost myself. For months on end all I did was exist. I wouldn't wish PND on my worst enemy. So when I hired her, it was during a period where things were rough but I was getting clarity and a need to gain financial independence from my husband. I could finally work. She interviewed so well and my baby bonded with her. I got a great job (albeit still probationary) and instead of celebrating this arrangement, I am feeling like I am being unfair re my emotions to this individual who works for me but what if there is more to it? She has 18 years of experience. I never questioned her. I was just happy for the help.

I would also ask nicely that she is often home at the weekends and does she need this to be a full live in position so you both know where you stand?

You could also come from the angle that you are all sharing a home. Also from the employer "I'm concerned about your welfare" etc

At least you can be very positive that she has a great bond with your DD and how lovely you think it is.

Not being unreasonable at all, OP. If my DH came home when he was supposed to be out/at work, and not only didn’t shout hello but didn’t let me know he was there for an hour, I definitely wouldn’t feel it was my fault for being spooked (even though he is not a dark shadow/presence of doom).

Stop doubting your feelings; she makes you uncomfortable, so listen to that and get looking for one that fits you properly. Good luck, OP.

Neither of you are in the wrong per se, it's simply a personality clash. She has her personality and you have yours, you don't gel. That's fine, it happens. It's obviously bothering you, so as others have suggested, just find someone else. You can interview them at the weekends/when you're not working.
You're trying too hard to rationalise things and convince yourself. The bottom line is, you have to like the person who is living in your house and looking after your baby. If you don't like her, you don't like her.

How far away does she live? Could you up her salary, remove the live in element and start afresh with some clear boundaries?

@AdifferentGoat

Thank you all. Just to answer some of the questions, this 'silent roaming' has always been an issue. But just as I think, okay this needs to be addressed, she becomes a magical version of herself. I have told her countless times how much I appreciate her help and so forth. Things are fine for a few days and the darkness returns. I feel trapped because I just started work again, my daughter is going through separation anxiety and my husband is away with the fairies. I think she is a good person and clearly my child loves her but I cannot stand her as her moods are driving me mad. I feel like an awful person. I also fear confrontation. How do I tell her to put a sock on her emotions?? I know it isn't the most diplomatic thing to say but if I had a penny for every advance re her salary I have given her due to some 'emergency', I wouldn't need to work for my financial freedom.

It reads as though her problem is she isn't happy enough for you? Is it in her contract that she must be happy all the time?

You keep repeating wanting financial independence from your husband, for who you've moved thousands of miles away? Have you gotten any support for your PND at all? Im just wondering if you're still suffering from some post partum anxiety and it's clouding your judgement of your nanny since you say you can't focus on your work because you keep thinking about her? Might be worth seeing your doctor if you haven't already.

So she is using your home without you knowing she is there during the weekends when she is employed to stay ONLY mon-fri.

OP, this is so off.

You need to firmly establish boundaries, she would have been gone upon knowing she was in the house when she wasn't supposed to be.

Very inappropriate IMO.

@Ikeptgoing

It isn't working out as she's moody and brings drama from outside. She sounds lunfriendly and weird . You need to feel confident in your Nanny - not creeped out by her!

Ps. Not just for your peace of mind working with her but You don't think your child won't grow up noticing? And copying her mardyness - imagine mini teenage style toddler eye rolling / staring copied from the moody Nanny

Lo at the description that shes a shadow of darkness!

Look she's not the nanny for you, so the sooner you terminate her employment and hire a better nanny then the best for everyone

As you said you've just returned to work and DD is a baby, it sounds like you are in first probationary months still so she hasn't worked with you anywhere near 6 months let alone for 2 years yet. No redundancy payments required. .

Start looking for another Nanny . Giver her notice.

Maybe book interviews for a day she is not working or that you give her off

Hahaha this made me laugh. I was writing my first post in the early hours and am grateful people are still able to decipher between all the typos and convoluted sentences.

I never considered my baby copying the behaviour. Thank you for pointing it out. I know this post is big on drip feeds but I think I am trying to sift through the situation myself hence am thinking out loud/brainstorming however I am finding this platform very helpful. Also sometimes you just need to vent.

I have been trying to understand exactly what it is that is so bothersome. For example last week, I spring cleaned our home and gathered up old baby clothes and some of my maternity gear and put it all in several bags as to donate to a mum's shelter. I told her if there was anything she really liked to take an item or two and I'd drop off the rest at the shelter. Well imagine my surprise when I get ready to pick up the bags of clothing and she has taken all of the nice stuff and left behind just the more old-ish looking things. Again, I didn't know what to say. I wondered whether she misunderstood me? But how do you misunderstand 'take one or two things'? But maybe she really needed the stuff?
Please if there is anything I ask for someone reading these posts and thinking I sound ridiculously redundant, I am well-aware. I just need to get all this out as I feel so horribly guilty as this is her livelihood and further, what if it is me? My baby enjoys her as well. I can't talk to my husband about this as he thinks I'm making it up in my head and looking for an excuse to not work.

I can understand that you have a lot
going on and it’s not wrong of you to feel uncomfortable with your
nanny. As PP have said, sometimes personalities just don’t click. However I wonder whether there are a couple of deeper issues going on. Firstly, it sounds as though there are problems with your DH - as I understand it you are working towards separating. Also you are new in your job. Is there something deep down saying that if this nanny isn’t perfect everything will come tumbling down? Has she become the focus of all your anxieties when many of them actually lie elsewhere? Again, I’m not “having a go” at you; it’s an easy trap to fall into but I wonder whether you might find it helpful to speak to a counsellor or therapist. In practical terms, I think that, if you don’t take some kind of action, then whatever you do about the nanny, something else may stop you achieving your goals. I hope you find a way forward.

@Clarinet1

I can understand that you have a lot going on and it’s not wrong of you to feel uncomfortable with your nanny. As PP have said, sometimes personalities just don’t click. However I wonder whether there are a couple of deeper issues going on. Firstly, it sounds as though there are problems with your DH - as I understand it you are working towards separating. Also you are new in your job. Is there something deep down saying that if this nanny isn’t perfect everything will come tumbling down? Has she become the focus of all your anxieties when many of them actually lie elsewhere? Again, I’m not “having a go” at you; it’s an easy trap to fall into but I wonder whether you might find it helpful to speak to a counsellor or therapist. In practical terms, I think that, if you don’t take some kind of action, then whatever you do about the nanny, something else may stop you achieving your goals. I hope you find a way forward.

Yes. You are right. I worry if I let her go, everything will fall apart. I'll have to leave my job and I'll never 'fix' my life. I am open to working things out with my husband but I think my financial reliance on him is making it difficult to have objectivity (if that makes sense). I really appreciate your insight. I didn't see it as you taking a go or anything of that sort. I think I am just desperate to secure this job and be a normal working mum. I am scared if I let this nanny go, I won't achieve it. I am also scared I am projecting all my anxieties on her. But more than anything, what if I am right and as all the other PPs have said, what if it isn't a fit? But what do I do then? I'm sorry I am offloading so much but I am really struggling with this.

I've just read your other update...so you offered her free clothes and were surprised when she took free clothes? Nanny can't do right for doing wrong!

OP just sit her down and explain that your work circumstances have changed and the needs of the position is no longer live in. Also can you offer her weekly pay so there's no need for salary advances rather than you struggling to confront that issue. Take the keys off her and she arrives when you are there obvs and leaves when you come home. Also invest in a few nanny cams to put your kind at rest. I feel yes there's an issue but it's blown so huge because it's not been dealt with and you sound like me, I have quiet BPD and everything hoards up until it's due to erupting point
Also I do agree with bad energy, vibes, it's just how some people feel isn't it. You don't like her and the relationship needs to be a good one so remove her from live in and add in weekly salary and give it another couple of months then take a look at the situation again.
If I'm reading it properly you already have marriage problems that you want away from as in leave your husband so that's a lot to deal with as well. Hugs x

Do she need to be live-in? Would it work better if she went home in the evenings and giving you a bit more space?

I have read the full thread, so apologies if I have missed this point

Hang on,you told her to help herself to clothes awaiting donation.She did.
You simple can not have an issue with that. How could she know you actually meant take 3-4 items and leave rest to be donated. She can’t be expected to unpick coded meaning

Ok.so start to look for a new nanny. Make it live out post. It’s less intrusive
Terminate the post of current nanny. It’s not working. You’re uncomfortable in your own home . Do not give her any more salary advances. It’s inappropriate & potentially fraught to keep track

Why not hang onto her until you have passed your probationary period? In the meantime have a review and create some clearer boundaries such as announcing when she has arrived back in your house, be it evenings, weekends etc. I would also address her moods, it's unprofessional.

OP - you need to let her go. Part of working is managing a professional communication with her employer . Avoiding eye contact is not ok. A nanny needs to be someone that the employed is comfortable to have in their home.
Staying in your home when she is only allowed to stay weekdays is not ok. It invades your privacy.

Fine a new nanny and then sack her.

Why don't you just send your kid to nursery?

I wonder if your husband’s mental/relational issues are clouding things for you?

Okay so to answer some questions. Re the bags of clothing I wanted to donate, I said if she wanted one or two items, to please take but to leave the rest as I needed to drop them off at the shelter. At no point did I state, take whatever you want. I explicitly said one or two items. Bear in mind in the while this lady has worked with us, I have advanced her salary more than five times, given her a substantial loan that she has yet to pay of. Each time there is an emergency and I feel bad and guilty so I agree to whatever.
However I know a large bulk of fault lies with me. She also knows I need her as it is clear I cannot manage without some help at home. Covid has made everything harder and without outing myself, it is extremely hard to find childcare right now.
I think I will have to just go stick with her for the next couple of months and when I am done with my probation period, I'll find someone else or some new arrangement. I also don't like feeling like I'm having all these negative feelings towards someone.

@Eeve

Why don't you just send your kid to nursery?

The nurseries shut down every other week (it feels like it as least!). This was my first thought but it's not a feasible one right now. The nursery I had considered is shut for 2 weeks due to one of the kids testing positive for covid. If I'm working, I will have absolutely no back-up if nursery shuts for whatever reason.