Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

[AdifferentGoat]

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

But then you can’t really blame it on her or say she did anything wrong. It’s just part of the awkwardness of having live in staff. She behaved awkwardly but it’s understandable, she might just have been embarrassed.

@1forAll74

Maybe the nanny views you as a difficult person to be working for, and makes her a little aloof around your home, as you are always picking up on some of the little things that she does, as oppose to how she does things her way.

This. Exactly the impression I got.

in one post you say you thought she was a ghost she came out of nowhere

in another you say she had been in her room

maybe she came back earlier to changed assume she leaves things in her room and doesn't remove every item when she goes away at weekends?

then you say you know the problem is you.

"The reason her arriving home was weird is because it wasn't a weekend but a weekday."

But you said she lives there during the week and somewhere else at weekends, so why be surprised she's there on a weekday?

How long has she been your employee?

Sorry if you’ve answered this in a post and I’ve missed it but are you in the UK? Just asking because employment law obviously differs massively between countries.

This resonates with me having had a child minder who turned out to be a bit of a bunny boiler. She used to be quite grumpy and critical with me, but was all over DH She offered to do the ironing, which I initially thought was fantastic, but it gradually became apparent that my clothes, and only my clothes, were getting ripped when ironed - the problem magically resolved itself when I stopped including my stuff in the ironing pile. She used to steal lots of stuff like kitchen towels, loo paper, magazines etc, and I found various items of my belongings kept disappearing mysteriously. She tried to convince DH that I was a feckless mother when she "accidentally" discovered the night before the beginning of term that the zip on DS's school trousers had broken: unfortunately for her, I had checked them myself and already replaced them - I knew that the zip was perfectly fine but they were simply a bit small.

Bottom line, she fancied DH who was somewhat blinded by the way she sucked up to him. Insisting that she went was the best thing I ever did, the atmosphere in the house improved immeasurably and my shopping bills plummeted.

If you only work 8am - 2pm it doesn't really seem like you need a full time live-in nanny.

Get a part-time one that has their own home. I was looking at Koru Kids (never used it) but seems like it could be a good option for you? They only charge around £13.50ph

"That and my husband is a ghost and rarely is around and I have no one to help."

What are these references to ghosts about? It seems a very unusual way to describe people.

@Ikeptgoing

It isn't working out as she's moody and brings drama from outside. She sounds lunfriendly and weird . You need to feel confident in your Nanny - not creeped out by her!

Ps. Not just for your peace of mind working with her but You don't think your child won't grow up noticing? And copying her mardyness - imagine mini teenage style toddler eye rolling / staring copied from the moody Nanny

Lo at the description that shes a shadow of darkness!

Look she's not the nanny for you, so the sooner you terminate her employment and hire a better nanny then the best for everyone

As you said you've just returned to work and DD is a baby, it sounds like you are in first probationary months still so she hasn't worked with you anywhere near 6 months let alone for 2 years yet. No redundancy payments required. .

Start looking for another Nanny . Giver her notice.

Maybe book interviews for a day she is not working or that you give her off

Thank you so much for this advice. I was beating myself up as was thinking I have the perfect situation as have a person who takes care of my baby while I work but she's really bringing me down. I blame myself as I wish I had placed better boundaries in the beginning. I think I just feel stuck as I HAVE to become financially independent from my husband and now that I have a way, I am obsessed with the nanny's mood swings. My fear is what if I am focused on her as to derail myself? Does that make sense?

If she's moody, can she be sure she is "super" with your child all the time? It's easy enough for a nanny to put on an all-singing all-dancing act when her employers are around, after all.

I think you need to be comfortable in your own home so ideally you work it out with her otherwise you need to make different arrangements.

You should watch motherland. It's excellent.

Ok so unpick and deal with separate issues separately
The nanny. If you’re unhappy with her terminate the contract
Dh and finances, that’s a longer term endeavour. Ease back into work and gain confidence. Feel stronger and more composed then discuss career and finances

The live in nanny situation is such a tricky one to get right. Tbh it's pretty bloody awful living in someone else's house and being ordered around. Maybe you'd do better with a live out nanny.

Okay. Just to answer some very valid questions. I am in a marriage that I need to work away from. At the minumum I need financial independence. I work part time, yes BUT due to nature of my work, I need to be available for calls. Okay that aside, I am struggling with motherhood and find it very difficult to do everything on my own as my husband is rarely ever available. Maybe that doesn't make me a fantastic person or whatever it is but that's where I am. I hired a live in for the weekdays as figured it would help me work plus if I needed a break, I knew there was someone there that could help with meals. But I am struggling with her personality and moods and maybe I am the problem (am very happy to accept that) but how do learn to stop nitpicking and on the of chance it is her, what do I do re finding a new person, maintain my job and get my child used to this new person? Also how do I just fire someone because I don't like their moodiness or avoidance of gaze? It is so bizarre. As I said, if I am the problem, so be it. Let me change or stuff a sock in my own mouth. But how do I get over myself and move forth.
Again, I absolutely am aware of how convoluted this post is but I am desperate. I want to focus on my career and onward progression but instead I am focused on our nanny!

@Droite

If she's moody, can she be sure she is "super" with your child all the time? It's easy enough for a nanny to put on an all-singing all-dancing act when her employers are around, after all.

op says her child adores her....if not it would show and the child would show fear or not be happy

the nanny doesn't appear to be the problem!

your husband needs to step up here

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon

I think you need to be comfortable in your own home so ideally you work it out with her otherwise you need to make different arrangements.

You should watch motherland. It's excellent.

I am going to watch that. Thank you. I just cannot believe that I don't gel with someones personality or finding fault in them. I feel absolutely ridiculous as I know what a privilege it is that I have the means to get help but yet I cannot just appreciate it and move on. Something in me just feels so uncomfortable.

I am just stuck on the bit where she was in the house for an hour but you didnt know she was there. Super weird.

But then you say she's a live in nanny. So its hardly weird for her to be there because she lives there!.

But then you say she lives in weekend only. But yesterday was a Friday, which IMO is a weekend.

Its all very confusing OP.

@gardeninggirl68

your husband needs to step up here

He can't. Or rather his hours are too demanding. He 'wishes' he was around to help and he loves our baby and so forth however all the work is on me. I do everything. It's why I hired a live in as how the hell can I work if my own husband is barely ever present in our lives.

Having recently had my own nanny issues, I would trust your gut instinct that she isn't right.

Someone who is looking after your children should enjoy it, want to be there. Eye rolling, sighing, huffiness....big red flags to me.

I wish I had trusted my gut instinct rather than let it rumble on thinking it would improve

@NinjaBreadMan

Have you had a nanny before OP? Are you maybe someone that just isn’t going to feel comfortable with someone else in your home like this? I know I could never get used to it. You say you husband is like “like a ghost”. Are you lonely and missing authentic connection?

Never. This is my first experience. Yes I am very lonely. I moved halfway across the world for his work and while he adores our baby and provides, he simply barely ever around as working around the clock. I for the longest time revolved my life around him and I am finally making changes as to become financially independent and a nanny to watch our child while I work was supposed to be the ideal situation. However here I am focused on her and her moodiness. And I can't just fire her because he will see it as yet another excuse I am making as to avoid work.

Do you really need a live-in nanny, even if she only lives in on week days?
There's nothing wrong with looking elsewhere if you don’t feel comfortable with her. Not taking feedback is an issue, and so is her moodiness - it's unprofessional. Talking about her life is OK but bringing her moodiness to work isn't.

I would be interviewing for nannies or childminders at weekends and then giving her notice when you find someone better.
It's your home and your child - if you're not 100% happy with her then you don't have to keep her.
Your child will be fine and better off in the long run as a good relationship between primary and secondary carers is important to get the best care.

This sounds like a gothic novel with all the talk of ghosts, "dark energy" and a husband who is "away with the fairies".